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Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 26/07/2021 15:20

@Horehound

DSS has behaved terribly and told husband they will lose their dream house

Well it's their own fault for looking at a house they cannot afford! It's not to do with anybody else at all.
It's all their own doing because they are selfish and greedy.

They can't lose what they don't have, it's not their's to lose.
ifIwerenotanandroid · 26/07/2021 15:33

@Xmassprout

Keep reiterating that he had 5k that he could have used. There is no more money.

Your step daughters money shouldn't even come into consideration, regardless of her plans

100% agree.
VickyEadieofThigh · 26/07/2021 15:40

@Bythemillpond

I don't think they will have much money once moved in as it will be a big mortgage and they like to spend on gym membership, going out, restaurants, travel when allowed and hobbies. So I to tell them straight that we are in no position to be relied upon financially

Sounds like they would have expected other people to pay their mortgage as well.

Just told my OH this and she said "Give them the £5K and they'll be back when they can't pay the mortgage, pleading and emotionally blackmailing that they're going to "lose the house if you don't help us". Thin end of a very long wedge.

If they're planning on marrying - are they also expecting a lot of help paying for the "dream wedding", too?

ifIwerenotanandroid · 26/07/2021 15:49

OP, please tell your husband that you & he have done a great & loving thing already, in setting aside £10,000 to be split between the children. That's no mean feat, especially in times like these. And it's more than many parents do or can do.

If his birthday dinner this year is just the two of you, or with just his daughter as well, the sky won't fall in.

AliceMcK · 26/07/2021 16:06

[quote ScottyandWestie]@BarbaraofSeville You are right, absolutely nothing will be second hand. Our loft and spare room are full of things they have bought for the house that we said they could store here. Think practical things like towels, kitchen pans and pillows and then also non essentials like a Christmas tree and outdoor Christmas light up snowmen that were in the sale in January and the girlfriend had to have. I laugh about it usually as it's funny to me that they are so excited to get the stuff and it's organised, however pointing out their tastes may change etc has fallen on deaf ears entirely. [/quote]
I think it’s very common these days, lots of young adults feeling entitled to have everything handed to them and their first home to be absolutely out of a magazine perfect. No making do and building it up as you go along. We had a similar situation in my extended family a few years ago, expecting hand outs, asking for more money, relatives to do work for free. They were even living with other family members for free because they refused to move in until every last detail of the house was picture perfect. They’d already been given £20k by an elderly relative, but actually asked for more. They seemed to think that they could go though life enjoy several overseas holidays a year, designer clothes and constantly eating and going out, running up credit cards not saving a penny themselves and expect everyone else to give them their dream home. It was a real eye opener for some due to the sheer greed of it all and caused a lot of trouble when they were called out on it.

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 26/07/2021 16:39

@AliceMcK absolutely right.

There’s a huge culture on Instagram amongst some 20 somethings at the moment to do with buying new builds or renovations and turning them into your dream home. You only have to search one of the hashtags of the big builders to find endless pages of identical grey or beige new build photos run from specific “home” accounts. They’re full of shopaholic, over-influenced people who seem to spend money like it’s water.

Emmelina · 26/07/2021 17:03

I’d be really surprised if they could get a mortgage for the rest to be honest, they don’t seem that sensible with money!

OhGiveUp · 26/07/2021 17:05

So your DSS ends up with 10k and his sister ends up with zero?
Not in my house.
Imagine how you would feel if your parents gave your sibling 10k and you nothing....even worse, you should have had 5k of it but got nothing!!
Tell him no, no and thrice no and if his g.f doesn't like it, she can shove off.
Your family finances are absolutely bugger all to do with her anyway.

jerometheturnipking · 26/07/2021 17:08

Jesus. I'm torn between thinking that DSS and the GF deserve each other, and them setting up home together has got "Will end in tears" written all over it.

Doris86 · 26/07/2021 17:21

@GetTaeFuck

He can fuck off, he pissed his money up the wall, boo hoo.
Perfectly summed up in the first response. Nothing more needs to be said.
Panickingpavlova · 26/07/2021 17:22

I agree re storing stuff what on earth is wrong with that!

Re the wanting the dream home, well I'm afraid that comes up further town the line when you can afford it or you make do with what you have.

They sound terribly young and carried away, it's almost like someone else is fueling this? Someone with pie in the sky ideas not based in reality.

Panickingpavlova · 26/07/2021 17:23

Also v good idea for that 5 grand to go into a Lisa assume it's a stocks and shares one to make it grow.

SeaShoreGalore · 26/07/2021 17:32

I am so irritated by his entitlement!

Dontwatchfootball · 26/07/2021 18:18

FFS - he wants his sisters money? Is he always an entitled twat? Do not put her in this position, it should not even be entertained as an idea.

cricketmum84 · 26/07/2021 18:21

Cheeky little fucker. Please don't give him anything else!

Dontwatchfootball · 26/07/2021 18:26

PS. I bought my first house in my 40s, about to move into what i hope will be my dream house 10 years later. It takes a long time and you have to buy what you can afford. They sound a truly horrible couple, and best kept at arms length. So sorry for the rest of you.

Elliebelli · 26/07/2021 18:28

He’s got some nerve, the entitled CF. He was lucky he got the initial 5k due to your generosity. My step kids wouldn’t dare ask a penny off me. Neither would I have have dared ask my parents for financial help like that.
He’s an adult, and time to it stand on his own feet; if he wants to buy a property then he’d better get out there and work his arse off like the rest of us.
He was privileged to have previously been gifted 5k but chose to spend it all, well that’s his problem.

Don’t feel guilty at all. He’s got some nerve/ balls to come back to you asking for more money.

Sunshinedrops85 · 26/07/2021 18:58

Just keep saying no.

If you give them an inch they will take a mile. My uncle was given £100k, had his mortgage paid for 13 years, then given an additional £70k but it's still not enough and he went crying to my grandmother who let his entire family move in with him whilst the house they bought him is being rented out....

EmeraldShamrock · 26/07/2021 19:05

He is a cheeky entitled young man, let him take on an evening cleaning job it will bump their finances by 300 a month.

HavelockVetinari · 26/07/2021 19:45

@Dontwatchfootball

PS. I bought my first house in my 40s, about to move into what i hope will be my dream house 10 years later. It takes a long time and you have to buy what you can afford. They sound a truly horrible couple, and best kept at arms length. So sorry for the rest of you.
Ah that's so nice to read - congratulations! SmileBrew
GrandmaSteglitszch · 26/07/2021 20:01

It's such a shame that your gift for DSD's 21st has to be given to her in these circumstances.

Your SS is horrible.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2021 12:27

[quote ScottyandWestie]@BarbaraofSeville You are right, absolutely nothing will be second hand. Our loft and spare room are full of things they have bought for the house that we said they could store here. Think practical things like towels, kitchen pans and pillows and then also non essentials like a Christmas tree and outdoor Christmas light up snowmen that were in the sale in January and the girlfriend had to have. I laugh about it usually as it's funny to me that they are so excited to get the stuff and it's organised, however pointing out their tastes may change etc has fallen on deaf ears entirely. [/quote]
This annoys me, actually - when one doesn't have easy money for house deposits and repayments, what one should do is to focus on saving money for the bricks and mortar FIRST, not frittering it away on stuff to go in said bricks and mortar.

I remember my first house - most of the furniture in it was secondhand family furniture. My crockery was old family stuff. Even some of my cookware was old family stuff (I did buy some new). Linens, even - first sets were borrowed from my mum! (I did give them back when I got my own). My washing machine, even! Grandparents' old one (still worked).

Your stepson and his GF have their priorities all backwards, and are CFs for expecting your DH to then stump up more readies for what should have been their primary savings goal.

BloodyMaryplease · 27/07/2021 12:48

What an absolute cheeky fucker, who the fuck does he think he is trying to nick his sister’s money. So annoyed by this, what an utter douchebag. Gf no better.

Glad you got it resolved and you all stood your ground.

Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 27/07/2021 13:02

Just an update, Lisa is set up, other £1000 is in no touch savings till we can add to the Lisa in April. I'm sad it had to be this way and despite DSD knowing the money was coming, it's been ruined by the whole situation, it wasn't special, it was a task to be completed.
We've promised DSD a weekend away for her 21st to a place she loves in Italy. It doesn't make up for it but enough time will have passed that it won't feel as sour as today did.
DSS & girlfriend haven't been in touch at all. I will probably make first move end of the week as I can't bare an atmosphere at the best of times. Husband doesn't want to talk to him yet he's still getting his head round the manipulation.
We are it's fair to say once bitten twice shy. It's going to take a while for us to get over. It's not about the money it's the manipulation.
Thank you all for your comments and words of advice.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 27/07/2021 13:05

@ScottyandWestie

good luck to you guys... you did the right thing.. you know you did.. DSD will enjoy Italy 🌸💕