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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my house guest is rather rude?

359 replies

dizzyrabbit · 25/07/2021 09:47

We went for a pub lunch yesterday which I ended up paying for. The bill came and he didn’t even bother to look at it. I paid it with my card expecting him to give me some cash towards it but nothing. Then we ordered a takeaway for dinner which we also ended up paying for. He didn’t even offer to contribute. He’s came a long way to visit but I can’t help but feel like it’s taking the mick. I want to say something but don’t know what. I’m too nice for my own good. Vent over.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/07/2021 14:27

I agree with a previous poster - the easiest way to address this would be to say you can’t afford it after paying for the pub lunch and the takeaway, @dizzyrabbit.

burnoutbabe · 25/07/2021 14:29

[quote RadandMad]@burnoutbabe If you live in a nice place, you end up getting loads of people basically inviting themselves, turning up, expecting entertainment, meals, etc. The least they can bloody do is take you out for a meal as a thank you.[/quote]
But we don't know that's the case. It sounds like the friend is there to visit the op. They haven't just used it as a base to go off and have a holiday.

Howshouldibehave · 25/07/2021 14:33

We don’t really know much at all, as the OP hasn’t returned to answer anyone’s questions.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 25/07/2021 14:42

“He’s such a skint flint that he will remind you if you owe him a quid.. whereas I wouldn’t worry about an amount so small. That’s just the way he is which is fine but it should work both ways.”

Well, if it should work both ways, and you know it’s not going to work your way, then you must want it to work his way. So you’ll have to ask for the money, as you know he would.

Except that’s not the way you are, so you probably won’t. Neither would I.

When a friend has a thing that irritates me, I usually just put up with it. I sort of assume that there’s something irritating about me that they’re putting up with.

Fishkettlesgalore · 25/07/2021 14:57

Over a weekend of hosting, we would normally cook most meals and go out once for an evening meal or lunch , maybe for a coffee or a beer as well, and I would definitely expect the visitor to offer to pay their share of the meal out (even if we didn't accept the offer). Or maybe just pay for drinks.

I disagree that with pps who are saying it's your fault for not speaking up op and for not making your expectations clear. It's really impolite to put you in the position where you have to do this and anyone as op says, it's truly excruciating to have to ask someone to pay their share! I am useless at it too and would probably pay for everything, feel resentment, and be forever "busy" if they wanted to come and stay in future.

lazylump72 · 25/07/2021 15:00

I think you have paid for enough OP He should be treating you to say thank you for your hospitality.

BlueJag · 25/07/2021 15:19

He isn't weird about money he is CHEAP.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/07/2021 15:21

He is a tight ass. If he suggests visiting again be busy.
The bloody cheek.

Eggshausted · 25/07/2021 15:21

Say you don’t fancy the cinema, COVID related maybe, and wish him a lovely time. Make a cheese sandwich for his lunch and make yourself a nice while he’s out. Why would you travel for ages to see a friend and go to the cinema?

Bollindger · 25/07/2021 15:24

By not calling him on his lack of generosity your allowing him to fleece everyone.
How hard is it, just to say are you treating me.

woodhill · 25/07/2021 15:27

Do you ever visit him so he can reciprocate

I think he is being tight personally

AlwaysLatte · 25/07/2021 15:28

If someone was a house guest i wouldn't expect them to pay, but it's nice if they offer. I'd be inclined to cater for them t home next time to keep the cost down if that's the main issue.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/07/2021 15:35

@AlwaysLatte

If someone was a house guest i wouldn't expect them to pay, but it's nice if they offer. I'd be inclined to cater for them t home next time to keep the cost down if that's the main issue.
I'm not much of a cook so if someone comes over we go out for dinner and they always pay for their share. I don't buy that because they're staying at mine, I have to pay for all the food. Yes, if we're eating at mine, I wouldn't charge for the ingredients, but if we're going out it's different.
essentialhealing · 25/07/2021 15:44

This is a strange post

You don't offer up any information on who "he" is unless asked. You then refer to him as a friend but the way you talk about him it doesn't sound like he's your friend

Is he your partner's friend? If so, why are you paying?

The whole thing reads as if you've taken in a stranger off the street not that a friend has came to visit. If he is a friend why can't you split the bill, that's normally what people do

Anotherhill · 25/07/2021 15:44

It’d be good to know how much he likely paid for transport.

ShortBacknSides · 25/07/2021 16:14

When a friend has a thing that irritates me, I usually just put up with it. I sort of assume that there’s something irritating about me that they’re putting up with.

So true! Why would anyone assume differently ...?

LH1987 · 25/07/2021 16:21

Money is such a difficult topic. You shouldn’t have to ask or chase people for their share. Tightness is a terrible trait.

I think OP you have to when you go to the cinema tonight say it’s his turn to pay.

I’m weak and would probably let it go because I hate awkwardness but that’s not right!

Dontwatchfootball · 25/07/2021 17:03

Next time he comes tell him to download splitwise, so that you can both enter the costs of what you pay for things and settle up fairly at the end.

The too nice for my own good thing annoys me, to be honest. It is not pleasant to take someone on, but it is better to be honest up front than be resentful after.

MeridianB · 25/07/2021 17:48

In general, I understand most people saying they cover costs for guests and it’s then reciprocated. But you know he doesn’t treat you when you visit him. So it’s fair to expect at least an offer of payment.

Did he bring anything with him? Wine or flowers?

I agree it’s odd to travel a long way to see a friend for a short visit and then want to go to the cinema.

Either way, I’d get some excuses ready for any return visits from him!

StoneofDestiny · 25/07/2021 17:55

Yes they are rude. I'd pay for nothing else now.

BorderlineHappy · 25/07/2021 22:20

I bet @dizzyrabbit is at the cinema,which she paid for.

Dogvmarmot · 25/07/2021 23:04

@MolyHolyGuacamole

I think you should have all split the bill at the pub, but sorry it's on you as a host to provide meals at home. If you'd been shopping and cooked dinner, would you have expected a share in the grocery bill? How you choose to provide meals in your home is up to you.

When I stay with people I always offer to pay for a takeaway as a 'thank you' for hosting, but i don't think it's cheeky for him to not offer to pay his share for a meal provided at your home.

when we have guests we provide them with meals at home. they usually, not always offer to take us out for one meal/ takeaway but it is not expected. I would not have a guest then have all meals at a restaurant as they might not be able to afford it.
sbhydrogen · 25/07/2021 23:06

Four words spring to mind: "Want to split it?"

tallduckandhandsome · 25/07/2021 23:10

He’s come to you for a cheap holiday. Tell him the cinema and snacks is his treat to you as you paid for pub and takeaway. Get big pop corn and drink.

Dogvmarmot · 25/07/2021 23:12

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

He’s a classic sponger. You have to say, ‘Come on, your turn now.’

We once had a Canadian cousin (50 ish) who I’d never even met before, stay for 10 days. He was apparently allergic to putting his hand in his pocket for anything - and I took him round London to see the sights, paying for everything.

He wanted to go on a bit of a pub crawl with 30-ish dd, but it wasn’t until after he’d let her pay for 2 rounds that she said, ‘Your turn now.’

Never again. He didn’t even send so much as an email to say thanks for having him.

canadians are notorious cheap cf. canadian guest invited herself during A level exams despite being told not convenient. Dont worry I am travelling elsewhere. Announced staying with us 2 weeks on arrival. Insisted I drive her all over england/wales. No offer for any contribution - went out for lunch while spending day driving all over . sandwiches in cafe. She returned the bill and asked for separate ones. To be fair she bought me 1 cup of coffee. and cooked 1 revolting meal of slop.....Had dinner at young canadian lawyers (employed) with a friend - after they asked us for $20 each to contribute to meal (we had brought the very expensive craft beers they specified - put in fridge and brought our cheap crap beer for us to drink) many other canadian stories like this.