To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

[honestjon]

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

[Crunchymum]

It's been forever since I've been on the circuit. Whilst I'd have definitely felt a bit put out about the situation your describe @honestjon I'd have sent a message "hope you had a good day, night xx" and left it at that.

No reply by lunchtime the following day and I think my inner crazy would begin to emerge

I am glad SM / smartphones weren't around when I was dating!!

[Pumperthepumper]

I don’t know why people act like it’s a massive disruption to send a text message to someone you’re dating. It’s not being needy, it’s an expectation of normal behaviour. Not texting all day is off, especially when he normally does.

[chunderwunder]

@DrManhattan

Are you 13 and someone gave you a copy of The Rules for Christmas?

[Busybee5000]

Mobile phones are frowned upon/banned on golf courses. If it went off when the “vital” shot was being played - disaster! So leave it be, nothing personal.

[beastlyslumber]

My dad once gave me some good advice about men which seems worth passing on here OP. He said, "golf is a game for cunts."

[girlmom21]

@beastlyslumber

My dad once gave me some good advice about men which seems worth passing on here OP. He said, "golf is a game for cunts."

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[1forAll74]

It's a good job you were not dating in the oldie days. I met the man, who became my Husband four years later. We used to see each other every weekend, then he was away at UNI all week, I used to write a little letter to him mid week, but no phone calls, unless I went to the phone box at the end of the road..Meeting up at the end of the week was great, lots to talk about. This went on for almost three years, as he did two degrees, then a PHD.

In todays world, where everyone needs to be in constant touch with a boyfriend whatever, would drive me mad.

[DrManhattan]

@chunderwunder
Lol

[ForeverSausages]

@beastlyslumber we'll have to agree to disagree. I don't see why men should pursue women. You can both pursue each other . But I've never been the type of woman to wait until a man messages first, holding back, or not wanting to be the first to contact. And it's never been an issue. And if it was, it's not meant to be.

[beastlyslumber]

You can both pursue each other

@ForeverSausages (great username btw!) I agree, that is ideal. But I think often men who aren't interested enough in a woman to pursue her will sleep with her and go along for a bit if she pursues him. She thinks he likes her and it's all fine. But he is just going along with it because it's easy. Obvs you don't want to be with someone like that and it's likely you'll end up getting hurt. If you hold off in the beginning, you will cut out the men like this and be left with the ones who are actively interested in you. Then you can pursue them back!

[ForeverSausages]

Ahhh but then even worse, you get the men that see it as a "challenge" and actively pursue you to get you into bed. Ahhh I don't miss dating life!

[beastlyslumber]

@ForeverSausages

Ahhh but then even worse, you get the men that see it as a "challenge" and actively pursue you to get you into bed. Ahhh I don't miss dating life!

Ahhhhahaha that's so true!

[Chickychickydodah]

Maybe he doesn’t want to tell you you fart in your sleep😩.
Just kidding I hope he contacts you .

[PercyPigandMe]

Here's the thing though. Op says he left at 11am and, where they are, it was 12.30 am and she'd not heard from him in all that time.

That's completely normal of course BUT op also says it's not their usual pattern - he messages on and off every day throughout the day. So this is unusual behaviour from him and the op has picked up on it

Hopefully all is well and it's just one of those things. I'd probably drop him one text asking if he enjoyed golf etc but then I'd leave it and see how it pans out.

[standupsitdownturnaround]

OP, have you heard from him yet/messaged him? Please update us.

I understand feeling a bit unsettled if it's off the normal pattern but personally I'd try not to bring it up. I don't think it's good to pressure someone to make contact a certain number of times in case they then associate the contact with obligation instead of pleasure. I know it's not that easy when you feel insecure at the start of something.

[Herecomesthesun70]

Ha w you heard from him?

[honestjon]

@standupsitdownturnaround

OP, have you heard from him yet/messaged him? Please update us.

I understand feeling a bit unsettled if it's off the normal pattern but personally I'd try not to bring it up. I don't think it's good to pressure someone to make contact a certain number of times in case they then associate the contact with obligation instead of pleasure. I know it's not that easy when you feel insecure at the start of something.

I did (after reaching out to him) we chatted for a bit but then there was another whole day of silence, so I'm not sure what the deal is just yet!

[caringcarer]

Play it cool. You will look like a bunny boiler if you tell him you are disappointed he has not text you. Don't let it spoil what you have.

[Missedopportunity]

Do you snore? Do you sleeptalk? Do you fart in your sleep?

[honestjon]

@Missedopportunity

Do you snore? Do you sleeptalk? Do you fart in your sleep?

These are the questions I'm asking myself!

[TheSkatesOfCoachBombay]

Sounds like he's getting ready to ghost you in my experience. Goes from every day chatting to every other day to eventually radio silence....

I think you need to decide what you want to do, pop him on the back burner and carry on dating others. Or sit around waiting for your phone to ping.

I know which one I'd choose....

[honestjon]

@TheSkatesOfCoachBombay

Sounds like he's getting ready to ghost you in my experience. Goes from every day chatting to every other day to eventually radio silence....

I think you need to decide what you want to do, pop him on the back burner and carry on dating others. Or sit around waiting for your phone to ping.

I know which one I'd choose....

I agree. I'm a little too old to play these games so will probably ask him outright, if I don't hear anything today.

[Shuffleuplove]

What a horrible situation. I hope he steps up.

[HerrenaHarridan]

As somebody who needs to not be looking at their phone all day I think you may be over thinking

Being in constant message contact throughout the day is not sustainable for a lot of people

Ask for what you need wether you think it’s reasonable or not... daily texts, to be held, commitment, children...

If the person isn’t offering that to you or able to be consistent about that then you need to decide if that’s a dealbreaker or not for you.

Arsing about playing head games and expecting mind reading is a recipe for misery all round

That’s said. I think it is healthy to be unavailable to a partner sometimes. Have your own life and weave them into it, don’t make them your whole world... you’re a person not a half!

[QueenBee52]

So he's changed his usual pattern of behaviour.. normal casual texting has gone silent after he spent the night.... that's unfair..

any normal person would be wondering WTF...

Anyone suggesting you are over reacting, are belittling your feelings.