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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

290 replies

honestjon · 24/07/2021 16:19

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

OP posts:
Funk2funky · 26/07/2021 08:51

He didn’t text you the next day, as was with a friend and probably tired afterwards, I would have left it an extra day.
If a guy had started going on at me after we slept together about my contact levels - I’d run for the hills.
Better to get busy and put it to the back of your mind. If it goes on for weeks where he doesn’t initiate texts etc then fair enough but we all can get caught up.
Having said that, however, he said he’s not ready to be exclusive is that right? And it’s been three months? That would be the biggest red flag to me. I don’t think he’s that into you in that case. Unfortunately, in the attempt to be seen as a good person, or to get more sex, he might be trying to keep what you have going but with minimum effort. Leaving him to initiate contact will soon show if he’s bothered or not, if you keep contacting him he might just go along with things but not be truly interested. You’ll end up feeling used and hurt. That is why I used to let men I dated contact me in the beginning. It weeds out the users and lazy ones. It’s not being 1950s, it’s actually more empowering not to be left anxious and wondering. I would just move on after a week if no/ little contact or effort. Not wasting time with someone who makes no effort. I set the boundaries of how people treat me, it’s very empowering.

IrisAtwood · 26/07/2021 08:57

@honestjon

Thanks all. I've backed off now. I'm trying to ignore the nagging feeling that I should've kept quiet.

That said, I do think it's somewhat absurd (and somewhat patriarchal) that it is somehow unacceptable to ask why someone's gone very quiet, in early dating.

I don't remember any of this from the first time round. I think I just met my ex, we liked each other, we dated, that was that!

Of course you shouldn’t have kept quiet. You are overthinking all of this.

He changed his behaviour and you asked him about it in a mature and reasonable way.

I am pretty sure that most people would have asked the same thing.

HaveringWavering · 26/07/2021 08:57

OP if you haven't read it already, I recommend the book "He's just not that into you". I found it really enlightening. I don't mean that it will tell you that this guy is not into you-not enough info in your posts to tell. But the book may help you put his behaviour into context. It's a really easy read.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 26/07/2021 08:59

@Aliceclara

I would walk away. He's playing mind games with you and gaslighting you. He knows what he's doing and it's not acceptable to treat anybody that way. If you stay with this man he will gradually erode your confidence. You deserve more.
She’s still dating other people.

I don’t think he’s doing anything she’s not.

honestjon · 26/07/2021 09:00

@HarebrightCedarmoon

If I had to think about game-playing and texting tactics with someone I wouldn't bother. Either they like you or they're not that into you. However, I would hate it if anyone texted me all the time and think they have no life and are obsessive/needy.
That's far from what was happening.

He was texting more or less constantly when we first met. Like morning, noon and night.

Then he went a little quieter but that was ok - his job status changed and that was expected.

But no text at all from someone after spending the night, having heard from them literally constantly beforehand, was the red flag.

I'm not sure that makes me needy?

And today I reached out and said he'd been quite and was that a sign it had run its course, which was fine, I'd just prefer to know so I'm not kept guessing.

OP posts:
Funk2funky · 26/07/2021 09:03

Op please stop reaching out. It’s too intense! Even if someone does like you, behaviour like this would have them running a mile. Just imagine a man doing it to you.
You’re just doing a slow fade here , he will reassure you, then do it again, you’ll question , he’ll reassure , do it again.
If you just leave the contact you’ll have a quicker answer. The reason people ghost is that some people don’t have the guts to tell you the truth! Or are stringing you along for sex.

allycat4 · 26/07/2021 09:11

Honestly OP - he's just not that into you. You don't sound into him either, so stop chasing! My best advice to you is to dump him and block!

Then find someone who treats you properly - you'll never have to chase the right person.

Journeynotdestination · 26/07/2021 09:13

It would be a swift dump from me. It’s disrespectful to not contact someone after sleeping with them, especially if he’s been all over you like a rash previously. I couldn’t be doing with that at all.

HeartIess · 26/07/2021 09:15

Omg just read your update

Stop being so needy!
I’d be massively put off if I were the guy here

You said something

Now drop it

honestjon · 26/07/2021 09:20

@Funk2funky

Op please stop reaching out. It’s too intense! Even if someone does like you, behaviour like this would have them running a mile. Just imagine a man doing it to you. You’re just doing a slow fade here , he will reassure you, then do it again, you’ll question , he’ll reassure , do it again. If you just leave the contact you’ll have a quicker answer. The reason people ghost is that some people don’t have the guts to tell you the truth! Or are stringing you along for sex.
If I were doing this to a man, I'd be glad they were instinctive enough to reach out and ask if there was an issue and would take the opportunity to be honest that I wasn't really feeling it.

I don't think people should be allowed to get away with just ghosting - it's so disrespectful.

OP posts:
CrouchEndTiger12 · 26/07/2021 09:22

What is it they say

The less the hope, the hotter my love

You weren't bothered until he pulled away. Try and calm your nerves. The worst thing you could do right now is keep contacting him. Let him come to you.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 26/07/2021 09:23

I don't think people should be allowed to get away with just ghosting - it's so disrespectful.

You lost me there. Get away with it in what sense? He can do what he likes. If he wants to cut contact it is rubbish and rude but he can.

It doesn't feel any better to be told they're not interested.

honestjon · 26/07/2021 09:24

@HeartIess

Omg just read your update

Stop being so needy!
I’d be massively put off if I were the guy here

You said something

Now drop it

Perhaps I am being single-minded, but what was needy?

I am not someone who texts all day long - when he was texting a lot to start with, I was usually the one to say 'sorry, really busy but chat later'.

I am a very level headed person but asking why someone went from 100 to 0 after spending the night doesn't seem needy, it seems reasonable.

Conversely I've dated people who rarely text and that's just the norm for them, it's no big deal to me at all. This was a dramatic change in contact levels and it was hard not to wonder why.

Even if he had gone off me, I'd prefer to give him the opportunity to state that, rather than allow him to slink away like a coward, leaving my wondering.

OP posts:
honestjon · 26/07/2021 09:26

@CrouchEndTiger12

I don't think people should be allowed to get away with just ghosting - it's so disrespectful.

You lost me there. Get away with it in what sense? He can do what he likes. If he wants to cut contact it is rubbish and rude but he can.

It doesn't feel any better to be told they're not interested.

I'm afraid I don't agree. I much prefer someone to tell me. I've been on both sides of it before and find it much more civilised to discuss it than to have one person left wondering.

What's the downside?

OP posts:
HBC125 · 26/07/2021 09:27

@honestjon I think you have handled this really well. You trusted your gut feeling that something was off. It was really rude of him to have eased off texting after your first night together. You can see he isnt as keen as he was initially, yet he is pretending all is fine whilst clearly behaving cooler. Mixed messages from him. Head fuck. I'd say proceed with caution.

HaveringWavering · 26/07/2021 09:28

If I were doing this to a man, I'd be glad they were instinctive enough to reach out and ask if there was an issue and would take the opportunity to be honest that I wasn't really feeling it.

The problem is that most men are conflict avoidant and would rather respond with “oh no it’s all great, I’m just busy” than admit outright they’ve gone off you. Then they ghost you instead. So your approach probably won’t change the outcome, it will just give you false reassurance. Have you read the book I mentioned upthread?

DrManhattan · 26/07/2021 09:28

I'd take the hint

HaveringWavering · 26/07/2021 09:29

Unfortunately you preferring to just be told doesn’t help if he prefers not to say!

CrouchEndTiger12 · 26/07/2021 09:29

I'm afraid I don't agree. I much prefer someone to tell me. I've been on both sides of it before and find it much more civilised to discuss it than to have one person left wondering.

Yes well he doesn't share your views and you can't make him.

It is also counterproductive. Assume for a second he is telling the truth and something has happened. You push push pushing him to talk to you is just going to piss him off and you'll ruin any chance he will come back around.

ForeverSausages · 26/07/2021 09:31

I also disagree, I'd much rather be told someone is no longer interested. Always. You can have respect for someone even if you no longer see them romantically. You've done nothing wrong OP.

WeatherForecast · 26/07/2021 09:32

People tell you a great deal with their actions. More than they do with their words.

He isn't messaging you: he doesn't want to message you. Wild horses don't get in the way of a man contacting a woman he's really into.

He's already letting you know where you fall in his pecking order/how much he's thinking about you. You just need to listen instead of pushing him to give you that same info in a way you find easier to digest.

TatianaBis · 26/07/2021 09:33

The line that you may need more attention than he can give is very telling. If he texts all the time and then stops texting after sex that’s a fairly big message. He’s setting a bit of distance between you.

TatianaBis · 26/07/2021 09:33

@WeatherForecast

People tell you a great deal with their actions. More than they do with their words.

He isn't messaging you: he doesn't want to message you. Wild horses don't get in the way of a man contacting a woman he's really into.

He's already letting you know where you fall in his pecking order/how much he's thinking about you. You just need to listen instead of pushing him to give you that same info in a way you find easier to digest.

Yes.
TatianaBis · 26/07/2021 09:36

I don’t actually think OP is wrong to be upfront and to want him to be upfront.

There’s no law that says if a guy cold shoulders you you can’t ask him to admit it.

It may be a bit embarrassing and I would want to be cooler than that but there’s no right/wrong way to go about it.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 26/07/2021 09:38

We all have different opinions and approaches. Personally I wouldn't want to give them the opportunity to reject me and tell me they aren't interested.

I'd rather keep my dignity and therefore they will always remember I couldn't care less they stopped contact.

A guy goes quiet and you want to force them to tell you they don't want you. OK.

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