Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 16 17 18 19 20 21

Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Lotusmonster · 05/08/2021 15:34

I don’t think the money demands would have stopped……there would have been the mortgage repayments, surveys, legal fees, moving costs, furniture, council tax, house insurance etc etc…..you’ve dodged a bullet.

QueenBee52 · 05/08/2021 15:38

@ScottyandWestie

Im so sorry to hear things have deteriorated ... 😩

Please tell me your DHusband has your back and is fully supporting you... I hope you are not carrying the can for this bollocks alone.. 🌺

York sounds like a wonderful break.. I hope you enjoying York and the break at your sisters .. 🌸

Dreadful state of affairs created abs caused by two selfish spoiled entitled brats that continue to blame you and refuse to accept that they are completely unreasonable ... 😡

Id use more colourful language to describe this pair of scrotes but would likely get a mumsnet bollocking 🤣

SixesAndEights · 05/08/2021 15:49

@ScottyandWestie

Sadly things have declined, I'm at my sisters and enjoying some time with my niece and nephew. I needed to be away for a couple of days as my DSS is blaming me for husband saying no and transferring money to DSD. I am meeting my husband tomorrow in York for a birthday weekend celebration for the two of us, as the get together we had planned cannot go ahead with DSS and DSD. Essentially DSS is furious we gave the money as quickly as we did to DSD, he knows he can't get his hands on it. He lives rent free currently as does his girlfriend, they have time to save but will have to adjust their spending habits. This has caused an incredible amount of friction in our family relationships. Despite my saving toward the plan as it was money from our joint incomes and husband and I earned pretty much the same pre pandemic, DSS feels it's nothing to do with me. I pointed out also to him that he hadn't expected to pay it back and knew we would not be able to raise 10K for DSD for her 21st in a matter of months. They cannot get the house they had their eye on, they blame us, specially me right now. To be honest I prefer it this way as they aren't going after DSD. I've come away to see my family as they live a few hours away and it's been lovely having my sister supporting me. I had a particularly rude text from DSS girlfriend asking if I was proud of myself for ruining this for them. I didn't reply, I forwarded it to my husband, my sister had so many great retorts but I'm too emotionally worn out to get involved. I don't plan to see DSS and his girlfriend anytime soon. They have behaved horrifically and I think they push each other on, as DSS has been selfish before but never this vicious.

They sound horrific! Best stay well clear.

Scottishskifun · 05/08/2021 16:21

Sorry to read your update OP!
Sounds like a bcase of easier to blame "the wicked step mother" then the reality of examining their own behaviour and level of entitlement!

Please don't take it to heart and keep doing what your doing of not engaging in their selfish rants!

billy1966 · 05/08/2021 16:35

Where is your husband in all this?

PurpleMustang · 05/08/2021 16:37

So sorry to read the update. I hope his Dad is bringing his son down a peg or 2. I would be inclined to say if you dont think I contributed and it was all your Dad fine, you now owe ME 2.5K of my wages back. Screw the pair of them. If they are not saving for anything what bill do they expect you to not pay to supplement them. Complete jokers

kidsatuniemptynester · 05/08/2021 16:43

frankly, if they cannot gather up £5k between them while living rent free they have no chance of surviving the reality of owning and running a house. £5K is surely only a couple of month's salary for two of them if they are qualifying for a mortgage.

justasking111 · 05/08/2021 18:30

I suspect the son has hooked up with what my Chinese friend calls a Princess, China has a real problem with entitled brats. They call sons like this little emperor's she says

Original poster

ScottyandWestie · 05/08/2021 19:09

To be fair to them they have saved about 10k between them over the last two years. However they need around 35k for the house they were after.
The 10k has really been saved due to pandemic, no transport and fuel costs as both working from home, no Ski Holiday, no beach holiday or city break like they usually would do. No going out, no big birthday trips. No friends do's hen nights, big birthdays etc.
They could be doing much more.

OP posts:

Scottishskifun · 05/08/2021 19:21

@ScottyandWestie

To be fair to them they have saved about 10k between them over the last two years. However they need around 35k for the house they were after. The 10k has really been saved due to pandemic, no transport and fuel costs as both working from home, no Ski Holiday, no beach holiday or city break like they usually would do. No going out, no big birthday trips. No friends do's hen nights, big birthdays etc. They could be doing much more.

😲 So they were expecting over 2/3 of their deposit to come from handouts?!

Bloody ridiculous! Bet they haven't even factored in fees to that either!

We had to very last minute up our deposit due to a last minute mortgage issue when we bought our house (Scotland once accepted on a property its very expensive to pull out) and family was able to assist but it wasn't expected and it was loans which we paid back!

They get more and more CF attitude!

onlychildhamster · 05/08/2021 19:49

@justasking111

I suspect the son has hooked up with what my Chinese friend calls a Princess, China has a real problem with entitled brats. They call sons like this little emperor's she says

As a Chinese person (albeit not from mainland china), I must say that based on what I know the little emperors are obliged to look after their parents and give an allowance to their parents once they start working! Yes the parents help out with the deposit but thats because they expect to live in it too and its virtually impossible to get a wife without an apartment due to the shortage of women (the property prices are far far crazier than London) and its the parents who are pushing for the son to get married too. Honestly, I would rather have OP's DSS set up- rent free at an uncle's home, money from the girlfriend's father (without a requirement to marry her) and no obligation to support aging parents. The little emperors might be very spoilt and they do get a lot of financial support that their western counterparts would dream of- but there is also an expectation that they would live with their aging parents and care for them. My grandparents helped finance my father's first property but they also stayed with him for the rest of their lives and were given a monthly allowance plus all bills were paid.

Before I moved to London, I was told that in the west, people are very independent and expect to live alone. I never realized that there were people who expected their parents to bankroll their 'independence'.

Triffiddealer · 05/08/2021 19:58

That's interesting Hamster - I wonder if that will continue with the single child generation - I mean would you have to have both sets of parents living with you? I somehow doubt OP's DSS and girlfriend are looking to build a granny annexe for them.

OP - how horrible. But you have 100% done the right thing - DSD would have been devastated if you'd given her money away. Children feel any disparities acutely. Enjoy time with your sister.

ivykaty44 · 05/08/2021 20:59

This is a blessing, if you had given money to dss and his girlfriend then they would have soon been back for more...

at lest this way they will have burnt their bridges with there attitude nd not be asking for money again any time soon

spitalfielding · 05/08/2021 21:21

@ScottyandWestie you must both be feeling bruised…

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 05/08/2021 21:29

Cheeky fucker. He can earn it like everyone else. As for DSD - don’t even put her in the equation.
The fact he pissed your gift into the wind is his own problem. A 5k gift is after you e paid taxes - it’s actually cost you about 10 k to earn. Giving him more money will not help him mature into a responsible adult.

QueenBee52 · 05/08/2021 23:21

So .... they need 35K and saved only 10K..

well that's nobody's fault but their own ..

keep saving 😏

kidsatuniemptynester · 06/08/2021 13:10

Well, if they only managed to save 10k between them over two years with no expenses, they are going to find home ownership challenging. They should have saved twice that.

JustLoveYourselfALittle · 06/08/2021 13:12

Sorry you've wasted tour 5k. It we haven't got anything else. Maybe save a bit longer for a house.

PurpleMustang · 06/08/2021 13:36

So they have saved 10K but only because they couldn't spend it. So living rent free with 2 wages they spent it all. They really so need their heads banging together. They need to finish furnishing it, have an emergency fund for the car or boiler, redundancy etc. They won't last long at this rate as saving is obviously not a priority and think that they will be able to carry on as they are and actually pay bills. Have they even guesstimated how much things will costs each month, done a budget? Sounds like it would be quickly repossessed at this rate, especially if they decide or they accidentally got pregnant. This does not sound like it is going to end pretty at all.

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 12:17

@ScottyandWestie

I hope your York break went well.. 🌸

Flip

1 2 ··· 16 17 18 19 20 21