To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

[honestjon]

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

[Yaya26]

Maybe he's at the nineteenth hole!

[EccentricaGalumbits]

Please, be yourself. Don't play games or fret about how you're being perceived by him.

If you want/need more regular contact, make regular contact. If that's too much for him, you weren't right for each other anyway.

[honestjon]

@QueenBee52

So he's changed his usual pattern of behaviour.. normal casual texting has gone silent after he spent the night.... that's unfair..

any normal person would be wondering WTF...

Anyone suggesting you are over reacting, are belittling your feelings.

I agree. I will say something. I won't go all guns blazing, in case there's a reasonable explanation, but I will mention I've noticed it.

[meido]

Intuition is rarely wrong

[JacquelineCarlyle]

Agree with @meido sadly Op - your intuition is likely spot on and he's getting ready to ghost you. Hope we're wrong & good luck.

[honestjon]

@JacquelineCarlyle

Agree with *@meido* sadly Op - your intuition is likely spot on and he's getting ready to ghost you. Hope we're wrong & good luck.

I'm going to ask upfront. I've done it before and, while I sadly tend to be right, at least I've not wasted any more time.

[JacquelineCarlyle]

True @honestjon - good luck!

[avamiah]

Sounds a bit strange from what you have said about him to be honest so I would give him the benefit of the doubt for a day at least 🙄

But I would give him a call or send a text whatever you usually do and ask if he is ok as you haven’t heard from him, then at least you will feel a bit better.

[LimeRedBanana]

Totally get you @honestjon - I’d be feeling disappointed to, and noticing the change.

Good for you taking the bull by the horns - you’re in control, so if things have changed for him in a way that’s not satisfactory for you, you call the shots.

[HeartIess]

Soap it’s been like 24 hours son w he left and you’ve not heard anything ?

Have you contact him?

I wouldn’t be ok with that sudden change

Hopefully he’ll get in touch

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

Trouble is you’re not “ in control”.

You’re the one feeling disappointed, sad confused and needy. He’s thinking he’s had a nice night with his girlfriend and now he’s having a fun day with his mates.

You’re confronting/questioning him in the hope you’re wrong and he’s madly keen about you. But when you phone or text him, he’s got the power. If he’s a wrong’un can lie ( phone dies), make excuses, or just ignore you and call when it’s convenient for him, leaving you hanging. If he’s keen, then yes neediness is off putting.

Let him do the wondering. Which he will do if you leave it long enough. Do the same as him and go off and fun with you’re friends. Have something to talk about when he does call.

[lifehappened]

Probably just got completely wasted.

[honestjon]

I spoke to him and asked if there was a problem.

He said there was none at all and he'd just been busy, but was concerned I was someone who wanted a lot of contact and he wasn't able to give that.

On the contrary, I'm not someone who expects that at all - it was just that he'd been constantly in touch previously, so the change of pace was a concern. He explained the cause (life suddenly getting way busier) and apologised.

Seems to be all good - we agreed we were on the same page. I do sense he took the opportunity to make it very clear he wasn't head-over-heels just yet (and neither am I) but I think we'll carry on seeing each other.

[honestjon]

And while this good outcome means I may have come across looking needy and ruined an otherwise good situation, the pay off of not having a few more days of wondering what the hell happened, seems worth it.

It doesn't seem an outrageous ask to wonder why someone went from constant keeping in touch, to barely saying hi every few days. I'm not sorry I asked.

[thesunwillout]

You sound like a very level headed person op, I think he's having second thoughts tbh.

As simple as that. A change in contact and behaviour combined with the sense of not head over heels.
Could be him just being cautious, or like I suggested he's not really convinced your compatible.

I'd see how it goes but not let it be too many times that you feel an uncertainty in this.

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

honestjon Well that’s good. It’s great he could have a frank conversation with you .

It doesn't seem an outrageous ask to wonder why someone went from constant keeping in touch, to barely saying hi every few days.
You do realise that pretty much every book on relationships touches on this exact phenomenon. It’s pretty common.

Maybe it’s only because gender conditioning, so just like at work where men and women expect to behave in similar ways, relationships will go the same way. The obvious way to deal with romantic relationships is in the way which protects the more vulnerable party. The one that’s more invested. Which is why letting him come to you, whilst you carrying on as you did before him is the safest bet.

[JacquelineCarlyle]

Glad you're pleased with the outcome. Personally I would now wait until he contacted you as he's made it clear he doesn't want someone who is needy (which you're not) and hopefully he's a mature adult who does want a relationship with you.

[CrouchEndTiger12]

@QueenBee52

So he's changed his usual pattern of behaviour.. normal casual texting has gone silent after he spent the night.... that's unfair..

any normal person would be wondering WTF...

Anyone suggesting you are over reacting, are belittling your feelings.

I agree. Last time I spent a night for the first time (no sex but intimacy) he texted me within barely half an hour of saying good bye.

He thanked me for an amazing evening and told me how special I was.

You're not over reacting op

[CrouchEndTiger12]

It is ridiculous that men think it is abnormal to want some contact after sharing a bed together. It doesn't make anyone needy to want that.

[honestjon]

Thanks all. I've backed off now. I'm trying to ignore the nagging feeling that I should've kept quiet.

That said, I do think it's somewhat absurd (and somewhat patriarchal) that it is somehow unacceptable to ask why someone's gone very quiet, in early dating.

I don't remember any of this from the first time round. I think I just met my ex, we liked each other, we dated, that was that!

[JacquelineCarlyle]

The problem, IMHO @honestjon, is that when someone truly likes you, they don't do this - they contact straight away (or within a reasonable timeframe) and they don't play games. That said, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like you, but I would be a bit more wary.

[Notanotheruser111]

I don’t think the problem is that you asked. It seems like he might be the type who put a lot of effort in and then relax a lot. He has set up the expectation for contact often, you asking why it’s dropped off isn’t needy.

[bathsh3ba]

I think the problem is that modern 'dating' puts the power firmly in the hands of the man. You only have to read the posts on here to see it. Sure, some men are looking for genuine commitment and won't mess a woman around. Sure, some women like to have casual sex/relationships and some women mess men around.

But most of the time, women want commitment and men who don't want commitment can manipulate that and men mess women around more than women do.

Men don't have to work to get a woman any more - a seemingly endless menu is available on OLD or sex personals or Only Fans or whatever. For some reason women have accepted the concept of multiple dating until exclusivity and other such ideas, which serve men far more than women.

I still think it's better to do things the old-fashioned way, which was actually designed to protect women. Don't pursue him. If he's interested, he'll come to you - there are endless ways to indicate your interest without actually asking him out. Don't be intimate without commitment. Don't put up with disrespect.

[Eddielzzard]

I think it was off of him to be concerned about the level of contact when it's only because that's how it was up until that point.

I'd be more guarded from here on.

[WaterBottle123]

Him complaining that you wanted the same level of contact as before is dick behaviour. He's downgrading your expectations.