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Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Christmasmcchristmasface · 25/07/2021 20:40

Apologies for so many typos
Have similarly aged children
Know it’s tough for them

Ideasplease322 · 25/07/2021 20:41

Your step son is a nasty piece of work. So is his girlfriend.

What they are doing to your husband is financial abuse. They know he is vulnerable and they are laying in the guilt.

If your husband takes money intended for his daughter and give it to his son then your husband is just as bad.

If this couple can’t afford the new build, tough. They just need to save more.

This will just be the tip of the iceberg, if they can’t save for the deposit how will they furnish their little palace? How will they pay bills?

They need to grow up.

Winter2020 · 25/07/2021 20:42

If you have the space you could tell your stepson that he can live with you while he saves. If he works full time/overtime and keeps his expenses low he might be able to save £1k a month so it would only take 5 months to save the 5k. As your finances are tight at the moment he would need to buy his own food or chip in.

If he won’t put himself out then why should you?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/07/2021 20:42

Any suggestions?

Tell them to piss off and earn their own money/deposit!!!

Christ, the entitlement of that generation...

Scottishskifun · 25/07/2021 20:42

Nope your DSS is being a CF!
No way should your DSD money be given if they can't afford to buy it themselves then they should look at something else!

DH had similar with his sister he saved a inheritance, SIL spent hers then moaned when we bought a house...... But tough if you spend it then you replace those savings that's life!

Take the hard line with your DH state the obvious we cannot afford to give DSD 10K which is what we would have to do if we use that money as it has to be fair!

Inertia · 25/07/2021 20:42

I would be in immediate contact with DSD to arrange to set up an ISA with a long term lock in, so it’s in her name and becomes accessible when she reaches 21.

Next step would be to have a stern word with DSS and girlfriend about him squandering his gift.

messybun101 · 25/07/2021 20:43

What a cheeky fucker Jesus wept

breakfasty · 25/07/2021 20:43

If your husband does this it will tear apart the family. If my husband did this I would leave him. What does his 'D'S have over him that DD doesn't.

Ohpulltheotherone · 25/07/2021 20:44

Tbh even if DSD agreed to it in theory, I wouldn’t let them have it.

It’s not their money and quite honestly right now it’s not DSDs money just yet is it.

It’s your / your DH money right now, you have saved it with the intention of giving it to DSD but right now it’s your money.

Not sure why this is even being entertained to be honest. They should save up, like the rest of us.

Horehound · 25/07/2021 20:45

Absolutely no way would I give the money intended for dsd to DSS. What a cheeky fucker

Did he have a reason why he thinks is sister should miss out on the money he already received?

The thing I'd be worried about is him coercing her to giving him the money

fourandnomore · 25/07/2021 20:45

What an absolute joke. Most children would never be lucky enough to be given 5k at any age. At 21 he should have been responsible enough to think about this - nothing at all to do with DSD or her money and equally really not something you should feel bad about! Tell them to save up like anyone else trying to buy a house. We’ve never had any family help and bought our first (tiny) house when we were 33/34 ish. It took us years to do that but it felt so good. I’d be really upset he was even asking about this. His girlfriend’s family are very kind to offer to help but you can’t so it’s a simple no, please do not put your DSD in an awkward position she might never get over being put in.

DeciduousPerennial · 25/07/2021 20:45

“Let me get this straight: you’re asking us to give you your sister’s 21st birthday present? What did you do with 21st present after we gave it to you?”

Asked in front of the girlfriend.

Job done.

breakfasty · 25/07/2021 20:45

@Inertia

I would be in immediate contact with DSD to arrange to set up an ISA with a long term lock in, so it’s in her name and becomes accessible when she reaches 21.

Next step would be to have a stern word with DSS and girlfriend about him squandering his gift.

This is a great idea if DSD did want to save it anyway. She shouldn't feel pressured to keep it locked away though just because he is after it.
DeciduousPerennial · 25/07/2021 20:45

*your

BarbaraofSeville · 25/07/2021 20:45

If DSD is fairly certain she'd use her money for a house deposit, perhaps if she has other savings for other big purchases she might want to make, like a car, she'd probably do well to put her money in a LISA so it can only be used for a house deposit or pension - I think you can withdraw it, but you have to pay a penalty.

DSS is being very entitled and is obviously bad with money if he's spent his potential house deposit and failed to save while spending money on bike bits and holidays.

Perhaps suggest to his girlfriend you're actually doing her a favour by not helping them buy a house together, because it sounds like she doesn't want to have a joint mortgage with someone who's so bad with money.

viques · 25/07/2021 20:46

They can’t afford a new build. They need to be looking for a smaller, cheaper property that they can add value to then sell on. Because that is how it works in the real world.

LublinToDublin · 25/07/2021 20:46

I don't think you should involve dsd.
Your dh needs to just act fairly. Dss needs to hear "no" .

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:47

DSS has always been a selfish me me me kid who turned into the same as an adult and met a woman who is the same. They were not even a bit embarrassed to ask, came round and we were quite shocked. Left it as we didn't think it was a good idea and we would see how we are finance wise with our salaries to see what we might manage. Right now my answer is a big fat no and I as he hadnt mentioned repayment I think husband needs to speak to him about that anyway.

OP posts:
eightlivesdown · 25/07/2021 20:47

You can't give what you don't have, and you shouldn't feel guilty or bad about this, or obligated to fund mid-20's DSS. Nor should you give funds set aside for DSD.

DSS and girlfriend may need to lower their sights from an expensive new build house to something more affordable, because it sounds like they can afford a house, just not as nice a house as they would like.

Horehound · 25/07/2021 20:47

Why are you so concerned about what the girlfriend thinks? That's pathetic imo. She's as entitled as dss.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 25/07/2021 20:47

@DeciduousPerennial has it spot on. Cheeky little twat, how dare he?!

Ideasplease322 · 25/07/2021 20:48

Also, giving a 21 year so much money probably wasn’t wise. He wasted it.

Yes it’s his fault and yes he is being a selfish shit now. But it’s a lot of money to hand a 21 year old and expect his to be sensible. I know that ship has sailed, but if it was intended for something important like a desposit your husband should have given it later.

But not changing my position that the little shit gets nothing,

cataline · 25/07/2021 20:48

Fuck me he's an entitled little bastard isn't he?

What a cheeky arsehole.

I'd not mention it again then when he brings it up, laugh in his face and then say "Wait, you aren't actually being serious are you?"

bluebeck · 25/07/2021 20:49

@GetTaeFuck

He can fuck off, he pissed his money up the wall, boo hoo.
Agreed
Noterook · 25/07/2021 20:49

@GetTaeFuck

He can fuck off, he pissed his money up the wall, boo hoo.
Yeah pretty much this! They are both getting the same, the fact he has had his and wasted his is his own problem, £5k is no small sum. I can't imagine asking my parents for money for a deposit, especially if they'd already given me thousands!
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