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Original poster

DPs ex won't let him meet his child

170 replies

aktion · 24/07/2021 10:34

Name changed.

My DP was in a relationship for 2 years as a teenager. They split up when he was 17/18 as he had a one night stand with someone else and he admitted it to her straight away but she split up with him and blocked him, he knew he deserved it so he didn't try and contact her or her friends again.

About 2 months ago, his mum told him she saw his ex and that her son looks like him, he brushed it off at the time. A few weeks after that, he searched her name on Facebook and found her profile, it was public so he saw the child and he does look like DP. He brushed it off again but I could tell he was thinking about it a lot so he went on her profile and found out the child was about 8, and we worked it out that he was with his ex, 9 months before the child was born. He sent her a message but not a friend request so she didn't see it. This week, he decided to send her friend request and she accepted it and saw the message. She told him that he is the father but to leave them alone as he already has a dad and it'll just confuse him and it's his own fault that he can't be involved, but he didn't even know she was pregnant! DP doesn't know what to do now, he doesn't know whether to leave his son as he seems happy and he probably believes the other man is his father but he also wants to meet his son.

Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
SixesAndEights · 25/07/2021 18:26

I think if someone decides to stay out of their child's life then it shows them to be not that bothered and thus the child comes to the right conclusion when they do eventually find out at a later stage.

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/07/2021 18:28

Partners mum is a liar too, even her sister ( who she does not speak to ) complains about her always telling massive lies. She lied about where she lived to her sister for example. I have no doubt that she would have lied about her husband being his dad but she had the slight issue that him and his dad are different races. Due to his experience I'd be wary if this woman lied to him about who his bio father was.

JudgeJ · 25/07/2021 18:30

@forinborin

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.
If she has deliberately kept the knowledge of the child from him then that's her choice, she shouldn't be able to try and get money from him now. The rule should always be No contact = No money, unless there is a very good proven reason, other than the mother's own opinion.
Thehouseofmarvels · 25/07/2021 18:30

I meant my partner and his Stepdad are diffent races not him and his dad sorry. They are very obviosly not related which probably did not help his stepfathers temper. His mun was happy to let his stepfather do whatever to prevent her being left with four kids to bring up as a single mum.

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/07/2021 18:47

If I ever met anyone who advised my fiances bio father to ' stay out of it he has a dad' or ' save him a bit of money and write a few letters in case he comes looking as an adult' I'd have some word for them that would be too sweary to write here. He never would go looking because by 18 a kid will often asume the bio parent does not care. I would also explain to anyone who advised this that as my partner may have paternal siblings he does not know about my own children have been denied those relationships with half aunts uncles cousins ect. Fight for this kid. At 9 he will adapt. My partner bio father ' did not get involved'. His teachers must have seen that he was bruised all over, thin filthy and hardly went to school but not once did anyone ask if he was ok probably because they ' did not want to get involved ' none of their business '. People ' staying out' if things is why he has such severe mental health issues that working is sporadic and he has had years of therapy.

SunshineCake · 25/07/2021 18:52

The dad can hardly be blamed for not going looking for a child he didn't know existed and then the mother saying stay away. He should seek legal advice. Why should the mother get to dictate? So many double standards. Again.

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/07/2021 18:53

At nine he will have a shock but his will adapt. Fight for him and tell him his bio dad started fighting the second that he discoved the secret because he is valed and special. Please do for this kid what nobody did for my fiance. To this day some of his feelings of utter worthlessness come from the fact his bio father did not care so his stepfather was allowed to take out the anger that his wife got pregnant by someone else. His mother was happy to make the sacrifice to keep her family together and so his stepdad did not beat the children she liked better because they were by her husband rather than a fling.

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/07/2021 18:55

Or rather did not beat the other children as much as my partner.

Standrewsschool · 25/07/2021 19:02

I think dp should pursue it and find out the truth. Get a dna test to confirm his parentage. It’s not really up to the mother to say stay away, if dp is the dad, he has a right to be in his son’s life as well. How hurt would the boy if he found out in years to come that dp knew the truth, but decided to stay away.

The genie is out of the bottle now, it can’t be put back.

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/07/2021 19:15

Agree with the poster below and can confirm a bio parent staying away can cause unbelievable pain. People who say don't get involved id he is ' happy and settled with a 'dad' how do we know that everything is 100 sunshine and roses and always will be, between stepfather mother and this boy? Are we 100 percent sure step dad will never treat his bio kids better ?

ColdCottage · 25/07/2021 20:10

I feel children are very open to new things at this age still and if introduced in a sensitive way that telling them now while they are still young would be for the best.

Maybe a version of how your partner was the sperm donor (along these lines) but his father will always be his father as he has raised him and loves him and his is his son in every other way.

Play the benefits that he has new family members who love him now and will be around in his life.

Go very gentle with the introductions and I would stick to biological father. Not huge changes and staying over nights etc let that develop naturally. Maybe just a joining for a family play in the park then maybe cake somewhere etc. As he gets a bit older it can develop organically with the child taking the lead.

I agree not telling him will lead to everyone being the bad guys and the child having bad feeling when they are older for being lied to and kept in the dark. Resenting both sides perhaps for this.

Good luck. It's hard.

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/07/2021 21:00

I think the below post sounds excelent and sensible :)

ShaneTheThird · 27/07/2021 18:29

Definitely get him to seek legal advice and a paternity test.

notanothertakeaway · 27/07/2021 18:41

All children deserve to know their life story

As time passes, it will be increasingly difficult to tell the child. The right time never comes. And the child may well find out in an unplanned way, which could be devastating

Better for the child to be told the truth sooner rather than later. A DNA test is the way to start. If he's not even the bio father, then all this is academic

user1478172746 · 27/07/2021 20:47

Sad that women in our society are automatically tied to a man if become pregnant. She should have choice and protection. Father is a social construct, as most mamals/primates don't live in pairs. We choose how important father figure is for us (with help of society's conditioning, of course. People lie down and wake with the images of nuclear families everywhere).

Sadiecow · 27/07/2021 20:58

@user1478172746

Sad that women in our society are automatically tied to a man if become pregnant. She should have choice and protection. Father is a social construct, as most mamals/primates don't live in pairs. We choose how important father figure is for us (with help of society's conditioning, of course. People lie down and wake with the images of nuclear families everywhere).
🍪
Yesitsbess · 27/07/2021 21:26

Sorry I haven't RTFT but whilst he's processing could he put together an email account and write age-appropriate 'Letters' to his son (maybe inculde family if he chooses to tell them) so that if the son comes along one day he can show him the account or give him remote access and he can see that as soon as he found out about him he was thinking of him and writing down his family history in case he ever wanted to know. It may ward off any 'your dad didn't want to know you' stuff? I don't know. I do agree with setting him up a trust fund or bank account too, maybe ask close family to chip in for birthdays and Xmas again so he can see people were thinking of him.

Honeyroar · 27/07/2021 22:05

@user1478172746

Sad that women in our society are automatically tied to a man if become pregnant. She should have choice and protection. Father is a social construct, as most mamals/primates don't live in pairs. We choose how important father figure is for us (with help of society's conditioning, of course. People lie down and wake with the images of nuclear families everywhere).
Sad that women who think that can actually get pregnant.
Thehouseofmarvels · 27/07/2021 22:38

For the poster below who said women should not automatically be tied to a man if preganant.. you might feel that the woman should have the right not to have the man involved but what about the child's right to two parents. In the case of abusive men of course it is awful but you seem to be refering to just any man a woman might not fancy seeing again ?

Bythemillpond · 27/07/2021 23:15

user1478172746
Sad that women in our society are automatically tied to a man if become pregnant. She should have choice and protection. Father is a social construct, as most mamals/primates don't live in pairs. We choose how important father figure is for us (with help of society's conditioning, of course. People lie down and wake with the images of nuclear families everywhere

Way about the child’s needs?

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