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Original poster

DPs ex won't let him meet his child

170 replies

aktion · 24/07/2021 10:34

Name changed.

My DP was in a relationship for 2 years as a teenager. They split up when he was 17/18 as he had a one night stand with someone else and he admitted it to her straight away but she split up with him and blocked him, he knew he deserved it so he didn't try and contact her or her friends again.

About 2 months ago, his mum told him she saw his ex and that her son looks like him, he brushed it off at the time. A few weeks after that, he searched her name on Facebook and found her profile, it was public so he saw the child and he does look like DP. He brushed it off again but I could tell he was thinking about it a lot so he went on her profile and found out the child was about 8, and we worked it out that he was with his ex, 9 months before the child was born. He sent her a message but not a friend request so she didn't see it. This week, he decided to send her friend request and she accepted it and saw the message. She told him that he is the father but to leave them alone as he already has a dad and it'll just confuse him and it's his own fault that he can't be involved, but he didn't even know she was pregnant! DP doesn't know what to do now, he doesn't know whether to leave his son as he seems happy and he probably believes the other man is his father but he also wants to meet his son.

Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
aprilanne · 24/07/2021 10:40

As hard as it is I would just leave the little boy alone .he must come first but partner be ready if the child comes looking when he is older

forinborin · 24/07/2021 10:40

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.

Pissoi · 24/07/2021 10:44

The child is 9, leave him be and don't get involved. Your partner might want to meet him but its not about him, its about the child.

LagunaBubbles · 24/07/2021 10:46

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance

Projecting much.

princesslarmadrama · 24/07/2021 10:47

@forinborin are you actually serious? Why should he back pay 9 years of maintenance if he didn't know the child existed?

I'm torn because it could do more damage to the child when older if he finds out everyone but he knew who he biological father is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2021 10:48

@forinborin

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.
Do you really. Why is that? As she’s said, he already has a dad and OP’s partner isn’t welcome. Why on Earth would he have to pay a penny when he didn’t even know he was a dad?
Chickychoccyegg · 24/07/2021 10:49

What a shame, but I think it's in the cjilds best interests to leave it, hopefully his mum will tell him the truth one day.
He's not due 9 years of child maintenance for a child he didn't know existed, dont be so silly!

forinborin · 24/07/2021 10:50

@LagunaBubbles

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance

Projecting much.

Why? If he wants to meet the child as their "father" - well, being a father usually comes with some obligations, no?
ineedaholidaynow · 24/07/2021 10:50

Secrets like this very rarely end well.

Fullofglee · 24/07/2021 10:51

It's a difficult one I don't think lying to a child.and denting their parentage is fair and the opportunity for an extended family 9 is a tricky again as they are more self aware.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/07/2021 10:52

Of course he doesnt need to pay 9 years maintenance, he wasnt even aware of the childs existence.
It's a tough one as he doesnt want to cause issues for the son and his family now or unsettle him. But the likelihood is that the son will find out eventually when he is older and he will feel a lot worse about it if and when he realises that his biological father knew and never made any effort. By doing nothing he is colluding in lying to this child. If I was him I'd try and keep in contact with the mother and say he will respect her wishes for now and he doesnt want to cause trouble but with the rise in DNA testing etc and social media its 3xtremely likely that the child will find out when he is older and the longer they lie to him the worse it will be for him when he does find out so is there any way they could think about introducing him gradually when they have got used to the idea, reassure them he doesn't want to take him away from them etc.
I guess otherwise he could take them to court but that's likely to lead to a breakdown in relationships and parental alienation.
In the mean time I think he should keep a record of all communication with the mum, and should be writing letters to his son, saving money for him etc so that one day even when it's when he is grown up he can show him that even though he didnt contact him he was thinking about him

LagunaBubbles · 24/07/2021 10:52

Why? If he wants to meet the child as their "father" - well, being a father usually comes with some obligations, no?

Being a Mother has obligations to, like telling a man they are a father.. no?

schoolmoveworrier · 24/07/2021 10:53

@forinborin

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.
What?! That's absolutely insane.
Theunamedcat · 24/07/2021 10:53

Are you sure he didn't know she was pregnant

WillowGrand · 24/07/2021 10:53

Oh wow that’s hard, and she should be ashamed.

I wouldn’t think the secret will last forever but I would probably not try to force contact if the boy is happy and settled with a “dad”.

I’d maybe set up a bank account for him, save each month, write him some letters and wait until the truth is known to be there when he comes looking.

And no he doesn’t “owe” anything for the last 9 years of being lied to!!

Ivy48 · 24/07/2021 10:53

Perhaps send a clear message of “if you think it’s best for him then ok, I would love to know him but if he’s settled with someone who he thinks is dad then ok. But I would like him to know about me when he’s of age and he’s always welcome to knock the door”. Perhaps he could set a savings account him for him for when he’s of age to show once he knew he didn’t forget? I don’t think I’d stir the pot of the child’s happy and settled.

woohoo54 · 24/07/2021 10:55

I'm surprised by a lot of replies on here - the cat is out of the bag now OP so the child will find eventually and then he'll come
Looking for your DP and likely ask why didn't you try and find me when you knew? If he wants a relationship with his child he may have to go through the courts but he isn't the mums child alone. She kept his secret but he has a right to know the child he helped to create - whether the mum wants that or not.

Girlintheframe · 24/07/2021 10:55

Every child deserves to know their father.

Secrets like this generally end very very badly.

LagunaBubbles · 24/07/2021 10:55

Lying to children never works out well either the truth eventually comes out.

forinborin · 24/07/2021 10:57

Do you really. Why is that? As she’s said, he already has a dad and OP’s partner isn’t welcome.
Well, that is exactly why. If the child already, for all intents and purposes, has a dad and the biological father wants a big reveal moment now, it is only fair that he actually picks up at least the financial side, no? Of course he won't be legally obliged to, but morally, I think, he should - if he wants to be a part of the picture.

Hankunamatata · 24/07/2021 10:59

What a terrible secret. Its not going to end well. Perhaps dp could get some counselling about it so he can decide what to do. In meantime he could start writing letters to his son and keep them just incase everything later explodes.

schoolmoveworrier · 24/07/2021 10:59

@forinborin

Do you really. Why is that? As she’s said, he already has a dad and OP’s partner isn’t welcome. Well, that is exactly why. If the child already, for all intents and purposes, has a dad and the biological father wants a big reveal moment now, it is only fair that he actually picks up at least the financial side, no? Of course he won't be legally obliged to, but morally, I think, he should - if he wants to be a part of the picture.
Ah so it's pay per view then. Gross.

I agree that now he knows and if he does hey involved in his life there should be some contribution but I don't agree in paying 9 years worth of debt and I don't think money should be a condition of knowing your own child and frankly anyone who does has huge issues.

forinborin · 24/07/2021 10:59

Being a Mother has obligations to, like telling a man they are a father.. no?
Yes, but, unfortunately, everyone is responsible only for their own behaviour.

forinborin · 24/07/2021 11:01

Ah so it's pay per view then. Gross.
Gross or not, the children cost money, and being a parent usually comes with financial obligations too.

schoolmoveworrier · 24/07/2021 11:04

@forinborin

Ah so it's pay per view then. Gross. Gross or not, the children cost money, and being a parent usually comes with financial obligations too.
Yes and I have agreed with that, what I don't agree with is 9 years of "back pay" for a child he didn't know about. A big fat financial reward for his mum being a liar.

If you think money is the most important thing here I think you need to reassess your priorities.