To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

[honestjon]

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

[honestjon]

@bathsh3ba

I think the problem is that modern 'dating' puts the power firmly in the hands of the man. You only have to read the posts on here to see it. Sure, some men are looking for genuine commitment and won't mess a woman around. Sure, some women like to have casual sex/relationships and some women mess men around.

But most of the time, women want commitment and men who don't want commitment can manipulate that and men mess women around more than women do.

Men don't have to work to get a woman any more - a seemingly endless menu is available on OLD or sex personals or Only Fans or whatever. For some reason women have accepted the concept of multiple dating until exclusivity and other such ideas, which serve men far more than women.

I still think it's better to do things the old-fashioned way, which was actually designed to protect women. Don't pursue him. If he's interested, he'll come to you - there are endless ways to indicate your interest without actually asking him out. Don't be intimate without commitment. Don't put up with disrespect.

I guess my argument here would be that ignoring it and staying quiet while feeling crap about it, gives him more power in my view. It gets him off scott-free from meeting up to any level of expectation that I have.

On the other hand, getting it out in the open at least gives both people a chance to air their views. I'm kind of sick of cutting men slack all the time.

[33feethighandrising]

I think the writing's on the wall tbh.

He's changed his behaviour. And when asked about it, he tried to shift the blame onto you be implying you were after more contact than he could offer, which is just bullshit as it's him who's changed his behaviour not you who's demanding something new.

Lots of men are all about the chase. He may well be one of them. He certainly doesn't treat you with the decency you treat him.

What do you want from a relationship? Are you looking for an occasional companion to depend time with, or a relationship that may develop?

If you're after a proper relationship, ditch this guy, he's standing in the way of you meeting someone who will, at the very least, text you after sex and make you feel wonderful, not ignore you and make you feel anxious.

[SunshineCake]

An hour ago you weren't sorry you asked so don't let it become a thing. If he runs then he wasn't right for you.

[honestjon]

I am trying not to be too outing by giving too many details but his reasons for being far less busy then vs now are legitimate. Additionally, his texts were actually very nice and he said he'd love to keep seeing me.

That said, I'm readjusting my level of optimism on the whole thing as I am not stupid and I know if he were super keen, it would be extremely clear, which it isn't.

I am still dating a few other people at the moment and will continue doing so.

[oprahwindfuryy]

Fuck him op. He changed the norm, then pushed it on you. I would have, like you, asked the question. Would have told him to do one with that response though. Is he heck busy. It’s like a weird conditioning thing, to get you to accept less. Not on.

[bathsh3ba]

@honestjon, I'm not saying you shouldn't be direct with him if you're in a relationship. I'm definitely up for being clear about your needs - and I think what you said comes under not accepting disrespect. So it wasn't a criticism of you at all ... just a critique of modern dating, which really gets me wound up!

[crimsonlake]

I hate this, ...he set up your expectation of frequent contact, slept with you and is now withdrawing as you are too 'needy'. Basically it translates in to he got what he wanted, thinks he has you were he 'wants'. Stuff that op I would dump him just for the game he is now playing which is already messing with your head.

[Baberuthie]

Honestjon he sort of has to send nice messages now doesn't he if he is going to stay around because you've called him out on his changed behaviour. Don't ignore your gut feeling which is you were surprised and you were expecting more. I imagine you'll be having this feeling again if you carry on seeing him tbh.

[Feelinglow27]

I had almost this exact situation, and I'd say listen to your gut. In the end I forced the conversation and yes he wasn't as keen as me and it left me feeling shut. Always trust your gut! You're right he would be messaging if he was into you and you wouldn't be having to think about it. A lesson for me.

[PiscesScot]

@beastlyslumber

Yeah, don't contact him. It's weird he hasn't got in touch with you. Give him until tomorrow and if he doesn't message... game over. Sorry. Or you could think of it as a lucky escape. Don't text him first.

This, 100%. In my experience, if you feel something is off or different from usual, it probably is.

If you message him again, the best case scenario is he messages back but you won’t know if it’s just a guilt answer or to shut you up. Keep your dignity x

[CrouchEndTiger12]

He's thinking oh shit better not think I like her too much. He wouldn't be getting me in bed again any time soon.

I'd honestly turn into the reactive one. Don't text unless he texts first

[Aliceclara]

I would walk away. He's playing mind games with you and gaslighting you. He knows what he's doing and it's not acceptable to treat anybody that way. If you stay with this man he will gradually erode your confidence. You deserve more.

[ineedanewnameplease]

Well if you're still dating a few other people why are you so invested in him?

Keep,your options open, enjoy life.

[Baberuthie]

After reading the thread more my prediction is he is one of these guys who is only keen when kept at a distance, I've known a few of these. Whenever it starts to feel like a real relationship, they bail. Best avoided if that is what you want otherwise it turns into a dance and a headache and you've got to second guess how you behave all the time so as not to scare them away!! That's my experience of these types.

[ForeverSausages]

I'm glad you asked him outright OP. I'm not a fan of his response as it's him that's changed the level of communication, not you. Good luck with the dating though! .

[30degreesandmeltinghere]

Does he know that you are dating other people?

[Porcupineintherough]

You did the right thing OP. If he's a good prospect then you texting would be no problem. Now the ball is in his court, far better then you second guessing and gas lighting yourself.

[HeartIess]

I’ll be honest OP
I doubt much will come of this

I’d be keeping him well at a distance now


There another thread running about why men are shit - this sort of low level contempt of women is a huge part of it

[MyOtherProfile]

@honestjon

I am trying not to be too outing by giving too many details but his reasons for being far less busy then vs now are legitimate. Additionally, his texts were actually very nice and he said he'd love to keep seeing me.

That said, I'm readjusting my level of optimism on the whole thing as I am not stupid and I know if he were super keen, it would be extremely clear, which it isn't.

I am still dating a few other people at the moment and will continue doing so.

Are you also sleeping with the other people you're dating? Is he dating other people / sleeping with them? Does he know you are?

I was right with you until this post. If you're not exclusive you can't expect him to behave like it's a relationship.

[WeatherForecast]

He’s not that into you tbh, and whether you messaged him first and broached the topic or not wouldn’t have changed a thing in that regard.

In the early weeks of seeing DH I felt like he wasn’t putting in enough effort into planning to see me, didn’t seem super keen to get the next date in the diary kinda thing, so I messaged him and said I could sense things cooling off a little, that was fine and I was happy to be friends and had had fun.

He rang me within seconds of seeing it, asked to see me that night, took me out for drinks and the minute we sat down in the pub gave me a little speech about how he was head over heels for me but hadn’t wanted to scare me off as he knew I was only recently single, he didn’t think he’d have a chance with someone like me and was trying to rein himself in and be a bit cool so as not to ruin it. And that he was sorry as he’d obviously been a bit too cool!

I was pretty taken aback and figured it might just be hot air but true to his word after that conversation where we both said we really liked each other it was plain sailing forevermore. Lots of effort, couldn’t wait to see me, taking me out all the time, making it official etc.

Your guy responded to a very normal need for reassurance with a ‘sorry, I can’t meet even that baseline need of yours’. He isn’t afraid of losing you or scaring you off, he’s letting you know that he won’t give you what you’re saying you need and setting your expectations really really low. If you continue to see him it’ll be on his terms and won’t lead anywhere imo.

I think anyone with any level of empathy recognises that when you’ve spent the night together it feels a bit different to a coffee date, you’ve been vulnerable with that person and it’s normal to feel a bit uneasy the next day without the person getting in touch, especially when it’s been an intense period of contact previously. If he had a genuine reason then it wouldn’t have happened a second time. When we met DH was a busy A&E doctor but still made time to message, call, and plan dates. Everyone uses the bathroom and can send a text, it takes seconds.

Be proud of yourself for speaking up for your needs, you avoided further days of angst wondering what was going on. In your shoes now I’d write it off and maybe send one last message saying you don’t think it’s a romantic match, it’s been nice to hang out and best of luck with the future, and then block so you’re not tempted to keep messaging.

You’ve done everything right here, he just isn’t into you, and you shouldn’t be into him either with this ‘you’re needy and I can’t meet your requirements and here’s another couple days of radio silence’ behaviour.

Have you ever read the book ‘he’s just not that into you’? It’s actually excellent. Not usually one for dating or self help type books but it’s absolutely spot on. Saves you a lot of pining!

[FloFlower]

@WaterBottle123

Him complaining that you wanted the same level of contact as before is dick behaviour. He's downgrading your expectations.

💯 agree with this. I would not be happy with this behaviour at all. It’s clear you’re not happy with this either. I think you deserve more than being treated like an inconvenience when he is the one who has charge style/frequency of communication.

He would be on thin, thin ice if it were me.

[honestjon]

@MyOtherProfile I'm not sleeping with anyone else, no. Just people I was seeing before I met him and in the earlier days of dating him, that I'm still in touch with.

I'd have withdrawn from seeing them further if this were getting more serious but I don't think it is.

And yes, we'd had a conversation about it not being exclusive yet.

I still don't think this justifies getting in touch less after spending the night with someone! I don't think that level of respect is specific only to relationships.

[MyOtherProfile]

It does sound like he's just not that keen then, really. I'd leave it for now and see if he makes contact, since you have been contacting him.

[HarebrightCedarmoon]

If I had to think about game-playing and texting tactics with someone I wouldn't bother. Either they like you or they're not that into you. However, I would hate it if anyone texted me all the time and think they have no life and are obsessive/needy.

[BoxHedge]

I think you did the right thing asking him about it, but if I were you I’d forget about him now, he is clearly ‘not that into you’.

After 3 months, if it was going to work out, I’d expect you’d be in each others’ pockets, and not thinking about seeing other people or wondering what each other is feeling. You deserve better.