To tell another adult that its bad manners?

[bluepompoms]

I am worried about this as don’t want kids to pick up on it.

DH is into cars, and knows a lot about them.

When we are out driving or if the TV is on and he sees a classic one or one like his or just one he likes he calls out. ‘Porsche!’ ‘Look, a Ferrari!’

Problem is he totally cuts across what you’re saying to do this. Even if it’s something important.

I’ve always hated it as you feel like a massive twat then pausing and resuming what you were saying, but AIBU to tell him it’s really bad manners? Worried about little DCs picking up on it and thinking it’s OK.

My own husband? Er, yes, I'd tell him if he was cutting me and other people off to point out cars. It'd be different if you both really loved cars and you'd be upset if you missed the chance of seeing an interesting car, or if he did it only very rarely, but if it's frequent enough that it's annoying you, I'd definitely explain that it feels disrespectful to the person speaking. I would do this privately, of course, not in front of anyone else.

In your case op it would depend what you were talking about for me. A serious conversation, I’d be surprised and think he wasn’t taking me seriously but if it was just chat, I’d think you were being a bit precious.

Yes, it’s very rude and an adult ought to be able to control his impulses unless he has serious SEN issues.

Start pointing it out every single time he does it… “you’ve rudely interrupted me again”.

If he cares about not being a dick, he’ll learn to control himself when in company.

See if it's something that might be of interest to the listener or others in the car, then I think it's fair enough - we point out things that are unusual or special etc. But this is essentially like me shouting "hair clip!" whenever I see a woman with a nice hair accessory - because I DO in fact think that, in my head, because I like interesting hair accessories - but that would be a really bizarre thing to point out to my husband and kids, right? Especially if one of them was in the middle of talking.
So yeah, it's rude unless it's of interest to anyone else in the car imo.

@Benjispruce5

I come from a big family who talk a lot , interrupting, finishing other’s sentences etc but with each other it’s never rude, always good humoured.My DB’s wife is an only child and I think found us a bit rude. DB said at her parents house, when someone talks , everyone listens. Sound reasonable but we all felt like naughty school children when he told us and of course tried not to laugh. It’s just learnt familial behaviour and is often cultural.My family is mainly Irish.

@Benjispruce5 If I was talking about something I was doing and you interrupted to clarify a point that would be fine. However if you interrupted to point out a random car I would assume I was boring you and you were rude.

My father (late 80s) does something similar. But my siblings and I have good manners (I hope!)so it obviously didn't rub off on us. Your children will pick up on your reaction to his interrupting and realise his behaviour is unacceptable.

If you don't like it, what's stopped you from telling him that? It doesn't have to be that you're saying he has poor manners or that he's doing anything wrong.

It drives me demented when someone has a habit of interrupting. Everybody does it from time to time, but when it's constant, it's rude. Especially if the other person has mentioned it.

Not interrupting stifles conversation. I understand that when grown-ups are talking it's usually more important that anything a two year old might have to say, but adults can gauge whether what they're interrupting with is reasonable.

I used to work with autistic children. I studied autism at Uni and beyond. A friend of dh once gave me a lecture about his own theory about autism and it's causes. I tried to interrupt to tell him that his basic premise was inaccurate and a misunderstanding of what theory of mind is, but he talked over me. For 20 minutes. Then he told me off for interrupting him in his own home.

I never went back. I have not had him in my home since. I have not seen or spoken to him since. Dh has recently decided he doesn't want much to do with him any more too, so I guess the next time I see him will be at dh't funeral (if dh predeceases me) and I'm quite looking forward to tell the sod to piss off.

Adults interrupr each other all the time. That's how conversation works.

It's only on the internet that you can't be interrupted. Like you couldn't interrupt my little lecture her.

Incidentally, his theory was based on crap misundestanding and led to worse. It was bollocks.

@Aloethere

I think everyone has their foibles and if you can't do a few weird things with your partner then who can you do it with? I don't always watch my manners with dh and he doesn't with me, almost 20years in we know the intentions of the other. I point out dogs sometimes or flowers, he points out motorbikes or other vehicles. Meh.

Some of my favourite moments with my DH are when we've spotted something that we would normally be immensely childish about, but that we can't act childishly about due to present company.

@Jux what you're describing is the normal flow of conversation. Of course that's fine, monologists are equally annoying. But that's not the same thing as interrupting just to point out a car.

There are different types of interrupting though. Most conversations work on a kind of implicit understanding of turn taking: you say a bit, then someone else does.

There's the agreeing/ enthusiastic/talking over and gaining control of a conversion type.
There's the leaping in at an opportune moment, for your input.
Then there's the interrupting to change the subject because you're bored/ not really listening/ have poor social skills (ds is guilt of this)/ think you are more important.

Conversation is a skill and something that needs to be modelled.

I think there is a time and a place for interruptions to be okay and equally when they aren't.

If youre just having a general chit chat then I don't think there's a problem with an occasional interruption for something interesting/unusual but people should acknowledge it as an interruption and apologise.

"So when we get to the supermarket, can you remin-"
"Ooh look, a squirrel! ... sorry, what were you saying about the supermarket?"

If it is a serious conversation then I would expect that their full attention on the other person(s) in the discussion and if they interrupted with something other than an emergency I would be very upset. When this has happened to me in the past I have literally walked away from the other person as they clearly have no respect for the seriousness of the conversation and I will continue when they are ready to give me their full attention.

"So I just got the results back from those medical tests I was referred for and the docto-"

"Ooh look a squirrel!"

@HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst

See if it's something that might be of interest to the listener or others in the car, then I think it's fair enough - we point out things that are unusual or special etc. But this is essentially like me shouting "hair clip!" whenever I see a woman with a nice hair accessory - because I DO in fact think that, in my head, because I like interesting hair accessories - but that would be a really bizarre thing to point out to my husband and kids, right? Especially if one of them was in the middle of talking. So yeah, it's rude unless it's of interest to anyone else in the car imo.

Love this analogy, that's exactly what I think. It's not worth interrupting unless the person you're speaking to would be interested and it can't wait.

but adults can gauge whether what they're interrupting with is reasonable

This is the bit that the adult in question is failing to do. OP isn't wanting interrupting to be banned, worldwide. Just questioning how reasonable it is to yell 'FERRARI!' over someone who's explaining about an aquaintance who's been diagnosed with cancer.

I think conversation is rather like a dance. When things are going well, something harmonious and flowing is created by the participants, each mindful of the contribution of others and responding to it.

Shouting out Porsche and Ferrari randomly is like stepping on someone's toes when they are mid-glide.

How many times do you actually see a Ferrari while driving? Once a year at most? But apparently a car fanatic would have to wait until it had gone past to mention it, even if it's general chat in the car.

It's a bit joyless, isn't it?

Most adults can and do bend and flex conversation occasionally. I don't get excited enough about sights to point them out, but couldn't get worked up about someone else who did, unless he's pointing out every electric car on the road while you're talking about something important and/or he won't let you redirect conversation to your original topic.

If that's the case, then he's being an arse and just tell him directly. If not, then pretending it's concern about the kids talking over their teachers is a bit silly, really, they're presumably intelligent enough to pick up the rules there - just let it go, we all have some slightly annoying habits that our loved ones overlook.

I think also there are different types of interruptions "sorry do you mean Fred from accounting or Fred who delivers the toilet rolls?" is are more reasonable interruption when your spouse is talking about a colleague's illness than "FERRARI!"

Haha loving that other people play yellow car 😁. Although we've changed it to purple sometimes as there are now lots of yellow cars 😁

@MoreAloneTime

I think also there are different types of interruptions "sorry do you mean Fred from accounting or Fred who delivers the toilet rolls?" is are more reasonable interruption when your spouse is talking about a colleague's illness than "FERRARI!"

Clearly in this case, he was being an arse. Maybe in many others also, if he didn't see anything wrong with this. Also in those cases, the appropriate thing is generally to say so in the moment, not come on here to have pages and pages of handwringing and passive aggressive suggestions of saying 'did you mean to be so rude'? It's just exhausting.

Context is everything. The OP mentioned that it happened even when she was talking about something important (to her).

But if you are engaged in idle chitchat or the FERRARI! is on the wrong side of the road and heading straight for you, then such an interruption is certainly allowed.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd

I think conversation is rather like a dance. When things are going well, something harmonious and flowing is created by the participants, each mindful of the contribution of others and responding to it.

Shouting out Porsche and Ferrari randomly is like stepping on someone's toes when they are mid-glide.

How eloquently expressed

SQUIRREL!!!

I'm not sure why he has to be interested in what you're saying when you have no interest in what he's saying, but if you don't like it, tell him.

It astounds me how many people here don't talk to their partners about the most basic things.