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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

290 replies

honestjon · 24/07/2021 16:19

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

OP posts:
GreenWillow · 26/07/2021 14:10

Him going quiet was ok. Ignoring me however, is a deal breaker

There isn’t a deal here to be broken though. You are being way too heavy here.

Breezy, that’s what you want, not vengeful and judgemental. Who wants that?

spongebath · 26/07/2021 14:12

Ach he's no good op. Throw him back in.

Mary46 · 26/07/2021 14:14

Hi op I read the posts. He sounds casual. Suit yourself going forward

beastlyslumber · 26/07/2021 14:16

He sounds like a bit of a wanker, OP.

Baberuthie · 26/07/2021 14:22

His change in behaviour could bring out anger in an angel, though, I'm indignant on your behalf! Chuck him back and pretend it didnt happen. Theres a book called the Power of the Pussy I would recommend. It says that men pick and women choose based on whether they like the male in question and how he treats her. If a cat isn't being looked after properly it goes where the love is. All this men playing it cool and women accepting it is the reason men have all the power imho and leads to imbalanced relationships. Cats by their nature feel very powerful and sure of themselves. I would put this one down to experience but not spend any more time on it.

Cookiebox · 26/07/2021 14:24

I can't believe the rough ride the OP is getting here!

CandyLeBonBon · 26/07/2021 14:27

Bloody hell! Some of the comments on here!
Needy?, controlling? Judgemental, harassing? Expectations too high?

Christ almighty! Just because she didn't want to be left dangling by a guy who had been happy to have arc with her several times, and has been messaging her regularly, and who has suddenly stopped?

There is nothing remotely controlling or needy about a woman having expectations. If he's not meeting them, she can move on, which she's doing.

I really despair at the mindset of the people who believe women should just put up with any old shit just so she doesn't look needy. It's ridiculous. And sexist.

Good on you @ @honestjon - I think you've played it well and he sounds like someone who will not bring you much in the way of joy or happiness. Good luck with your other plans.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/07/2021 14:27

Sex not arc!!

allycat4 · 26/07/2021 14:29

He's effectively told you he's not interested. You're just not hearing it and so, effectively, you're chasing him.

GreenWillow · 26/07/2021 14:31

There is nothing remotely controlling or needy about a woman having expectations. If he's not meeting them, she can move on, which she's doing

Op’s not simply moving on though (I agree this would be the best idea).

She’s harassing him into spelling out to her that he’s not interested.

He’s allowed to not be interested, he’s allowed to behave like a dick. It’s poor conduct, I agree, but people are just generally a bit rubbish sometimes.

If OP appoints herself as the Dating Police, committed to holding men to account like this, it hardly enhances her allure, does it?

CrouchEndTiger12 · 26/07/2021 14:34

@CandyLeBonBon

Bloody hell! Some of the comments on here! Needy?, controlling? Judgemental, harassing? Expectations too high?

Christ almighty! Just because she didn't want to be left dangling by a guy who had been happy to have arc with her several times, and has been messaging her regularly, and who has suddenly stopped?

There is nothing remotely controlling or needy about a woman having expectations. If he's not meeting them, she can move on, which she's doing.

I really despair at the mindset of the people who believe women should just put up with any old shit just so she doesn't look needy. It's ridiculous. And sexist.

Good on you @ @honestjon - I think you've played it well and he sounds like someone who will not bring you much in the way of joy or happiness. Good luck with your other plans.

I don't understand the OPs approach though.

Meet someone, date, spend the night. He effectively ghosts her. Tells her he can't give her what she wants and the OP continues to contact him until he tells her in no uncertain terms he doesn't want her.

Why would anyone do that.

I can't give you the level of communication you want would have been it for me. It means leave me alone.

It's a bizarre approach to keep pushing a guy who has already shown through words and actions he isn't interested.

INB4 · 26/07/2021 14:43

No benefit of the doubt given by anyone here. Everyone assumes the worst. Very toxic. He could simply have an avoidant attachment style.

MillicentMaritime · 26/07/2021 14:47

I literally dropped a polite note to say he'd been very quiet and said that in my experience, that tended to indicate less enthusiasm to keep dating.

I can only advise from my own experience, but a partner asking for reassurance early on, no matter how attracted I was to them, really negatively changed my opinion of them.

Conversely though, someone being aloof at the start and me not quite knowing where I stood with them has led me to falling madly in love.

For this reason I don't think you should walk away OP - if you just act like you don't care as much, I think you may turn this in your favour!

BigButtons · 26/07/2021 15:08

@honestjon have your standards and stick to them. He clearly falls short and he would fall short for me too. You need to work out your non negotiables and make sure you don’t accept any shot.
I can’t believe half the responses on here.
Any real man worth his salt would not do what this specimen has done. You are well shot of him. Onwards and upwards.

daisychain01 · 26/07/2021 15:12

So on the one hand it's:

He said there was none at all and he'd just been busy, but was concerned I was someone who wanted a lot of contact and he wasn't able to give that - so he's made it clear he wants to pick and choose randomly when he wants to be in touch

But on the other hand it's :

he said he'd love to keep seeing me.. Yeah sure - He wants to keep his options open and keep you keen for the next night he wants to line up.

I'd be kicking him to the curb at this stage, he sounds like a user.

daisychain01 · 26/07/2021 15:18

Conversely though, someone being aloof at the start and me not quite knowing where I stood with them has led me to falling madly in love

If you like a good dose of manipulation and control, then that's fine, but the OP sounds like someone who doesn't want this charade. She just wants honesty and sincerity. That's fine too. If you get into mind games this early in a relationship, it often sets the tone for the future.

I'm with the OP on this, my DH hasn't ever bothered with all the playing hard to get and neither have I, and it enabled us to know early on where we stood. He certainly wouldn't ghost me after us going on a date. Why spoil the positive feelings, unless you're a timewaster....

bathsh3ba · 26/07/2021 15:40

I don't understand why everyone is saying she was pushing the guy. She asked a question, got an answer. What's the problem? Why's everyone so hostile? If she wants to be picky about who she dates, let her be.

TatianaBis · 26/07/2021 15:51

@Greenwillow completely missed the point of @CandidaAlbicans2’s post.

She just said she’d much rather have a direct conversation than messing about interpreting things which she doesn’t the patience for.

TatianaBis · 26/07/2021 15:57

@MillicentMaritime

I literally dropped a polite note to say he'd been very quiet and said that in my experience, that tended to indicate less enthusiasm to keep dating.

I can only advise from my own experience, but a partner asking for reassurance early on, no matter how attracted I was to them, really negatively changed my opinion of them.

Conversely though, someone being aloof at the start and me not quite knowing where I stood with them has led me to falling madly in love.

For this reason I don't think you should walk away OP - if you just act like you don't care as much, I think you may turn this in your favour!

She’s not asking for reassurance she’s just asking him if he’s into it or not.

If you like dicking around with mind games that’s up to you. I cba personally.

LizzieW1969 · 26/07/2021 16:13

I don’t think this OP needs reassurance at all. She just wants to know where she stands with this man, and doesn’t want to waste her life waiting around for him to get in touch. Which suggests to me that she actually isn’t at all needy.

She’s already made other plans for next Saturday when they were going to meet up.

honestjon · 26/07/2021 16:18

@LizzieW1969

I don’t think this OP needs reassurance at all. She just wants to know where she stands with this man, and doesn’t want to waste her life waiting around for him to get in touch. Which suggests to me that she actually isn’t at all needy.

She’s already made other plans for next Saturday when they were going to meet up.

Correct. This describes me to a tee. I wasn't looking for reassurance, I was looking for clarity. I'm a confident enough person to handle rejection. What I can't handle is being left hanging!
OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 26/07/2021 16:22

Harassing? Really @GreenWillow. The op's actions are so very far from harassing it's quite laughable.

VelvetSpoon · 26/07/2021 16:37

@GreenWillow

There is nothing remotely controlling or needy about a woman having expectations. If he's not meeting them, she can move on, which she's doing

Op’s not simply moving on though (I agree this would be the best idea).

She’s harassing him into spelling out to her that he’s not interested.

He’s allowed to not be interested, he’s allowed to behave like a dick. It’s poor conduct, I agree, but people are just generally a bit rubbish sometimes.

If OP appoints herself as the Dating Police, committed to holding men to account like this, it hardly enhances her allure, does it?

But this guy was never the right one, as he's demonstrated.

If he was genuinely interested, he either wouldn't have behaved as he did in the first place OR when called out on it by the OP he would've given a genuine and sincere apology/ returned to his previous 'keen' behaviour.

I've never known a man who is ACTUALLY wanting to progress a relationship to be put off by a woman appearing too keen or calling out discourteous behaviour. The ones who say that's offputting - they're just using that as an excuse to hide behind because they never had any genuine intentions in the first place.

When I met my partner 7 years ago, we were on the same page right from the start, agreed we were exclusive and not seeing anyone else from the second date. He was the first man I'd met through OLD who was upfront and honest about what he wanted from the start and after years of nonsense and hundreds of dates with pretty much every category of fuckwit that OLD has to offer, it was a refreshing and pleasant change.

VelvetSpoon · 26/07/2021 16:39

And this is why the current world of dating is such a headfuck.

If it's not men dicking you about, it's other women trying to knock you down and tell you that you need therapy for just wanting a bit of respect from someone you've been dating.

MillicentMaritime · 26/07/2021 16:43

Everyone is insecure at the start of a potential relationship with someone they really like.

I just think it's a good idea to keep those feelings hidden (and I thought this was what most people did).

This guy is still making his mind up and what's wrong with that? If the OP really likes him and plays her cards right I think he'll fall for her.

Or she can walk away.