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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

290 replies

honestjon · 24/07/2021 16:19

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 26/07/2021 10:49

If he is scared off by my asking why he went from 100s of messages per day to basically none, I don't want to date him. I hate the thought of just putting up and shutting up for the sake of keeping someone interested.

Absolutely fair enough.

Blossomandbee · 26/07/2021 11:01

I wouldn't take what he's said as positive at all.

He said that keeping in touch via a few texts is more than he can offer, and he's not head over heels in love with you.

He couldn't be clearer really could he.

You've dated a few months, slept together, spent one night together. He's now cooled off and essentially said he's not that bothered. Unless that's enough for you then I would move on.

Mistressofnone · 26/07/2021 11:01

In my experience it's best to just distract yourself and get on with life. You have a crappy feeling in the background all the time but it soon eases off.

It's hard not having control of the situation but you won't gain control by contacting him more, if the outcome is inevitable.

The sad feelings are mainly grieving for what could have been, rather than the actual person. If you got to know him better he might have started to grate on you anyway.

Keep yourself busy. Watch a comedy and get a nice takeaway. If he contacts you just enjoy the ball being in your court for a while.

honestjon · 26/07/2021 11:09

@Blossomandbee

I wouldn't take what he's said as positive at all.

He said that keeping in touch via a few texts is more than he can offer, and he's not head over heels in love with you.

He couldn't be clearer really could he.

You've dated a few months, slept together, spent one night together. He's now cooled off and essentially said he's not that bothered. Unless that's enough for you then I would move on.

The 'head over heels' was me paraphrasing,

Nonetheless, I agree and I'm looking at booking something else in for the date he and I had lined up this week. I don't want to be messed around.

OP posts:
QueenCoconut · 26/07/2021 11:10

Hi OP
How far away are they? If you are not working is it within reasonable distance for you to join them ( or pick up your son and bring him home ) you have every right to not be happy with this situation if you are being prevented from talking to your own child.
I’m not suggesting any extreme confrontations but i can’t imagine being left alone for a few days with no contact with my husband/ child while they spend a mini break with his ex wife.
You could also meet her in person have a civilised conversation (hopefully) and see with your own eyes what’s going on rather than being gaslighted when he returns on Wednesday .

I wish you all the best

QueenCoconut · 26/07/2021 11:12

Apologies- posted on a wrong thread :(

Dsisproblem · 26/07/2021 11:12

@beastlyslumber

My dad once gave me some good advice about men which seems worth passing on here OP. He said, "golf is a game for cunts."
Dying. And so true in my experience
Cookiebox · 26/07/2021 11:13

ALWAYS go with your gut. You knew deep down he'd changed his attitude toward you, it's not good enough.

He said there was none at all and he'd just been busy, but was concerned I was someone who wanted a lot of contact and he wasn't able to give that

This is unfortunately what men do. They turn it on you rather than be honest and say yeah you're right I didn't contact you because I'm not interested.
This is really manipulative and highlights he's a wrong-un.
He's keeping his options open and had the cheek to have a go at you because you dared call him out on his behaviour.

Honestly if you carry on with this chump he'll mess you around even more.

HaveringWavering · 26/07/2021 11:18

Why aren’t you answering the question about whether you have read “He’s Just Not That Into You?”

honestjon · 26/07/2021 11:23

@HaveringWavering

Why aren’t you answering the question about whether you have read “He’s Just Not That Into You?”
Sorry - I thought I had answered!

No, I haven't.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 26/07/2021 11:34

@HaveringWavering

Why aren’t you answering the question about whether you have read “He’s Just Not That Into You?”
Give her a break - it was only recommended a day or two ago!
MillicentMaritime · 26/07/2021 11:44

I do sense he took the opportunity to make it very clear he wasn't head over heels just yet

I'd be worried by that. I married before OLD was the norm so attitudes may have changed now, but I've had four long term relationships and was crazy about all of them at the start. If I hadn't been I wouldn't have stayed with them.

It's also worth adding that the one I was most in love with was the least good looking. What made me fall so hard for him was his aloofness. Whereas another guy I'd had a crush on for a over a year became very keen very soon and the crush feeling just disappeared overnight.

I definitely would NOT seek any more reassurance from him. I've always waited about three years before asking for anything like that.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 26/07/2021 11:47

Stop being so needy, very unattractive and stop waiting for the man to do his bit first - this isn't the dark ages.

DarlingFell · 26/07/2021 11:51

Oh dear OP, never ask the question 'should I contact him?' on mumsnet, you will get loads of terrible 'feminist' Hmm advice telling you to 'just call him', 'what about equality'.

You know yourself that if a man wants you, he will show you. Changing his text style the day after you were intimate tells you all you need to know. Don't ever go chasing after a man ever again.

I'm a feminist, by the way, I also understand that men and women are different and approach relationships entirely disparately

DarlingFell · 26/07/2021 11:52

@Bogofftosomewherehot

Stop being so needy, very unattractive and stop waiting for the man to do his bit first - this isn't the dark ages.
Such a cliched but also entirely unrealistic response!
HaveringWavering · 26/07/2021 11:53

@HellonHeels I wasn’t suggesting that she had to confirm she had gone out and bought it and read it. I meant, tell us whether you have read it. The point being that if she has read it then a lot of the advice on here will be similar but for some reason she doesn’t think it applies to her situation and it would be interesting to know why. On the other hand if she hasn’t read it, but is open to doing so, then there is no reason for posters to continue giving similar advice when it is out there in the book. If she hasn’t read it but is not open to doing so then I’d explain a bit more about why it resonated with me and I think she should give it a chance even if self help books are not her thing (they weren’t mine), also dispel a few myths re what people think it is about.

So, OP, will you give it a go?

honestjon · 26/07/2021 11:54

[quote HaveringWavering]@HellonHeels I wasn’t suggesting that she had to confirm she had gone out and bought it and read it. I meant, tell us whether you have read it. The point being that if she has read it then a lot of the advice on here will be similar but for some reason she doesn’t think it applies to her situation and it would be interesting to know why. On the other hand if she hasn’t read it, but is open to doing so, then there is no reason for posters to continue giving similar advice when it is out there in the book. If she hasn’t read it but is not open to doing so then I’d explain a bit more about why it resonated with me and I think she should give it a chance even if self help books are not her thing (they weren’t mine), also dispel a few myths re what people think it is about.

So, OP, will you give it a go?[/quote]
I just googled it to understand the message (although I think the title says it all).

I'm happy to read it.

OP posts:
Funk2funky · 26/07/2021 11:57

@DarlingFell

Oh dear OP, never ask the question 'should I contact him?' on mumsnet, you will get loads of terrible 'feminist' Hmm advice telling you to 'just call him', 'what about equality'.

You know yourself that if a man wants you, he will show you. Changing his text style the day after you were intimate tells you all you need to know. Don't ever go chasing after a man ever again.

I'm a feminist, by the way, I also understand that men and women are different and approach relationships entirely disparately

Agree!
RiverSkater · 26/07/2021 12:00

Men enjoy the chase dont they? That was all the texting and attention before. Now you've slept together. Literally the next day he's gone textbook quiet. I'd be wary getting any more emotionally involved. Step back and start exploring other options.

VelvetSpoon · 26/07/2021 12:04

He's Just Not That Into You is a complete pile of horseshit.

Disappointed anyone in 2021 with an ounce of sense would be recommending it.

This thread makes me despair. Encouraging passivity, that it's wrong to chase a man. Honestly, complete bollocks.

There is no right or wrong. The right relationships work out, the wrong ones don't. When people behave like a dick by ghosting or dropping contact, they should be called out on it - the OP was absolutely right to do what she's done.

Why have we allowed a situation where men hold all the cards? Fuck that. I wish when I was dating I'd told more men what I thought of their arsehole, entitled behaviour. Better that than telling myself it was more dignified to let it just fizzle out. I'd rather feel empowered and that I'd had my say than passive.

No criticism for me OP, I hope things work out for you, one way or the other.

HaveringWavering · 26/07/2021 12:09

Well @VelvetSpoon you obviously chose to read it at one point. OP can do the same and form her own view.

HaveringWavering · 26/07/2021 12:10

And that’s not what the book says anyway.

Baberuthie · 26/07/2021 12:10

There is something very unsexy about a man who doesn't know what he wants and leaves you hanging after sex.... will he be able to decide on paint colours when you are decorating? Sofas when you need furniture? Tedious.

VelvetSpoon · 26/07/2021 12:12

I've not read it fully but I'm very well aware of the content, and have dealt with the fall out from many people who have read it and found it entirely unhelpful.

I'm sure the OP can form her own opinion, just like I'm perfectly entitled to share mine that it's a pile of claptrap :)

VelvetSpoon · 26/07/2021 12:13

@HaveringWavering if you read my post properly, you'll see I was commenting on what posters had said on this THREAD about passivity etc. I wasn't referencing the content of the book, other than to say it's shit.

HTH.