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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to have a family picture with his ex

333 replies

jojobaoil · 24/07/2021 21:29

Partner has been split up from his ex for 3 years. They have a child together. I've been with him a year.

He has a picture of the three of them when their child was just born, in a cabinet in his front room. He's had the image there for ages - since I've been with him but there was a piece of card in a heart shape covering her up. Today I saw it had slipped down and I could see her face and I said to him semi light hearted that he needs to get rid and why does he still have a picture with her there. He immediately got up and said he will sort it and folded back the bit with her on it. I was happy at the time.....but now I'm thinking about it, why not remove the picture or rip the part with her on it off...? I might be being unreasonable but they were together for 8 years and I don't understand why he would still want that picture around whether or not she is the mother of his child. They are amicable, not over friendly and I don't think he would go back there but I don't get it. I've thrown out every pic of my child's dad - they sees their dad weekly so won't forget what he looks like!

AIBU for wanting him to get rid? Or am I being silly...

OP posts:
hennybeans · 25/07/2021 09:45

My parents divorced when I was one. My dad later died when I was nine. Thank goodness my dm wasn't like you, op, or I'd have no photos of my df and hardly remember what he looks like. Yabu.

weleasewoderick23 · 25/07/2021 09:46

My exh got rid of all photos of me, him and my ds in temper. Then exh died and there was nothing from his house that ds could keep and he's very upset about it. Luckily, I've got photo's etc but it's not the same.
Get a grip op 😡

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 25/07/2021 09:51

No don't ask him to rip the picture up or take it down.

I've dated loads of men with families from an ex and I can't say I've never once thought about the odd picture of them together with the children. That's the children's family them, mum and dad. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I mean if he had a shrine, loads of pictures candles and satin curtains I'd be a bit 🤨 ok then.

But one picture....no.

saraclara · 25/07/2021 10:24

It's his house. OP doesn't live there. He can have whatever photos he likes in it. It's ridiculous to claim that OP has any say in what he should or should not have in sight.

OhGiveUp · 25/07/2021 10:38

If a bloke threw any of my personal possessions in the bin, he would be binned too, whatever my relationship with him was.
You need to work on your own issues op.
If you can't handle a photo, then you're certainly not going to be able to handle any stepkids....... assuming that your relationship makes it that far, which I doubt.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 10:45

@OhGiveUp

If a bloke threw any of my personal possessions in the bin, he would be binned too, whatever my relationship with him was. You need to work on your own issues op. If you can't handle a photo, then you're certainly not going to be able to handle any stepkids....... assuming that your relationship makes it that far, which I doubt.
About handling step kids, I really don't think that's true. I'm fine with my SC but it would be a big no to pictures of his mum up in the living room. The two are not the same.

OP also has her own kid so it's unlikely she couldn't handle the idea of SC.

Thehop · 25/07/2021 10:50

He’s not your partner. He’s your boyfriend.

I hope you haven’t met this child because you honestly don’t sound mature enough to be a step parent.

Restlessinthenorth · 25/07/2021 10:54

@Thehop why do you get to decide that he's not her partner! How presumptuous. Living together Is not the only measure of the depth/nature of a relationship.

Ultimately OP, you are entitled to have and maintain your boundaries. If having a photo of an ex on display crosses that boundary (and it MASSIVELY would for me) then ask him to do something about it. If he won't, respect it and make your decision from there.

LagunaBubbles · 25/07/2021 11:14

It’s a picture. The child won’t give a shit about it

Loving the arrogance that just because you wouldn't everyone else must think like you.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 25/07/2021 11:26

@jojobaoil

Ok maybe the rip it off bit is OTT I admit but to me it's like he's clinging on to what they had. He has no pictures of me in his house. I feel like an outsider I guess, how can I compete in a sense with what they had...they have an ok relationship at times but recently had an issue where police were called.

When we first started dating I got a message on FB from someone he was seeing but not in a relationship with, warning me off him, that he's still into his ex. I never got that vibe from him but now I think that he still has that photo among all the other photos of his loved ones...I guess I do feel insecure.

"Compete"

There's your entire problem summed up in one word. You need to do a lot of growing up, this attitude you have is pretty pathetic and won't do yourself or your relationship any favours.

Restlessinthenorth · 25/07/2021 11:26

@LagunaBubbles totally agree! My kids do not give a shiny shit about any of my photos, especially ones of me with their dad. They are stored away in a box in case one day they do, rather than on display as life has moved on!!!!

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 11:34

@Thehop

He’s not your partner. He’s your boyfriend.

I hope you haven’t met this child because you honestly don’t sound mature enough to be a step parent.

I agree. Not because the op doesn't live with him, I accept people have non-live-in partners and that often works well, but she has only been with him for a year and most of the year has been in lockdown. She is even more definitely not a step parent.

Her boyfriend did not flaunt the photograph of his ex, in fact he covered up the ex but the cardboard with which he covered it fell off.

Mommabear20 · 25/07/2021 11:36

Jeez! It's 1 picture from a very special moment in his life! It's not like it's a wedding picture or them kissing, it's a family picture for his kid! It's his house!

I have pictures of my parents together up in my house, they're divorced, and my mum hates it! But it's not for her, it's for my kids and me!

thelastgoldeneagle · 25/07/2021 11:41

Yabu! Your reaction of getting rid of all photos with your ex in them is really weird - your poor kids.

I think it's pretty weird of your partner to put cardboard over his ex's face 🙄 - what's that all about?

You should be adult enough to keep photos of you and your exes in happy times.

thelastgoldeneagle · 25/07/2021 11:44

You can't rewrite your history or deny that it ever happened, especially when children are involved. You're denying their history too!

You've only been together a year - that's no time.

CatsArePeople · 25/07/2021 11:51

WTF did i just read? Confused
If you are uncomfortable about the picture of display, maybe suggest moving it to child's room. But ripping it? Batshit

TabithaTiger · 25/07/2021 11:56

YABU. I can't stand my ex, but I've still got photos with him in from when my DC were born. These are precious memories, you can't erase history. Do you have photos with ex partners on your Facebook timeline?

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 11:57

@thelastgoldeneagle

You can't rewrite your history or deny that it ever happened, especially when children are involved. You're denying their history too!

You've only been together a year - that's no time.

It's not really about denying it happened, it's just not something a new partner is going to want to look at every day. It's a bit dramatic to say that's the same thing as denying it ever happened.

Though I do totally agree that ripping it up isn't necessary. But having it up in the living room making your girlfriend uncomfortable isn't necessary either.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 11:58

I have pictures of my parents together up in my house, they're divorced, and my mum hates it! But it's not for her, it's for my kids and me!

Tbh that sounds quite disrespectful towards your mum.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 25/07/2021 12:03

'I might be being unreasonable but they were together for 8 years and I don't understand why he would still want that picture around whether or not she is the mother of his child.'

This bit in particular convinced me it must be a reverse; that it appears not to be is appalling. Grow up, OP. With almost indecent haste, just - grow the hell up.

aspadeaspade · 25/07/2021 12:11

It sounds like things didn't work out between them, as opposed to at least one of them is criminally insane and/or abusive. In which case, no matter what things are like now, it's nice to remember that the child was born out of love and not a giant shit show.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 12:17

@aspadeaspade

It sounds like things didn't work out between them, as opposed to at least one of them is criminally insane and/or abusive. In which case, no matter what things are like now, it's nice to remember that the child was born out of love and not a giant shit show.
You know there has been such a strong narrative of this on this thread. I get that, I do, but is there actually any reason why that "remembering" needs to happen in the living room, where it's making your current partner uncomfortable? Are people really that unwilling to make small compromises to accommodate their desire to be in a new relationship, that they couldn't put it in an album or something?
WhatAShilohPitt · 25/07/2021 12:26

That bond of being parents together doesn’t disappear so expecting him to rip out the mother’s face from a picture with their own child because you’re insecure is ridiculous.

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 12:39

He covered his ex wife's face in the picture, unfortunately the cover slipped off. He's probably replaced it by now.

The op is not his partner, she is his girlfriend of approximately one year which includes lockdown.

If they were an established couple and living together it is likely he'd put the photograph in a box somewhere but right now, there's no need.

CatsArePeople · 25/07/2021 12:47

Tbh that sounds quite disrespectful towards your mum.

It's not mum's house.