Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 25/07/2021 20:33

I can't believe your husband would even consider this. Don't get yourselves in a mess financially for this.

Roonilwazlib1 · 25/07/2021 20:33

Wow they've both got a brass neck havent they! I cant believe your husband would even entertain the idea

You're totally right to protect the money you've saved for DSD.

Out of interest is he expecting the £5k to be a gift from your or a loan? Not that it makes a difference as its cheeky any way you dress it up

Debetswell · 25/07/2021 20:34

He wants to help them, I do not want to help them at the expense of DSD.

Of course he does but you can only do so much .
It would be morally wrong to uses dsd's money as you're not sure you can save it for her again.

godmum56 · 25/07/2021 20:34

in the immortal words of MN

"no is a complete sentence."

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:34

My husband knows it's wrong but needs pushing to see how wrong it is.
I think poster saying DSD will wonder if it was considered, if it comes out is probably right.
I shall see if I can call her tomorrow. Things are a little tense right now.

OP posts:
tootingbeclido · 25/07/2021 20:34

No, no, no.

TheMarzipanDildo · 25/07/2021 20:34

Shock bloody hell!

girlmama32 · 25/07/2021 20:35

What an entitled CF.
I'd be making damn sure his gf knows about the 5k he's spent on himself when he could have saved it to put towards their deposit. I'd also be telling him he won't be getting another penny, he'll need to do what everyone else does and save up himself. I'd be mortified about straight up asking my parents for money towards a deposit when they'd already gifted me 5k!

Katedanielshasakitty · 25/07/2021 20:36

@ScottyandWestie

My husband knows it's wrong but needs pushing to see how wrong it is. I think poster saying DSD will wonder if it was considered, if it comes out is probably right. I shall see if I can call her tomorrow. Things are a little tense right now.
But, you think he will cave. So he doesn't really think its wrong.

You think he is going to make the decisiom without you and give it to dss. So make the decision first.

If he wouldn't do it without your agreement, there's no issue.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:36

@Roonilwazlib1 I just realised he never mentioned paying money back, so I am guessing he felt it would be a gift so in that sense we would have to save 10 k over the next few months to make it fair for DSD there is no way we can do that.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 25/07/2021 20:36

*It is disgusting that he thinks he is entitled to the money you are intending to give to his sister - money that he has already had.

His GF is a cheeky fucker for daring to come and speak to you about it, or to have an opinion. Tell her to get to fuck.

It's incredibly entitled to decide you'd like to buy a house and you'll go and tap someone else for your deposit, because you've got no savings. Particularly someone who has been forced to take a pay cut due to Covid.*

This ^^

MadeOfStarStuff · 25/07/2021 20:36

Nobody owes him a house deposit. Especially not DSD!

If they want to buy a house they’ll need to work for it and save for it themselves.

justthecat · 25/07/2021 20:37

To know he’s had his share and know you’re dh employment position ! Little scumbag

LublinToDublin · 25/07/2021 20:37

I'm totally gobsmacked that your dh would even consider for a moment using the money you have saved for dsd. dss would be up 10k and dsd has nothing.
Simply stik to the plan to give the money to dsd on her 21st. End of.

DroopyClematis · 25/07/2021 20:37

It is so sad to hear that your DSS doesn't even realise that you can't match his girlfriend's parents' contributions.
They should have an inkling that you're not in a position to help as much.
That your DSS threw his money from you away is his fault.

Canigooutyet · 25/07/2021 20:37

Tell his girlfriend to do one. Your household finances have fuck all to do with her. If she brings it up again I would tell her he has had his money and spunked it on crap.
Why should his sister help him out? At the moment she has no plans, but at 21 she might think about getting on the property ladder herse!f, buy a car or spend it on crap.

Do they realise that all these loans have to be mentioned?

Is his mum also being built tripped into helping them buy something that they clearly cannot afford?

scaredanddevastated · 25/07/2021 20:38

It would be a dreadful betrayal of DSD if her money was to go to this greedy little CF. Tell him no. And tell
The girlfriend to butt out.

breakfasty · 25/07/2021 20:38

@ScottyandWestie

Thanks, my first thought was flat no, but girlfriend of DSS was making him feel a bit useless that we do t have more cash to give and that he's taken a pay cut. The kids know about the pay cut and my husband has struggled mentally with wrapping some Of his self worth in his pay and so feels crap at the moment now anyway as we have had to make some changes lifestyle wise. I think he just wants DSS to be happy. DSD Is very easy going that's why I do not want a word of it mentioned to her as I think she might say yes.
Girlfriend of DSS needs to butt right out of your family's finance.
Christmasmcchristmasface · 25/07/2021 20:38

I presume DSS also has a DM has he similarly hit her up for money?? Has his gf also made her feel like shit.
I gave similarly aged children and no it’s tough fit them but you’ve already helped him - tough shit - if he’s old enough to take on a mortgage then he needs to be old enough to have the responsibility to save and fund his own lifestyle instead of running to daddy - I’m sure I’m not the only one who started in a crappy terraced star home and made our way up the ladder to the big house - why the hell should he jump in several rungs up on someone else’s buck - he needs to rise up and live in the real world not the Insta world

ilikeagoodsarnie · 25/07/2021 20:39

So, when I was younger in my early 20s I was awful with money and pretty much used my dad as a bank. Fast forward 10 years and his gf (who was with him back then) has informed me that my dad was absolutely strapped for cash himself and gave me every last penny.
I felt incredibly guilty for being a selfish bitch all those years ago. Obviously I'm not like that now, grown up abit and all that!

My dad rinsed himself dry because he felt guilty he walked out on my mum. I hate the fact that he felt that way because it wasn't his fault they didn't work.

Don't let your husband get in the same position. He knows how much he does for his son and daughter, if they don't recognise that now they will later and feel like such fools.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:39

I've texted DSD and asked if I can call her tomorrow. I've told my husband she needs to know what her brother is asking.
Husband feeing cross now as DSS didn't mention any repayments when asking for the money.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 25/07/2021 20:39

Imo do go behind dh's back. It seems appropriate someone treats the dc the same..
Dss is one cf..
My ds pissed 2k up the wall last year... I kept my word and let him go crawling to exh for his driving lessons..

huuskymam · 25/07/2021 20:40

Tell them to get a grip and work for their deposit like most people have to do. They're very entitled. If I were dsd I wouldn't be very impressed with him getting what's been saved for her. He was dumb enough to piss away what you've already given him.

RevolutionRadio · 25/07/2021 20:40

Did you not mention the 5k he'd already had when he asked you for more?

Definitely don't give him his sister's money too.

Palavah · 25/07/2021 20:40

@ScottyandWestie

Yes I am worried husband will cave, mostly because he is in a bit of a rut due to job changes and lowering of his salary. He wants to help them, I do not want to help them at the expense of DSD.
Move it.

I think he just wants DSS to be happy.

I can guarantee that £5k will never be enough. They will keep on at you. Say no now. And reassure your husband that the worth of a parent is not defined by taking money from one sibling to give to the other. Mid 20s DSS has time to save.

Swipe left for the next trending thread