To wonder why MN is so unpleasant about SAHMs?

[crinklyfoil]

While I know there are cases when women aren’t married and don’t own property and are in a vulnerable position, I’m not talking about posters who are concerned about women.

I’m talking about posters who believe that SAHMs have no say in finances, should ‘get a job’ and are somehow lazy.

A FT childcare place costs around £800 a month. If you have more than one child, realistically for many women, ‘getting a job’ will mean working at a loss. Not to mention problems with shift work at the lower paid end of the spectrum (retail work and care work.)

Is it really so awful that having a SAHM might just work really well for some families? That some women might thoroughly enjoy it and that it’s part of a mutually beneficial relationship in the context of the whole family?

Or should everyone just get a job, regardless of how miserable and poor it makes the whole family?!

@FourTeaFallOut Ive not pulled anyone down on this thread.

@Katedanielshasakitty

Ffs. I haven't personally belittled or been rude about sahp at all.

Some people have. But many haven't.

Its a thread where people are discussing opinions. It should of course only be discussed where relevant. If a sahp, is posting about going to the zoo and which ones best. Anyone telling them they are financially vulnerable is a dick.

Which actually happened on lots of lockdown threads by working mums. So, again, it actually goes both ways

But the fact that you think this opinion takes up space in people's brains, out side the few minutes it takes to read and post a comment, is very telling.

It's not all about you - you do know that?

@Katedanielshasakitty

Ffs. I haven't personally belittled or been rude about sahp at all.

Some people have. But many haven't.

Its a thread where people are discussing opinions. It should of course only be discussed where relevant. If a sahp, is posting about going to the zoo and which ones best. Anyone telling them they are financially vulnerable is a dick.

Which actually happened on lots of lockdown threads by working mums. So, again, it actually goes both ways

But the fact that you think this opinion takes up space in people's brains, out side the few minutes it takes to read and post a comment, is very telling.

I don't really understand your point. You are agreeing with me that the financially vulnerable stuff should come out when only relevant yes? Why does your post seem so defensive when we are saying the same thing?

@Mummyford but at that exact moment a sahp is reliant on their partner working for money u less they have their own savings I suppose, just like the working partner is reliant on the sahp for a shit load of domestic related tasks, life admin and childcare.

That sentence isn’t meant to be a description of someone’s whole life, just that moment in time.

I’m about to be reliant on DP for money when I go on mat leave again, I can cover my bills but nothing else so everything we eat, do, have is reliant on him going out to work every day and doing a good enough job not to get sacked. We are grateful for each other because they’re both important.

It wasn’t really tongue in cheek, I don’t have to work, I mean we’d still eat and have a roof over our heads. Obviously there’d be cutbacks. But I like working so I am choosing to do something else for 30 hours a week.

I swear to god I’ve been called “similar to a prostitute” on MN. It could only happen on MN . I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve had the “faux concern” about my “financial vulnerability.” When I say words to the effect of, “trust me, I’m not financially vulnerable, but thanks anyway,” they just keep repeating that I am! It’s so bizarre. Then when they finally accept I may not be financially vulnerable, they tell me I’m “not a proper example of a SAHM” then because I’m not “typical.” For some reason they need to believe their own version of what a SAHM should be (downtrodden and in financial dire straits). They know this because of the relationships board, you see. Never mind that they hardly know any SAHMs in real life. Then, having exhausted all options, it gets nasty. There’s the inevitable, “wait until he trades you in for a younger model.” Apparently all “high earners” will do this. Again, they know this to be true because of the relationships board and also movies. Cue various anecdotes - “my cousin’s neighbours’ friend was left with nothing after she found out he was shagging the sin’s teacher’s mother..,” or something like that. In fact, he’s probably having an affair now - I just wouldn’t know. Oh, and he’s a terrible father too. He must be because he uses his “big important job” to “avoid childcare” (even though, in the same breath, they’re all telling me to er... get a job). This is how it goes - over and over and over. There are particular posters who claim they have never been SAHMs and would never want to be, but my god, they are obsessed. I do wonder what lives they actually lead and if they are what they claim. Amazingly, they haven’t cropped up on this thread (maybe one has been banned)? She was on the other day though, telling a woman who is a SAHM to “get back into the kitchen” because she has chosen a 1950s lifestyle so should suck it up.

@FourTeaFallOut

But why are you so worried about what other women may be worried about?

Don't you get the hump with this constant surveillance that we do of one another? The moment you pick up a bottle or put your breast to the babies mouth there are tribes waiting to congratulate or admonish you for that choice and it just.never.ends. after that. On and on it goes, pulling each other down.

Absolutely I do. Which is why I only share opinions when asked. The only people who will ask is on mn or a close friend or family member, who may feel I will give them decent advice.

They are then welcome to ignore it and I won't hold it against them.

But everybody judges women. And women are often worse.

You judge people who have a certain opinion as faking concern or having a superiority complex.

I have been told someone feels sorry for me because I make financial decisions with my head not my heart.

That's their opinion on a thread that's a discussion of people opinions. I don't believe that person is now sat concerned that I don't follow my heart enough. Or jealous of my circumstances or our of superiority.

We can share opinions without having digs at people. We can accept peoples opinions without thinking, someone is actually having a dig

The only poster I've spoken to directly in anything approaching a critical manner is DrSbaitso, so I'm not sure why you think I have said that about you Imamule?

Other than that, my answers were just in response to the thread title and my thoughts on the topic generally.

I would save the concern for those you know could actually do with it - like, personally - rather than a whole intangible group based on a single unifier.

But then how on earth would they continually try to drag SAHP down

It is like SAHP bingo all the ridiculous same quotes given, passed off as concern or advice, when they are not concerned at all, they are forcing their own views and personal circumstances on every single SAHP.

I mean how arrogant to not be able to see that what is right for you, is not right for everyother mother.

Lets just get ovet it, stop it being such a big discussion, respect eachother choices, by god, life is tough enough without all this dragging others down.

@cosima8

I swear to god I’ve been called “similar to a prostitute” on MN. It could only happen on MN . I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve had the “faux concern” about my “financial vulnerability.” When I say words to the effect of, “trust me, I’m not financially vulnerable, but thanks anyway,” they just keep repeating that I am! It’s so bizarre. Then when they finally accept I may not be financially vulnerable, they tell me I’m “not a proper example of a SAHM” then because I’m not “typical.” For some reason they need to believe their own version of what a SAHM should be (downtrodden and in financial dire straits). They know this because of the relationships board, you see. Never mind that they hardly know any SAHMs in real life. Then, having exhausted all options, it gets nasty. There’s the inevitable, “wait until he trades you in for a younger model.” Apparently all “high earners” will do this. Again, they know this to be true because of the relationships board and also movies. Cue various anecdotes - “my cousin’s neighbours’ friend was left with nothing after she found out he was shagging the sin’s teacher’s mother..,” or something like that. In fact, he’s probably having an affair now - I just wouldn’t know. Oh, and he’s a terrible father too. He must be because he uses his “big important job” to “avoid childcare” (even though, in the same breath, they’re all telling me to er... get a job). This is how it goes - over and over and over. There are particular posters who claim they have never been SAHMs and would never want to be, but my god, they are obsessed. I do wonder what lives they actually lead and if they are what they claim. Amazingly, they haven’t cropped up on this thread (maybe one has been banned)? She was on the other day though, telling a woman who is a SAHM to “get back into the kitchen” because she has chosen a 1950s lifestyle so should suck it up.

Well those people sound like absolute dicks.

A prostitute? Wtf?

On and on it goes, pulling each other down.

I do get tired of this. I choose to work despite not needing to & I recognise that I'm lucky to have flexibility & autonomy in my job which fits my family. I'm not less of a mother because I chose that option despite not needing too & I'm not jealous of others who make different choices.

You judge people who have a certain opinion as faking concern or having a superiority complex

No, I judge people who use concern as a tactic to bitch at other women. On both sides of this debate.

@FourTeaFallOut

You judge people who have a certain opinion as faking concern or having a superiority complex

No, I judge people who use concern as a tactic to bitch at other women. On both sides of this debate.

But the vast majority of the time, you have no idea what their motivation is. But are assuming you do. That's my point.

People assume they know a womans motivation for her opinions. Sometimes they just have the opinion they say , without lots of hidden and nefarious meanings.

Obviously, some are twats. Clearly. But not everyone who expresses that opinion is doing to so to have a dig

@cosima8

I swear to god I’ve been called “similar to a prostitute” on MN. It could only happen on MN . I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve had the “faux concern” about my “financial vulnerability.” When I say words to the effect of, “trust me, I’m not financially vulnerable, but thanks anyway,” they just keep repeating that I am! It’s so bizarre. Then when they finally accept I may not be financially vulnerable, they tell me I’m “not a proper example of a SAHM” then because I’m not “typical.” For some reason they need to believe their own version of what a SAHM should be (downtrodden and in financial dire straits). They know this because of the relationships board, you see. Never mind that they hardly know any SAHMs in real life. Then, having exhausted all options, it gets nasty. There’s the inevitable, “wait until he trades you in for a younger model.” Apparently all “high earners” will do this. Again, they know this to be true because of the relationships board and also movies. Cue various anecdotes - “my cousin’s neighbours’ friend was left with nothing after she found out he was shagging the sin’s teacher’s mother..,” or something like that. In fact, he’s probably having an affair now - I just wouldn’t know. Oh, and he’s a terrible father too. He must be because he uses his “big important job” to “avoid childcare” (even though, in the same breath, they’re all telling me to er... get a job). This is how it goes - over and over and over. There are particular posters who claim they have never been SAHMs and would never want to be, but my god, they are obsessed. I do wonder what lives they actually lead and if they are what they claim. Amazingly, they haven’t cropped up on this thread (maybe one has been banned)? She was on the other day though, telling a woman who is a SAHM to “get back into the kitchen” because she has chosen a 1950s lifestyle so should suck it up.

This description is exactly what happens on MN. It's like people have internalised these MN classic statements and trott them out no matter what the OP has said.

We can share opinions without having digs at people. We can accept peoples opinions without thinking, someone is actually having a dig

Exactly

I'm not less of a mother because I chose that option despite not needing too & I'm not jealous of others who make different choices.

Yeah, you'll see me on those threads too defending the choices of wohms.

@FourTeaFallOut

You judge people who have a certain opinion as faking concern or having a superiority complex

No, I judge people who use concern as a tactic to bitch at other women. On both sides of this debate.

As before: on here, we have threads all the time from women who gave up or vastly reduced work and are now in the shit for it. They're not idiots, but it happens. A lot. We know why they got into that position. We see the reasoning for it all the time too.

Who's the arse: the one who highlights the potential pitfalls at the early stages, and possibly pisses off those non working women who aren't vulnerable (and therefore aren't actually the subject of the discussion anyway), or the one who tries to obfuscate the issue by attacking the first person as a jealous bitch?

Hint: it's the second one.

I mean ffs, "yer just jel lol" isn't even an argument. It serves no purpose except to invalidate the very real issue at stake.

Why, exactly, would it serve a woman to do that?

The thread title is literally To wonder why MN is so unpleasant about SAHMs?

I don't think I am off topic if I am suggesting reasons as to why people may do that.

And I have never used the words "well jel" in my life but usually when someone has an axe to grind about another person it is motivated by envy.

Yeah, you'll see me on those threads too defending the choices of wohms

Most SAHP do defend choice on these threads, others seem to read that as an attack on thier choice, when it's clearly not.

@FourTeaFallOut

And I have never used the words "well jel" in my life but usually when someone has an axe to grind about another person it is motivated by envy.

I'm not sure it's envy, I'm guessing a more complex reason. But @DrSbaitso certainly has an axe to grind on this issue. They regularly post on these sahm threads. I will add though always respectfully, but I'm still intrigued as to why so invested in it.

There is the hilarious poster with a very distinct writing style who comes in and tells SAHMs that they have “no voice in society” because they do not pay tax. Once she said SAHMs should not have the vote! She also told me once that I must have nothing interesting to talk about ever. Why? Because I am not “up to date with developments in health and safety in the workplace.” I mean, what can you say to that,

There is another poster who is literally incandescent about SAHMs in any shape or form. This one is a loon though, she has totally separate finances to her husband - to the point to that he has his fridge and cupboard for food and she has hers . She buys all her own food and him his and they cook separately. When they go out for dinner, they calculate exactly what they’ve eaten, calculate the cost of their kid’s food and divide that and then pay exactly half the tip each to the penny. She was telling SAHMs they were the weird ones.

Various posters have asked me how I feel about living like a prostitute, but one in particular kindly explained that what I don’t realise is, I am actually a prostitute “in the eyes of my husband.” Apparently he must only be with me for the sex because I don’t give him any money. She also informed me everyone in society secretly thinks this, they’re just too scared to say it to my face. She also said that my husband should give me weekly appraisals (on Friday evenings) so I could check if he was happy with the quality of my housework and cooking. She said this is normal when “women live off men.”

Honestly, it’s all on MN!

cosima8 I swear to god I’ve been called “similar to a prostitute” on MN. It could only happen on MN . I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve had the “faux concern” about my “financial vulnerability.” When I say words to the effect of, “trust me, I’m not financially vulnerable, but thanks anyway,” they just keep repeating that I am! It’s so bizarre. Then when they finally accept I may not be financially vulnerable, they tell me I’m “not a proper example of a SAHM” then because I’m not “typical.” For some reason they need to believe their own version of what a SAHM should be (downtrodden and in financial dire straits). They know this because of the relationships board, you see. Never mind that they hardly know any SAHMs in real life. Then, having exhausted all options, it gets nasty. There’s the inevitable, “wait until he trades you in for a younger model.” Apparently all “high earners” will do this. Again, they know this to be true because of the relationships board and also movies. Cue various anecdotes - “my cousin’s neighbours’ friend was left with nothing after she found out he was shagging the sin’s teacher’s mother..,” or something like that. In fact, he’s probably having an affair now - I just wouldn’t know. Oh, and he’s a terrible father too. He must be because he uses his “big important job” to “avoid childcare” (even though, in the same breath, they’re all telling me to er... get a job).  This is how it goes - over and over and over. There are particular posters who claim they have never been SAHMs and would never want to be, but my god, they are obsessed. I do wonder what lives they actually lead and if they are what they claim. Amazingly, they haven’t cropped up on this thread (maybe one has been banned)? She was on the other day though, telling a woman who is a SAHM to “get back into the kitchen” because she has chosen a 1950s lifestyle so should suck it up.

As soon as you see a title with SAHP in regardless of the question it turns into this.

I have a little mental list of all the things the WP will "advise" the SAHP on.

I agree with other posters who say these views within a relationship are unhealthy.

Because I am not “up to date with developments in health and safety in the workplace.”

She sounds fun!

I don't even understand the prostitute comment.

@cosima8

I swear to god I’ve been called “similar to a prostitute” on MN. It could only happen on MN . I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve had the “faux concern” about my “financial vulnerability.” When I say words to the effect of, “trust me, I’m not financially vulnerable, but thanks anyway,” they just keep repeating that I am! It’s so bizarre. Then when they finally accept I may not be financially vulnerable, they tell me I’m “not a proper example of a SAHM” then because I’m not “typical.” For some reason they need to believe their own version of what a SAHM should be (downtrodden and in financial dire straits). They know this because of the relationships board, you see. Never mind that they hardly know any SAHMs in real life. Then, having exhausted all options, it gets nasty. There’s the inevitable, “wait until he trades you in for a younger model.” Apparently all “high earners” will do this. Again, they know this to be true because of the relationships board and also movies. Cue various anecdotes - “my cousin’s neighbours’ friend was left with nothing after she found out he was shagging the sin’s teacher’s mother..,” or something like that. In fact, he’s probably having an affair now - I just wouldn’t know. Oh, and he’s a terrible father too. He must be because he uses his “big important job” to “avoid childcare” (even though, in the same breath, they’re all telling me to er... get a job). This is how it goes - over and over and over. There are particular posters who claim they have never been SAHMs and would never want to be, but my god, they are obsessed. I do wonder what lives they actually lead and if they are what they claim. Amazingly, they haven’t cropped up on this thread (maybe one has been banned)? She was on the other day though, telling a woman who is a SAHM to “get back into the kitchen” because she has chosen a 1950s lifestyle so should suck it up.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

I don't think they are - each to their own and it's a choice. I only get pissed off when SAHMs start saying it's the equivalent of being employed. Which it is not