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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
DeciduousPerennial · 25/07/2021 20:50

Bare faced cheek of the scrounging little gits.

I’m outraged on everyone’s behalf tbh.

Asking for someone else’s birthday present. Ffs.

Horehound · 25/07/2021 20:50

Don't bloody involve dsd. That's just putting pressure on her and she might feel guilty and hand money over.

And you clearly don't have money to give so that is the end of the conversation.
You don't owe them anything...they've had 5k already ffs

Tooshytoshine · 25/07/2021 20:50

He can get to fuck.

Shameless, both of them...

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:51

With the benefit of hindsight yes giving him that money at 21 wasn't the best idea but he is very selfish and tight with money and we didn't think he would splurge it. We had suggested moving it into another savings account. It's gone now so we can't do anything sadly.

OP posts:
CassandraTrotter · 25/07/2021 20:51

@ScottyandWestie

I've texted DSD and asked if I can call her tomorrow. I've told my husband she needs to know what her brother is asking. Husband feeing cross now as DSS didn't mention any repayments when asking for the money.
Why? Why are you putting it on her? Thats utterly selfish. You and your husband are the ones who tell the selfish man no. Why put the pressure on the daughter?
Jenasaurus · 25/07/2021 20:51

Bare in mind what you give DSS you should also give DSD so she should have 10k and not 5k

TooWicked · 25/07/2021 20:52

I would be looking at your spineless shit of a DH and the entitled shit of a son he raised, and wondering what I’d got myself into tbh.

Ibelieveinghosts · 25/07/2021 20:52

Well they can take their eyes of the expensive new build and settle for a little flat that they can do up.

Then once they have worked their way up the housing ladder and saved some they can go back to looking at that expensive new build.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 25/07/2021 20:53

Suggest dh offers him the shirt off his back...
Your dh may be /should be ashamed to admit he has spawned an entitled little fucker!!

CassandraTrotter · 25/07/2021 20:53

Apologies i missed the page where you said tge plan to phone her was to move it into an account the brother cannot get his grubby hands on

Jenasaurus · 25/07/2021 20:53

Part of buying a house is being responsible and saving for the deposit, I know some get help from their family, I helped my own DC but they will soom be paying a mortgage and household bills, if they have not been able to save anything for a deposit, I am not sure how they will manage with the financial side of running a house

viques · 25/07/2021 20:54

@ScottyandWestie

DSS has always been a selfish me me me kid who turned into the same as an adult and met a woman who is the same. They were not even a bit embarrassed to ask, came round and we were quite shocked. Left it as we didn't think it was a good idea and we would see how we are finance wise with our salaries to see what we might manage. Right now my answer is a big fat no and I as he hadnt mentioned repayment I think husband needs to speak to him about that anyway.
Your husband shouldn’t talk to him about repayment. The fact that they didn’t mention repayment means they are not expecting to repay. If your husband brings it up it they will just make up a story about how of course they will repay, but have no intention of doing so. You need to close the door firmly on any opportunity to wheedle the money out of you.
TeeBee · 25/07/2021 20:55

Wow what a cheeky fucker he is. You gave him £5k, he spunked it up a wall. Tough tits, it's all gone. He needs to learn a life lesson here. I would make them feel guilty about how bad your DH feels about having a pay cut and how their request will do him no good at all. The answer should be a resounding no!

Ellie56 · 25/07/2021 20:56

Tell him to put the £5k you've already given him towards the house.

gurglebelly · 25/07/2021 20:56

Please don't even let your DP mention it to DSD, it puts her in an impossible position - if she says no she'll be blamed for DSS not being able to get his house, so she'll be completely guilted into giving to him (and will probably never see it again)

Your DSS had his 'leg up' and chose to spend it on other things, now he either needs to save for a deposit or him and his GF need to manage their expectations on what they can afford to buy

DoTheNextRightThing · 25/07/2021 20:56

Would be completely unfair to even ask DSD if he can get some of her money. They both get 5k. He’s had this. DSD will get hers at 21. End of discussion.

Sisisimone · 25/07/2021 20:57

Why? Why are you putting it on her? Thats utterly selfish. You and your husband are the ones who tell the selfish man no. Why put the pressure on the daughter?
Exactly this. DSD might feel pressured to give him her money if you call and tell her what's happening. Your dss sounds a nasty little shit. I know it must have been a shock when he asked but I can't believe you entertained this for a second.

cauliflowerkorma · 25/07/2021 20:58

I think you and DH absolutely need to speak to DSD about this.

If they have the bare face cheek to ASK for money, then they will absolutely bypass you when you say no and go to DSD. Then come at you with the angle that she doesn't mind so its all cool.

She needs support to say no and needs to think it through. Hes had his and spent it and the consequence is unfortunate but his responsibility. What if her own circumstances change? She needs to understand you and DH cannot afford to replace the money if she lends it. And that there is no guarantee she will get it back. She needs to think how will they pay a huge new mortgage, and all their bills, pay back the girlfriends family for their lone and make monthly repayments back to DSD? Not lending the money may cause a small rift, lending it and not getting it back may also cause a small rift. Its a loose loose situation so she may as well protect her assets.

Continue to be firm.

Saoirse82 · 25/07/2021 20:58

The absolute neck of DSS and his GF! CFs both of them. Tell them to save their own money instead of scrounging off other people. No way can you allow the 5k for DSD to go to those brass necked cheeky fuckers!

MiniMaxi · 25/07/2021 20:58

No fucking way!

He’s had his £5k, the money you’ve saved for DSD is hers, and you’d be under no obligation to give more even if you had it.

breakfasty · 25/07/2021 20:59

They should just get a house they can afford or rent until they can afford one like so many other people do. They don't emotionally blackmail their way into taking their sister's money.

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 20:59

@ScottyandWestie

Why are you allowing DSS's Girlfriend to walk into your home .. and bully your already vulnerable Husband, into handing over your DSD's 21st Birthday gift of 5K that DSS already had and pissed against a wall...

WTAF am I reading.. why is this even being discussed in your home OP . Confused

breakfasty · 25/07/2021 20:59

And I'm shocked you and your partner are even considering this

Skysblue · 25/07/2021 20:59

Your DSS is a nasty, nasty little bully.

Yanbu.

BadNomad · 25/07/2021 21:00

It's DSD's money. If he wants to borrow it then he needs to ask her. Stepmum and dad don't have a spare 5k to give away. And definitely don't have another £10k to give to his sister to keep things fair. They just needs to do what the rest of the world does and keep saving until they can afford it themselves.

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