Page 12 | To not want partner to have a family picture with his ex

jojobaoil · 2021-07-24T20:29:41+00:00

Partner has been split up from his ex for 3 years. They have a child together. I've been with him a year. He has a picture of the three of them when their child was just born, in a cabinet in his front room. He's had the image there for ages - since I've been with him but there was a piece of card in a heart shape covering her up. Today I saw it had slipped down and I could see her face and I said to him semi light hearted that he needs to get rid and why does he still have a picture with her there. He immediately got up and said he will sort it and folded back the bit with her on it. I was happy at the time.....but now I'm thinking about it, why not remove the picture or rip the part with her on it off...? I might be being unreasonable but they were together for 8 years and I don't understand why he would still want that picture around whether or not she is the mother of his child. They are amicable, not over friendly and I don't think he would go back there but I don't get it. I've thrown out every pic of my child's dad - they sees their dad weekly so won't forget what he looks like! AIBU for wanting him to get rid? Or am I being silly...

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 12:53

@CatsArePeople

Tbh that sounds quite disrespectful towards your mum.

It's not mum's house.

Yes but my she said her mum hates it. I wouldn't keep up photos from someone else's marriage when I know it makes them unhappy, just because I think it's more important me and my kids get to have them. I would keep it in an album/box so my mum didn't have to feel that way.

LudicrouslySavage · 25/07/2021 13:05

I am all for people keeping photos of them and their ex with their children for the children. My Dad and my Mum have a terrible relationship post divorce, really really dislike each other. But they still kept all the photos of them when I was younger (and even ones from before I was born) and gave them all to me / let me look at them whenever I wanted as a child.

However, I do think having one on display is a bit much personally and I know my parents never would have done that especially when their new partners came along. I don't have pictures up in my house of my ex and neither does DH and I think both of us would think it odd if we did even though we both know there's some boxes / albums in the loft with both exes in!

LudicrouslySavage · 25/07/2021 13:06

With photos of both exes in that should have said. We don't keep our exes in boxes in the loft 🤣

Just10moreminutesplease · 25/07/2021 13:44

It’s part of his history. Fair enough you don’t want her photo on display but I think it would be sad if he got rid of it. No matter what’s happened since, that was the day his child was born and that memory naturally includes his child’s mother.

To be honest, I would be more worried that he harboured feelings if he destroyed all his photos... that kind of behaviour could suggest that he finds looking at photos of them together painful, in a way happily separated people wouldn’t.

StevenYerTeasReady · 25/07/2021 16:00

@ohanaa

"He should of got rid a long time ago."

I couldn't agree more, apart from the fact theyveo only been together a year, so he couldn't have got rid that long ago. I'd certainly be getting rid now though.

Ginger1982 · 25/07/2021 16:13

@Ohanaa

You do realise some people, like me have already lost a parent young so really appreciate childhood pictures? You're a piece of work, you really are.

TwoBrownSugars · 25/07/2021 17:19

Different people have different feelings about pictures of ex. I can only imagine it gets so much more complex with kids involved. I have some old pictures of me with ex, but not on display in our house. Same for DH and his ex-wife.

My DHs elderly parents do have a large extended family photo taken on holidays in their living room, and DH ex-wife is in it. It's a lovely photo from the villa they were sharing. I've been told that the guy and girl standing next to the ex-wife are the persons she shagged on the holiday (apparently they'd invite her to drop in next door for a glass of white wine in the afternoon!)

TeaDrinker98 · 25/07/2021 17:30

@jojobaoil

Ok maybe the rip it off bit is OTT I admit but to me it's like he's clinging on to what they had. He has no pictures of me in his house. I feel like an outsider I guess, how can I compete in a sense with what they had...they have an ok relationship at times but recently had an issue where police were called.

When we first started dating I got a message on FB from someone he was seeing but not in a relationship with, warning me off him, that he's still into his ex. I never got that vibe from him but now I think that he still has that photo among all the other photos of his loved ones...I guess I do feel insecure.

@jojobaoil

You're not wrong to feel how you feel. Nobody is ever 'wrong' to feel a certain way, but your feelings are irrational. I think you know that 😊

I think this is more about you than the photo to be honest. Perhaps you have trust issues? Have you been hurt before? If so, I'm so sorry.

Try to focus on why you're feeling this way please. Try to figure out why this is bothering you. This is about you digging down and understanding your feelings better, and therefore figuring out more about yourself :) delve deep and be kind to yourself in the process, please. I think other people on this threat could do with being a bit kinder too.

You're not a bad person at all

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 25/07/2021 17:56

Wtf?!
Grow up op.

lilmishap · 25/07/2021 18:04

Did not realise people took photos with the intention of defacing/destroying them at a later date

Seems there is no reason to take photos then

Ohanaa · 25/07/2021 18:09

@LagunaBubbles

It’s a picture. The child won’t give a shit about it

Loving the arrogance that just because you wouldn't everyone else must think like you.

Some do. Some don’t.

Oh well.

Ohanaa · 25/07/2021 18:10

[quote Ginger1982]@Ohanaa

You do realise some people, like me have already lost a parent young so really appreciate childhood pictures? You're a piece of work, you really are.[/quote]
Talk about over dramatic.

Ginger1982 · 25/07/2021 18:15

@Ohanaa

How is it overdramatic? If you died and your DH remarried would you want your children to have no pictures of you all together? But then it's clear you wish your DH would just forget he ever had a child before you came along.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/07/2021 18:19

I still have a picture of me with my exh and kids dotted around (only 1 or two small ones) for my kids to see, amongst several billion others of just the kids. My partner couldn't give a shit. It's nice for my kids to see that me and ExH were happy together once and it's a part of my/our/their shared history. It really doesn't mean anything other than that. Try not to overthink it OP

CandyLeBonBon · 25/07/2021 18:21

@LudicrouslySavage

With photos of both exes in that should have said. We don't keep our exes in boxes in the loft 🤣

I think there are certain circumstances where that might be considered acceptable! 😂

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 18:30

@CandyLeBonBon

I still have a picture of me with my exh and kids dotted around (only 1 or two small ones) for my kids to see, amongst several billion others of just the kids. My partner couldn't give a shit. It's nice for my kids to see that me and ExH were happy together once and it's a part of my/our/their shared history. It really doesn't mean anything other than that. Try not to overthink it OP

I have exes who are part of my history but I would still consider it pretty disrespectful to expect my DP to have photos of them up around the house, and I would also feel no desire to do so myself. I think that is already thinking about it deep enough tbh, it's not really a comfort. I don't want pictures of my DPs ex up to celebrate his history, in the same way he would not in return.

Chippingbird23 · 25/07/2021 18:42

If you are like this over a picture of the mother of his child then goodness knows what you will be like for other things. Talk about insecure and jealous. Get over it

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/07/2021 18:42

Wow @Ohanaa I can't believe you called someone over dramatic when they mentioned having lost their parent. You're either a troll on a wind up or just a very cruel person. It's pathetic really, I feel sorry for you in a way.

dopeyduck · 25/07/2021 18:46

@NavigationCentral

You want him to rip out the face of the mother of his child from a picture.

Please just think.

Just fucking think.

If you have a child with him, and you guys get a newborn family pic, then you split up - would you want him to resent you enough to rip your face off the pic?

What the actual fuck is wrong with people.

Yep - this.

YABVU!

Do you have children? Is so I'm shocked you can't understand this and if you don't then one day it's going to make sense

dopeyduck · 25/07/2021 18:48

@jojobaoil

Ok maybe the rip it off bit is OTT I admit but to me it's like he's clinging on to what they had. He has no pictures of me in his house. I feel like an outsider I guess, how can I compete in a sense with what they had...they have an ok relationship at times but recently had an issue where police were called.

When we first started dating I got a message on FB from someone he was seeing but not in a relationship with, warning me off him, that he's still into his ex. I never got that vibe from him but now I think that he still has that photo among all the other photos of his loved ones...I guess I do feel insecure.

Oh I see - it's because you're jealous.

Grow up & sort your own relationship problems out instead of projecting on to his ex

LudicrouslySavage · 25/07/2021 19:07

Do you have children? Is so I'm shocked you can't understand this and if you don't then one day it's going to make sense

Why because all parents think the same way?

I have children and I wouldn't have a photo of my ex husband on display in my home with now DH.

I would absolutely keep the photos to give to my child/ let them look at, but I don't think it's shocking that they wouldn't be up in a frame in our house and that neither of us would want that either.

Telling poster's it'll all make sense when they have children is so rude.

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 19:14

The fact is, the op's boyfriend didn't have a photo of his ex blatantly displayed. It was a picture of his new born baby, the mother was obscured by a cardboard heart. If the heart hadn't slipped, there would have been no problem.

He will probably secure it a bit better now to avoid offending his girlfriend. Or put it somewhere out of the way when she comes round.

Ohanaa · 25/07/2021 19:41

[quote Ginger1982]@Ohanaa

How is it overdramatic? If you died and your DH remarried would you want your children to have no pictures of you all together? But then it's clear you wish your DH would just forget he ever had a child before you came along. [/quote]
I don’t think I’d really care as I’d be dead

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 19:43

@LudicrouslySavage

Do you have children? Is so I'm shocked you can't understand this and if you don't then one day it's going to make sense

Why because all parents think the same way?

I have children and I wouldn't have a photo of my ex husband on display in my home with now DH.

I would absolutely keep the photos to give to my child/ let them look at, but I don't think it's shocking that they wouldn't be up in a frame in our house and that neither of us would want that either.

Telling poster's it'll all make sense when they have children is so rude.

Hear hear!

Ginger1982 · 25/07/2021 19:59

You can't reason with people who have had empathy bypasses.