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Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/08/2021 10:32

If you contact them first, then you are simply teaching them that giving you the silent treatment works. For one thing I don't think you should approach them before your husband does, but I don't think he should approach them first, either. Those two have behaved so badly and they will definitely see it that they are stronger and you have crawled back if either you or your husband get in touch first.

JudgeJ · 05/08/2021 10:47

I was hoping that the OP was coming back to say that the step-son had seen the future and dumped the grabby girlfriend, based on her behaviour over the money, she'll never become less avaricious.

ivykaty44 · 05/08/2021 10:57

Oh dear dss girlfriend, it’s such a shame dss didn’t keep his £5000 to use for a house deposit

I’ll be kicking myself if that was me

No need to feel guilty over giving money and it being spent on other things

peoplewatching · 05/08/2021 11:29

I genuinely believe I value money a lot more than my friends who have received handouts. The issue is, is that it won't just stop at this 5k deposit, don't feel because the other parent is offering you have too, I see this happen a lot! He will just have to get a smaller home initially, or wait a little longer - I mean I'm 30 and still on saving for a deposit, what's the rush?!

onlychildhamster · 05/08/2021 11:49

I am 28 and bought my London flat with DH when I was 26. We lived with his mum for 3 years and while I know I was lucky to do so, it wasn't glamourous. His mum's house is in a very bad state of disrepair and we stayed in his sister's vacated room which had all her stuff in it. Half the time, we didn't have a wardrobe and lived out of suitcases. When we finally did get a wardrobe, it was tiny and most of our clothes were stored in an ikea storage box. When the time came to buy, we could never have afforded a new build so we bought a 1930s flat. And we had to transport all our belongings in a Uber as most of the savings went on the deposit.

I don't know how anyone in our generation on a normal income expects to buy anything in their 20s or even early 30s without some sacrifices. We were living rent free with family but we still had to walk everywhere, do packed lunches, have no car (we still don't have one as we want to save to upgrade to a 3 bed flat). I know properties outside london/SE are a lot cheaper, but if you are renting (which sounds like your DSS is) and pay bills (council tax is a massive cost relative to property value in cheaper areas), it is still a stretch to save a deposit unless you are earning very well. Tell your DSS and his GF that most of the people our age who buy property make huge sacrifices to do so. Yes even the people who get 'help' like free rent. I probably saved the equivalent of £36k by living with parents but that is still not enough for a deposit. Basically if your DSS wants his own property (and also pay all the extras he probably hasn't accounted for), he needs to revamp his lifestyle/earn more. Not rely on a £5k handout.

motherofcatsandbears · 05/08/2021 12:11

Warn DSD that he may try to tap her for the 5k - she might want to help her brother and set up an ‘official loan’ for them with scheduled repayments and interest but it needs to be watertight so she doesn’t lose any money.

justasking111 · 05/08/2021 12:23

@ScottyandWestie glad everything is sorted now for you all

Wiredforsound · 05/08/2021 12:28

Honestly, I would let them come to you - don’t try to make the peace. They need to know they were out of line and actually they need to know how angry and upset you are, otherwise they will continue to try to manipulate you. They must know that if they’re not talking to you there is zero chance of any money. If you’re friends there’s the possibility of some coming their way eventually.

Silene · 05/08/2021 12:29

What would happen if DSS and girlfriend split? Money would be halved? very wrong for them to demand sister’s cash or pressurise father.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/08/2021 12:38

It would be very unfair to put you SD in that position and it's very cheeky of SS and his g/f to even ask that

kidsatuniemptynester · 05/08/2021 13:28

Glad you have got it sorted out fairly, your DSS's girlfriend has no business in your family finances. Brace yourself for when the grandchildren arrive, they will be used as emotional blackmail.

Ariela · 05/08/2021 14:03

There are masses of jobs in hospitality at the moment. Suggest both of them do Fri Sat Sun shifts to raise the £5K. I saved for my house by working 6.15am-7.15am in a pub ;cleaning job. 8am - 4pm in a day time job, and 5pm -11pm in a pub job Monday-Friday, Saturday and Sunday I did an extra shift in the pub and I also did a night club job next door11-1am Fri & Sat on a lot more pay than the regular staff (owner of night club kept coming into the pub trying to poach me for the night club, so negotiated) . Soon saved a massive deposit.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 05/08/2021 14:09

Sadly things have declined, I'm at my sisters and enjoying some time with my niece and nephew.
I needed to be away for a couple of days as my DSS is blaming me for husband saying no and transferring money to DSD.
I am meeting my husband tomorrow in York for a birthday weekend celebration for the two of us, as the get together we had planned cannot go ahead with DSS and DSD.
Essentially DSS is furious we gave the money as quickly as we did to DSD, he knows he can't get his hands on it.
He lives rent free currently as does his girlfriend, they have time to save but will have to adjust their spending habits.
This has caused an incredible amount of friction in our family relationships. Despite my saving toward the plan as it was money from our joint incomes and husband and I earned pretty much the same pre pandemic, DSS feels it's nothing to do with me. I pointed out also to him that he hadn't expected to pay it back and knew we would not be able to raise 10K for DSD for her 21st in a matter of months.
They cannot get the house they had their eye on, they blame us, specially me right now. To be honest I prefer it this way as they aren't going after DSD. I've come away to see my family as they live a few hours away and it's been lovely having my sister supporting me.
I had a particularly rude text from DSS girlfriend asking if I was proud of myself for ruining this for them. I didn't reply, I forwarded it to my husband, my sister had so many great retorts but I'm too emotionally worn out to get involved.
I don't plan to see DSS and his girlfriend anytime soon. They have behaved horrifically and I think they push each other on, as DSS has been selfish before but never this vicious.

OP posts:
onlychildhamster · 05/08/2021 14:20

@ScottyandWestie I am sorry to hear this, take care and hope you have a lovely time in York.

I rarely say this, but going NC for now is probably for the best. DSS girlfriend really sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I still can't understand how he can live in your house rent free and still expect money. I always thought it was either/or- never occurred to me people would expect both!

Lotusmonster · 05/08/2021 14:30

Jeez. Sorry you’re going through this OP. Their level of entitlement is just astounding! It must be so very disappointing for you to see them behave this way. He did not value the hard earned money that you generously did put his way, he frittered it. And tbh, if you had given them more god know where that would have ended up really…..would it really have been the end of the story and begging? I doubt it! You’re well out of it.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 05/08/2021 14:35

He lives part time with his girlfriend rent free she lives with her parents rent free but then "house sits" rent free for my brother in law as he works away for six to eight weeks at a time. He has to cover his food and electric only when house sitting. They have a good set up and the ability to save well. They just want it handed to them.
I have friends with similar issues when it comes to house deposits, it's like some kids see it as a given. I understand house prices are shocking, however we cannot give what we do not have and right now after this behavior I do not want to give anything even if I could.

OP posts:
Datsandcogs · 05/08/2021 14:36

Despite the hatred from DSS and especially his GF you have done the right thing. I think some time and space to heal is needed. Please block the GF, her housing is not your responsibility and her attitude towards you is appalling. I hope in time you can rebuild some relationship with DSS.

memberofthewedding · 05/08/2021 14:44

I have CF relatives too. My relationship with my sister has always been poor owing to her being the golden princess and me the black sheep when we were kids. My parents would give her £1000 towards a car (not for any special reason) and send me £10 for my birthday!

When I began selling antiques online my sister referred to me as a "tat seller" until I showed her the balance in my Paypal account. A few weeks later she asked me for a loan.

I had the greatest pleasure in telling her that its not my policy to loan money to friends and relatives.

If you have already gifted money money to one child (which they have spent unwisely) it would be unfair to also give them the equal sum of money you had set aside for your other child.

Muma1992 · 05/08/2021 14:44

How horribly entitled is DSS. If they want something, they should save up and pay for it themselves like other people do in the real world.
He needs telling to grow up, tbh.

Pemba · 05/08/2021 14:47

But how can your SS possibly think he was being fair to his sister to take her 21st gift? How do they justify that in their minds I wonder?

TheFirstMrsDV · 05/08/2021 15:06

I wouldn't have believed this a while ago but then I met the family of a friend and they all behave like this.
The sister starts phone family a motnth before her birthday demanding to know how much money she will be getting from them. She is an adult. She doesn't care what is going on with family, they can be on their death bed and she still thinks she is entitled. If she doesn't think its enough, she will say so.
The family behave a like its normal and worry about having enough to give her.

She isn't the only one who does it.

I can't get my head round the level of entitlement and how everyone colludes with it.

onlychildhamster · 05/08/2021 15:13

@Pemba Probably thinks that he needs it more than her or some other crap like that. I do wonder if this is becoming common amongst people of my age group ( and I am just naive). It might explain why 25% of FTB have actual cash from parents for their deposits. Maybe it isn't that Gen X have lots of spare cash but there is immense pressure on them to do so. This actually makes it much harder for FTB who don;t have parent with the cash or are unable to pressure their parents.

BlueMongoose · 05/08/2021 15:14

@Comefromaway

The reason he didn’t mention repayments is because he knows you can’t borrow a deposit. Well you can, but if you do the bank reduces the amount they will lend you. You would have had to sign a gifted deposit declaration stating that the money was a gift and you wp had no right to repayment or any stake in the house.
This^
Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 05/08/2021 15:26

I don't think they get as far as justifying anything, it's blinkers on while they focus on what they want and how to get get it as quickly as possible.

OP posts:
spitalfielding · 05/08/2021 15:30

If my parents gave my brother £5k they’d saved for me in these circumstances I’d find it hard to forgive them. She will never see that money!

Don’t be bullied by these people. They aren’t treating you like Family - they’re using you and your DSD as a free cash machine. They don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.

Don’t be bullied