Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my house guest is rather rude?

359 replies

dizzyrabbit · 25/07/2021 09:47

We went for a pub lunch yesterday which I ended up paying for. The bill came and he didn’t even bother to look at it. I paid it with my card expecting him to give me some cash towards it but nothing. Then we ordered a takeaway for dinner which we also ended up paying for. He didn’t even offer to contribute. He’s came a long way to visit but I can’t help but feel like it’s taking the mick. I want to say something but don’t know what. I’m too nice for my own good. Vent over.

OP posts:
ShortBacknSides · 25/07/2021 13:17

"I do appreciate your taking us to the cinema, in return for staying with us, eating our food. It's nice not to feel taken advantage of. So many don't even think about it!"

This response assumes that the "favour" is one-way only ... that the hosts have no pleasure in their guest's company. THat they are being Lord & Lady Bountiful.

As a host, I do tend to assume I'll pay for everything - I am hosting my guests, after all. And I have the pleasure of their company.

But a "good" guest would also wish to offer a treat to her hosts - a gift, a meal out etc etc etc.

WombatChocolate · 25/07/2021 13:22

Far better to say something g than silently seethe, moan on mumsnet and be a silent martyr.

Yes to ‘your meal is £12 - do you want to pay card or cash’ or ‘shall we get this meal and you get it tomorrow night’ type thing.

Yes, it would be nice if someone offered at least, but people are odd and have all kinds of different expectation and the only answer is the usual one…..communicate clearly and don’t expect people to be mind readers.

WombatChocolate · 25/07/2021 13:30

When you host, I think you do expect to provide most of the food. If we have guests for perhaps 3 nights, I would certainly cook for at least 2 of them. Often, people have spent quite a lot of money on the journey and as hosts you have avoided that. If we went out for the day, usually we would each pay our own entrance fees. If it was a whole other famiky, they would probably pay for their lunch and us for ours. If it was just a sole person staying, as we are a family, we would probably pay for them.

So the answer isn’t totally straightforward and can depend on how many people visit and if you as the host are a family or just 1 person.

When visiting to stay overnight, I’d always take a couple of items - wine, chocs, flowers. If I was staying a couple of nights or taking the whole family, I’d take more stuff. I would imagine though that our hosts would give us a meal and breakfasts. However, if they suggested a takeaway or going out to eat, I would at least offer to contribute and if we were there several days, probably to for the bill. In fact, if we were there several days I’d offer to get a takeaway in or take them out for a meal to give them a break as hosting is tiring as well as expensive. If I was just staying 1 night or possibly 2, I wouldn’t necessarily do this.

Jaguar77 · 25/07/2021 13:34

Is he a fun guest ?

Highfivemum · 25/07/2021 13:35

That is so frustrating. As you say it is the offer really.

I have a friend like this. She always promises to get the meal next time but never does. Puts me off seeing her to be honest.

Bettysnow · 25/07/2021 13:38

Sounds exactly as a previous poster said in that he knows full well you feel awkward about it so you will pay and won't mention it. That alone would end the friendship for me as realistically it never was a real friendship if that is how he treats people.
Beans on toast for dinner and let him go on to the cinema alone then let that be the last visit ever.
Hopefully he will learn that his little ploys to hang onto his money now means he has nowhere free to go anymore

JudgeRindersMinder · 25/07/2021 13:40

@ShadowInVain

Hmm, if he's your guest, it's really for you as the host to provide his meals.
I agree with this. I know it was different times but we used to have a fair few houseguests growing up, and my mum was an amazing hostess, they wouldn’t have thought of eating out or having takeaway
Midlifemusings · 25/07/2021 13:41

I think this is a tricky one. If someone invites me their home as a houseguest, I don't usual budget for needing to pay restaurant / take away costs for all my meals. I would want to know that expectation up front as it would factor into my decision to accept or not accept the invitation depending on my finances at the time.

If I am a guest at someone's house and they decide we are eating out, I don't have much say in that. My experience is that usually when the host plans a meal out, they pay. As a guest I would offer to take them for a meal out or something as a thank you but I generally don't expect to be paying for all my meals. If that was the case, I would shop for groceries and just make meals at the house. I do think it is unusual (based on my own experience) to invite someone for the weekend, host them, but expect them to pay restaurant costs for all their meals.

I also think there is a bit of gender role expectation going on here, where men are expected to foot the bill. I feel that if a woman posted that she had invited a female friend for the weekend and then host and husband planned a dinner out when guest arrived and then husband only planned to pay for himself and wife and is miffed at invited guest friend that she didn't jump to pay for her own food, the responses would be different.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/07/2021 13:45

@ShadowInVain

Hmm, if he's your guest, it's really for you as the host to provide his meals.
No, not necessarily.
SarahBellam · 25/07/2021 13:46

When we go to visit family they do most of the cooking but we’d take them out for dinner or get a takeaway one of the nights as a thank you - it’s the same when they visit us.

Bollindger · 25/07/2021 13:48

Just say, hey the cinema sounds great, your treating as we did pub and takeaway yesterday... after all you got a free room.

SarahBellam · 25/07/2021 13:48

I’d also bring a gift - a bottle of wine and some flowers or similar.

WombatChocolate · 25/07/2021 13:53

I agree that getting takeaways and going out for meals adds costs to the whole visiting experience. It is difficult when both sides haven’t talked about it and agreed it in advance as these costs are significantly more than host rustling up a lasagna or whatever.

As host, I wouldn’t expect my guests to decide we were all going out, unless it was discussed in advance and we decided to pay for ourselves, or they were taking us out as a gift. Likewise, as hosts, Inwoukdnt expect to spring a meal out on the guests that they were expected to cover for all of us. Again, if it were our idea we’d pay or discuss in advance and agree to split the bill.

The difficulty here lies in someone else deciding to get a takeaway or to eat out and then costs falling on the person who didn’t make the choice.

That’s why hosts usually cater for most meals. When you invite someone, it is simpler usually to host most or all of the meals. For a short stay this is fine. Most guests will offer to take someone out if the stay is longer or to get a takeaway, to ease the burden of hosting in work and cost terms. But not everyone will.

The other thing, is sometimes reciprocal arrangements exist. This could be that the host covers the cost of everything including meals out and takeaways and the same happens when they are then the guest next time. Or the guest could cover everything and again it is reciprocated.

Again, some communication is always good, especially for longer stays. For a short 1 or 2 night stay, as host I’d expect to feed my guests and I wouldn’t choose expensive options like takeaway or eating out unless I was prepared to pay.

ShortBacknSides · 25/07/2021 13:54

‘shall we get this meal and you get it tomorrow night’ type thing.

OK, your guest is a skinflint, but remember OP (and others posting criticising him) he's a single person, you're a couple. It's often the case (not always, I know!!!) that couples have far more discretionary income than single people, so it can't be treat and treat about. It's always double for him.

burnoutbabe · 25/07/2021 13:56

@Bollindger

Just say, hey the cinema sounds great, your treating as we did pub and takeaway yesterday... after all you got a free room.
But he maybe only had a free room as he needed it to visit his friend? He wasn't saving money compared to a hotel as he wouldn't otherwise have needed a hotel.
Lampzade · 25/07/2021 13:56

Don’t pay for the cinema

RadandMad · 25/07/2021 13:59

If I stay at someone's house, they've saved me the cost of a hotel. No way do you owe them anything more than a bed. You're not an all-inclusive holiday destination, ffs.

HeronLanyon · 25/07/2021 13:59

Dave (?!) could you book the cinema tickets for tonight? Thanks.
Or
Are you able to contrib for those two meals or how about the tickets for tonight or similar ? I’m running short and didn’t think I’d be paying for everything this weekend - just can’t afford it.

Mental note to self - don’t invite him to stay again. OR as any bill is being felt with tell him how much his split is. Plus when booking ask him if that price range sounds good for him. So it’s clear from get-go that he isn’t freeloading. Ffs. Shocking rudeness !

burnoutbabe · 25/07/2021 14:02

@RadandMad

If I stay at someone's house, they've saved me the cost of a hotel. No way do you owe them anything more than a bed. You're not an all-inclusive holiday destination, ffs.
But surely you are going there to see them? If I visit my sister 2 hours away she isn't saving me any hotel costs as I'd not go there apart from to see her.

And she benefits by seeing me. And avoiding costs herself of travel (and time taken)

User1357 · 25/07/2021 14:05

Hi, OP

I’ve come across this before. We had somebody stay and ended up paying for everything over the 4 days. I would have paid for 90% of it anyway but not to have offered anything really annoyed me.

I received a text the night she left which basically said she was really embarrassed about not paying for anything but she was incredibly hard up at the moment.

I completely understand and it was our idea to eat out/go out but if she had just mentioned it before hand, saying something along the lines of ‘I’m a bit tight for money at the moment’, we would have happily of paid for things we planned but maybe eaten somewhere less expensive or gone for a cheaper day out etc.

Is your friend hard up for money? It’s still rude in my opinion but could explain the reasoning maybe?

CharityDingle · 25/07/2021 14:12

It's easier said than done to start a conversation like that really. I would do nothing about booking the cinema and if he wants to book it, let him do so. If he then says, you owe me x amount, say something like I thought when I paid for the lunch, that made us even.
Or something like that.

Legopain · 25/07/2021 14:14

OP, read up on Ask Culture vs Guess Culture. You’re very clearly a guesser, and he sounds like he’s an asker. Have you ever managed to directly ask him for money or contributions before? If yes, how did he respond?

memberofthewedding · 25/07/2021 14:16

If you are staying for a weekend I believe you should take a bottle of wine and offer to treat your host to a takeaway or restaurant meal for one night. If they dont wish to (because they have already bought in) you can offer a contribution to the budget.

RadandMad · 25/07/2021 14:20

@burnoutbabe If you live in a nice place, you end up getting loads of people basically inviting themselves, turning up, expecting entertainment, meals, etc. The least they can bloody do is take you out for a meal as a thank you.

Bollindger · 25/07/2021 14:22

I had a moocher visit.
We had loads of food as took him shopping once her arrived, as he was fun with food.
He let my child buy his dinner, and I just gave my child the money.
However the next day when he was looking at pub with meals at £20 a pop, I looked at him and said oh are you treating me. He laughed and almost ran from the place and then tried to get me too buy from take away, I told him just go buy yours, I am still looking. He was not happy.
Next time he tried to visit, we just said sorry busy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread