Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

290 replies

honestjon · 24/07/2021 16:19

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

OP posts:
RadandMad · 26/07/2021 09:41

@WeatherForecast

He’s not that into you tbh, and whether you messaged him first and broached the topic or not wouldn’t have changed a thing in that regard.

In the early weeks of seeing DH I felt like he wasn’t putting in enough effort into planning to see me, didn’t seem super keen to get the next date in the diary kinda thing, so I messaged him and said I could sense things cooling off a little, that was fine and I was happy to be friends and had had fun.

He rang me within seconds of seeing it, asked to see me that night, took me out for drinks and the minute we sat down in the pub gave me a little speech about how he was head over heels for me but hadn’t wanted to scare me off as he knew I was only recently single, he didn’t think he’d have a chance with someone like me and was trying to rein himself in and be a bit cool so as not to ruin it. And that he was sorry as he’d obviously been a bit too cool!

I was pretty taken aback and figured it might just be hot air but true to his word after that conversation where we both said we really liked each other it was plain sailing forevermore. Lots of effort, couldn’t wait to see me, taking me out all the time, making it official etc.

Your guy responded to a very normal need for reassurance with a ‘sorry, I can’t meet even that baseline need of yours’. He isn’t afraid of losing you or scaring you off, he’s letting you know that he won’t give you what you’re saying you need and setting your expectations really really low. If you continue to see him it’ll be on his terms and won’t lead anywhere imo.

I think anyone with any level of empathy recognises that when you’ve spent the night together it feels a bit different to a coffee date, you’ve been vulnerable with that person and it’s normal to feel a bit uneasy the next day without the person getting in touch, especially when it’s been an intense period of contact previously. If he had a genuine reason then it wouldn’t have happened a second time. When we met DH was a busy A&E doctor but still made time to message, call, and plan dates. Everyone uses the bathroom and can send a text, it takes seconds.

Be proud of yourself for speaking up for your needs, you avoided further days of angst wondering what was going on. In your shoes now I’d write it off and maybe send one last message saying you don’t think it’s a romantic match, it’s been nice to hang out and best of luck with the future, and then block so you’re not tempted to keep messaging.

You’ve done everything right here, he just isn’t into you, and you shouldn’t be into him either with this ‘you’re needy and I can’t meet your requirements and here’s another couple days of radio silence’ behaviour.

Have you ever read the book ‘he’s just not that into you’? It’s actually excellent. Not usually one for dating or self help type books but it’s absolutely spot on. Saves you a lot of pining!

Agree with every word.
LindaEllen · 26/07/2021 09:43

I've never understood why people play these games. You shouldn't sit stewing wondering why he hasn't text you. If you wanted to talk to him, all you needed to do was text and say 'Hey, how's your day been? Did you enjoy golf? x' instead of leaving it, working yourself up, and then having a go at him over it. Relationships shouldn't be this hard, and if they are, what's the point in them? Text when you want to talk to him. It's as easy as that. If you're not happy with the level of effort/contact then sure, let him know - and it's up to you to decide whether you can live with it or not. But what is the actual point in sitting there wondering why he hasn't text you, when you've not text him either? Imagine if he was thinking the same thing - where the hell would you be then?! Would you just both sit looking at your phones until one of you died?

MsVestibule · 26/07/2021 09:45

This is the absolute worst bit about dating. It took me about 20 years to work out that not a single one of my 'successful' relationships (i.e. those that went on to be boyfriend/girlfriend) ever started with this shit.

He explained the cause (life suddenly getting way busier) and apologised. I know later in the thread you've said this is justified, but really? The day after you spend the night together, his life suddenly gets so ridiculously busy that he can't send you a single text in a day?

Presumably you're doing OLD? What do you want to achieve? Lots of fun dates, or a LTR?

HeartZone · 26/07/2021 09:50

Have you thought, maybe he’s married? First over nighter, then he disappears for a while?

honestjon · 26/07/2021 09:51

@CrouchEndTiger12

We all have different opinions and approaches. Personally I wouldn't want to give them the opportunity to reject me and tell me they aren't interested.

I'd rather keep my dignity and therefore they will always remember I couldn't care less they stopped contact.

A guy goes quiet and you want to force them to tell you they don't want you. OK.

We'll definitely have to agree to disagree. The fact that dignity is linked to caring about something or having a feeling about something/someone treating you a certain way, is (in my view) again fairly patriarchal and I don't understand the basis of it.

That said, I don't disagree that the 'playing it cool' approach works better for keeping men some men interested. I think that kind of man is one to avoid though.

If he is scared off by my asking why he went from 100s of messages per day to basically none, I don't want to date him. I hate the thought of just putting up and shutting up for the sake of keeping someone interested.

OP posts:
honestjon · 26/07/2021 09:52

@HeartZone

Have you thought, maybe he’s married? First over nighter, then he disappears for a while?
He is 100000% not married. I've spent tons of time at his house. He has flatmates.
OP posts:
dottiedodah · 26/07/2021 09:52

I dont think you were "needy" at all.Most people ,used to a certain level of contact ,would be surprised not to have a message even if to say they are OK . Maybe he is being brutally honest by saying he isnt "head over heels" but wants to carry on seeing you.If he has been hurt previously then he may be wary .When you are younger there is much more urgency to settle down with "The One" . I think you are doing the right thing to keep your options open .If it does work out well and good ,if not you havent kept all your men in one big basket!

allycat4 · 26/07/2021 09:53

Don't you see though - it shouldn't be this much effort!

CrouchEndTiger12 · 26/07/2021 09:55

If he is scared off by my asking why he went from 100s of messages per day to basically none, I don't want to date him. I hate the thought of just putting up and shutting up for the sake of keeping someone interested.

Well he isn't interested and if you need him to tell you that instead of you leaving him the hell alone then it's really quite embarrassing.

You don't want to date him, he's gone off you. Fgs stop harassing him just because you want to force it out of him. There is nothing nothing be gained by this.

BigButtons · 26/07/2021 09:55

@RadandMad I had pretty much the same thing happen at the start of my relationship now.
@honestjon you can be sure that he is finding the time to make other texts and calls. People make the time if they want to. It takes seconds to send a text. He is choosing not to contact you. Let this one go now and retain your dignity and self respect.
Best of luck to you🙂

honestjon · 26/07/2021 09:55

@allycat4

Don't you see though - it shouldn't be this much effort!
Of course! But for me it's less effort to ask and get clarity, than to spend days wondering where he is.

Even if you were to say 'well keep busy, don't wonder'....we all know this isn't how such things work. I'm constantly busy, have a ton of friends, my kids and many hobbies (and I'm dating others) and I'd still have had this at the back of my mind.

OP posts:
CrouchEndTiger12 · 26/07/2021 09:56

I have never once had a man tell me I need more contact that they can give. Not once.

That means leave me alone and you really should.

Funk2funky · 26/07/2021 09:56

When you need to start a thread on this and defend your actions etc etc just throw this one back

Funk2funky · 26/07/2021 09:58

You aren’t getting clarity though. He’s just saying things are fine, then doing it again. As others say, look at his actions and not his words.

honestjon · 26/07/2021 09:58

@CrouchEndTiger12 harassing him??? I literally dropped a polite note to say he'd be very quiet and said that in my experience, that tended to indicate less enthusiasm to keep dating, and was that the case, just so everyone was clear where they stood.

I don't see how on earth that's harassing someone! I was hardly outside his door demanding answers.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 26/07/2021 10:01

Contact can often settle into a different pattern in an ongoing relationship than when you first start chatting to/seeing each other.

The question is, was it just coincidence that the tapering off of contact happened straight after the first all nighter. I guess time will tell!

honestjon · 26/07/2021 10:02

@Funk2funky

You aren’t getting clarity though. He’s just saying things are fine, then doing it again. As others say, look at his actions and not his words.
Correct. In this case I didn't. But in cases before I've had both positive and negative outcomes of this approach - either they take the opportunity to admit things have run their course, or they apologise, explain and we've gone on to have reasonably successful relationships for a few months.

In this case though I agree, I'm none the wiser.

OP posts:
CrouchEndTiger12 · 26/07/2021 10:05

@Funk2funky

You aren’t getting clarity though. He’s just saying things are fine, then doing it again. As others say, look at his actions and not his words.
Quite. There are some men who will say when asked that they like but keep acting like this. In that case asking is pointless. It just drags it out.

You're making it about him. Why does he have to tell you before you can move on. This isn't what you want.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 26/07/2021 10:05

*say that they like you

Taoneusa · 26/07/2021 10:06

I would also have been disappointed with somebody that cuts level of contact immediately after spending the first night together. It’s insensitive timing, and IMO should have been preemptively explained and politely apologised for.
If he’d explained in advance he could have saved you from the discomfort of abandonment feelings.
I think it harsh to suggest it is needy to require polite consideration and warmth.

RadandMad · 26/07/2021 10:27

You deserve someone who is crazy about you. In my experience, when a man is crazy about you, it is very very obvious. Okay, you can give them a one-time benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe, there's some reason why he has changed his behaviour - but once he's realised you're upset if he's not falling over backwards to make it up to you and make it's clear he's seriously into you, then run for the hills and don't look back. You deserve so much better.

Carrott21 · 26/07/2021 10:39

but was concerned I was someone who wanted a lot of contact and he wasn't able to give that

Yeah I don't like this at all. If you want to go in and be all upfront to save yiurself wasting time then thats yiur call. I would have just ignored him and perpetuated the game playing in an effort to be seen as cool and dignified.

TatianaBis · 26/07/2021 10:44

@CrouchEndTiger12

We all have different opinions and approaches. Personally I wouldn't want to give them the opportunity to reject me and tell me they aren't interested.

I'd rather keep my dignity and therefore they will always remember I couldn't care less they stopped contact.

A guy goes quiet and you want to force them to tell you they don't want you. OK.

Sure. But some people have robust self confidence and they can handle rejection.

They may prefer upfront rather than inferences from mixed messages.

The fact is you do care, and the bloke in question probably won’t remember you anyway so it doesn’t make much difference how it ends.

itsabouttimetoo · 26/07/2021 10:44

OP, I feel for you. So many posts on here telling you that you are being needy and clingy and the person you’ve just slept with gaslighting you by saying he is concerned you are needy and want too much contact?? You have just been intimate with him, it is absolutely normal to want to talk to him and have that reassurance.

Saying that, posters are right in saying don’t text him - because once you do the power is completely in his hands and he can make out like you’re being OTT when you aren’t. I think you know what you need to do here and that should be cut all contact and never speak to him again. And if he messages you, flip the script on him and say he is needy. The fact that he’s gone from contact all the time to radio silence after getting what he wants screams volumes and the fact he gaslighted you when you shared your feelings and flipped it round on you tells you what kind of person he is. It’s ok for him to not be feeling it but he should let you know, instead he wants to keep you hanging on and make you feel bad. I don’t think this man will ever be the person you want him to be. Sending you love.

LJAKS · 26/07/2021 10:45

It very much sounds like he's using you as an option and gearing up to drop you when something better comes along. Which is fine if you are on the same page. You make time for the things that matter to you, it takes seconds to text someone.
In my experience of dating in the last couple of years contact levels dropping noticeably in the early stages are the beginning of the end. I would sack that one and focus on something else. L