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Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 27/07/2021 13:06

In reference to an earlier post you can ring fence whatever you want legally from a prtner as long as they agree to sign somethnig in agreement

my dsis has signed to say shesnot entitled to the depost that his partners family gave towards the house if they split up

Notaroadrunner · 27/07/2021 13:36

DSS & girlfriend haven't been in touch at all. I will probably make first move end of the week as I can't bare an atmosphere at the best of times. Husband doesn't want to talk to him yet he's still getting his head round the manipulation

In that case I don't think you should make the first move. Leave it up to your Dh to decide when contact should be made. Then let him decide if he should make first contact or wait for dss to do so.

justasking111 · 27/07/2021 13:51

@Notaroadrunner

DSS & girlfriend haven't been in touch at all. I will probably make first move end of the week as I can't bare an atmosphere at the best of times. Husband doesn't want to talk to him yet he's still getting his head round the manipulation

In that case I don't think you should make the first move. Leave it up to your Dh to decide when contact should be made. Then let him decide if he should make first contact or wait for dss to do so.

As the stepmother DO NOT undermine your husband by making the first move
Scottishskifun · 27/07/2021 13:52

Give your DH a bit more time. Completely get not wanting an atmosphere for his birthday but don't rush it too much maybe beginning of next week if neither have budged!

billy1966 · 27/07/2021 14:06

OP,
Completely agree with @justasking111,....

leave the first move to your husband, stay well and truly out of it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2021 15:15

I also agree that you should NOT be getting in touch with the greedy bastards - it's your DH's decision to make.

Stuff the "atmosphere" - if you get in touch, they'll just think you're a soft touch and they can wheedle you around because you "can't bear an atmosphere". No! Stand firm and wait for them to come to you/your DH, and bloody well apologise for being such brass-necked grasping twats!

simonisnotme · 27/07/2021 15:24

Stay out of it, let your DH be the one to contact them if he wants to and see them on his terms

Gazelda · 27/07/2021 15:47

OP, how sad that a generous gift to both SC has turned so sour.
But, they are lucky to have you as a SM, and your DH is lucky too. You sound fair, reasonable, loving and generous.

I hope this blows over and that in time DSS and his GF look back on this episode with embarrassment.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 27/07/2021 15:48

Don't make the first move!
Leave it to DH to deal with his own son.

Howshouldibehave · 27/07/2021 16:00

As the stepmother DO NOT undermine your husband by making the first move

This!!!

cstaff · 27/07/2021 16:37

I agree with other posters OP - let them or your DH make the first move. Preferably them tbh because they caused all this mess but after reading your updates I am sure that they don't think they did anything wrong. What an entitled shower....

ClareBlue · 27/07/2021 16:51

Even if I had it, he wouldn't be getting off me with that attitude. And definitely do not even think about giving his sister's money to him.

AlCalavicci · 27/07/2021 17:04

I am glad thus has been sorted out even if it's not really the wayyou dsd and DH it yo happen .
I am sure the trip to Italy will be lovely ( watch out for brass neck of the year trying to join you though! )

I agree with PP that it should be Dss that makes first contact with a groveling apology, if that doent happen the DH should make the first move as he may want to go LC now .
But most importantly you DH & DSD need to keep a united front.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/07/2021 18:16

@Howshouldibehave

As the stepmother DO NOT undermine your husband by making the first move

This!!!

Agree with this - and I'm so glad that you are going to still make your DSD's birthday special with a trip to Italy.

As you say - it is the deceit, manipulation and emotional blackmail which is so hard to stomach. The entitlement is staggering.

Hope your DH has a lovely birthday - whether his son is part of the celebrations ornate.

fargo123 · 27/07/2021 23:26

I'm gobsmacked at the utter GALL of the gf to think she has any say whatsoever in your family's finances! The DSS is obviously a complete snot, so it sounds like they're perfect for each other.

I know it's all been sorted now (though don't be surprised if the DSS and gf continue to be utter shits about it), but if I was the DSD and the money HAD been given to my sibling, I'd cut my parents off for the blatant favouritsm.

QueenBee52 · 05/08/2021 03:55

@ScottyandWestie

Just checking in to ask if you are okay 🌸

IrisAtwood · 05/08/2021 08:04

@MadMadMadamMim

It is disgusting that he thinks he is entitled to the money you are intending to give to his sister - money that he has already had.

His GF is a cheeky fucker for daring to come and speak to you about it, or to have an opinion. Tell her to get to fuck.

It's incredibly entitled to decide you'd like to buy a house and you'll go and tap someone else for your deposit, because you've got no savings. Particularly someone who has been forced to take a pay cut due to Covid.

I agree.
PurpleNebula84 · 05/08/2021 08:42

Absolutely not! He had 5k and spent it - his sister is entitled to hers. It's tough! If he had thought long term, he should have saved it or invested it. You've already given him what you can. It's not nice to see your children struggle, but he also a grown up now and needs to realise he is responsible for himself.
Do not give him your DSD money. If he wants to approach her to arrange to borrow some, that's a different kettle of fish and up to your DSD.

FatCatThinCat · 05/08/2021 09:06

You have absolutely done the right thing. My closest friend's mum did this to her. 'Lent' her brother her share of the inheritance following their dad's death so he could buy a house. Except in this case it was almost £80k. Friend never saw a penny of her inheritance and fallout tore the family apart. She's in her 50s now and still has no contact with her brother or her mother.

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 05/08/2021 09:49

We didn’t buy our first home until we were 31 - too busy saving. Tell them to start saving!

WeatherwaxOn · 05/08/2021 09:50

You can't give what you don't have, and it should never be expected that parents MUST help their children with house purchases. My parents were never in a position to contribute to any deposits needed, they simply didn't earn enough to have anything not than around a £100 'buffer' for emergencies.
In this case DSS has wasted his money. His problem, not yours.

8misskitty8 · 05/08/2021 10:10

Watch out for them claiming the girlfriend is pregnant so they need to buy a massive house.

Bjarnum · 05/08/2021 10:15

They will have to get in touch when they want the stuff you are storing for them .... In the mean time you could share a link to this thread!

BlueMongoose · 05/08/2021 10:21

@ScottyandWestie

Yes the girlfriends father is giving them money and lending them money too. They have their eyes on an expensive new build.
Then they need to lower their expectations. New builds are a poor investment anyway, as you get less space and land for your money.
Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 10:23

DSS & girlfriend haven't been in touch at all. I will probably make first move end of the week as I can't bare an atmosphere at the best of times

What was the outcome of this-did you speak to them last week?

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