To wonder why MN is so unpleasant about SAHMs?

[crinklyfoil]

While I know there are cases when women aren’t married and don’t own property and are in a vulnerable position, I’m not talking about posters who are concerned about women.

I’m talking about posters who believe that SAHMs have no say in finances, should ‘get a job’ and are somehow lazy.

A FT childcare place costs around £800 a month. If you have more than one child, realistically for many women, ‘getting a job’ will mean working at a loss. Not to mention problems with shift work at the lower paid end of the spectrum (retail work and care work.)

Is it really so awful that having a SAHM might just work really well for some families? That some women might thoroughly enjoy it and that it’s part of a mutually beneficial relationship in the context of the whole family?

Or should everyone just get a job, regardless of how miserable and poor it makes the whole family?!

[quote SAHMavectwinnies]@FTEngineerM
It’s not just a few seconds though, is it?
Some people have everything split - bills, mortgage, childcare, food, etc.

Then what happens if someone has a salary increase? Is this contribution pro-rata so their half is more?

I can see people want a “back up plan” but some people said they can’t commit to somebody because they have too much to lose financially, independence, etc. It must be hard having to pragmatically weigh your options up like that.

Really, marriage makes zero sense practically but I still don’t regret doing it. I hope people aren’t thinking so much with their heads that they forget about the heart too.[/quote]
It’s not hard at all. The thought of combining all assets and finances makes me feel panicky and uncomfortable and it would take a lot more for me to mentally override that than it would to go with my preference of keeping things separate and protecting my financial independence. The idea of getting married feels to me like throwing myself off a cliff with no bungee. You can love and commit to someone without giving everything up.

@FourTeaFallOut

To be fair, the title of this thread is asking opinions on what people think of SAHMs.

If people give responses: and this poster has been perfectly measured in her response, you can’t turn turn around at people who have a different opinion and moan at them for having a “superior tone”.

It’s not - it’s "To wonder why MN is so unpleasant about SAHMs?”

And @FourTeaFallOut has a decent idea!

I'm just asking what the motivation is for caring about what other women do?

I feel similarly when sahms set on wohm with an avalanche of faux concern for their children.

It grinds my gears that we do this to each other. It's depressing.

Or maybe it's because I've been a sahm, a wohm and a wahm - I have a dog in every fight.

I don’t have an answer but the only time I’ve noticed judgement is when I became a parent @FourTeaFallOut 😂 I don’t think anyone is allowed to come out unscathed, unfortunately.

@FourTeaFallOut

I'm just asking what the motivation is for caring about what other women do?

I feel similarly when sahms set on wohm with an avalanche of faux concern for their children.

It grinds my gears that we do this to each other. It's depressing.

Or maybe it's because I've been a sahm, a wohm and a wahm - I have a dog in every fight.

I didn't answer above. You may need to scroll for it.

I’m not saying you have to get married at all.

If you choose to split things however you wish, that’s up to you. I don’t pass judgement on it but it’s okay not to do that too. I don’t see sharing finances as “giving everything up”.

Everyone is different, there are pros and cons to each. Posts of MN lead time and time again to people feeling the need to defend their choices, often by tearing others down.

I'm just asking what the motivation is for caring about what other women do?

Me? because women still have to fight too much to have anything approximating equality. After that - maybe not so much. I prefer to support women rather than snipe at them and tear them down.

@Mummyford isn’t that just an accurate description of what’s happening. Whether that works for that family or not is nobody else’s business, quite frankly. It’s not offensive.

It’s equal to someone saying I ‘choose not to care for my children 30 hours a week whilst I write ‘boring emails’’ that accurate, some may find my emails boring and I am choosing to work.
It’s not offensive.

So do you spend much time wringing your hands in concern for all those people who live differently to you - those who live with a different level of risk or a different lifestyle?

And if not, what motivates you to take such a superior tone over how other women chose to spend time differently to you?

If it's not envy - is it just one of those shitty superiority complexes where any axis of difference is another opportunity for self congratulation?

Oh dear. Was it something I said?

Should I conclude from this angry barrage of projection and bullshit accusations that you envy me my career and earnings?

"Yer just wel jel lol" is a hypocritical and frankly inane response to the discussion that has been going on for over 800 posts and has included a lot of thought and nuance from posters on both sides. Hypocritical because it doesn't get any more "superior" than insisting nobody could have a legitimate reason for wanting to live differently to you and must be jealous. Inane because women who work as a choice have told you that they like and value their careers, prefer to be in a position of earning money as they are/feel safer that way, would be unhappy at home all the time, and more. None of this equates to any kind of "superiority complex" or "hand wringing", except in the eyes of an angry, defensive and deeply insecure person.

Not working often leaves someone financially vulnerable, as we see on here all the time. I'm sorry if the truth offends you.

No. I work. Save your tiny tears.

So do you spend much time wringing your hands in concern for all those people who live differently to you - those who live with a different level of risk or a different lifestyle?

Er, if people didn't do this AIBU wouldn't exist 😆

Er, if people didn't do this AIBU wouldn't exist

I think it would be safe. Most people are upfront about their dislike for other people and don't pretend it's because they are so terribly worried about them. In fact, at a push, it could be sustained on parking threads alone.

But the people who don't drive would disagree with those that do on the parking threads cause different lifestyles!

Most people are upfront about their dislike for other people and don't pretend it's because they are so terribly worried about them.

And if their concern is sincere or can only be fake & motivated by envy?

@FourTeaFallOut

Er, if people didn't do this AIBU wouldn't exist

I think it would be safe. Most people are upfront about their dislike for other people and don't pretend it's because they are so terribly worried about them. In fact, at a push, it could be sustained on parking threads alone.

I am really confused. Its only you that is assuming, that people who, when asked volunteer the opinion that sahm are often financially vulnerable, that this means they don't like them.

The thread is about wether sahp are generally disliked on mn. So people are giving their opinions.

Saying you think sahp are financially vulnerable does not equal a dislike. You have made that up and running with it.

People generally don't volunteer opinion s in real life. Only when asked. Just like here.

And who said anyone is terribly worried.

When a woman posts here that she isn't married and giving up work. If is relevant I will mention that she is vulnerable and needs to look at her choices and fun understand what they mean and then make a decision herself.

I am not sat worried about what actual decision she makes. Why do you think people are?

I would save the concern for those you know could actually do with it - like, personally - rather than a whole intangible group based on a single unifier.

I'd go back to my earlier point which is why the hell are they so worried about this when there is a plethora of things to concern yourself about. This topic comes up regularly and uniform to all - diatribes around wohm and sahps - is that the words concern and distain are practical interchangeable.

It might not be envy, I've floated a superiority complex as another option. Anger at 'letting the side down' is in the mix too.

Men don't do this shit to each other, not on this scale.

@DoubleTweenQueen

I would save the concern for those you know could actually do with it - like, personally - rather than a whole intangible group based on a single unifier.

I would also say that if your concern is for SAHMs financial and emotional well being - you really need to think about how you are delivering the message. I'll save you some time - attacking and belittling doesn't work unless your aim is to attack and belittle.

I'd go back to my earlier point which is why the hell are they so worried about this when there is a plethora of things to concern yourself about

But why are you so worried about what other women may be worried about?

@DoubleTweenQueen

I would save the concern for those you know could actually do with it - like, personally - rather than a whole intangible group based on a single unifier.

This is the crux of the matter on these threads about sahm. I read one poster call it sahm bingo once...one of the bingo calls was this idea of concern about vulnerability.

If a woman outlines her situation and is clearly in a vulnerable position by all means posters should highlight that and give advice. However, it's increasingly becoming the case that at any point 'im a sahm' is mentioned this vulnerability thing comes out. It is possible to be a sahm and have protected yourself financially...many, many have done. I conceed many, many have not. But don't blanket the advice is what I think posters like @DoubleTweenQueen and others are saying right? That's when it becomes patronising. Like by definition of being a sahm you aren't capable of long term thinking. It's not true and is patronising. Only say these things when they are relevant to the op

But why are you so worried about what other women may be worried about?

Don't you get the hump with this constant surveillance that we do of one another? The moment you pick up a bottle or put your breast to the babies mouth there are tribes waiting to congratulate or admonish you for that choice and it just.never.ends. after that. On and on it goes, pulling each other down.

Ffs. I haven't personally belittled or been rude about sahp at all.

Some people have. But many haven't.

Its a thread where people are discussing opinions. It should of course only be discussed where relevant. If a sahp, is posting about going to the zoo and which ones best. Anyone telling them they are financially vulnerable is a dick.

Which actually happened on lots of lockdown threads by working mums. So, again, it actually goes both ways

But the fact that you think this opinion takes up space in people's brains, out side the few minutes it takes to read and post a comment, is very telling.

I should also add, I'm a lurker and have NC a few times, so I've read these sahm threads. It's often the same people time and time again posting their views on being a sahm. Despite having never been one. I'm interested in why they are so invested. I'm invested as I've been a sahm before and I agree with the OP.

@DrSbaitso I'm intrigued as to why your name regularly comes up on these sorts of threads? You seem overly invested in debating the perils of being a sahm. Why do you think that is? Genuine question.