Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
LawnFever · 25/07/2021 20:23

@ScottyandWestie

Thanks, my first thought was flat no, but girlfriend of DSS was making him feel a bit useless that we do t have more cash to give and that he's taken a pay cut. The kids know about the pay cut and my husband has struggled mentally with wrapping some Of his self worth in his pay and so feels crap at the moment now anyway as we have had to make some changes lifestyle wise. I think he just wants DSS to be happy. DSD Is very easy going that's why I do not want a word of it mentioned to her as I think she might say yes.
His girlfriend sounds a right money grabbing cow!

Just no, not a bloody chance - he’s had his £5k, this shouldn’t even be mentioned to his sister!

Cheeky fuckers the pair of them.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:23

Girlfriend didn't seem aware he had spent 5k on himself basically.
I'm going to suggest to husband that we keep money where it is for DSD for another year so her brother can't have it. DSS will not ask DSD for it, which makes me think even less of him as it's so sneaky to come to his father for the money.

OP posts:
grapewine · 25/07/2021 20:24

Cheeky fucker. And his dad shouldn't even mention it to his daughter. What a twatty thing to suggest from DSS.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:24

I wonder if it is better to give it to DSD sooner knowing DSS would never ask her.

OP posts:
Tibtab · 25/07/2021 20:25

He’ll just have to rent and try and save more for the deposit like the rest of us plebs. I didn’t buy my first house until I was in my 30s and he has plenty of time to get on the housing ladder.
You could also inform him that first houses aren’t necessarily the ones you stay in, the nice new build sounds like one for 10 years down the line.

I genuinely cannot believe the audacity.

Katedanielshasakitty · 25/07/2021 20:26

@ScottyandWestie

I wonder if it is better to give it to DSD sooner knowing DSS would never ask her.
You think your dh is going to cave and give him it, don't you?

Can you move it to an account in your name?

Diverseopinions · 25/07/2021 20:26

Very, very unfair on you. And what if you need money? He is young and fit while you are getting older. This is not fair on you or DSD at all.

LtDansleg · 25/07/2021 20:26

Of course you shouldn’t give him his sisters money! He’s a cf for even asking!

Ozanj · 25/07/2021 20:27

@ScottyandWestie

I wonder if it is better to give it to DSD sooner knowing DSS would never ask her.
It’s better giving it to her as a fixed bond if she doesn’t want to spend it. So she can’t be convinced to break it. DSS sounds very selfish and manipulative.
Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:27

Yes I am worried husband will cave, mostly because he is in a bit of a rut due to job changes and lowering of his salary.
He wants to help them, I do not want to help them at the expense of DSD.

OP posts:
Blippibloppi · 25/07/2021 20:28

The cheeky fuckers. Tell them to save up themselves. I don't know anyone who managed to buy a house before 30, that's just how it goes these days.

Thelnebriati · 25/07/2021 20:28

My parents used to do this kind of thing, I'm no contact with them. If my partner did this I'd lose all respect for them and split.

1FootInTheRave · 25/07/2021 20:28

He is a cheeky, entitled cunt.

Bargebill19 · 25/07/2021 20:28

Wow.
If I’ve read this right - step son and girlfriend are made for each other. They need money and feel entitled to help themselves to others. They could get second jobs or sell stuff?
Whilst your step daughter should be penalised for already having leant the life lesson of needing to save money for a rainy day/big life purchases. Plus she should always kowtow to a weasel of a man/brother wants.

Just no. He needs to learn that no means no.
You don’t have it and his sister money is just that - his sisters.

Katedanielshasakitty · 25/07/2021 20:29

He wants to help them at his daughters expense?

I feel there's some sexisim attached here. Dss feels he in entitled to his sister money.

Your dh is considering it. Would he have ever considered keeping dss money to help dsd?

Ninkanink · 25/07/2021 20:29

He can help his son by setting him straight that it is ridiculous to expect to be able to buy an expensive new build as their first home.

They can buy a flat or a smaller house, like most people do.

Honestly. The entitlement!

IcedSpice · 25/07/2021 20:29

jesus fkn christ - don't you dare give him your DD/DSD money,

Neondisco · 25/07/2021 20:29

Don't give him money. It's fucking cheeky to pressure you if he knows you don't have it. But please please don't say we'll we didn't have any financial help. I don't know how old you are buy as a recent first time buyer I know my parents and their generation are unbelievably out of touch with tye cost of housing vs salaries and deposits needed. It will just get his back up hugely, which it does sound like he deserves, but to be kind just say no and leave it. The buying situation when you were his age was likely extremely different.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:30

Will have a talk with husband, I don't want to go behind his back. However I am wondering if I ask DSD if she would like the money moved to another savings plan she basically can't touch, but that would be awful for me to do to my husband. I'm really stuck.

OP posts:
FlorrieLindley · 25/07/2021 20:31

Can you refer to the earlier £5k in front of him and his girlfriend?

Katedanielshasakitty · 25/07/2021 20:31

@ScottyandWestie

Will have a talk with husband, I don't want to go behind his back. However I am wondering if I ask DSD if she would like the money moved to another savings plan she basically can't touch, but that would be awful for me to do to my husband. I'm really stuck.
Your husband is considering doing something awful to his own daughter.
grapewine · 25/07/2021 20:31

@Thelnebriati

My parents used to do this kind of thing, I'm no contact with them. If my partner did this I'd lose all respect for them and split.
This! Don't give him her birthday present. It would be patently unfair. It's not her fault her brother pissed money up the wall. She's would be punished for him being an entitled twat.
asprinklingofsugar · 25/07/2021 20:31

Personally I would mention the situation to DSD but make it very clear you have absolutely no intention of even entertaining the idea of giving him the money. And ask whether she would prefer you hung onto the money for her until after DSS has bought a house (with the knowledge she could ask for it at any point after her birthday), or whether she would like it on her birthday or before. She sounds like she has her head screwed on and she is nearly an adult so I think she’s old enough to make a sensible decision about this.

Even if you don’t think DSS will mention it to her these things have a way of coming out eventually and if you don’t bring it up now she may wonder why she wasn’t told at the time. Perhaps even think she wasn’t told because giving her money away had been considered. So I’d tell her the DSS and his girlfriend have asked for money to buy a house, and the 5k meant for her was specifically mentioned as something that could be given to them. But not to worry as they definitely won’t be getting it.

OldTinHat · 25/07/2021 20:32

He's had his and frittered it. Not your problem. Not your DSDs problem either. He'll just have to work more hours, get a second job and save like everyone else. Even if you did have it, you shouldn't give more to him. Your DSD deserves to have the same as him and good for her to already be planning to save it.

ImaginaryCat · 25/07/2021 20:33

I have absolutely no idea why you're feeling bad. House prices are not your fault. Him pissing away his 5k is not your fault. You did a nice thing for him. Now he's being a cheeky shit, and the girlfriend sounds awful too. How fucking dare they pile on a guilt trip when your DH is already struggling.
Don't feel guilty, feel angry, and channel that into telling them a few home truths.

Swipe left for the next trending thread