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Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
LalalalalalaLand123 · 26/07/2021 12:58

SORRY I meant DSS is the twat argh

FatJan · 26/07/2021 13:09

Can't believe the attitudes of both DSS and his girlfriend.

DSS clearly doesn't realise how lucky he is to have received £5K at all. The entitlement that he should get more, even if that means his sister going without is unbelievable.

The girlfriend crying down the phone to her boyfriend's parents because she wants a more expensive house than she can afford is a whole other level.

They sound like a pair of entitled, bratty children. By the sounds of it (e.g. all the new furniture) they fully intend to live outside of their means and be supported by their mummies and daddies if they get into financial trouble (which they will, because they're already trying to buy a house they can't afford because they 'love itttt waaaaah').

Careful OP, this won't be the end of asking you for money.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/07/2021 13:18

If the GF was ‘crying and laying it on thick’ in order to get you to give in, then TBH she sounds like a thoroughly spoilt, selfish nightmare, who’s been in the habit of doing this to get what she wants. And presumably has parents who’ve allowed it.

I do see that DSS’s attitude is equally appalling at the moment, but it sounds to me as if he’s going to have to learn the hard way some time down the line, that he should have run a mile in 2021.

MeridianB · 26/07/2021 13:21

Just RTFT and wanted to say well done for standing firm. You sound like a great step mum.

This sent my blood pressure soaring and only all the swearing from other posters made me feel better 🤬

Im afraid I agree with others that this won’t be the last time DSS does this. He clearly can’t see anything wrong with the way he’s demanded cash and has reacted really poorly to being told no. It’s incredible.

Noterook · 26/07/2021 13:23

DSS asked for money, your husband should have said, nope, nothing in the pot. Move onto next topic. Instead DSD gets told and it unfolds like a nasty soap opera. This could so easily have been avoided.

Did you miss the part where the step son spoke to his sister? And if someone is brazen enough do you really thinking saying sorry no means they just drop it? Bless.

MeridianB · 26/07/2021 13:25

Oh and if they ever raise it again please do ask DSS what he did with his £5K gift (just a couple of years back) in front of GF.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 26/07/2021 13:26

Well done for standing up to him!

When I was in a similar situation my mother told me to 'lend' my sister money my uncle had given me. I eventually agreed, but with interest, on the basis that why should I lose out whilst my sister gains????? That was not acceptable, apparently, so I held on to the money.

My DP thinks I shouldn't have asked for interest but I still hold to that. It was the sense of entitlement that she had, that I wasn't entitled to the money but she was. He'd not given her money at the same time (circumstances were different and she hadn't needed it then) but he had put a substantial amount towards her wedding, since she wanted it all but couldn't afford it, and our mum was seriously considering remortgaging the house to cover it.

Is your DSS jealous of his sister generally?

Noshowlomo · 26/07/2021 13:26

I used to be a bit of an entitled knob, and my parents were generous but the older I got the more I realised I was being a knob and I wouldn't dream of asking for anything like that now. Even if my mother buys me something small from a shop I transfer her the money straight away, even if she doesn't want me to. Its not up to retired pensioners to fund me in any way!!
DSS and his GF are about to have serious life lesson number one. Hopefully it will help them grow as people...

KnightandDay · 26/07/2021 13:29

I'm glad you, DH and DSD are all on the same page re her 5k. I hope this is the end of it, but suspect DSS will try guilt trip you now.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 26/07/2021 13:29

My brother, his exGF and current DW are just like this. Emotionally blackmailing everyone in the family to give them money for things after they spend all their own money on themselves. We all wised up a long time ago except my mum, who knows she shouldn't but continues to give him money. He's still asking and getting, and he's almost 50, it will never end.

12Day0fReturnImagine · 26/07/2021 13:46

It is very easy to spend relatively small amounts of money on "towels, pillows & xmas decorations"

It takes a considerable time & effort to save up for a deposit, especially when saving interest rates are poor

DGFB · 26/07/2021 13:56

Say no. He got 5K and his sister gets the same. End of

sunshineandlollypops · 26/07/2021 14:15

I think it is unanimous. DSS is behaving like an entitled twat and the GF is very much like Veruca Salt.... I want it now!!!!

butterpuffed · 26/07/2021 14:17

I can't get over the sheer cheek of your DSS's girlfriend thinking she has the right to get involved . Both as bad as each other.

mam0918 · 26/07/2021 14:21

I cant imagine haveing the brass balls to do this.

I have saved for 15 years to have a house deposit, my parents have offered to help many times but I feel bad about the thought of taking their money when they are practically begging me too (they want me on the property ladder'for some reason) but I would never EXPECT them to help or demand it.

How entitled are kids now, its just shocking and shameless.

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 14:23

DSS and GF will be moping around in despair wondering who else they can strong arm 😳

Nocutenamesleft · 26/07/2021 14:31

No way

That’s horrific that he’s even asked

We had zero help for housing. My parents gave me nothing. My in laws gave us nothing. We had to save whatever 5% was through damn hard work!

He needs to stop stealing money from his siblings. It’s her money.

You physically can’t help. It happens often. Tough shit on him.

Furrydogmum · 26/07/2021 14:38

Tell dsd to put 4k into the life time Isa this year and put the other 1k to one side - maybe add to it if she can, then put in the Isa next April then she'll get the most out of the gov top ups. We topped our son's up in March then again in April so he got 2 x 1k bonuses very quickly!

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/07/2021 14:48

She was crying yesterday and really laying it on thick

How embarrassing, what a brat 😳

Sounds like the pair of them are a match made in heaven. Absolutely vile.

So glad you're putting it in a Lisa for dsd so they have no chance of getting their grabby little hooks on it.

JudgeJ · 26/07/2021 14:54

@ScottyandWestie

I've texted DSD and asked if I can call her tomorrow. I've told my husband she needs to know what her brother is asking. Husband feeing cross now as DSS didn't mention any repayments when asking for the money.
With such a grabby girlfriend I doubt that there would ever be any repayment, they're after another handout, not a loan.
Sparklfairy · 26/07/2021 14:59

When I was in a similar situation my mother told me to 'lend' my sister money my uncle had given me. I eventually agreed, but with interest, on the basis that why should I lose out whilst my sister gains????? That was not acceptable, apparently, so I held on to the money.

Slightly similar situation here too but my 'D'B was a sneaky bastard in the end. Lent him a substantial amount of money, with interest, and an actual written agreement. He paid religiously every month, all good.

... Right up until he'd paid off the amount of the loan, but not the interest. Then he stopped paying and went NC. Cheeky fucker.

Rainbunny · 26/07/2021 15:05

I would also add that while this is a very stressful experience for your DH while his son is laying on the guilt, this is a very important moment in his relationship with his son.

Saying no now will make saying no in the future easier and hopefully help his son realise that he can't go begging to his father year in year out. The first "no" is the hardest!

I said in my previous post that I think your DSS and his girlfriend really need some financial education. It sounds like it's very easy for them to spend money but they need to respect how hard and how slow it is to build up financial savings.

PrincessNutella · 26/07/2021 15:13

There's nothing wrong with giving kids a present at 21.
It's up to them how they spend it.
They don't get a do-over.
Honestly, it's not that much money when it comes to home owning.
If it is going to make the difference between whether or not they can afford a house, they definitely can NOT afford the house. Because you can buy a house and then find out it needs a new roof or the waterpipes break or some other crazy things happen and suddenly you need to spend fifty thousand or a hundred thousand you weren't expecting.

JudgeJ · 26/07/2021 15:17

@Mummyratbag

Bloody hell- how dare the GF make your DH feel guilt for taking a pay cut - who the hell does she think she is? Seriously can't get my head round that.

So they are buying a house they can't afford, with money from other people - what motivation have they got not to walk away and have the house reposessed when the bills get too much?

If they do manage to buy this house by some means she sounds to be the sort of woman who will be throwing him out fairly soon on some pretext and claiming his perpetual support, especially if there are children by then.
HollowTalk · 26/07/2021 15:18

@TinkerPony

Oh my Shock why all their stuff stored at your place tell them to take them away into proper storage unit or if they renting their place. This is the time to ask them to move their as they be sulking at ye for days/weeks who knows Hmm It ridiculous taking over your spare room and attic.
But that's just being spiteful. He's her SS and her partner's son. Who on earth would expect their son to put things into storage if there's space in their home?