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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell another adult that its bad manners?

211 replies

bluepompoms · 25/07/2021 21:23

I am worried about this as don’t want kids to pick up on it.

DH is into cars, and knows a lot about them.

When we are out driving or if the TV is on and he sees a classic one or one like his or just one he likes he calls out. ‘Porsche!’ ‘Look, a Ferrari!’

Problem is he totally cuts across what you’re saying to do this. Even if it’s something important.

I’ve always hated it as you feel like a massive twat then pausing and resuming what you were saying, but AIBU to tell him it’s really bad manners? Worried about little DCs picking up on it and thinking it’s OK.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/07/2021 12:08

Even if he's excited to see something, he's an adult & if he knows no one else is interested he should just stfu imo.

Rude, boring fucker!

CaptainThe95thRifles · 26/07/2021 12:08

The day I don't interrupt a conversation to point out a Lamborghini on the road is the day I've given up on life.

In fairness, though, I don't really spend much time with people who wouldn't also be interested in the car, and I'm just as likely to interrupt myself to point it out.

My mother does with dogs. Literally any dog. The OP would hate us.

MissyB1 · 26/07/2021 12:09

Dh does this if sport is on in the room, he pretends to be listening to the conversation, might even be taking part in it - then suddenly interrupts someone to spout off about what just happened in the match. Really bloody annoying!

It caused a row once at the In Laws because his brother was talking to us all about something that had upset him at work and Dh suddenly interrupted him in a loud voice to tell us all why the ref had got it wrong! Bil was very pissed off!! I was very embarrassed.

Yanbu OP

MoreAloneTime · 26/07/2021 12:09

Surely there is a healthy medium that is two people talking back and forth on a topic. It doesn't have to be either a long wittering monologue or one person ignoring the other to bellow out unrelated words.

TiddyTidTwo · 26/07/2021 12:10

"Excuse me for talking whilst you were interrupting" is my go to

Sarahlou63 · 26/07/2021 12:12

@percheron67

I hope he pronounces Porsche properly in front of the children.
How do you pronounce Porsche?
Donationwitheverypack · 26/07/2021 12:12

Oh, is it that weird to point out something of interest, monentarily, during a conversation?

"Look a woodpecker/vole/orchid" would be my thing, but it could just as easily be a car or a building or interesting shoes.

It's quite rude to dismiss his interest IMO.

3beesinmybonnet · 26/07/2021 12:17

I know someone like this and I also find it very rude. Is he the type of person who always wants to be the centre of attention and this is one of his tactics?
Re pps if it's adhd etc he'll do it to his boss etc not just you. If it's just you then it's rude.

I've found the only thing that works with this type of person is to give them a taste of their own medicine ie when he's talking randomly shout out "Tree!" and if he complains tell him that's what he does to you.

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 12:19

@Donationwitheverypack

Oh, is it that weird to point out something of interest, monentarily, during a conversation?

"Look a woodpecker/vole/orchid" would be my thing, but it could just as easily be a car or a building or interesting shoes.

It's quite rude to dismiss his interest IMO.

If someone was talking about something they wanted you to listen to, and what you interrupted with was only of interest to YOU, not mutual, then it is rude, yes. He's an adult, he knows OP isn't also interested in cars so wouldn't appreciate the interruption. He should have just said it in his head, he knows full well that information would be of zero interest to her so the interruption would be nothing but irritating.
icedcoffees · 26/07/2021 12:23

If someone was talking about something they wanted you to listen to, and what you interrupted with was only of interest to YOU, not mutual, then it is rude, yes. He's an adult, he knows OP isn't also interested in cars so wouldn't appreciate the interruption. He should have just said it in his head, he knows full well that information would be of zero interest to her so the interruption would be nothing but irritating.

It sounds to me like he didn't want to listen to her just as much as she didn't want to listen to him.

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 12:25

[quote Alannawhorideslikeaman]@aSofaNearYou I've obviously found my people then because we all do it when in conversation to each other. I'm pretty certain my friends and family don't find me rude, or they'd stop trying to spend time with us, and I doubt I'd have been so successful in work if I was regularly rudeWink

I actually think it's a proven thing that there are two main styles of conversation. In fact I read about it on Mumsnet. Where some people expect and want to talk in a monologue, whereas others prefer a more varied and flexible style of conversation. Can't remember the name of it though![/quote]
I like flexible conversation too. I'm not advocating for people speaking in long monologues, people chip in during natural pauses, conversation moves on, sometimes dips back to the previous topic etc. People might cut across a bit to say something relevant to the topic, this is all part of normal conversation. But interrupting mid sentence to point out something totally unrelated you've spotted to do with your hobby, that you know the other person isn't interested in, is really poor conversational skills, and makes it appear that you did not think what they were saying was worth listening to.

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 12:27

It sounds to me like he didn't want to listen to her just as much as she didn't want to listen to him.

If so he should wait until she pauses and change the subject, or if she too lacks self awareness and won't move on, say "we've been talking about this for a while, shall we talk about something else". What he's doing isn't a solution, it doesn't lead to a different conversation it's just a rude outburst.

icedcoffees · 26/07/2021 12:33

@aSofaNearYou

It sounds to me like he didn't want to listen to her just as much as she didn't want to listen to him.

If so he should wait until she pauses and change the subject, or if she too lacks self awareness and won't move on, say "we've been talking about this for a while, shall we talk about something else". What he's doing isn't a solution, it doesn't lead to a different conversation it's just a rude outburst.

I agree, but maybe he doesn't feel like asking politely works? Who knows.

Some people don't take the hint when you tell them they talk too much!

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 12:35

*I agree, but maybe he doesn't feel like asking politely works? Who knows.

Some people don't take the hint when you tell them they talk too much!*

Yeah I do appreciate that. But OP says he does this even when they're discussing something important, and given that what he's interrupting with is NEVER important, I can't help but feel that he is definitely the one being bad mannered here.

TheMoth · 26/07/2021 12:45

Dh does this. I pull him on it all the time. I've also pointed out that studies have shown that men do it more than women and women are more likely than men to acquiesce if someone cuts across them. Men are also more likely to cut across children- especially female ones. So I pull him when he does it to them too. Why is his sudden need to tell us all about the neighbour 's parking more important than the conversation we're already having?

thecatsthecats · 26/07/2021 12:52

I find the concept of perfect social manners between partners a bit stiff and formal.

My husband and I both have bad habits of not listening, and of interrupting each other, for which we apologise. But when I see an old car, I'll shout over him, "COOL CAR, COOL CAR", because they're usually there and gone in a flash. He appreciates it.

He also told me off for not listening to him the other day, and I protested that I was feeding a bee, and he agreed that was far more important.

We behave far worse with each other than we do with other people, which is the whole point of getting married isn't it? To find someone to act out like a naughty kid with you?

Donationwitheverypack · 26/07/2021 12:57

@thecatsthecats

I find the concept of perfect social manners between partners a bit stiff and formal.

My husband and I both have bad habits of not listening, and of interrupting each other, for which we apologise. But when I see an old car, I'll shout over him, "COOL CAR, COOL CAR", because they're usually there and gone in a flash. He appreciates it.

He also told me off for not listening to him the other day, and I protested that I was feeding a bee, and he agreed that was far more important.

We behave far worse with each other than we do with other people, which is the whole point of getting married isn't it? To find someone to act out like a naughty kid with you?

Yes, it's one of the tells of an affair. When a colleague hands you a drink, you'll always say thank you, unless you're particularly close to the colleague.

In OPs case it sounds like she doesn't really like DH, which is why she requires perfect manners of him.

Sarahlou63 · 26/07/2021 12:59

Interesting article here about how long you should speak. Apparently 20 seconds is fine, 40 seconds and you're losing your listener.

pleasedonttextmyman · 26/07/2021 13:04

He's not a random adult, he's your own husband.

Don't you people ever.. TALK to each other?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 26/07/2021 13:05

@nokidshere

We used to play (still do sometimes) 'yellow car, no returns'.

The person who saw the car called it out loud and then we just continued with our previous conversation. Maybe it feels rude because you don't join in?

We don't routinely interrupt and my sons have not turned into rude people because of it.

Same with our family, @nokidshere - it's an understanding than when we're driving round as a family, we're looking for Smarts and it is fair game to interrupt each other, but we wouldn't do it anywhere else. Guests participate happily once it's been explained to them. Childish, perhaps, but perhaps some of us take life too seriously all the time.
pleasedonttextmyman · 26/07/2021 13:05

*or is he interrupting every time you try to talk to him? Grin
Just do it indoors where there's no car to be seen

Pantene23 · 26/07/2021 13:11

Honestly, hearing about an ex colleagues health (who he probably doesn’t even know) is boring. Sad for you maybe…but means nothing to him. I’m not surprised he found his car thing more interesting.

newnortherner111 · 26/07/2021 13:14

Yes you should call him out, especially given the concern you have that your children may pick up bad habits.

Dowermouse · 26/07/2021 13:15

I started getting up and walking off when this sort of thing happened. If he asked why I'd say he wasn't listening and I wasn't going to be interrupted. It has helped a lot, although now he has some dementia type problems so I have to be a bit less hard line or we are both going to waste a lot of energy over it.

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 13:19

@thecatsthecats

I find the concept of perfect social manners between partners a bit stiff and formal.

My husband and I both have bad habits of not listening, and of interrupting each other, for which we apologise. But when I see an old car, I'll shout over him, "COOL CAR, COOL CAR", because they're usually there and gone in a flash. He appreciates it.

He also told me off for not listening to him the other day, and I protested that I was feeding a bee, and he agreed that was far more important.

We behave far worse with each other than we do with other people, which is the whole point of getting married isn't it? To find someone to act out like a naughty kid with you?

I don't disagree, no need for perfection, but after a while when your DP does something so many times that it irritates you, it's normal to point it out.

Also, it naturally comes across as less rude if it was a mutual interest, like the cars seem to be for you and your DP. If my DP did that habitually it would be very annoying because he knows I couldn't be less interested in classic cars. It's all about common sense, surely? I would interrupt my DP to point out something I know he would like to see, or to make a cheeky joke, but if he was clearly in a flow and wanting to talk to me about something, I wouldn't interrupt him to point out something I KNOW he isn't interested in and finds boring.

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