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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want partner to have a family picture with his ex

333 replies

jojobaoil · 24/07/2021 21:29

Partner has been split up from his ex for 3 years. They have a child together. I've been with him a year.

He has a picture of the three of them when their child was just born, in a cabinet in his front room. He's had the image there for ages - since I've been with him but there was a piece of card in a heart shape covering her up. Today I saw it had slipped down and I could see her face and I said to him semi light hearted that he needs to get rid and why does he still have a picture with her there. He immediately got up and said he will sort it and folded back the bit with her on it. I was happy at the time.....but now I'm thinking about it, why not remove the picture or rip the part with her on it off...? I might be being unreasonable but they were together for 8 years and I don't understand why he would still want that picture around whether or not she is the mother of his child. They are amicable, not over friendly and I don't think he would go back there but I don't get it. I've thrown out every pic of my child's dad - they sees their dad weekly so won't forget what he looks like!

AIBU for wanting him to get rid? Or am I being silly...

OP posts:

daisypond · 24/07/2021 22:33

@LorryM

Not sure who the other pp are but I stand by it. No need to have pictures of the ex in a communal space when you have decided to enter into a new relationship. If the picture is there for the child’s sake then it can go in their room.

It’s not in a communal space. It’s in the DP’s house. He can put whatever he likes in there.

Maggiesfarm · 24/07/2021 22:34

@jojobaoil

Police were called as she was drunk when attempting to collect their child and drive home - not really relevant, but they don't have a good relationship.

In your first post you said they were amicable.

You don't live with the guy, he can do what he likes in his own home.

Babyboomtastic · 24/07/2021 22:34

@LorryM

Interesting that your only posts on Mumsnet ever are these ones here...

Cherrysherbet · 24/07/2021 22:35

I think you need to grow up.

PrettyBlunt · 24/07/2021 22:35

People can have different opinions which is fine (when they are somewhat sensible) but the two particular posters who are saying he should bin the picture is disgraceful.

LorryM · 24/07/2021 22:35

[quote Babyboomtastic]@LorryM

Interesting that your only posts on Mumsnet ever are these ones here...

[/quote]
Why is that interesting?

Ohanaa · 24/07/2021 22:35

@PrettyBlunt

People can have different opinions which is fine (when they are somewhat sensible) but the two particular posters who are saying he should bin the picture is disgraceful.

You don’t have to agree.

cauliflowerkorma · 24/07/2021 22:35

There are a couple of photos in my house with my ex in. Its more to make our children feel safe and that we are united in our care for them. They are allowed to chat away about Dad as do i.

My partner has never commented and would get short shrift if he did.

We both have been previously married. Removing photographs would do nothing to change that. But i think we are both very secure and have zero feelings towards exes.

If you are not comfortable you need to talk to him to understand his position on it being there.

Beaudalaire · 24/07/2021 22:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

KurtWilde · 24/07/2021 22:36

@SeaShoreGalore

Maybe you could cut your face out of a photo, and stick it over hers?

😂

PrettyBlunt · 24/07/2021 22:37

And I don't you silly goose. I think you need to look at the bigger picture (no pun intended) and think about the child. Which, from your responses I can see you don't give a shit about.

PPCD · 24/07/2021 22:37

You can get rid of the evidence but it doesn't mean it never happened.

DeRigueurMortis · 24/07/2021 22:40

When we first started dating I got a message on FB from someone he was seeing but not in a relationship with, warning me off him, that he's still into his ex. I never got that vibe from him but now I think that he still has that photo among all the other photos of his loved ones...I guess I do feel insecure.

As an adult that's your issue to deal with.

If you feel insecure then end the relationship. It's not working for you.

As a SM I can say that if something as small as a picture is giving you the wobbles then for the love of God, Mary, Joseph and the Wee Fucking Donkey then walk away.

You're not cut out to be a SM.

It's not easy but can be brilliant and worth navigating all the issues but you need a thick skin and a strong sense self, boundaries and what's actually important.

Ohanaa · 24/07/2021 22:40

@PrettyBlunt

And I don't you silly goose. I think you need to look at the bigger picture (no pun intended) and think about the child. Which, from your responses I can see you don't give a shit about.

It’s a picture. The child won’t give a shit about it.

PrettyBlunt · 24/07/2021 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

PeapodBurgundy · 24/07/2021 22:41

@jojobaoil did you feel this way about the picture before you received the message about your DP still being into his ex?

I've skimmed rather than close read the full thread, as things appear to be getting a little heated, but I've seen several people view the picture in the same way as I do; it's a picture of a significant moment in his life, his ex was a part of that irrespective of what has happened since.

If you genuinely feel there's residual attraction, then, in the gentlest way possible, why are you with him?

(For the record I have made some abysmal relationship decisions for a variety of reasons which fluctuate in validity, so I'm in no position to judge; it's more of a 'food for thought' type of question).

Ginger1982 · 24/07/2021 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Ginger1982 · 24/07/2021 22:44

[quote PrettyBlunt]@Ohanaa I gathered that... not even wanting to take your SC to Dinseyworld. You're just as deluded as the OP and bitter.[/quote]
😂😂😂

saraclara · 24/07/2021 22:44

I think it's a shame for his child that he's covered his ex's face up, actually. It's not all that far from ripping it out. What damage can it do?

My PILs had an old photo of my late DH with an ex girlfriend, in a lesser used room. Still there when we'd been married for 35 years! It just used to make me smile. I think it was so much 'part of the furniture' that they didn't even notice!

Almondcroissant25 · 24/07/2021 22:45

‘When we first started dating I got a message on FB from someone he was seeing but not in a relationship with, warning me off him, that he's still into his ex. I never got that vibe from him but now I think that he still has that photo among all the other photos of his loved ones...I guess I do feel insecure’.

^ Now here’s the real issue, you were insecure about the ex from the get go. You need to tackle this issue and learn to trust him. Nobody who feels secure in a relationship would even think twice about a photo like this.

Iloveitall · 24/07/2021 22:46

@NavigationCentral

You want him to rip out the face of the mother of his child from a picture.

Please just think.

Just fucking think.

If you have a child with him, and you guys get a newborn family pic, then you split up - would you want him to resent you enough to rip your face off the pic?

What the actual fuck is wrong with people.

I agree. Something massively wrong with OP.

TidyOmlette · 24/07/2021 22:47

It’s one picture that includes his child. Would you expect your ex to rip up a picture of your family to suit a new gf?

If your not feeling secure in the relationship then getting rid of the picture won’t make a difference.

Lou98 · 24/07/2021 22:48

@jojobaoil

Ok maybe the rip it off bit is OTT I admit but to me it's like he's clinging on to what they had. He has no pictures of me in his house. I feel like an outsider I guess, how can I compete in a sense with what they had...they have an ok relationship at times but recently had an issue where police were called.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you need to get a grip.
It's not like he has a picture of the two of them on date night or a photo of just his ex, it's a photo of the 3 of them when his child was first born. It's a memory that will be in his mind forever as it was the day he became a dad (or became one again if not his first).

What kind of message would it send to his child if he started ripping her out of his pictures. Like it or not, that's the mother of his child. Taking down the picture won't change that, she will always be in his life.

You've been together a year, if he wasn't serious about you he wouldn't still be with you. Having a photo of his baby with him and his mother isn't disrespectful and to be honest if you were my partner making it a big deal saying it needs to be taken down, I'd be rethinking the relationship

Ohanaa · 24/07/2021 22:48

Some people seem touchy tonight. All these deleted messages I don’t have to have the same opinion as you.

It’s just a picture. Bin it and replace it with a new up to date one.

Mydogmylife · 24/07/2021 22:48

@jojobaoil

I think I know I am being quite unreasonable but I can't help how I feel....for me, the past is the past and you don't have images of your ex in plain view when you have a partner. I guess he feels otherwise!

But he doesn't have a photo of his ex in plain view though does he? Her face is covered/ folded away ( ridiculous nonsense) and he had the photo for his child. You really need to take a look at your jealousy/insecurity issues and get a grip

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