To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

[honestjon]

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

I've not read it fully but I'm very well aware of the content, and have dealt with the fall out from many people who have read it and found it entirely unhelpful.

“The fall out”?! Christ I’m not suggesting she join a cult, just read a book. Dramatic much?

* VelvetSpoon* I disagree.

Asking for reassurance early on in a relationship tends to kill the thrill almost instantly in my experience.

You wer not needy. His response literally said it all, if a mans interested properly he would be wanting to lock you in completely no matter what else is going on in his life not keeping his options open and telling you he thinks you are expecting too much from him.
Get rid, you are not a priority and he needs a shock that treating women like this is very unattractive.

I've only read the OP's posts, but I'd tend to agree with her view on this one. There's a time and a place to back off and it's not when you've just spent the night with someone (though I understand some men back off after sex naturally and instinctively, but OP said they'd had sex before).

What are you looking for OP? If it's love, marriage, babies, I'd probably sack it off. If it's just fun then maybe keep going but keep other irons in the fire.

I'm glad I've been married a million years as dating today sounds nightmarish.

If it's the right relationship, seeking reassurance in the way the OP has outlined won't make a jot of difference or kill anything that wasn't going to wither and die anyway.

Better to ask and get an answer even if you don't like it than to be left wondering.

So he's basically had sec with you and an overnight stay, decided it wasn't for him particularly, so he's now reduced his contact but is still keeping you dangling.

I'd have had the rage at ' you're a person who needs a lot of contact' and I'd have shown just how much contact I needed by dumping him

You can tell yourself that his reasons for reduced contact are legit but he never had this scenario beforehand did he? Is he a surgeon, in theatre?

I'd be chucking this one back in the pond I think

There's absolutely nothing wrong in asking for clarity. It's not 'needy', or any other disparaging term used to describe a woman who wants adult, upfront communication.
If a man is old enough to be having a relationship, he's old enough to show good manners and not just go cold. Women should absolutely challenge that behaviour and not make excuses for men or imply there's something wrong with a woman who doesn't feel the need to play games.

OP, I think it's clear that you aren't a priority for him - he's told you in a weasely, gaslighty way. I'd move on - you deserve to be on a relationship with a mature, upfront man.

OP, I think you’re getting an unreasonably hard time on here!

If a man has been intimate with you and spent the night, then you’re well within your rights to clarify whatever you need clarifying! Fuck me is there some sort of ‘bible’ that tells you what you can/ cannot say?
If you need clarification (and to be frank I would if someone went from full on messaging to silence), then you’re well within your rights to get that clarity. If that is perceived as ‘needy’ then he can jog on. Life is far too short to spend it not getting your needs met.

Do I think this guy is ready for any form of commitment / getting more serious however? No. I don’t. He doesn’t have the time to message you? BS. How long does it take to drop a good morning, good evening, how you doing text? 15 secs? Everyone has the time, but we don’t do it when we don’t want to.

He keeps going quiet? Delete his chat and only message him when he does. Men will pursue the women they want to the ends of the earth, nothing (nothing) stops them.

If it works for you, then by all means keep seeing him. But don’t expect any consistency or commitment from him.

@VelvetSpoon

If it's the right relationship, seeking reassurance in the way the OP has outlined won't make a jot of difference or kill anything that wasn't going to wither and die anyway.

Better to ask and get an answer even if you don't like it than to be left wondering.

I agree with @VelvetSpoon

OP, I don't view you as being needy or clingy.

I simply don't get the man/woman games either. His communication style altered, leaving you with niggling doubts, so in my view, the adult response to that, irrespective of whether you're a man or a woman, is to just ask.

It's better to know where you stand.

I hope things work out for you OP.

Fuck me is there some sort of ‘bible’ that tells you what you can/ cannot say?

Just to be clear, in case this was a reference to the book I recommended, it doesn’t attempt to prescribe what women should or should not say. It’s much more about understanding the messages that fuckwit men are giving with their actions and not wasting your time on them when they are too useless to do what OP asks and be upfront about their feelings/intentions. Not letting them string you along when you do have it out with them and they fob you off.

[quote HaveringWavering]@HellonHeels I wasn’t suggesting that she had to confirm she had gone out and bought it and read it. I meant, tell us whether you have read it. The point being that if she has read it then a lot of the advice on here will be similar but for some reason she doesn’t think it applies to her situation and it would be interesting to know why. On the other hand if she hasn’t read it, but is open to doing so, then there is no reason for posters to continue giving similar advice when it is out there in the book. If she hasn’t read it but is not open to doing so then I’d explain a bit more about why it resonated with me and I think she should give it a chance even if self help books are not her thing (they weren’t mine), also dispel a few myths re what people think it is about.

So, OP, will you give it a go?[/quote]
Sorry Havering - I was being a bit dim

"If he is scared off by my asking why he went from 100s of messages per day to basically none, I don't want to date him. I hate the thought of just putting up and shutting up for the sake of keeping someone interested."

@honestjon, I agree 100%. I think you handled it very well and I don't think you acted needy at all.

It sounds like he may not be as interested as before and I think your approach sounds really healthy.

@HaveringWavering sorry that wasn’t directed at you but at the general tone of posters saying her reaction was needy? Well who cares if it is?
It’s her bed, her headspace, her vagina and her emotions. If she wishes to clarify anything, she has absolutely every right to!

When I met my current partner, it was via OLD, and as soon as we had DTD I had one blunt conversation with him and that conversation was now that he was being intimate with me, I expected that part to be exclusive (for the both of us). He was welcome to date / message other women but if he thought sleeping with me and others was appropriate, it wasn’t, not for me. We were exclusive a week later. My friends thought I was nuts to have that convo so early on. My response? It’s my body, and I have every right to ask an intimate partner of mine to either be intimate with just me vs me and others. He equally has every right to say ‘sorry, that’s not for me, I’m not ready for commitment.’ Fair enough. But I wouldn’t be one of many in his black book.

So many times we are told what we ‘should’ do to not appear needy/ desperate. BS. Each of us can get the clarity we need in areas we wish to have it on.

I’ve read the book btw. Years ago when it came out. I don’t remember much aside from the simple fact that if a bloke wants you? You’ll know. Which I tend to agree with.

@honestjon did he reply to your last message ?

Men enjoy the chase dont they? That was all the texting and attention before. Now you've slept together. Literally the next day he's gone textbook quiet. I'd be wary getting any more emotionally involved. Step back and start exploring other options

@RiverSkater, when you say "slept together" do you mean fuckin gor literally? Only OP said she’d had sex with him a few times before that night though, just that was the first time they’d actually had a sleep over ie the first time he’d slept in her bed/stayed the night after sex. So if he was only interested in the chase up the the point of sex it's odd timing to lose interest now.

Sure. But some people have robust self confidence and they can handle rejection
They may prefer upfront rather than inferences from mixed messages

Totally agree @TatianaBis, I can handle rejection far easier than dealing with mixed messages. It really does my head in not knowing where I stand, having to read between the lines and try and figure someone out. I'd much rather a bloke just said he wasn't into me and didn't want to see me again than slowly back off and give excuses for that. It doesn't matter how busy I am to distract myself either as crap like that just niggles away in the background. It doesn't get resolved until either the man bucks his ideas up, or we split, but it needs to be quick and decisive.

He has told you how he feels through his actions OP, why would you need it spelling out to you?

I’m cringing for you here, please salvage the last piece of dignity you have left and leave this one alone.

I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out for you, it’s so painful, but you’re really rubbing salt in your own wound.

@CandidaAlbicans2

Sure. But some people have robust self confidence and they can handle rejection They may prefer upfront rather than inferences from mixed messages

Totally agree @TatianaBis, I can handle rejection far easier than dealing with mixed messages. It really does my head in not knowing where I stand, having to read between the lines and try and figure someone out. I'd much rather a bloke just said he wasn't into me and didn't want to see me again than slowly back off and give excuses for that. It doesn't matter how busy I am to distract myself either as crap like that just niggles away in the background. It doesn't get resolved until either the man bucks his ideas up, or we split, but it needs to be quick and decisive.

The answer here is to work on this issue within yourself, ideally with the help of a trained professional.

The answer is definitely not running after men who have already made it clear they aren’t interested in you.

Fwiw, the reason people ghost is usually because they are scared of the other party turning out to be a bunny boiler. When you behave like this, you’re just giving weight to that fear.

Much better a bright and breezy ‘next’!

@CandidaAlbicans2 but the issue with this is men prefer the mixed messages route as they like to have a back up bench to fall back on if their main target / object of affection falls through.

It’s why I prefer (and advocate) for the direct route. Be direct, set your boundaries (whether that’s around exclusivity/ communication/ respect) and if they mess about, it tells you your answer. It’s not needy to ask a man (who’s been intimate with you) to just stay consistent in their messaging.

That’s basic manners.

@GreenWillow what exactly is it in the OPs behaviour that she needs therapy for? I’m aghast at how many posters are essentially allowing for the bloke to behave this way vs. actually advocating that the OP doesn’t put up and just walk away!

Is this what the world has come to? Don’t ask questions incase you are perceived as a bunny boiler?

[quote sassbott]@GreenWillow what exactly is it in the OPs behaviour that she needs therapy for? I’m aghast at how many posters are essentially allowing for the bloke to behave this way vs. actually advocating that the OP doesn’t put up and just walk away!

Is this what the world has come to? Don’t ask questions incase you are perceived as a bunny boiler?[/quote]
People are allowed to behave this way though, I agree it’s pretty shit, but it’s not up to OP or anybody else to appoint themselves as the dating police.

If you don’t like someone’s behaviour, walk away. Trying to control another persons behaviour like this is a worrying trait (and to be honest probably accounts for why OP is still single).

Be sassy, carefree, breezy - far more likely to easily in good things for you across the board.

@GreenWillow

He has told you how he feels through his actions OP, why would you need it spelling out to you?

I’m cringing for you here, please salvage the last piece of dignity you have left and leave this one alone.

I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out for you, it’s so painful, but you’re really rubbing salt in your own wound.

I would cringe at someone ghosting and not having to be asked any difficult questions or be accountable for their actions.

I have no problem with someone telling me they're not interested. I'm very secure in that sense.

The not knowing, is far cringier for me, because I'm essentially waiting around (whether I want to or not), waiting for a message.

*result in good things

[quote Funk2funky]@honestjon did he reply to your last message ?[/quote]
No. He didn't. I've made other plans for the night I was supposed to see him.

I suspect he'll still resurface but I am not interested in the absence of basic manners. He could've ended with 'looking forward to seeing you. Super busy but let's confirm plans nearer the time'.

Him going quiet was ok. Ignoring me however, is a deal breaker.

You’ve already said that you aren’t enjoying dating, op, and just being honest about it, your approach is not working out for you.

Perhaps your expectations are just unrealistic?

I’d suggest repositioning yourself in the dating market as being ‘tantalisingly just out of reach’ rather than this slightly desperate and controlling place in which you seem to have found yourself.