To not want partner to have a family picture with his ex

[jojobaoil]

Partner has been split up from his ex for 3 years. They have a child together. I've been with him a year.

He has a picture of the three of them when their child was just born, in a cabinet in his front room. He's had the image there for ages - since I've been with him but there was a piece of card in a heart shape covering her up. Today I saw it had slipped down and I could see her face and I said to him semi light hearted that he needs to get rid and why does he still have a picture with her there. He immediately got up and said he will sort it and folded back the bit with her on it. I was happy at the time.....but now I'm thinking about it, why not remove the picture or rip the part with her on it off...? I might be being unreasonable but they were together for 8 years and I don't understand why he would still want that picture around whether or not she is the mother of his child. They are amicable, not over friendly and I don't think he would go back there but I don't get it. I've thrown out every pic of my child's dad - they sees their dad weekly so won't forget what he looks like!

AIBU for wanting him to get rid? Or am I being silly...

I think YABU. I also think it's sad that you threw out all of your photos with your child's dad too instead of popping them in a box for your child to have when they are grown up. I'd feel so sad not having my childhood photos.

I feel like an outsider I guess, how can I compete in a sense with what they had...they have an ok relationship at times but recently had an issue where police were called.

WTF?! Sounds like you have more to worry about than a picture.

I think your boyfriend needs to run and keep running.

You've been with him for a year so it will take time for photos to be accumulated. Especially if you haven't travelled etc due to covid. Also he has arranged the photo so her face isn't on display from the sounds of it? So it's not like he is gazing fondly at her every day. If you can't handle that then I'm not sure being a stepmum is for you if you were thinking that's where it's going.

I think I know I am being quite unreasonable but I can't help how I feel....for me, the past is the past and you don't have images of your ex in plain view when you have a partner. I guess he feels otherwise!

Why were the police called?

I feel like an outsider I guess, how can I compete in a sense with what they had

Give it time and relax. You will feel less an outsider and the times you do it will matter less. You are not competing, he is not with her.

an ok relationship at times but recently had an issue where police were called. what has this got to do with the photo? If the police are being called who were they called for?

It's a part of his history isn't it? You can hide it away but it will always be there. If he wanted to be with his ex he would be but he isn't. I presume if he has a kid with her he sees her often anyway. It's not like looking at a photo of her face is suddenly going to make him want to be with her instead.

To me this is a massive red flag. Not from him but from you.
It’s a picture of his child and the mother of his child. It’s probably there for the child’s sake. And by just born do you mean literally just born as in one of the happiest moments in his life???

They had the police called on them. And you believe a PICTURE is the issue.

Some people don’t feel the past has to be hidden though. They accept that things change but they still look back on the past happily.

With your updates, it does sound like there are bigger issues really (police, you not feeling secure.) The photo seems to be more like the thing you’re focusing on but the problems are deeper.

@jojobaoil

I think I know I am being quite unreasonable but I can't help how I feel....for me, the past is the past and you don't have images of your ex in plain view when you have a partner. I guess he feels otherwise!

He had covered it up though. And then folded it over. Also when they die this is one of the photos his child will treasure.

You’ve been together a year, you don’t live together, it’s his house. It’s not your place to change the stuff on his walls.

If things develop and you move in together you could suggest putting the photo in his child’s room.

But look at the violence of your reaction and think about whether you’re ready to be in this relationship.

Waiting for a further detail on the drip feed about the police involvement but if things are normally okay between them I’d chill a bit.

But it’s part of his life, his history, his family.

You are being so weird.

It’s heart breaking your kid is going to have no pictures of him, his mum and his dad together, your very selfish!

Police were called as she was drunk when attempting to collect their child and drive home - not really relevant, but they don't have a good relationship.

YABVU.
I had a very acrimonious split with my ex, I wouldn't dream of ripping him off photos. The photos are for DS, not me.

When my Dad turned 70 he was given a collage of photos throughout his life. One of the pics was a family photo of his, his 2 eldest kids and their mum (his 1st wife). My Mum (2nd wife) demanded he removed the pic and get rid of it. My dad was very upset because it was a time period of his life and an important one. She was the mother of his kids. He ended up giving the photo to me to keep because he couldn't throw it away. He never had any remaining feelings for his 1st wife, he'd been married to my mum for 30 years at that point and 1st wife was dead! My mum was being petty and ridiculous.

Why are you so bothered by a photo? It's a moment in time from the past, it doesn't mean he still wants his ex and the fact that she wasn't visible in the frame shows that.

Wait you don’t even live there! Oh my you are a red flag, he should LTB 😂

Op everyone has you’re being unreasonable, even with the drip feed.

YABU.

Ok I get it I'm the crazy partner lol. I think I'm probably skewed because my ex is awful and the thought of having an image of him in my house is absurd - plus I'd think disrespectful to my current partner - apparently not tho!

My parents divorced but they (after years!) became amicable. They both came to my graduation and stood with me for my official photo. It’s one of my most treasured photos.
There’s no feelings between them, they were there for their child. I know the photo was taken when they were together but It’s lovely and comforting for the child to have that in the house.

Oh grow up.

Single mum here and we still have some family photos here of when ex and I were still together. It’s for my children, not me. And they appreciate it too.

I'm sorry but I really don't think you are mature enough to have a relationship with someone who has a child.

thought of having an image of him in my house is absurd your boyfriend hasn't got it massively on display though? Like it's not on the wall? It's tucked away in a frame and her face was covered.

Ugh

They are amicable or they don't have a good relationship

Do you know what amicable means?