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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my house guest is rather rude?

359 replies

dizzyrabbit · 25/07/2021 09:47

We went for a pub lunch yesterday which I ended up paying for. The bill came and he didn’t even bother to look at it. I paid it with my card expecting him to give me some cash towards it but nothing. Then we ordered a takeaway for dinner which we also ended up paying for. He didn’t even offer to contribute. He’s came a long way to visit but I can’t help but feel like it’s taking the mick. I want to say something but don’t know what. I’m too nice for my own good. Vent over.

OP posts:
rubbletrouble · 25/07/2021 23:13

Im not sure why you would have someone stay at your house that you can't have a very run of the mill conversation with.

It's more awkward holding a weird grudge because he didn't offer to pay for a meal, you would have been happy to pay for, had he offered to pay for, than just saying, "if we are nipping the cinema are you getting the tickets in ?" Done

He may be skint after paying to travel but embarrassed to just come out with it, unless you talk to him you will never know, if he's a friend, just chat to him.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 25/07/2021 23:22

OP use Splitwise app
All the kids are using it these days, then log what he owes you on it (he has to put it in his phone too- tell him to )

Or tell him he can pay for cinema tickets and dinner out as you paid for pub lunch and takeaway snd he hasn't paid his share of it yet

It's only as awkward as you make it

You're hardly talking about the Queens knickers, you're talking about a friend who is visiting and staying in your home, who seems to expect you will pay for all his meals out as well. Nip that in the bud straight away - you owe me x amount, how will you pay it/ it's your turn for next two times...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/07/2021 23:26

For next time, at the pub you should have said "right that's £xx each" and waited for him to get his card out.

Being fair and reasonable but firm isn't being confrontational. We are trained by society to think it is but it isn't.

Original poster
dizzyrabbit · 26/07/2021 00:39

@BorderlineHappy

I bet *@dizzyrabbit* is at the cinema,which she paid for.
Yup. Decided it wasn’t worth the awkwardness so just paid for cinema and dinner for the second night. Bah.. going home soon.
OP posts:
Original poster
dizzyrabbit · 26/07/2021 00:47

[quote Howshouldibehave]@dizzyrabbit are you going to come and answer anyone’s questions as there are too many unknowns here to get any useful replies.

Did you invite him to stay or did he ask to come?
Who suggested the pub and the takeaway?
Has he been to stay before-what happened with money then?
Likewise, have you been to his and what happens there? What about when you generally go out?

If he’s a known skinflint though, you really shouldn’t have been surprised that he’s behaving like one and should either have had a plan or not invited him![/quote]
Did you invite him to stay or did he ask to come?
A joint decision, we wanted to see each other.

Who suggested the pub and the takeaway?
I asked if he wanted to go pub and get takeaway

Has he been to stay before-what happened with money then?
Not stayed before

Likewise, have you been to his and what happens there? Not been

What about when you generally go out?
We split it when we meet somewhere

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 26/07/2021 00:56

Is this a friend with benefits situation?
Someone you are dating/met online? What with you never visiting each others homes before.

You are a complete mug though and you know it. They know it too and will walk all over you given chance and you won't say a bloody word.

Nice of them to want to go to the cinema wasn't it knowing you'd stump up the cash, and why on earth did you then pay for dinner again?!

ohthatbloodycat · 26/07/2021 00:58

I provide my guests with food.

nettie434 · 26/07/2021 01:23

Sorry to read that dizzyrabbit. That is very bad. Not even a 'Oh Dizzyrabbit, what a generous person you are'? I would be seething and tutting all night so he couldn't get to sleep. Sadly, even that passive aggressive strategy probably won't work as he probably will snore all the way through it.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 26/07/2021 06:57

Ah sorry OP, this is not a friend but a user

brokenbiscuitsx · 26/07/2021 07:22

Yup. Decided it wasn’t worth the awkwardness so just paid for cinema and dinner for the second night. Bah.. going home soon.

Really OP!? I’m sorry then but you only have yourself to blame.

tallduckandhandsome · 26/07/2021 07:23

Bloody hell but you’re a doormat OP. I bet you pay ehen you go to see him as well. 🙄

Imnothereforthedrama · 26/07/2021 07:23

Yup. Decided it wasn’t worth the awkwardness so just paid for cinema and dinner for the second night. Bah.. going home soon.

Well more fool you , stop complaining if your not going to say something. I can’t believe you would rather pay that speak up . All you have to say is are we paying for ourselves. This is a cf because nobody would allow or assume someone to pay everything. Don’t be a doormat op !!

WaterBottle123 · 26/07/2021 07:31

I don't understand why you didn't just feed him at home?

rainbowstardrops · 26/07/2021 07:31

Bigger fool you for paying for the cinema and another meal.
I wouldn't be having him to stay again, that's for sure.

RampantIvy · 26/07/2021 07:32

Decided it wasn’t worth the awkwardness so just paid for cinema and dinner for the second night

Why FGS?

You could have just not said anything at all and waited for your guest to mention it. Then you could have said "you book the tickets"

You need to find some assertiveness from somewhere otherwise people are always going to walk all over you for the rest of your life, and you will come onto mumsnet and seething with resentment.

Do not allow this person to stay with you again, and raise your boundaries.

saveyourbreath · 26/07/2021 07:40

Oh op 🙊 you should have made him pay for the cinema

Beamur · 26/07/2021 08:07

On the plus side when you go and visit him you can sit back and let him pay for everything!

WombatChocolate · 26/07/2021 09:08

I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people who are total doormats.

On one level, there’s being a great host….but this still involves being in control of when and where you eat. Yes, you’d want to provide at least some of the meals, but that can be at home and doesn’t have to be expensive takeaway or meals out. When it comes to going out, I dont see it as the hosts role to pay, unless they have fully initiated the outing.

Those who aren’t willing to ever say ‘shall we split this’ in advance or ‘I will get this one if you’ll get the next’ are bound to be taken advantage of and need to expect this unless they learn some basic communication skills. There is nothing aggressive or rude or unfriendly about saying either of these things. There is nothing that is ‘unhostly’ about suggesting a bill is split or turns taken for paying, especially when outings or meals are initiated by the host.

And the worst thing is to quietly seethe on MN or on your own and feel a bit furious….but remain silent. Poor communication…..the root of so many of the tensions in society!

Howshouldibehave · 26/07/2021 09:37

Blimey-why start a thread about it, get loads of good advice and then totally ignore it all?! Why go out for dinner for every meal-do you not have a cooker?

Bizarre

pinkyredrose · 26/07/2021 10:15

Yup. Decided it wasn’t worth the awkwardness so just paid for cinema and dinner for the second night. Bah.. going home soon

Hmm Well if you're going to continue being a mug no-one can help you.
It isn't 'akward' to stand up for yourself.

How did you end up paying, did you ask him to pay/for his half and he refused?

MzHz · 26/07/2021 10:17

@brokenbiscuitsx

Yup. Decided it wasn’t worth the awkwardness so just paid for cinema and dinner for the second night. Bah.. going home soon.

Really OP!? I’m sorry then but you only have yourself to blame.

Sadly ^ this
Original poster
dizzyrabbit · 26/07/2021 12:06

@Howshouldibehave

Blimey-why start a thread about it, get loads of good advice and then totally ignore it all?! Why go out for dinner for every meal-do you not have a cooker?

Bizarre

I did follow the advice actually. Lots of folk said that I should pay as I’m the host and because he’s traveled along way just to see us.

Yes I have a cooker. No I don’t go out for every meal.

OP posts:
Bridezillamaybe · 26/07/2021 12:18

Oh I'd be so annoyed OP. I have a friend who does stuff like this and it seems so straightforward for other people to ask her to pay but it alway seems to happen.

He's gone now so don't invite him again. He knew exactly what he was doing. Not even looking at the bill in the pub is so rude, he's not your child. And even if he had some different perspective to you about you suggesting so you pay that is invalidated by him suggesting and not paying for the cinema.

When I stay with people I always take them out for dinner one night to say thanks. My DP put the argument together that if someone has paid travel costs to visit, you should treat them. They both make sense actually but regardless of the circumstances we are always insisting on paying at least once. Meanness is such a horrible trait.

You said this friend would tell you if you owed him a pound. I would write these costs off but i would be seriously turned off him.

Howshouldibehave · 26/07/2021 12:21

@dizzyrabbit

But far far more people said he was being rude and not to pay out anything more!

Interesting what advice people decide to take.

aiwblam · 26/07/2021 12:23

I wouldn’t invite him again