AIBU to think that all men are a bit shit?

[Vitallyli]

I love DH, he's intelligent, generous, loves me, our DS, our dog, my family, he's not a cheater, not a gambler, but he also has low self esteem, can get paranoid about me cheating, can get depressed, drinks more than I think is okay, we are in our mid 30s, can shout at me sometimes, doesn't help me around the house much would rather make me a massage. He tells me compliments daily though, boosted my self esteem after birth for which I'll be eternally grateful. I hope I paint a fair picture. AIBU to think that all men are flawed and there is no perfect relationships and women have to put up with one thing or another or is there a beautiful loving, caring and respectful relationships out there?

@PicsInRed

I’m certainly not one of the #notallmen brigade but I think it’s a bit shit you’re dragging all of our fathers/brothers/partners/sons down to your DH’s level.

And this is why nothing will ever change - woman taking offence at the calling out of anti social men, simply because they have other men in their family.

Excuse you. I’m not offended by OP calling out her husband’s shitty behaviour.

On the contrary, I think sweeping generalisations like the OP’s are why nothing will ever change. Individuals need to be held accountable for their shitty behaviour and women should be empowered to hold the men in their lives accountable for shitty behaviour.

OP’s post boils down to “ah, that’s just men eh?” Like the adult version of “boys will be boys”.

If OP is unhappy with her DH’s behaviour then she needs to speak up and do something about it, not try to write it off as a fucking insulting stereotype.

AIBU to think that all men are flawed and there is no perfect relationships and women have to put up with one thing or another

I just find it incredible that you don't think men are in the same position regarding woman. My husband is a better person than me. I'm fully aware of it.

@LagunaBubbles

All humans can be flawed OP.

1000% this.

@entropynow

If so, all women are a bit shit as well. I know I am

yup, this deffo

St David is right again

@OneGlamMama I know how you feel! I sometimes think DH would spend more time with DS if we divorce and he gets joint custody. Good luck with your divorce!

Ooh, he just sounds better and better. He "loves" ds but doesn't make any effort to spend time with him. Not a flaw. A major character defect I'd say.

@Just10moreminutesplease what sort of flaws your DH has? I'm just curious what things women put up with. Equally of course all humans are flawed and women too. I'd be curious to find out what men put up with as much!

@idontlikealdi

Are you perfect op?

I think I am and that's my biggest imperfection 😂

Men typically get away with being lazy parents and useless household members a lot more easily than women do.

However that doesn't mean that you have to put up with a man who fails to clear the already pretty fucking low bar set for him by society. Nor does it mean that none of them do.

If you're not happy with him, you can talk to him. If that doesn't work, you can leave him.

@CrouchEndTiger12

Selfishness is huge though.

I have never met one who doesn't think if himself first middle and last

Maybe I'm just lucky, but my DH, my dad and my brother are all incredibly unselfish, especially wrt family life. Giving, loving , hard-working, gentle people who put wives and children first always.

[quote Vitallyli]@Just10moreminutesplease what sort of flaws your DH has? I'm just curious what things women put up with. Equally of course all humans are flawed and women too. I'd be curious to find out what men put up with as much![/quote]
Sometimes he talks too much when I’m tired. Occasionally he leaves cups by the bed.

On the other hand I often ignore that the bin is full and I’m a nightmare for hogging the duvet on cold nights 🤷‍♀️.

No one is perfect, but this doesn’t mean you should put up with blatant disrespect.

Also he is definitely a better person than me. Much less inclined towards selfishness and works incredibly hard both at work and in the home.

I truly believe I’m a better person for knowing him.

@EmoIsntDead

Everyone has flaws. My DH is an amazing guy and I can overlook his flaws because we get on so well and have a lovely life together.

I’m certainly not one of the #notallmen brigade but I think it’s a bit shit you’re dragging all of our fathers/brothers/partners/sons down to your DH’s level.

Of course there are no perfect relationships, it’s completely unrealistic to think that there are. I think you should perhaps concentrate on your own relation and it’s issues. I certainly wouldn’t be putting up with a husband who accuses me of cheating, doesn’t pull his weight at home, drinks too much and shouts at me. This isn’t an ‘all men are shit’ problem, it’s a YOUR man is a bit shit problem

Yes absolutely, I'm sorry I obviously don't know your fathers and sons and that post is not about them. In my world all relationships I know have people (yes both men and women) putting up with one thing or another. So that got me thinking if all relationships are a bit shit. I put up with stuff in my relationships (no he's not controlling or drinking / shouting every day), in my mind so far his virtues outweighs his flaws. I'm obviously not perfect. But I'm thinking if there are relationships where people don't put up with much. I haven't had one. Maybe I'm choosing wrong people or have wrong set of values?

@VladmirsPoutine

All humans are flawed. To err is to be human or whatever the saying is.

But wrt one of the happiest and most full filled women I have ever come across gave up dating and having relationships with men. (She's hetero so it's not that she switched sides, she just gave up on men entirely)

One of my friends said that she can only be her true self when single.

@ZednotZee

Mine is a lazy, common, fat bastard.

But then I'm a conceited, high maintenance, neurotic bitch.

And he is good in bed so that obscures so many of my misgivings. Plus he is generous to a fault.
He smokes twenty fags a day but I drink four bottles of fizz a week.

I suppose its all dependent upon whether your flaws balance each other out.

I always wondered what high maintenance really means?

All people can be flawed
But if my DP shouted at me and didn’t do fuck all round the house he wouldn’t be my DP.

My husband is a far better person than me

He really has not got any flaws in my eyes

As a man I take great exception to your offensive insinuation, as I know that I, personally, am not "a bit shit".

I'm almost completely shit.

Mine is amazing. Thoughtful, funny, caring. Not all men are bad although MN will tell you they are.

@Vitallyli

I don't do much for myself.

He makes my coffees and cooks my meals.
Pays for my hair appointments and beauty treatments etc.
Does my laundry, takes things to the dry cleaners etc.

I gave him five beautiful children and look good at barbecues/parties/dinners.

He says he has a shit car because his wife takes all his maintenance capabilities.

Hes a nicer person than me by a country mile.

I don't think all men are shit & equally some women are shit however women are held up to much higher standards & often accept too low a standard in their partners.

@Raskolnikov84

As a man I take great exception to your offensive insinuation, as I know that I, personally, am not "a bit shit".

I'm almost completely shit.

That made me laugh.

What really means a lot to me is intelligence, same views on raising our children, similar views on the world, politics, similar interests, kindness, generosity. I do t care much if he leaves his dirty socks 5cm outside the laundry bin. Commuting to each other and actually liking each other is important in my opinion. I had a relationship before where a man was cooking, cleaning, doing everything for me but we didn't share same views on life and I got bored of him. I wonder if people actually meet their other half's where they don't need to put up with things, and I'm excited to see some people here admitting they are happy with their relationships. I am happy with mine but I definitely put up with things I don't like (so does he).

@Raskolnikov84

As a man I take great exception to your offensive insinuation, as I know that I, personally, am not "a bit shit".

I'm almost completely shit.

😂

the already pretty fucking low bar set for him by society

women are held up to much higher standards

I'm actually not sure I agree with these statements.

Men get much more stigma for not being the main earner and SAHD face a much higher statistical chance of being divorced. The sky high male suicide rate is partly down to men who feel they've 'failed' or don't match up to the standard.

If one partner is working part time when their kids have left home, or not working at all, it's always the woman. Most men work to 65 but plenty of women are part time by 40 with kids all grown up.

Yes, they lose a certain amount of independence but many are nonetheless like the kid with rich parents who you know will never have to really struggle to support themselves, even if it's not as ideal as being self made. People on here always talk about the risk but rarely mention the women who float through life with a rich husband paying for everything. Seen plenty on here saying how lucky they are to have 'found a lovely man who just happens to be rich'.