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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to have a family picture with his ex

333 replies

jojobaoil · 24/07/2021 21:29

Partner has been split up from his ex for 3 years. They have a child together. I've been with him a year.

He has a picture of the three of them when their child was just born, in a cabinet in his front room. He's had the image there for ages - since I've been with him but there was a piece of card in a heart shape covering her up. Today I saw it had slipped down and I could see her face and I said to him semi light hearted that he needs to get rid and why does he still have a picture with her there. He immediately got up and said he will sort it and folded back the bit with her on it. I was happy at the time.....but now I'm thinking about it, why not remove the picture or rip the part with her on it off...? I might be being unreasonable but they were together for 8 years and I don't understand why he would still want that picture around whether or not she is the mother of his child. They are amicable, not over friendly and I don't think he would go back there but I don't get it. I've thrown out every pic of my child's dad - they sees their dad weekly so won't forget what he looks like!

AIBU for wanting him to get rid? Or am I being silly...

OP posts:
omgthepain · 25/07/2021 20:48

Just think how his child will/would feel seeing their mother removed from the photo

It's hardly like they went to the school and had a photo done all together at the end of last term

You need to get a grip

Skysblue · 25/07/2021 21:35

Yabu. This isn’t about the picture. It was taken at an important moment of his life and he can have a memento of that moment if he wants to.

This is about there being no pictures of you. Dunno how long you have been together but maybe create some memories together and give him a nice print of somewhere special sometime.

StevenYerTeasReady · 25/07/2021 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post.

chunderwunder · 25/07/2021 22:31

@Ohanaa

I'm a widow. My husband died suddenly when our son was four. The pictures we have of his dad are a crucial part of helping him deal with his grief.

If you are ever in our uneviable position you will read the comments you've written on this thread and die of shame.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/07/2021 22:40

[quote chunderwunder]@Ohanaa

I'm a widow. My husband died suddenly when our son was four. The pictures we have of his dad are a crucial part of helping him deal with his grief.

If you are ever in our uneviable position you will read the comments you've written on this thread and die of shame.[/quote]
ThanksThanks

CandyLeBonBon · 26/07/2021 08:08

@aSofaNearYou - who said anyone expected anything? My DP couldn't give two hoots that there are a couple of pictures of my kids with my exH in my house, because he is entirely secure in our relationship. I don't have any pictures of my other ex because I didn't have kids with him so had no need to, and he was an abusive dick, both to me and my dp when he found out I was seeing him - Now THAT would be disrespectful!

CandyLeBonBon · 26/07/2021 08:08

[quote StevenYerTeasReady]@Ohanaa

I agree. I wouldnt care if you were dead either.[/quote]
Charming.

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 08:38

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@aSofaNearYou - who said anyone expected anything? My DP couldn't give two hoots that there are a couple of pictures of my kids with my exH in my house, because he is entirely secure in our relationship. I don't have any pictures of my other ex because I didn't have kids with him so had no need to, and he was an abusive dick, both to me and my dp when he found out I was seeing him - Now THAT would be disrespectful![/quote]
There's a false assumption that anyone that wouldn't want pictures of their partner's ex up is insecure in their relationship. That's not the case at all, I just wouldn't want it up and to see it every day. Absolutely zero to do with how secure I feel.

And I don't agree that having kids means a "need" to have those pictures up in the house. I think that's putting it really strongly. To my mind, it would be far more considerate of everyone in the house to just put the pictures in a drawer, or perhaps an album for the kids to look at. They do not NEED to be up on display. There's a lot of "it's nice for the kids to see mum and dad once loved each other" - well, it would be nice pulled out of a drawer, too, and personally I would care that that might NOT be nice for the partner I've since sought out a relationship with.

A lot of people seem to happily champion only considering the kids, but I'm of the opinion that if you also want a romantic relationship then you need to consider everyone at the same time. There's no reason you can't own photos of your ex for your kids to look at should they want to, without them being on display making your girlfriend uncomfortable.

Ohanaa · 26/07/2021 10:46

[quote StevenYerTeasReady]@Ohanaa

I agree. I wouldnt care if you were dead either.[/quote]
😂 I wouldn’t expect you too.

It is funny though. Iv read comments not nearly as bad as this and they get deleted sharpish but this one is allowed to stay.

Ohanaa · 26/07/2021 10:48

[quote chunderwunder]@Ohanaa

I'm a widow. My husband died suddenly when our son was four. The pictures we have of his dad are a crucial part of helping him deal with his grief.

If you are ever in our uneviable position you will read the comments you've written on this thread and die of shame.[/quote]
This situation isn’t the same as yours though. They are not comparable in the slightest.

Lokdok · 26/07/2021 10:51

@NavigationCentral

You want him to rip out the face of the mother of his child from a picture.

Please just think.

Just fucking think.

If you have a child with him, and you guys get a newborn family pic, then you split up - would you want him to resent you enough to rip your face off the pic?

What the actual fuck is wrong with people.

This! WTAF OP, give your head a wobble. Poor kids involved in this toxic situation. You’re adults, she’s the mother of his kid. Grow up!
aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 10:53

It is funny though. Iv read comments not nearly as bad as this and they get deleted sharpish but this one is allowed to stay.

Yes I thought that. Can't believe MNHQ have allowed that to stay but I think it's quite disgraceful.

And then there's the hypocrisy!

CandyLeBonBon · 27/07/2021 20:11

Ok @aSofaNearYou well my partner said he doesn't feel remotely uncomfortable but thanks for your concern! Grin

Woodmarsh · 27/07/2021 20:29

Oh OP this was never going to go well on mumsnet and definitely not in aibu.

In answer to your question it was perfectly reasonable, maybe he could put the pic in the kids room

Vanilla1Cookies · 28/07/2021 08:28

@aSofaNearYou

It is funny though. Iv read comments not nearly as bad as this and they get deleted sharpish but this one is allowed to stay.

Yes I thought that. Can't believe MNHQ have allowed that to stay but I think it's quite disgraceful.

And then there's the hypocrisy!

That’s MN for you. It’s always the same.
ZigZagCat · 28/07/2021 11:35

@stellaisabella

Christ, I hope he doesn't have a pet rabbit
Grin

In all seriousness, there are some huge red flags raised by the OP and the sock-puppet accounts.

The fella needs to reconsider his choice of bunny boiler partner.

user1481840227 · 29/07/2021 16:55

Personally I would think it was a far bigger red flag if a man actually cut or ripped the mothers face out of such a picture!

I'd think he had major anger issues or still had feelings for her.

The pic you mentioned wouldn't bother me at all. You are coming across as very immature.

More than likely they will be in more 'family' photos as the child gets older, religious ceremonies, graduations etc...as they are still 'family' even if they are not in a relationship.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/07/2021 17:57

God that’s awful OP. You not him.

His child deserves for a picture of the whole family (as they were) to be kept in tact. It’s bad enough their family has been split. Having their mother’s face ripped off a picture???

There’s a couple of pictures on my sons christening in my house with exh in them, one is in ds’s room unsurprisingly, and there’s one on the fridge.

WaterIsBest · 29/07/2021 17:59

You are being very unreasonable

Sad that youve thrown all the pictures of your childs dad away, surely you could of put them in an album for your child to keep?!

Your partner should 100% keep the photo. For his childs sake

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/07/2021 18:05

Well, I'm a bit on your side, actually, OP! There must be many family photos, why choose one to put out downstairs that has both your partner AND his ex on, with the children? Surely if he wants to have a family photo out downstairs, it should be the new family situation, which is your ex with his kids (and you, I suppose, eventually, if you become a serious partner and step mum to the kids). He can let them have one with their mum in their bedroom upstairs.

Plus for all people know, it might make the children to a bit sad to see a photo of when their mum and dad were still together constantly on display.

aliyia84 · 29/07/2021 18:07

I wouldn't cut her out or throw them away, but not sure why they need to be on display when you're in a new relationship. They can be kept somewhere for the child to look at etc. That's what I'd do, out of respect for the new partner.

aliyia84 · 29/07/2021 18:11

@jojobaoil

Police were called as she was drunk when attempting to collect their child and drive home - not really relevant, but they don't have a good relationship.

Christ.

JustLyra · 29/07/2021 18:37

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Well, I'm a bit on your side, actually, OP! There must be many family photos, why choose one to put out downstairs that has both your partner AND his ex on, with the children? Surely if he wants to have a family photo out downstairs, it should be the new family situation, which is your ex with his kids (and you, I suppose, eventually, if you become a serious partner and step mum to the kids). He can let them have one with their mum in their bedroom upstairs.

Plus for all people know, it might make the children to a bit sad to see a photo of when their mum and dad were still together constantly on display.

Surely it’s blatantly obvious why the man wants the photo of his baby as a newborn up?

It’s a massively common to have the first photo of your baby uo in your house

singleagain22 · 29/07/2021 18:40

Yanbu

I would expect him to keep the photo. No one says he has to destroy all memories.

But why keep it on display? Especially with her covered up.

It's time for a new photo with him and his dd only.