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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to have a family picture with his ex

333 replies

jojobaoil · 24/07/2021 21:29

Partner has been split up from his ex for 3 years. They have a child together. I've been with him a year.

He has a picture of the three of them when their child was just born, in a cabinet in his front room. He's had the image there for ages - since I've been with him but there was a piece of card in a heart shape covering her up. Today I saw it had slipped down and I could see her face and I said to him semi light hearted that he needs to get rid and why does he still have a picture with her there. He immediately got up and said he will sort it and folded back the bit with her on it. I was happy at the time.....but now I'm thinking about it, why not remove the picture or rip the part with her on it off...? I might be being unreasonable but they were together for 8 years and I don't understand why he would still want that picture around whether or not she is the mother of his child. They are amicable, not over friendly and I don't think he would go back there but I don't get it. I've thrown out every pic of my child's dad - they sees their dad weekly so won't forget what he looks like!

AIBU for wanting him to get rid? Or am I being silly...

OP posts:
ivfgottwins · 25/07/2021 07:27

I guarantee you OP she'll be around much longer than you

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 07:27

Sorry - totally unreasonable. She isn't just an ex, she is the mother of his child and as such will always essentially be family to him

Well this simply isn't true for all, my DPs ex is 100% NOT family to him. This is not how everybody is with their exes regardless of kids.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 07:34

@ivfgottwins

I guarantee you OP she'll be around much longer than you
Why do people have to be so bloody unpleasant.
wallpapering · 25/07/2021 07:45

Maybe because it’s not really happening.

Direstraitsmates · 25/07/2021 08:03

That's a picture of what is probably the most important moment of his life and he shared that moment with her. Why would he rip her face out of it?

LynetteScavo · 25/07/2021 08:04

You sound insecure in the relationship.

Think of it from the child's POV for a second and then grow up. It's hardly their wedding day photo.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 08:04

@wallpapering

Maybe because it’s not really happening.
Eh?
ivfgottwins · 25/07/2021 08:06

@aSofaNearYou

Yes almost as unpleasant as a woman whose been with a father 5 minutes expecting him to airbrush out the existence of the mother of his child 🤔

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 08:14

[quote ivfgottwins]@aSofaNearYou

Yes almost as unpleasant as a woman whose been with a father 5 minutes expecting him to airbrush out the existence of the mother of his child 🤔[/quote]
No, the comments on this thread have been much more unpleasant than that.

I wouldn't throw the photo away or destroy them but I do think it would be more considerate towards subsequent partners to accept that they shouldn't be up in the living room and either pop them in a box or put them in the child's room. Given OP has also been warned off this man due to him potentially still being in love with his ex, I don't think it's remotely surprising she feels uncomfortable.

She's been with him for a year, not 5 minutes.

What's more, OP conceded very early on in the thread that she was probably being insecure. Seeing that there was already a massive pile on here and feeling the need to leave the comment you left was just nasty.

rantymcrantface66 · 25/07/2021 08:21

They have a child together and you want her ripped from the picture? Wow! I hope the child doesn't visit the home?!

Restlessinthenorth · 25/07/2021 08:27

I certainly don't consider my ex (father of my children) in any way a part of my family. Equally, my partner does not consider his ex wife (mother of his daughter) any part of his family. It would be a deal breaker for either of us if we did. I would feel totally freaked out if my kids said their father had a photo of me in his house also!

I'm afraid all these women who seem so upset about first wives being "erased" sound rather bitter.

Blossomtoes · 25/07/2021 08:38

The other day my son sent me a photo his dad had given him of our wedding day. He’s been married to his current wife for 40 years and kept it all this time. Bet that’s blown some of your minds!

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 08:40

@Blossomtoes

The other day my son sent me a photo his dad had given him of our wedding day. He’s been married to his current wife for 40 years and kept it all this time. Bet that’s blown some of your minds!
It's not blown my mind. But I would consider it pretty unkind to his wife if he kept it up in his living room all this time.
Pingued · 25/07/2021 08:42

@Blossomtoes

The other day my son sent me a photo his dad had given him of our wedding day. He’s been married to his current wife for 40 years and kept it all this time. Bet that’s blown some of your minds!
I am assuming it wasn't proudly on display in the mantlepiece.
ohthatbloodycat · 25/07/2021 08:42

YABU and a bit unhinged over this. Sorry!

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 08:49

@Restlessinthenorth

I certainly don't consider my ex (father of my children) in any way a part of my family. Equally, my partner does not consider his ex wife (mother of his daughter) any part of his family. It would be a deal breaker for either of us if we did. I would feel totally freaked out if my kids said their father had a photo of me in his house also!

I'm afraid all these women who seem so upset about first wives being "erased" sound rather bitter.

I think there's a lot of truth here. I think a lot of people on here live in a bit of a bubble of confirmation bias and don't realise that their way of seeing and doing things is as alien to some as the reverse is to them. In real life I don't know very many people who would be happy for their partner to keep pictures of their ex wife up and consider her family (with a sense of rage towards the suggestion otherwise.) Has it occurred to people that when they say "if my partner objected to this then I would bin him", that they are also being avoided in return? Because them running their lives that way would be a deal breaker for a great many people. It just would.

Fine if that's what you want to do, but not wrong, uncommon or insecure for potential partners to therefore give you a wide berth.

Maskless · 25/07/2021 08:50

It's worrying that you see yourself as being 'in competition' (your choice of word) for him. And feeling that you have to compete for him against someone he split up with long before you met him is pathetic. Pull yourself together, woman.

Maskless · 25/07/2021 08:55

PS I was with a man for 8 yrs. When I first went to his house he had on a bookshelf a photo of him and his g/f standing at the front door the day they moved in, 25 years ago. No children involved, he just wanted a memento of the day he took possession of the the house.

In 8 yrs it never once bothered me thathe had a photo of her in his living room. Not even when we had sex on the sofa in her line of sight!

MzHz · 25/07/2021 08:57

@NavigationCentral

You want him to rip out the face of the mother of his child from a picture.

Please just think.

Just fucking think.

If you have a child with him, and you guys get a newborn family pic, then you split up - would you want him to resent you enough to rip your face off the pic?

What the actual fuck is wrong with people.

This !
Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 08:59

@aSofaNearYou

Sorry - totally unreasonable. She isn't just an ex, she is the mother of his child and as such will always essentially be family to him

Well this simply isn't true for all, my DPs ex is 100% NOT family to him. This is not how everybody is with their exes regardless of kids.

Yes but presumably you live with your partner and have been with him for some time.

The op has had a lockdown relationship for a year and doesn't live with him.

No comparison.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 09:00

*Yes but presumably you live with your partner and have been with him for some time.

The op has had a lockdown relationship for a year and doesn't live with him.

No comparison.*

Yes but that's not really relevant to whether he views his ex as family, is it? That was stated as an inevitable fact, which it really isn't.

SD1978 · 25/07/2021 09:04

I would find it much more disturbing, if he's ripped her out- and your expectation he does is seriously fecked up. It's the birth of his child. She exists. And she will always be a part of his life, because she is the mother of his child. If you can't accept that, and one photo, then a year or not, you're probably not going to go far in the relationship.

ittakes2 · 25/07/2021 09:19

YABU - he may want to give it to his child at some point.

TheNoodlesIncident · 25/07/2021 09:33

But surely the photo of them with their newborn baby has no bearing on how they feel about each other today? if it was a photo of just them without their mutual child, like a wedding photo or similar, then I could understand a new partner feeling twitchy about it being out on display, even if not prominently. But not a photo of a brand new family, that's a very momentous occasion, not worth getting het up over.

Besides, if he's holding a candle for her still, he wouldn't be ringing the police as she was intending to drive the child home whilst she was drunk and not capable. That he was prepared for that to happen, he's not harbouring secret longings. He also promptly folded the photo to please you, when you noticed that the cover had slipped. I do think you're worrying needlessly about this.

shrodingersbiscuit · 25/07/2021 09:39

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