Blended Families

[ShrikeAttack]

Everything I read about blended families always sounds bad. I honestly have never seen a post on here where blended families work.

I'm nearly 50 and every blended family I've ever been party too, they're not great. They don't work. There's so much anguish and pain.

Why does anyone do it?

Younger women that are considering it, I'd advise them not to.

I guess this post is salutary. If you have a choice, don't.

DH took on dd1 as his own. We moved in together when she was 7, and she's never actually met her biological father so he's the only dad she's ever had. Dd2 was born when dd1 was 10 and they adore each other. They're definitely sisters rather than half anything.

I'm not sure I'd really call our situation blended though, as it was just me and DD, then DH moved in with us. He didn't have kids with an ex, I didn't have an involved ex to butt his nose in.

My sister tried blending her family. Her and her 2 girls (50/50 with ex) lived with a new partner and his son (lived mostly with them, eow with his mum). It was a nightmare for all involved. My sister had to do too much parenting of his son, the son was unpleasant to her girls (as teenage boys might often be to younger siblings but they didn't have the sibling bond already there, it was just an older boy in their house being nasty to them). They lasted 2 years living together then when the landlord sold the house they rented she told him she wanted to live separately again, still dating but not living together. He went mental, they split up properly, she moved town, they've not seen each other since. The girls are significantly happier now.

do think though that stepdads in general have an easier job than stepmums

Agree with this as well.

I had a blended family as a child. It was shit. Watching my Dad play happy families with my Step brothers and half siblings whilst I hardly saw him. I’d never, ever, force my DC to life like that.

I took agree with you op. I have never seen this work in RL. Expecting children who have no relationship whatsoever to each other to magic up a sibling relationship, share their space and life and all be happy very rarely works. I've seen this too many times.

Does blended mean both parents already have children to previous marriages then have a child together too? I never really know what ‘blended’ means.

Personally think having a step-parent who doesn’t already have children works out fine. Having a step-parent who also brings along their own children is where it gets messy.

The blended family I know best, the parents would say it’s great and it works and they’re all one family.

The teens involved would say it was difficult; one left and went no contact for a few months. The younger children are happy with it, but then, like a PP mentioned, the other birth parent isn’t on the scene for them.

The decision was definitely made with the wants of the adults having more weight than the needs of the children.

It's like a divorce...not ideal but relationships break down and people have a right to move on, remarry and be happy..it's not ideal but the children will be making those choices too when they grow up. Once they go to uni, get in a relationship, move away etc they won't think twice about their parent..

@BlueLenka

It's like a divorce...not ideal but relationships break down and people have a right to move on, remarry and be happy..it's not ideal but the children will be making those choices too when they grow up. Once they go to uni, get in a relationship, move away etc they won't think twice about their parent..

It's much fraught than a divorce.

Generally speaking, as long as the parents remain more or less civil and the children are not uprooted, children make their peace with divorce (I realise those are big ifs but they are achievable). The relationship carries on with one or both parents and stability is maintained.

Having an entire other family imposed upon you is profoundly destabilising and takes away children's feelings of security and control.

Yes people have a right to move on and no-one should remain in an unhappy marriage "for the sake of the children". But I don't think a parent's right to arrange their romantic life for their convenience automatically trumps the child's right to feel secure. Most of the time children are not thrilled about having new step brothers and sisters forced on them, at least initially, and it has to be done with great care and sensitivity.

That doesn't mean you can't ever move a partner and their children in, just that you need to listen, take your children's concerns seriously and proceed VERY VERY slowly. I think anyone who does it inside a couple of years after the start of the relationship is asking for trouble.

I see and hear of so many people rushing to reassemble the family without any care for the sensitivities of the children or the family dynamics.

@Youdiditanyway

Does blended mean both parents already have children to previous marriages then have a child together too? I never really know what ‘blended’ means.

Personally think having a step-parent who doesn’t already have children works out fine. Having a step-parent who also brings along their own children is where it gets messy.

Disagree, I have a step parent with no children, as such he had no idea how to deal with me as a kid and expected me to behave like an adult all the time. It was not great.

As a child of the second family, I feel it’s not always fine and rosey for the second family either.

People on MN seem to think the second family DC are spoilt, have whatever they want, get more of their dad than the first family bla bla bla.

The reality was that my older half siblings despised me from being a very young child. My dad was physically abusive throughout my childhood and teens and my half siblings never experienced that because he split with their mum when they were tiny and they think the sun shines out of his arse.

They ended up with a great childhood, mum got a new partner with a great job and they couple ended up buying 2 houses together. They both got uni funded etc.

I was meanwhile stuck with my parents who were skint, alcoholic and violent dad.

I know that’s just one situation but I hate MN vitriol towards second families.

As a child of the second family, I feel it’s not always fine and rosey for the second family either.

It definitely isn't. I'm also the product of a second family and my older siblings have carried resentment towards us throughout their adult lives.

I don't think this is particularly about vitriol towards second families, although there is a lot of MN distrust of relationships post divorce.

I do think, though, that if your marriage breaks down and you begin a new relationship you owe it to your children to be ruthlessly honest with yourself as to whether moving a new partner and their kids in is genuinely in your kids' best interests and not move in unless and until the children explicitly say they want tis. There's an awful lot of justification after the fact and as someone else has pointed out, the parents may well say it works well but the children -- from both families - often tell a very different story.

I think it’s rare, but it can work. My dad was abusive and left when I was 4, my mum married my stepdad when I was 6 and they had my sister when I was 8. My stepdad is great and has always treated me and my sister the same, have never felt that he loves her more than me. It was also great to have a positive male role model. My (half) sister and I are really close and I wouldn’t be without her.

I credit my stepdad a lot with being so good with me. It also helped that I was so young when it all happened, it would have been a lot harder if I was older I think.

Of course my dad did the classic marrying a much younger woman and having two more kids in his late 40s, I barely see him and he shows basically no interest in my life. But he was never going to be a good parent jo matter the circumstances.

Nonsense. Of course they can work.
Our blended family set up is very happy and works enormously well.

YANBU in my limited experience many blended families do not work. Having said that I would not exist had my dad not decide to marry again and have another child.

I’m a single mum now and will not be moving another man at least until my children have left home. So many threads on here where posters want their step dc to sleep on the sofa in the living room or such like.

Some of the comments on here are horrible.....calling parents selfish for having a new partner seems pretty low. What works for some, doesn't work for others and there are plenty of biological families on here destroying their kids for the sake of staying together!

I left an abusive relationship with my 2 kids, we were on our own for a long time and muddled our way through life, we were and still are very close and I loved the little adventures we had. I met my DP through a mutual friend and my kids love him. My DD has been really unwell the past few years and he has been to hell and back and held our hand the whole time. DD dotes on him and he is the closest thing to a dad she has ever had.
We have been together a long time and the kids have grown up with DP being a consistent part of their lives, the same could not be said for their bio dad. We are expecting a baby together and the kids couldn't be happier. Again, everything has been done as a family, there is and never will be an us and them situation and we have spoken at length about ensuring the kids are always treated fairly.

I've seen it work (friend of mine with 2 kids has just married her long term DP who has 2 kids. They often socialise and even go away with both exes and their new partners and DC - oddly the exes also have 2 DC each with new partners. They all live within walking distance of each other and help each other with childcare as most of the kids go school locally). I think this is obviously an extreme though.

Sadly I have seen the other extreme too - a very damaged young man who was blended into a family and treated like utter shit!

@SpottyZebra492

Some of the comments on here are horrible.....calling parents selfish for having a new partner seems pretty low. What works for some, doesn't work for others and there are plenty of biological families on here destroying their kids for the sake of staying together!

I think you're misunderstanding. I don't think its selfish to have a new partner. I do think its pretty selfish to move said new partner and all his or her children in within months of getting together.

I have a partner after my divorce - we've been together nearly three years -- and we are very happily living separately. I wouldn't move him in unless I was totally sure my daughter was fine with it.

Fine to date and have new relationships. That's totally understandable. I don't understand the rush to move everyone under one roof.

@SpottyZebra492

Some of the comments on here are horrible.....calling parents selfish for having a new partner seems pretty low. What works for some, doesn't work for others and there are plenty of biological families on here destroying their kids for the sake of staying together!

I left an abusive relationship with my 2 kids, we were on our own for a long time and muddled our way through life, we were and still are very close and I loved the little adventures we had. I met my DP through a mutual friend and my kids love him. My DD has been really unwell the past few years and he has been to hell and back and held our hand the whole time. DD dotes on him and he is the closest thing to a dad she has ever had.
We have been together a long time and the kids have grown up with DP being a consistent part of their lives, the same could not be said for their bio dad. We are expecting a baby together and the kids couldn't be happier. Again, everything has been done as a family, there is and never will be an us and them situation and we have spoken at length about ensuring the kids are always treated fairly.

Nothing wrong with having a new partner but that doesn't mean having to move them in. I'd date, but I'd never move someone in or have more kids with them.

The thing is, most adults will insist that their blended family situation works. In my experience, a lot of the kids think different.

I grew up in a blended family. There were some rows and issues but no more than in the 'traditional' families of my friends.
I'm in the process of starting to blend with DP. I've got two older kids, he has two younger ones. So far so good. We don't force the older ones (mid teens) to hang out with the littles but they sometimes choose to. We eat together most evenings and then they go and do their own thing as they did before DP moved in and they do at their Dads. We are going on holiday all of us soon and we have the odd day out as a six here and there. My two like DP but he doesn't try and parent them-he will give them lifts and listen to them and advise them on stuff when asked so it's a nice relationship they have going. In fact dd2 gets on better with him than me at the minute as she is giving me some teenage gip. Dd1 takes the mickey out of him in a nice way-and they get on well-and she says she likes seeing me happy so so far so good.
He lives with us most of the time but has his own place which he uses when he has his DC mid week. We all stay at mine when he has them for the weekend or at least two of the nights. We will leave this as is for a year or two and if it's still working we might sell both houses and buy together.
Most families have periods of unrest and it's rare that life is plain sailing. To me it's how you deal with the issues, blended family or not, that makes the difference. DP and I share the workload and I adore his boys-I always wanted more kids and figured I would never have them after my divorce so I view it as a total bonus!

Fine to date and have new relationships. That's totally understandable. I don't understand the rush to move everyone under one roof.

I agree. Imo moving everyone in is often to do with the adults wanting to spend more time together and to save money. Fair enough but these are not the children’s priorities.

I also think that the younger the children are the better. Once they get to teenagers… not so much

BoltonDoowar
Your post really resonates with me so much. And makes me feel so sad and a bit angry too.
I hate the way people assume second children have it all just because their parents are together, and that it makes up for everything else lacking in their lives. Your situation as a child is proof of that not being the case!

My children were in exactly the same position as you were as a child, with an alcoholic and abusive father living with them and their older sibling pretty much shielded from all of that and having a great life (thanks to their mum which is great). Yet according to some, my children had a better life and should have been grateful just because they lived under the same roof as their mum and dad 24/7. It’s an insult to people like you and my children.

Luckily I’m no longer with their father and their lives are so much better because he doesn’t live here anymore.

@funinthesun19.

I’m sorry you and your children went through that. Dad was always chirpy and suddenly became super-dad when my half-siblings visited. It’s like he saw them as his special sacred children who we got to impress
whereas me and my brother who he was stuck with full-time were just stressful money drains

He’d cheerily kiss them goodbye and wave them off when their mum picked them up after a visit and then as soon as the car was off our street he’d come inside, go straight to the fridge moaning and swearing about the mess and would grab some beers. Gradually get pissed throughout the night, shout abuse at me, my brother and mum, fuck off to the pub and spend our food money and then come in shouting the odds and if me or my brother dared to be out of bed to get a glass of water we’d get slapped.

There are literally people who I’ve spoken to who can’t get their heads around the fact I may have had it worse than the ‘first family’. They think my dad is a brilliant super-dad.

Nothing wrong with having a new partner but that doesn't mean having to move them in. I'd date, but I'd never move someone in or have more kids with them.

The thing is, most adults will insist that their blended family situation works. In my experience, a lot of the kids think different.

Exactly this.

It was very much some sort of fucked up “distance makes the heart grow fonder” situation with my dad and my half-siblings. Because he only had them a couple of nights a month, it was a novelty in a way. They’d be excited to come and see him which fuelled his ego so he’d want to impress them.

Whereas with me and my brother, he was stuck with us every day and we were the children of his wife who he also liked to push around. Me and my brother were the ones he had to buy food for, clothe, drive about, put to bed day in day out so we weren’t ‘special’ or a ‘novelty’ like my half-siblings. We were just nasty little leeches living in his house.

Of the four children at home, three are not biologically DHs but they all call him dad and he treats them all the same. The biological fathers accept this and we all have a surface friendly relationship (I say surface because I cannot stand the biological father but he doesn't seem to realise and the kids have no idea). It can work, it just means sometimes you have to swallow a lot of pride and really put the kids first. I remind myself of that at least weekly