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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to have a family picture with his ex

333 replies

jojobaoil · 24/07/2021 21:29

Partner has been split up from his ex for 3 years. They have a child together. I've been with him a year.

He has a picture of the three of them when their child was just born, in a cabinet in his front room. He's had the image there for ages - since I've been with him but there was a piece of card in a heart shape covering her up. Today I saw it had slipped down and I could see her face and I said to him semi light hearted that he needs to get rid and why does he still have a picture with her there. He immediately got up and said he will sort it and folded back the bit with her on it. I was happy at the time.....but now I'm thinking about it, why not remove the picture or rip the part with her on it off...? I might be being unreasonable but they were together for 8 years and I don't understand why he would still want that picture around whether or not she is the mother of his child. They are amicable, not over friendly and I don't think he would go back there but I don't get it. I've thrown out every pic of my child's dad - they sees their dad weekly so won't forget what he looks like!

AIBU for wanting him to get rid? Or am I being silly...

OP posts:
DinosaurDuvet · 25/07/2021 00:11

YBVVVVU, sorry OP

CrazyNeighbour · 25/07/2021 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wallpapering · 25/07/2021 00:22

1st 🎣, 2nd 🦇 💩 3rd 🐐

Got 6weeks still of summer holidays

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 25/07/2021 00:24

Ain’t that the truth 🦇

Livingintheclouds · 25/07/2021 00:34

My husband was married to his ex for 20 years and they had two kids together. In his study, along with other photos, was one with his ex pregnant with their second child and him holding their eldest. They all look happy. Never bothered me.
Your partner's ex was a huge part of his life and they share a child. You are not going to erase that time. Get over it.

Themeparklover · 25/07/2021 00:56

All of you on here are wrong no he shouldn't rip or bin the photo but it also shouldn't be up and visible over a year into the relationship with a new partner who he potentially shares his house with, he needs to put it away in a drawer for when the child is old enough to see it , OP isn't an extra in his old families life she is his new family and the ex partner is the past regardless of being the mother

Nicknacky · 25/07/2021 01:02

@Themeparklover A girlfriend of a year isn’t a new family and they don’t live together….

hawkehurstgang · 25/07/2021 03:38

You're being silly! Cutting her out would be a bit unhinged. Folding her over is even a bit much. It's lovely that they're in a good place

StardewMelons · 25/07/2021 03:46

When I split my my kids dad (they were a baby and a toddler at the time), I took the 2 pictures he was in down within a month, maybe less... (for context it was abusive).. But I think I would have done the same if things were on good terms.. life goes on and I wouldn't like to live in the past and see photos with my ex while enjoying my morning coffee, ... just put them away incase kids want to see them... Anyway OP might have come across a tad unhinged in her posts... But I don't think I would want to be in a serious relationship where the person has their ex in loveheart frames out on display, especially if it became "my home" also.

Merrymumoftwo · 25/07/2021 03:50

My mum did this when she and my dad split up. Destroyed every picture with my dad in it, I’m doing so she ended up with no pictures of any of us as babies. She never stopped being angry at him, he cheated. She did regret destroying the pictures as she became a grandmother and was unable to share pictures of us as babies with our children and had a tough time when asked if she hated her children too. We told her as nicely as we could that we understood her anger and pain but we were all sad they only childhood pictures of us were from school age, which were few and far between as we struggled financially. Food was obviously more important (quite rightly). My siblings and I have lost our mum now and have very little to show our children of family history as a result of a decision to destroy rather than place away

StardewMelons · 25/07/2021 04:07

@Merrymumoftwo My dad is in his mid 80s, I am 30 now, and he went out of his way to photograph and keep everything, he even kept all mine and my sibling school reports, photos going back to him being a baby!! (Well one or 2 black and white ones) .. he has it all to this day. 1000's, treasured. Me and my siblings can all watch back through the years of our lifes. They are all stored away in drawers in his home, grateful for it :)... He never had pictures of my mum around the house on display, I wouldnt have expected him too.

Noterook · 25/07/2021 04:18

It's sad that you're thrown out all of the photos of your children's dad, perhaps they wanted them. If it was just a photo of her then that's perhaps odd, but he probably has it up as it was a family photo taken with his child.

Restlessinthenorth · 25/07/2021 04:35

I'm with you OP, I think you have been treated very harshly on this thread. I would not for a second want a pic of my partners ex wife up in his house; in fact I think it's odd that he wants it there. Put it away for the child should they ever want it? Sure. Let the child have it in their room if they want? Sure.

In real life, outside the crazy world on Mumsnet, I don't know a single person who would think this was normal or who would tolerate it in a year long relationship. I'd be very put off going to his house if he didn't realise that having it there is unnecessary and actually quite inconsiderate to you. I wouldn't dream of having a picture of my ex in the house and we are very amicable and the kids are really secure. He sounds weird (and I think the heart on her face sounds quite creepy)

StardewMelons · 25/07/2021 04:47

@Restlessinthenorth I don't know the age range of mumsnet, but the only people I know who keep photos up for years and years without ever switching it up, is elderly people. Im 30 and the photos I have with my 13 and 10 year old with their dad are stored digitally... Yes I have 1 or 2 baby toddler pics of my kids around the house, I will put the odd school picture up.. its not a permenant thing you do or your house would be overrun with photos Hmm lol Thats me though.

shouldistop · 25/07/2021 06:26

@Themeparklover she's his girlfriend, not his new family. They don't live together and they're not engaged etc.

shouldistop · 25/07/2021 06:30

@Ohanaa so both of your parents are still alive. Lucky you, you might feel differently about those photographs when one of them dies.

Pingued · 25/07/2021 06:35

I think this is bat shit. The child isn’t entitled to the pictures and most likely will give them a half glance at most once in their life🤣

When their parents are dead that photo could be one of the child's most special possessions.

Pingued · 25/07/2021 06:38

@Merrymumoftwo I am so sorry. They could easily have been put in a box for you to have later in life.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 06:52

I totally get why it bothers you, I'm a step mum and wouldn't enjoy that being up in the house I share or visit to see my partner. Personally I think out of courtesy (and certainly once things are serious and the home is shared) those photos ought to have been put in a box, and he should have put one up that was just of him and DC.

I will say though that from his perspective he probably just looks at it and thinks purely of himself and DC. It's more for your sake that he ought to think about whether it's nice to keep it up.

Katela18 · 25/07/2021 06:59

Sorry - totally unreasonable. She isn't just an ex, she is the mother of his child and as such will always essentially be family to him.

He has the picture most likely because it means something to him in relation to the child. Don't make him remove it, or cut out his ex. Imagine how that would feel for the child to see that.

Maybe what you need to be considering is whether you can deal with the fact his child will always be his priority and at times that might mean he needs to have more involvement with his ex than you'd like

unidentifed · 25/07/2021 07:02

@NavigationCentral

You want him to rip out the face of the mother of his child from a picture.

Please just think.

Just fucking think.

If you have a child with him, and you guys get a newborn family pic, then you split up - would you want him to resent you enough to rip your face off the pic?

What the actual fuck is wrong with people.

Totally this.

YABU and a twat.

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 07:02

People seem to be forgetting that the op does not live with her boyfriend and she has only been with him a year, most of which I imagine would have been difficult due to lockdown.She is not a stepmother. In those circumstances it is still a fairly new relationship.

Scarby9 · 25/07/2021 07:03

A friend (divorced a good 15 years+) still has a wedding photo of her and her ex husband up on her wall. He is remarried, she definitely does not still have any romantic feelings for him.

It is there to show their children that they were born out of love and that their parents did once love one another. It is the photo that one of the boys, as a child, once looked at and said 'Mummy, daddy happy'.

Chachachawoo · 25/07/2021 07:08

Was picking my friend up from a play date. The mum invited me in. There was an old family pic of this mum as a small girl, with her parents and brother. At first I thought it was folds and then I realised it had been stuck back together from being torn.
She obviously saw me looking at it and said: "that's the only one I've got. I picked up the pieces and stuck it back together bc I wanted one memory of my family together."

I wouldn't like a picture of an ex either but honestly, leave the picture alone and deal with whatever is bothering you.

supersonicginandtonic · 25/07/2021 07:22

Wow just wow!

I've got loads of pictures of my older 2 with their dad. I was with him for 15 years, so a massive chunk of my life. I'm not going to erase history and my partner would not expect me too.
The kids have pictures of him up in their rooms and there's a photo of them with both parents in the hallway. I haven't deleted his photos off Facebook either.
We still do things together, parents evening, birthday parties etc and I still buy him Christmas abd birthday presents from the kids and him vice versa. We regularly have pictures with the kids at these events too.

In my opinion you are being very unreasonable: