AIBU to think that all men are a bit shit?

[Vitallyli]

I love DH, he's intelligent, generous, loves me, our DS, our dog, my family, he's not a cheater, not a gambler, but he also has low self esteem, can get paranoid about me cheating, can get depressed, drinks more than I think is okay, we are in our mid 30s, can shout at me sometimes, doesn't help me around the house much would rather make me a massage. He tells me compliments daily though, boosted my self esteem after birth for which I'll be eternally grateful. I hope I paint a fair picture. AIBU to think that all men are flawed and there is no perfect relationships and women have to put up with one thing or another or is there a beautiful loving, caring and respectful relationships out there?

The point the pp made was that the attempted suicide rate is much the same, it's just that men finish the job more often than women do.

But it's usually the outcome that people focus on rather than the intent.

For example, lots of studies have found that women are significantly more likely to be violent towards their partners than men. However, we consider male violence more of an issue because men tend to 'finish the job' more often and kill their partners.

"Women are significantly more likely to be physically and verbally aggressive towards their partner than men, according to a study on domestic violence."

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/women-more-likely-to-hit-their-partners-wx29qb0nwwg

"The study, which challenges the long-standing view that women are overwhelmingly the victims of aggression, is based on an analysis of 34,000 men and women by a British academic. Women lash out more frequently than their husbands or boyfriends."

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/women-are-more-violent-says-study-622388.html%3famp

@SourAppleChew that's interesting, I wonder if that's because female "lashing out" is more "acceptable" in society so they don't hold themselves back when they should.

Yes there is a huge cultural acceptance of female-on-male violence in films, cartoons, jokes etc that would not be OK if it was male on female violence. Probably because of the underlying situation that women are less likely to seriously harm men, but that doesn't make it OK and I don't like it when I see it - eg whacking men on the head with a frying pan etc.

There is no such thing as the perfect partner, in my view. All you can hope to do is find someone with a set of flaws that you personally can live with.

YABU

the only reason I stayed with my DH as long as I did and had 2 children with him was because I was led to believe and brought up to believe that “all men are the same” “that’s what men are like”. My dad was abusive and lazy and my mum worked 12 hour days to support us and she did all the housework too.

Ive since learnt that half the reason that men get away with shit behaviour is because women perpetuate these ideas that all men are the same.

I have 2 boys I am trying to bring them up with a sense of responsibility towards others.

I would say that there's an awful lot of male entitlement.

I would also say that a lot of men are conditioned to be, and are, sexist.

Women can be shit too. People in general can be shit. Which is why I mostly keep myself to myself.

@QueenPeary

Yes there is a huge cultural acceptance of female-on-male violence in films, cartoons, jokes etc that would not be OK if it was male on female violence. Probably because of the underlying situation that women are less likely to seriously harm men, but that doesn't make it OK and I don't like it when I see it - eg whacking men on the head with a frying pan etc.

I agree.

A man can quite easily kill a women (or another man sometimes) with a single punch, but it would be extremely unlikely for the reverse to happen.

Female on male violence is definitely more widely accepted as you say, though. Oddly, I see it most in rom coms and romance films which are usually aimed at a female demographic. The female love interest wallops the man around the face and clearly we're all meant to cheer her on as he deserved it.

I've never before heard anyone complain about the above, but it would certainly not go down well in a mainstream film if the man slapped his girlfriend hard around the face!

All humans are flawed, but I have to admit I do find men to be more selfish, with a low bar set for those who are described as otherwise.

There was a big discussion on here a while back where the OP was saying that women who didn't work were lucky. Quite a heated debate with many examples from both sides.

Somebody collated loads of the responses from the so called 'privileged' women and I think they'd be a good example of why many women are prepared to take the risk. Will try and find that post but was a while ago so not holding my breath.

Found it!

Previous poster said:

From a recent mumsnet thread. Wonder if their husbands enjoy their long hours in the office as much!

My sil is 44, rich and has NEVER had a job, lucky her! She has no trouble filling her day and has a great life.

Dp earns the money then gives it to me. Why would I feel oppressed?

I haven't worked in 8 years and bloody love it! I got to go shopping without ds today and have a long lunch with a friend. Going to the gym now.

My friend is married to the son of a billionaire and sometimes I have to block her on social media because her life is one long holiday.

I dont work, I was able to be a sahm with my sons, both in 30s now. I lunch, dressmake, walk my dogs for miles, spend time with friends and family etc....
I also volunteer for a small homeless charity, something I am so passionate about, being literally close to home.
I feel totally fulfilled!

My DSis married a very high earner and has never worked a day in her life.

My DH works 80 hours a week for a signficant amount of money, which allows me to be a SAHM and indulge myself, allow me to do all of my volunteering and my hobbies.

I work just a few hours a week in a job I love doing, I don’t have to work for financial reasons. I’ve accidentally ended up with a really high earning DH. I enjoy having lots of time to myself, I have hobbies, an amazing spa membership and an extremely fortunate to have some really good friends whom I’m able to see nearly every week.

My SIL is lucky enough to not have to work due to DB’s income. She has nice things, goes out for lots of lunches.

I'm a SAHM who has teenage children and is fortunate to be married to a high earner so I haven't needed to work since having kids. We do have a lifestyle that most people would find impressive.

I choose not to work. DH works really long shifts and odd hours so can be out of the house either days or nights, with each week being different. When the kids are grown I'll go and get some post-sahm work. Maybe in a shop, factory, cafe or something similar.

The funniest post was Monday morning when she started by posting “it’s going to be a long week, hoping the nanny isn’t late” followed by “anyone know a place I can get nails done, not happy with the place I’ve been going as I think they overcharge and wanting a day to pamper myself a bit.”

I feel lucky that I don't need to work. I am not getting any benefits because dh earns enough.

I'm lucky in that I didn't have to carry on working.

I am lucky enough not to work and stay at home with my son, as DH is a high earner. I feel extremely grateful for this every day, and try very hard not to take it for granted.

I'm thinking I may have posted this in wrong thread! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Was supposed to be a response to a comment that lots of women know the risks of not working but still choose to do so as they deem the benefits to outweigh the risk.

Yup, meant to post in the SAHM thread but got wrong tab. Apologies!

IME it's usually the man walking on eggshells. Lots of men put up with 'princess' types, but a woman would run a mile if a bloke said on his dating profile that he was 'a bit high maintenance' etc.

Well said.

OP, all people are flawed, why pick on just men? There are some right bitches out there, is that acceptable just because they are not men?

Not that some men aren't 'high maintenance' in a different way - e.g. not pulling their weight around the house and needing everything done for them.

But that's a slightly different case. I sometimes look at women's dating profiles out of curiosity/nosiness and used to be amazed how many actually chose the 'princess' personality type on POF back when you could select from a drop down list - e.g. geek/coffee snob/adventurer/creative.

I think there’s a much higher percentage of men who become a ‘bit shit’ after having kids than there are women. So many of them cannot fathom putting the family first after their individual wants/needs. I don’t think that men are intrinsically bad but the patriarchy teaches them to feel more selfish.

I think one of the biggest problems is that more women than men want to enter long term relationships, and at a younger age, so there is always a shortage of men in this way. So there is no sex or relationship reason for men to change as any slightly decent or even pretty shit man will be snapped up, while many excellent women are long term single not by choice.

@SourAppleChew I guess majority of women are not married to high earners. So it's somewhat an exception. Most women have to go back to work after their maternity pay is over. I always wondered if you have enough money to get a cleaner, a nanny, possibly a chef basically get your house work covered what can you then possibly argue with DH about 😂

@TreeSmuggler really? Even in the UK? I was under impression that there are more men than women in the UK and women get to choose. I'm not from the UK myself and where I'm from there are much more single women than man. Man get really picky and don't care much about pulling their weight in.

[quote Vitallyli]@TreeSmuggler really? Even in the UK? I was under impression that there are more men than women in the UK and women get to choose. I'm not from the UK myself and where I'm from there are much more single women than man. Man get really picky and don't care much about pulling their weight in.[/quote]
It's probably easier for women to get sex...but a serious relationship? Nope...the previous poster was correct, there are far more women who want to settle down than there are men. There's loads of attractive, nice, normal single women who want a relationship. Any attractive, nice, normal man who wants a relationship will have been snapped up!

This isn't my experience.
I know some men who are shit but I know far far more who aren't. Same for women.

Your DH just sounds like a normal human being to me - generally quite nice with a few flaws. I’m not sure how you got from the description of your DH to “all men are a bit shit”!

All men that I know well are more selfish than women to à various degree that's how I went to "all men". So I'm wondering if it's just the men I know..

I couldn’t tolerate a man shouting at me, ever. That’s not acceptable, ur apparently plently of women find that appealing just to have a man. Any man. So 🤷‍♀️

*but

@Vitallyli

All men that I know well are more selfish than women to à various degree that's how I went to "all men". So I'm wondering if it's just the men I know..

Maybe, and I don’t mean this as an excuse, but myself and the guys I grew up with learned that there was no support for us. If something bad or traumatic happened, there was nobody to rely on or let your guard down with, really. Literally you’d have to depend on yourself. I know it’s coloured other things in my life.

Women seem to be more supportive of other women, at least seen from the outside.