To wonder why MN is so unpleasant about SAHMs?

[crinklyfoil]

While I know there are cases when women aren’t married and don’t own property and are in a vulnerable position, I’m not talking about posters who are concerned about women.

I’m talking about posters who believe that SAHMs have no say in finances, should ‘get a job’ and are somehow lazy.

A FT childcare place costs around £800 a month. If you have more than one child, realistically for many women, ‘getting a job’ will mean working at a loss. Not to mention problems with shift work at the lower paid end of the spectrum (retail work and care work.)

Is it really so awful that having a SAHM might just work really well for some families? That some women might thoroughly enjoy it and that it’s part of a mutually beneficial relationship in the context of the whole family?

Or should everyone just get a job, regardless of how miserable and poor it makes the whole family?!

I was a SAHM for several years so my DH, who earned a hell of a lot more than I could ever earn, could provide and progress.
I have no problem with it at all.

Their not there. Embarrassing!

Meh I think you're just getting confirmation bias, I've seen the odd horrible comment to both sides of the coin and a lot of balanced opinions for both sides

I’m not sure I am. I’m not a SAHM.

oh, and it goes without saying that the "enormous salary" which the judge thought i could earn never transpired. Clearly the judge in question never has and never will be a working single parent to two children aged 4 and 5

There are always posters who get snippy and arsey on any subject. I'm always one of those posters who would advise really thinking before giving up work and weighing up the what ifs (due to personal experience), but ultimately that's each person's own risk assessment to make.

OP overall YANBU but I feel that this topic has been done to absolute death so I don’t think you will get honest answers on your AIBU, simply because people are fed up seeing this thread again.

@Snookie00

The old jealousy card has been pulled out. It’s like some women can’t understand how other women would want more from life than domestic and childcare duties entirely dependent on their husband or the state to fund them. It’s soooo old fashioned. Some women enjoy their jobs, using their qualifications/ intellect and value being financially independent. We know what SAHMs do as that’s what we do evenings, weekends and holidays. Why can’t they accept that we do not want to do that full time?

You know you could have shot down the jealousy comment without the implied distain for SAHMs

@DinosaurDiana

I was a SAHM for several years so my DH, who earned a hell of a lot more than I could ever earn, could provide and progress. I have no problem with it at all.

We are very different people. I would have a problem with that.

I would want to succeed, to have my own money, to be an equal in the relationship and to show my children both mummy and daddy are equally contributing to earning money, looking after the house and taking care of them.

It’s not a dig a SAHMs - it sounds really hard and lonely. They do a fantastic job and are vulnerable in the event of a relationship breakdown.

I just could never take a back seat to allow someone else to progress.

I think I would feel more comfortable about it if men and women did this in equal number,

If you arent a SAHM OP then who cares?

@nellly

Meh I think you're just getting confirmation bias, I've seen the odd horrible comment to both sides of the coin and a lot of balanced opinions for both sides

This.

And the thread the op is referring to did have some dicks saying the money was his. But it had far more supportive comments.

Op said she lived in a house that was u safe and that the 5k a month they had coming in, wasn't alot to raise a family on.

Most people saying she should work, were not anti sahm. They said it because she feels her dh doesn't view the money as shared. And because she feels they donr have enough money.

@Vallmo47

OP overall YANBU but I feel that this topic has been done to absolute death so I don’t think you will get honest answers on your AIBU, simply because people are fed up seeing this thread again.

They can’t be that fed up given they are answering.

I have been reading for years. I know MN gets strong views but I’ve never known it suggested that the SAHP gets no say in finances because they don’t work. Yet I’ve seen this several times lately.

I have only seen one thread where a sahm was criticised.

That was because her post said.

1. Husband gets kids up, bathed, dressed and fed and takes them to school.
2. Cleaner comes in every day to clean house.
3. Grandmother comes and does child care in school holidays.
4. Dad comes home, cooks tea, read stories and puts kids to bed.

The sahm literally did nothing for the house or kids.

In that case I think it was right and fair she was criticised.

I've never seen a post where the sahm was ding the child care and house keeping be criticised at all

It isn’t just that thread. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve read ‘get a job’ on here lately. It’s awful.

@SorryWoman

If you arent a SAHM OP then who cares?

Oh I care, all right. Horrible attitude. I’m not gay either but I care about horrible comments made about them. It’s part of a general anti women feeling on here which is appalling.

I have not seen many cases where someone in unpleasant to a SAHP with children under 5. Everyone understands the challenge of the cost of childcare and that actually being at home with young children is not lazy.

What I have seen is people questioning SAHP of NT children, who do not work at all but only have school aged children, who justify not working by reference to the amount of "wife work" required in a family with children - cleaning, cooking, school admin etc. This stuff is managed perfectly well by families with two working parents, in addition to a job, so people are sceptical that it really fills the SAHPs day.

This often comes up on threads where its clear the working partner is beginning to resent the situation.

A FT childcare place costs around £800 a month. If you have more than one child, realistically for many women, ‘getting a job’ will mean working at a loss.

The language is part of the problem, it’s not just the woman’s salary that childcare costs should be compared to it’s the household income. It’s almost always compared to the woman’s income as if the total childcare reliance is on them.

Splitting childcare 50:50 just like any other household bill (or what ever percentage split you do based on salary) means your personal childcare bill is £400 for one or £800 for two going by your example. Far less intimidating than ‘oh my god the bill is £1600 and I only earn £1800’.

For some women staying at home and raising their babies 24/7 is what they fee they were born to do, for them it’s great and a win win situation.

For others they give up work without wanting to because they feel the total responsibility lies with them, like you’ve worded in your post, and then it just breeds resentment, as you see so often on here ‘my husband doesn’t do anything round the house and spends all his time at work and no time as a family’ blah.

If women are independent to begin with and act independently of their relationship before children then they’re free to make the choice after whether they want to give it all up and become Mother Earth. Until then though it isn’t a free choice, it’s societal pressure.

we all see what we're looking for to an extent

I'd agree with this, often people trying to justify their own decisions. There are similar threads questioning why women have children if they are going to put them in day care. It really works both ways.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

No issue with whether a woman works or doesn’t but two things that piss me off:

1- “my partner works because he earns more”....always men who earn more

2- childcare will take all my wage- nope it’s a joint expense

Just say, I want to be a SAHM, that’s the truth and that’s ok.

Completely agree with this and I find it incredibly frustrating. Just be honest - you like spending time with the kids kore than DH does but people feel the need to lie themselves out of the situation.

People try to justify their decision as they’re scared of being judged. Especially when they have school aged children.

What then is your recommendation for SAHM who feel vulnerable/trapped or cannot access funds? MN commenters can’t tell the partner to act like a decent person. All they can do is suggest ways to decrease the OP’s dependence on an arse. “Get a job” is one way to do that

@crinklyfoil

It isn’t just that thread. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve read ‘get a job’ on here lately. It’s awful.

Surely it depends on why they were being told to get a job?

Working, and being financially responsible for yourself, is the default for a fit and able adult. You may have a particular set of circumstances and a private arrangement whereby it makes sense not to, or you reach a joint decision not to, but it's not the default. Why is it inherently awful to be told to work, if for some reason the current setup has caused enough trouble to be posting on here for advice about it?

I dropped a day (to 4 days), private childcare 2 days, family childcare other 2 (including husband as he does shifts).

It feels like a good balance that earning and childcare is split. I realise that having family near and willing is a big help.

I’d feel pretty vulnerable if I stopped earning tbh.

I’d feel pretty vulnerable if I stopped earning tbh.

This is the crux for me. We have life and income protection cover on the mortgage but I like knowing that, if anything happened to DH, I could up my hours and manage.

@Treacletoots

Why doesn't mum aspire to earn as much as dad before they have children so this isn't an issue. That's my ultimate issue here.

Completely agree with this. A lot of posters referring to gender pay gap and I actually believe main part of the gender pay gap is the choices women make as to the type of work we go into because it all seems far too coincidental that before kids come along the men seem to be the top earners.