To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

[honestjon]

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

[DoubleNegativePanda]

@Calvinlookingforhobbes

Just give it time and seen how he responds. Don’t be needy but also don’t be treated badly. Give it space to see what transpires

I don't necessarily agree with "don't be needy". Just because your needs exceed someone's expectation doesn't invalidate them, and communicating your needs clearly is the only way to have them actually met. If you tell someone you're sad or disappointed that communication had dropped off and they take that as needy and it puts them off, then your needs would have been routinely unmet. I'd rather know we weren't matching well in the beginning rather than after I'd been married for a few years.

[FloFlower]

@MillicentMaritime - but then the OP will have to alter authentic self in order to please the man.

I don’t think that this is a realistic foundation for a lasting relationship.

Yes be on your best behaviour but if the person your dating is upsetting you after a few weeks/months and you’re expected to modify your behaviour to accommodate this, then that’s no good for me. I’d be walking away

[Funk2funky]

I think it depends , if you’re on date 3 and you sleep with him and then start interrogating about lack of communication the next day and then again the next day - that’s too intense for anyone!
Op you’re three months in, you should have some kind of honesty but then he’s never mentioned being exclusive. You’ve had sex with him before, this is just the first time you stayed over. It just sounds like fwb to me. Unless you have that exclusive conversation and come off OLD together then it’s really not a relationship. Therefore, you can’t have the expectations of a relationship or chastise his behaviour. Any way you have called him out now and he’s let you know he hasn’t fallen for you and he can’t maintain the contact levels you expect. I would just leave it now and if he doesn’t contact you again you know the score. Did he reply to your last text btw?

[VelvetSpoon]

But if the other person is being genuine, and consistent, you won't feel insecure. I found that with my partner - as opposed to every other bloke I'd met through OD - I never felt worried or concerned, he called and texted when he said he would, and vice versa, and if he didn't then I felt I could bring it up without judgment or fear, as did he. We were both totally honest right from the start and that lack of game playing was a bloody relief and far more in line with pre online dating experiences back in simpler times!

[HellonHeels]

@MillicentMaritime

Everyone is insecure at the start of a potential relationship with someone they really like.

I just think it's a good idea to keep those feelings hidden (and I thought this was what most people did).

This guy is still making his mind up and what's wrong with that? If the OP really likes him and plays her cards right I think he'll fall for her.

Or she can walk away.

who can be arsed 'playing their cards right' though?

Makes relationships turn into some kind of political strategising activity. Personally I get enough of that at work. OP wants a nice straightforward approach to dating and I totally get why.

She's not doing anything wrong.

[QueenBee52]

I'm not convinced by his reasons either tbh... sounds a bit text book brush off but dragging it out kinda thing...

I do hope I'm wrong OP.. and will glad to be proven so...

[todaysdilemma]

OP, ignore any comments about you being needy. Communicating with your partner regularly is NOT needy. But there are people who like their relationships in a box, where they only deal with it on the designated days, and you don't exist outside of it. I would not date someone like this, because if you can keep in touch with your work regularly, and your friends, you can do it with the person you're considering sharing a life with...

He would be a big fat red flag for me. Thinking that messaging you the day after you were intimate is too 'needy'? Telling you how his golf game was is 'too much contact'. He can get to f*k frankly. This is his way of managing down your expectations by already prepping excuses why this won't progress to anything serious. When human beings like each other, messaging every day is NOT a chore - it's fun and exciting and you enjoy doing it. And even if it's not his natural style, if he likes you enough and knows a simple text a day would make you happy, he wouldn't mind doing it.

I would let this one go, OP. You should never adapt your style of communication to suit someone (unless you're a known stalker and even friends/family have all commented on it as excessive). Dating is finding someone compatible with you and your needs. The sort of man who thinks it's a chore to message his date is the sort of man who will not make you happy or emotionally fulfil.

He isn't for you. Don't let him make you feel like you're too much, too needy or need to change. Billions of people in different countries and cultures and of different sexes, communicate with their loved ones everyday. Best to find someone who thinks about these things like you do, or certainly doesn't try to shame you for thinking how you do.

[MillicentMaritime]

I think a lot of PPs are making out your BF to be behaving a lot worse than he actually is. I just think he's undecided.

From what you've written I'm wondering if he really liked you but wanted to see where things went. Then maybe you texting a lot made him think you thought he was more decided than he was. So he's cut back on communication a bit as a signal that maybe you should too, for now anyway.

I wouldn't automatically give up on this, as so many PPs are advising.

[LimeRedBanana]

Some of the dating advice on this thread is risible.

The way to sustain a meaningful long term relationship is by being ‘breezy’. Oh, and don’t forget ‘sassy’.

Do not by any means do the one thing actually proven to sustain meaningful long-term relationships: communicate.



FML.

[Funk2funky]

@LimeRedBanana Communicate that you can’t stop thinking about someone and analysing their every action or non action, not giving them one day to text you. I’d rather be breezy!
Having said that they’ve been going out three months and should have communicated if they were exclusive a long while ago.

[daisychain01]

This early on it should be hot and steamy, not light and breezy!

Just saying!

[MillicentMaritime]

But a lot of PPs are expecting the BF to behave as if they're in an established relationship. They're just starting out, so yes, hot and steamy but also breezy and keeping it cool and not anxious IMO.

[Funk2funky]

@daisychain01

This early on it should be hot and steamy, not light and breezy!

Just saying!

🤣🤣

[LimeRedBanana]

[quote Funk2funky]@LimeRedBanana Communicate that you can’t stop thinking about someone and analysing their every action or non action, not giving them one day to text you. I’d rather be breezy!
Having said that they’ve been going out three months and should have communicated if they were exclusive a long while ago.[/quote]
Not sure whose actions you’re describing but it’s not the OP’s.

She wasn’t ‘not giving him one day to text’, she noticed a change in the way they mutually communicated the day after he spent the first full night.

She’s also not spending every minute ‘thinking about him and analysing his every action or non action’.

There’s no point making stuff up.

[CandyLeBonBon]

@MillicentMaritime

I think a lot of PPs are making out your BF to be behaving a lot worse than he actually is. I just think he's undecided.

From what you've written I'm wondering if he really liked you but wanted to see where things went. Then maybe you texting a lot made him think you thought he was more decided than he was. So he's cut back on communication a bit as a signal that maybe you should too, for now anyway.

I wouldn't automatically give up on this, as so many PPs are advising.

That sounds like game playing to me. And it wasn't one-way messaging. So stop making out that the op is somehow non stop texting and overwhelming him. She said it was mutual.

He just needs to shit or get off the pot. Suddenly going cold on someone without notice is game playing bullshit. If he's not that into her then he needs to say so. Not give mixed messages.

[TedMullins]

OP you’re not being needy at all and I agree it’s a stupid misogynist expectation to expect women to put up and shut up with things that make them uncomfortable. If he was messaging you all day for three months then suddenly he stops, anyone would notice that. You asked a perfectly reasonable question - does that mean it’s run it’s course - and he doesn’t have the courtesy to even reply. As for saying “I can’t give you lots of contact” after messaging you daily for three months, he can fuck off. He’s turning his rudeness and lack of courtesy back on you by making out you’re asking too much or pressuring him. You’re not. Any decent person would have the balls and the courtesy to say they’re not feeling it and don’t want to keep dating. If women are labelled “needy” or “cringeworthy” or the classic “crazy” for being upfront and communicating then the problem is with the one holding those misogynist attitudes (including other women who’ve internalised them) and not you.

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

[quote FloFlower]@MillicentMaritime - but then the OP will have to alter authentic self in order to please the man.

I don’t think that this is a realistic foundation for a lasting relationship.

Yes be on your best behaviour but if the person your dating is upsetting you after a few weeks/months and you’re expected to modify your behaviour to accommodate this, then that’s no good for me. I’d be walking away[/quote]
It’s not about not being authentic. It’s about teaching yourself to be protective of your emotions.
Most people are naturally driven to eat sugar and fat. You have to train yourself to not eat all the doughnuts just because they are delicious. Its not healthy even though it’s want you feel like doing.
Then you can can get to the point where one is enough and you don’t end up with diabetes.

Yes it’s lovely to have endless chats on the phone with the bloke you fancy. But it’s not great emotionally because you’re giving too much.

How many of threads do we see every week in one form or another.

[Limeinthacoconut]

@LimeRedBanana but she is starting a thread and debating it on here. Isn’t that analysing it a tad too far, spending the last day or so commenting on here.
She also text him after that text to ask why he was quiet again. He’d already told her he wasn’t going to meet her contact level, wasn’t as keen basically anymore.

[Limeinthacoconut]

@Thewinterofdiscontent totally agree. Anyone want to google something like should I text him first mumsnet or some such , look at old threads. None end up with the man interested or a relationship. If the man had wanted it - he would have shown it through his actions ! It really is that simple

[TedMullins]

[quote Limeinthacoconut]@LimeRedBanana but she is starting a thread and debating it on here. Isn’t that analysing it a tad too far, spending the last day or so commenting on here.
She also text him after that text to ask why he was quiet again. He’d already told her he wasn’t going to meet her contact level, wasn’t as keen basically anymore.[/quote]
And he did it by twisting it and making out she was asking too much when HE had been enthusiastically contacting her daily for the previous three months. Thats emotional manipulation. That’s not how a decent person tells someone they’re losing interest.

[LimeRedBanana]

He’d already told her he wasn’t going to meet her contact level,

Yes, the day after they spent the night together, he said his contact level was changing.

So she was right. She picked up on something, asked about it, and was right.

Where I differ from the OP is that I would now absolutely be withdrawing myself.

[Limeinthacoconut]

@TedMullins If you’re in a relationship it’s a crap thing to do this to someone. However, he didn’t say they were exclusive and op knows that too ( and was dating other people too) in the last few months. So really he owes her nothing , they aren’t in a relationship 🤷‍♀️ They have also had sex before so it’s not like he had sex and then dumped her the next day. Perhaps, he’s just not sure or one of the other dates he likes more.

[BigButtons]

[quote Limeinthacoconut]@TedMullins If you’re in a relationship it’s a crap thing to do this to someone. However, he didn’t say they were exclusive and op knows that too ( and was dating other people too) in the last few months. So really he owes her nothing , they aren’t in a relationship 🤷‍♀️ They have also had sex before so it’s not like he had sex and then dumped her the next day. Perhaps, he’s just not sure or one of the other dates he likes more.[/quote]
I disagree- to sleep with someone, message them endlessly for 3 months then go cold is not ok whether exclusive or not.

[LimeRedBanana]

I disagree- to sleep with someone, message them endlessly for 3 months then go cold is not ok whether exclusive or not.

Of course it’s not OK, in anyone normal’s world.

[Limeinthacoconut]

It’s not nice at all but they aren’t in a relationship and it’s essentially fwb. I do think people should just be upfront if they aren’t interested anymore though.