Blended Families

[ShrikeAttack]

Everything I read about blended families always sounds bad. I honestly have never seen a post on here where blended families work.

I'm nearly 50 and every blended family I've ever been party too, they're not great. They don't work. There's so much anguish and pain.

Why does anyone do it?

Younger women that are considering it, I'd advise them not to.

I guess this post is salutary. If you have a choice, don't.

I’m very sceptical of blended families. While I’ve heard parents swear it works and their children couldn’t be happier, the children often have a very different story to tell. My own mother was invested in that narrative, and it couldn’t have been further from the truth.

@Blackhawkdown2020

So you think it’s better for them to grow up in a house where their parents are at loggerheads and resent each other and bicker over every little thing? Really? Hardly a better environment than a pair of happily blended families. Good parents do not drag their children into these new relationships. They do it slowly and carefully. Sounds like you have been unlucky in your experiences or just have none

Lol! Exactly the false premise that I described a couple of posts back. The choices aren't to stay in an unhappy relationship or fond a new partner. You can leave the unhappy relationship amd then put your children first - provide them with a stable, happy home - and simultaneously find a new relationship if you wish to without moving a new partner into your children's home or even involving them in tje relationship at all.

What is this desperation to live with someone? It's so weird.

@Blackhawkdown2020

So you think it’s better for them to grow up in a house where their parents are at loggerheads and resent each other and bicker over every little thing? Really? Hardly a better environment than a pair of happily blended families. Good parents do not drag their children into these new relationships. They do it slowly and carefully. Sounds like you have been unlucky in your experiences or just have none

You do know it doesn't have to be one or the other, don't you? It is possible to actually leave an unhappy marriage and then stay single, or date but don't involve the children.

@PolkadotSkies exactly. I think it's a bit pathetic if you NEED to live with someone to be happy.

@Blackhawkdown2020

So you think it’s better for them to grow up in a house where their parents are at loggerheads and resent each other and bicker over every little thing? Really? Hardly a better environment than a pair of happily blended families. Good parents do not drag their children into these new relationships. They do it slowly and carefully. Sounds like you have been unlucky in your experiences or just have none

I left. Was single. And haven’t dated filmy children are adults.

My ex coupled up and tried to meld two families within weeks and it didn’t go well.

I know which person put their kids first.

What is this desperation to live with someone? It's so weird.

Exactly. It's the headlong rush into a new cohabitation which is the problem. It's really obvious that it is going to be difficult for the kids.

We are a blended family. My girls would never in a million years identify themselves as ‘half’ sisters. They adore each other and listening to them laugh and chat together is one of the greatest pleasures there is. My husband has always been a wonderful stepparent to my eldest and, while she has a positive relationship with her biological dad, would be the first to confirm that her stepdad is the one she calls for help/support if I am ever unavailable.
It really saddens me that there are those who think they can’t/shouldn’t enter into a relationship whilst they have children at home. I have always been clear with my husband that we are together because he enhances my life- not because I ‘needed’ a partner (I don’t, either financially or emotionally!) but because life is better for us with him in it. If that wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t have become a family.
It seems to me that a lot of the issues described here are not about blended families at all really, but more about people who are bad at relationships in general and whose failings in this regard would have manifested themselves no matter what set up they found themselves in.

@thecrowroad

We are a blended family. My girls would never in a million years identify themselves as ‘half’ sisters. They adore each other and listening to them laugh and chat together is one of the greatest pleasures there is. My husband has always been a wonderful stepparent to my eldest and, while she has a positive relationship with her biological dad, would be the first to confirm that her stepdad is the one she calls for help/support if I am ever unavailable. It really saddens me that there are those who think they can’t/shouldn’t enter into a relationship whilst they have children at home. I have always been clear with my husband that we are together because he enhances my life- not because I ‘needed’ a partner (I don’t, either financially or emotionally!) but because life is better for us with him in it. If that wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t have become a family. It seems to me that a lot of the issues described here are not about blended families at all really, but more about people who are bad at relationships in general and whose failings in this regard would have manifested themselves no matter what set up they found themselves in.

This has been said to death, but I'll say it again. No one has said its a bad idea to have another relationship. It's the forced cohabitation and the "happy families" syndrome.

I'm glad it's worked well for you but your comment about people being "bad at relationships in general" sounds a bit smug tbh. It's not really about the adult relationships its about those between the children.

I am from an unblended family of parents who should have got divorced and didnt. I am currently in therapy. Having to be good all the time and keep the peace and not upset anyone and try and make everyone happy and keep everyone together felt like my job. And it puts me under a lot of pressure as an adult with depression and anxiety. So i agree with pp that families and people are imperfect even when traditional.

My own experience of blending is quite positive so far. However, i suspect thats because i think blending should be a spectrum ranging from noone meets anyone at all to we all move in together because the parents want to and everyone has to lump it and enjoy it. And you choose what works for your family and put your children first. Therefore we have two homes. My partner is here part time. He has a dedicated time and space for his kids and me for mine. We do spend time together and enjoy it. The age of the kids is very different meaning full blending would likely be unsuccessful. Id also love a baby with him but we won't have one because it would be too disruptive for the children we already have. And we will probably also have to support my kids when that happens in their dads new little unit.

Its unconventional and we miss each other sometimes and long for an easy life. But we are a very united team and support each other and our kids.

I think too many people think the only way you can love someone and be committed is to have one home and all be under one roof and i think thats a little outdated.

It’s nothing to do with me being good or bad at relationships in general.

I made a conscious choice to put my kids first because my ex is a dick and introduced another woman and her children within a very few weeks and made a complete Horlicks of the blending because he didn’t do it slowly.

And yet I’m being characterised as the one who is bad at relationships?

The common theme I keep seeing cropping up on this thread is, “it’s for the parents sake and the kids don’t get a say”

That’s a really weird way to look at it. Who wouldn’t discuss something like that with their children? Ask their opinion and how they felt about it? Only move in with someone they intended to marry / be with indefinitely and after a long time dating? In addition, not moving someone in ‘for sex’ as has been said, but because living together means pooling finances and can provide a better standard of living the whole family.

Who wouldn’t discuss something like that with their children? Ask their opinion and how they felt about it?

Are you joking? You must be extremely naive to think that this is what happens every time a family blends. Did you not read pp experiences below

Are you joking? You must be extremely naive to think that this is what happens every time a family blends. Did you not read pp experiences below

Wasn’t really any need to be so damn rude was there? I didn’t think for a minute that happens every time. I’m talking about the general assumption that children are never asked of that it happens purely for the sex life of the parent. As if there is no other possible scenario.

I see this thread has, as usual, just descended in to thinly veiled insults at single parents who choose to enter another marriage or relationship. Of course this thread has stories where its not worked out. Words like weird and desperate thrown around.

Its a thread saying blended families don't work. That's what it's going to be full of, stories where it hasn't worked.

And no one can say it has for them because people just come back with 'bet the kids don't think that though'. There will be many kids, living with both parents that also pretend everything is fine when it's obviously not.

A few weeks ago, there was abtgread about staying together for the sakebofbteh children. Stories were horror stories about people whose parents had stayed together for their sake and how it's caused them issues.

In reality, many do work. Even to a point where people, don't actually realise they are blended unless they know them well. People only really know when there's a problem.

Unfortunately some parents, put their needs in front of their kids needs they make decisions they know aren't a great idea in regards to their kids and do it anyway. But, not all of them are single parents.

Plenty of parents that are still with the other biological parent, don't put their kids needs first, ever. Plenty of single parents who don't have another relationship, also fuck their kids up. That's what fucks kids up. Not the 'blended' family. There's examples of all these on this thread.

Its people consistently putting their needs in front of their children's. That doesn't need to be in the form of a new partner or new family. It can take many many forms. Who the parent is with, isnt the main factor.

For there to be so many blended families, suggests non blended families are not working for many people either.

Based on my experience as a stepdaughter, stepsister and stepmother, it has worked for the ones I have been a part of. No, we weren't skipping around, holding hands and singing songs together, it wasn't perfect, but it worked.

I had an older stepmother as a friend who guided me. And my mother, who had a bad experience as a stepdaughter, used those situations to be a good stepmother. I also had a non stepmother friend I could be completely honest too with no judgement. Essentially, a good support network.

I think it is damaging to say blended families don't work because blended families are a large part of our society. This narrative filters down to children. No one needs the negativity. Many families, of all different types are just trying to do their best.

I’m from a blended family. I have/had both a Stepmum and a Stepdad. My Mum was at my Dad’s second wedding. When my Stepdad died my Dad and Stepmum were the first people to arrive at my Mum’s house.

Mine and my sisters children call both step parents Nan and Grandad.

I also notice the many posters who were step children themselves and have said it was a wonderful experience have been largely ignored. It doesn’t fit the MN narrative.

Let’s face it, selfish arsehole parents are going to make their children miserable whatever the family set up and those that centre the needs and feelings of their children will have more successful families.

Yep, my dad came to my mums second wedding. My dad and stepdad came to each others 70th. My now adult stepsons spent hours playing online with DD to help out during kickdown, and play with my nephews online too.

*lockdown

You can leave the unhappy relationship amd then put your children first - provide them with a stable, happy home - and simultaneously find a new relationship if you wish to without moving a new partner into your children's home

Yes, this is a valid choice. As is starting a new considered relationship and letting it move at the correct pace and eventually 'blending' it. I know it's a bit shocking, but children can learn a lot from good healthy relationships. I much preferred, as a child, living with DM and DSDad. And I am so greatful he is still there for her now as she becomes less mobile. I'd glad she was able to ensure her happiness while maintaining our happiness as children.

Who wouldn’t discuss something like that with their children? Ask their opinion and how they felt about it?

It's difficult for children and teenagers to be honest and open in these circumstances, even when they have a good relationship with the adults involved. Kids aren't stupid, they know that when they are consulted about these things there is a particular response that their parent is hoping for. It can be extremely tough for a child to say " actually I don't like your boyfriend/girlfriend as much as you think I do", or "I don't want them to move in" when they can see this person is making their parent happy.

I see this thread has, as usual, just descended in to thinly veiled insults at single parents who choose to enter another marriage or relationship. Of course this thread has stories where its not worked out. Words like weird and desperate thrown around.

I don't think its a thinly veiled insult at single parents. I'm a single parent and I didn't take it in that way.

I think its more about people who kneejerk to the assumption that a relationship always has to include a rush to cohabit and to recreate the family unit.

I think cohabitation is really hard in a best-case scenario -- even for the traditional biological family its often less than ideal. I hate cohabitation and my personal view is that women and children do best in life when they don't live with a man. But clearly that's not a view most people will share and not workable for everyone.

At the same time, though, I want to and will continue to have relationships. I just don't feel the need to make my partner the centre of my child's life. I have chosen him, not her. And I'll only integrate him into her life if she's comfortable with it.

Its not that people are asking single parents not to date or have relationships. It's suggesting that if they are going to have a new relationship they reimagine in in a new light instead of charging to create a carbon copy of their old family. And that if and when they do introduce a new partner and kids to a child's life they do so slowly and with great care for the kids' sensitivities.

@thepeopleversuswork it's the wording.

Words like desperate, sad, lonely, weird.

Some people even suggesting people are desperate to live with someone, even if they have known them years. And people bragging that they never had a relationship because they 'put their kids first', as though that's THE only right way. As though you can't have a relationship and live with someone AND put your kids first.

People manage to be in relationships AND put their kids first everyday. But there's an automatic judgement that 'the kids probably aren't happy' if one parent isn't the biological kids.

Some suggesting it should be a minimum of 2 years before even think about introducing a partner.

If a single parent being in a relationship or living with someone is proof they are desperate. Why aren't couples who are the kids parents but staying together, even when it's not working not labelled desperate? Does anyone say 'my god are you that desperate for a shag?'

Its wording on these threads. Certain words used for parents who are together. Much more derogatory language if the parent is not with the other parent.

I have chosen him, not her. And I'll only integrate him into her life if she's comfortable with it.

A child doesn't choose its own parents. YOU choose who the child's other parent will be, when you make a baby with them. And according to this thread, even if you daughter is comfortable. She is lying and just saying what she wants you to hear. Couldn't possibly be that she is comfortable.

Does anyone assume kids are unhappy, if they live with both parents?

All parents should be trying to do their best. Most do. But their relationship status, doesn't make that more or less likely.

I’m not bragging.

My ex fucked up and my kids suffered. It’s the responsible and right thing to have done not to have added to the stress my kids were under.

The things that my ex and his new wife did were awful and the kids didn’t need the stress.