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Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Katedanielshasakitty · 25/07/2021 20:15

And their father should not allow him to guilt his sister onto parting with her own money, so he can buy a house.

Thats disgusting behaviour, if he was to do that.

Comefromaway · 25/07/2021 20:15

Don’t do it.

Dh was “persuaded”/guilt tripped to lend money to his sister when she needed a new car. It was money he’d saved for uni. (His parents never gave him their contribution. It meant he really struggled to make ends meet through uni whilst his sister worked full time & lived at home rent free.

He’s never forgiven her or his parents.

Flavabobble · 25/07/2021 20:15

He can fuck off, he pissed his money up the wall, boo hoo.
Took the words right out of my mouth.

LemonRoses · 25/07/2021 20:15

He’ll appreciate it far more if he works and saves for himself. Good lesson in living with your means.
Don’t feel pressured.

Babynames2 · 25/07/2021 20:15

DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out

He’s a cheeky fucker, but his girlfriend! Don’t even know where to start with how out of order she is. She has no right to make you feel guilty at all, even if you hadn’t already given him £5k that he blew! They aren’t owed anything towards it.

Antwerpen · 25/07/2021 20:16

@ScottyandWestie

Yes the girlfriends father is giving them money and lending them money too. They have their eyes on an expensive new build.
Tell them to lower their expectations
Katedanielshasakitty · 25/07/2021 20:16

@ScottyandWestie

I need to get my husband to take a tough stance. I don't want him to even mention it to DSD.
You may need to. Because if you and your dh say no.

He may try and get it off her himself.

Di11y · 25/07/2021 20:16

Jesus wept! How selfish can someone be???!!! He's spent his own 5k and now wants to spend his sister's? Outrageous!

Namenic · 25/07/2021 20:16

Agree with OP. I don’t think you should ask DSD to give it up or delay receiving it. She may want to put it into a high interest fund or LISA to save for her own house. DSS should have saved his. He can get a better job, reduce expenses etc.

breakfasty · 25/07/2021 20:16

At mid twenties he has lots of time to save his own deposit

Donationwitheverypack · 25/07/2021 20:17

No way can you give him his sister's money.

I've kind of half got it in mind to try and release some equity to help my DC with their first purchases, but that will very much depend on what my life looks like at the time. Putting pressure on me would have me telling them both I don't think they're mature enough to be home owners.

Iloveacurry · 25/07/2021 20:17

What an entitled little s* your DSS is.

You cannot give him the money you’ve saved for DSD.

Ardnassa · 25/07/2021 20:18

They should buy somewhere within their means.

Aside from that, it is one thing if you have the money and if they hadn't splurged the previous amount you had given them.

You have to be fair to your DSD and DS. She would never forgive you or her brother otherwise. Have seen similar happen in other families - this kind of money issue does seem to rip relationships apart.

Notaroadrunner · 25/07/2021 20:18

Not a chance I'd give him a penny. I'd have no problem telling him he had his chance to save his 5k but chose to squander it. Your money for dsd has to be given to her as otherwise you'll end up causing a huge rift. I'd also tell dsd to be wary of him asking her for that 5k and to tell him to fuck right off if he does.

If his gf's parents can afford to give her money then good for her. It has nothing to do with your or Dh.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:18

Thanks, my first thought was flat no, but girlfriend of DSS was making him feel a bit useless that we do t have more cash to give and that he's taken a pay cut. The kids know about the pay cut and my husband has struggled mentally with wrapping some
Of his self worth in his pay and so feels crap at the moment now anyway as we have had to make some changes lifestyle wise. I think he just wants DSS to be happy. DSD Is very easy going that's why I do not want a word of it mentioned to her as I think she might say yes.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 25/07/2021 20:18

Is you husband actually going to ask his daughter to give away her 21st gift because his son already spent his?

Spinningaround21 · 25/07/2021 20:18

Nope that’s so cheeky, that’s his sisters money, he had his. Not your fault he wasn’t sensible with it. Money doesn’t grow on trees. He will have to save up like lots of us have with no handouts….

PollyBlue6 · 25/07/2021 20:20

You can't give him his sisters money, that means he's at £10k and she's had nothing.

Even if you could scrape another £5k, you'd need to give your DSS another £5k so its fair.

Katedanielshasakitty · 25/07/2021 20:20

If dsd birthday is before he buys this house, I would be inclined to look after it for her, if she isn't spending it on anything. Until, his house sale goes through.

Ginger1982 · 25/07/2021 20:20

No, no, no!!!

ArnoldBee · 25/07/2021 20:20

Does the gf know he's already spent his money?

mbosnz · 25/07/2021 20:20

He can jog the hell on. He had his, he spent it the way he wanted to, it's gone. His choices, his consequences. He doesn't get to bleed his father dry, or take his sister's money. And his fiancee can get her sticky little beak and paws right the hell out.

MrsMcTats · 25/07/2021 20:21

You absolutely should not give him any more money. He had 5k and wasted it - he needs to learn responsibility and accountability before becoming a homeowner. It's one thing if you'd offered to help, but it's incredibly entitled to come to you begging and wanting his sister's money. Hard work and sacrifice is how many people save for a home. Sounds like he's got a lot to learn.

Clymene · 25/07/2021 20:21

Don't you dare give him the money you've saved for her.

Have you mentioned the fact to girlfriend that DSS had £5k from you and frittered it away? I think you need to make that very clear.

She may want to reconsider her options

CassandraTrotter · 25/07/2021 20:22

Id be furious if my partner considered giving his daughter’s birthday present to her brother. Id be even more furious if he mentioned it to the daughter, as that clearly to put the pressure on her to make the decision. What sexist bullcrap. Make must get everythting he wants and female myst be kind?

Fuck no.

Id let my partner know in no uncertain terms how mad i was at this sexism. And if he allowed this to happen how it would change how i saw him.