DPs ex won't let him meet his child

[aktion]

Name changed.

My DP was in a relationship for 2 years as a teenager. They split up when he was 17/18 as he had a one night stand with someone else and he admitted it to her straight away but she split up with him and blocked him, he knew he deserved it so he didn't try and contact her or her friends again.

About 2 months ago, his mum told him she saw his ex and that her son looks like him, he brushed it off at the time. A few weeks after that, he searched her name on Facebook and found her profile, it was public so he saw the child and he does look like DP. He brushed it off again but I could tell he was thinking about it a lot so he went on her profile and found out the child was about 8, and we worked it out that he was with his ex, 9 months before the child was born. He sent her a message but not a friend request so she didn't see it. This week, he decided to send her friend request and she accepted it and saw the message. She told him that he is the father but to leave them alone as he already has a dad and it'll just confuse him and it's his own fault that he can't be involved, but he didn't even know she was pregnant! DP doesn't know what to do now, he doesn't know whether to leave his son as he seems happy and he probably believes the other man is his father but he also wants to meet his son.

Any advice will be appreciated

Havent RTFT but threads like this really piss me off. The number of comments they attract from people who if the sexes were reversed (obviously couldn't really be with something like this, but you understand the idea)it wouldn't happen. Should he have cheated? No. But seriously people think that is even in the same league as not telling a man, who you know isn't going to ask becuase he knows you don't want to talk to him and he understands, he is a father?

People on here say all the time when a man treats a woman badly that "he isn't a good dad if he treats the mother of his children like this" so how is this not the same? This woman has kept her childs father away from him for all his life, she might have told him the "father" bringing him up is his biological father. But all some people on here can say is the OPs partner should leave them to it becuase he will make life bad for the child by coming into his life?! What about the mother, it is her who has brought her child up knowing there is a bomb in his life that she has made, the father might be the one who sets it off, bit he wouldnt have had to if she hadn't done that to her son.

What is going to happen to this child when he finds out as an adult? Becuase if the father knows, his mum and step father know, his mums family likely know, his step dads family know, his fathers family now know and so does the OP. So he will find out. Will it be easier for him if he finds out at 16? 18? When hell be a teenager and will find out his life has been fake? That his mum has lied either just about his father abandoning him or likely even that someone else is his dad. You obviously cant just walk up to the child and tell him but he needs to know.
The father could talk to the mum again and try and get her to understand how important it is that his son knows and that he wants to be in his life. That he will tell him himself when hes 18 if she doesnt do it and he will show him the messages from her telling him he was a father, when she told him, and that he tried to get to see him and she said no (so if he doesnt get to be in his childs life now the child will know that he was wanted and it's his mum who has done this not his dad).

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

Agreed. What I couldn't believe were the comments about child maintenance. If a father kidnaps his baby away from its mother and keeps them separated for a decade because he unilaterally decided that was best for the child, should she owe him maintenance before she's allowed to see her child?

@Ivy48

Perhaps send a clear message of “if you think it’s best for him then ok, I would love to know him but if he’s settled with someone who he thinks is dad then ok. But I would like him to know about me when he’s of age and he’s always welcome to knock the door”. Perhaps he could set a savings account him for him for when he’s of age to show once he knew he didn’t forget? I don’t think I’d stir the pot of the child’s happy and settled.

this.

Oh gosh. I feel for you DP not knowing all this time.

As someone pointed out with the rise in DNA testing / find your family websites I expect the truth will come
Out one day.

I love the idea of previous posters of starting a little savings account for him and more importantly writing letters in a book for him, so he can see he was thought of and that his dad cared.

TBH I’d ask for a professional opinion on what to do and what’s best for his son.

Good luck!

I agree with @LifesNotEnidBlyton it’s not right that a woman has kept son and father away from one another for almost a decade.

I do not agree with some PP about staying away. It will get a LOT worse if the Ds finds out in his teens or as an adult. It is best that he finds out now. Your dh needs legal advice.

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

Havent RTFT but threads like this really piss me off. The number of comments they attract from people who if the sexes were reversed (obviously couldn't really be with something like this, but you understand the idea)it wouldn't happen. Should he have cheated? No. But seriously people think that is even in the same league as not telling a man, who you know isn't going to ask becuase he knows you don't want to talk to him and he understands, he is a father?

People on here say all the time when a man treats a woman badly that "he isn't a good dad if he treats the mother of his children like this" so how is this not the same? This woman has kept her childs father away from him for all his life, she might have told him the "father" bringing him up is his biological father. But all some people on here can say is the OPs partner should leave them to it becuase he will make life bad for the child by coming into his life?! What about the mother, it is her who has brought her child up knowing there is a bomb in his life that she has made, the father might be the one who sets it off, bit he wouldnt have had to if she hadn't done that to her son.

What is going to happen to this child when he finds out as an adult? Becuase if the father knows, his mum and step father know, his mums family likely know, his step dads family know, his fathers family now know and so does the OP. So he will find out. Will it be easier for him if he finds out at 16? 18? When hell be a teenager and will find out his life has been fake? That his mum has lied either just about his father abandoning him or likely even that someone else is his dad. You obviously cant just walk up to the child and tell him but he needs to know.
The father could talk to the mum again and try and get her to understand how important it is that his son knows and that he wants to be in his life. That he will tell him himself when hes 18 if she doesnt do it and he will show him the messages from her telling him he was a father, when she told him, and that he tried to get to see him and she said no (so if he doesnt get to be in his childs life now the child will know that he was wanted and it's his mum who has done this not his dad).

I agree.

I think the mother here is pretty disgusting. She’s going to absolutely break her child’s heart one day because she lied. And people are saying he should meekly agree to go away and do nothing - let her decide when she thinks it’s right (like she’s got any morals or sense!!). Ive read things about people finding out things like this on their parent’s deathbeds and being utterly trashed by the news. If the mother had half an ounce of sense she’d uncover this lie now before it gets any worse. It doesn’t have to change her “family” or who the child thinks of as daddy. But the child deserves the truth.

I love the idea of previous posters of starting a little savings account for him and more importantly writing letters in a book for him, so he can see he was thought of and that his dad cared

I think this is the worse idea ever. I would have thrown something like that in my fathers face as cash and a few pretty letters don’t make up for not being there. Not fighting to see me.

What if the boy never gets in touch? Do you spend the rest of your life writing letters to someone you will never meet or saving cash for someone you don’t know.

Time to consult a solicitor and get the ball rolling with a dna test.

If he wants a relationship with his son then sadly it will probably end up in court

There will probably need to be a court ordered dna test for starters

The important person in all of this is that child
Secrets like this generally find their way out

Wasn’t there a similar post a few days ago

He can’t just walk into this boys life he is a stranger. He has no idea what is going in in their lives at present. He needs to think what does he want is this just curiosity or does he really want to build a relationship and be responsible towards him.

All are in shock take things slowly and go through a solicitor.

No one knows what the boy has been told.

This can’t be rushed and there should be no threats (and we are only hearing one side of the story)

I'm surprised at everyone saying it's in the child's best interest to leave it. The truth is always the best - because when the child grows older, they will need to know that their father tried to be involved when they found out about their existence.
The mother has created this awful situation by not speaking the truth.

It does get messy if the child believes the current partner is the biological father. But in the age of DNA testing, this secret isn't going to stay secret very long.

Well OP I would be watching very carefully.

Because your DH does now know that he has this child. This is a significant test of how he sees being a parent.

Imagine he just opens a bank account and does nothing proactive. Then finds out in 9 years time that his child was being abused, right now. Could he live with that level of neglect?

The mothers withholding of his true identity is abusive. How weak to walk away on her say so that everything is fine.

@forinborin

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.

How does the "D" M repay the years of enjoying a child? You seem to only focus on the cost, sleepless nights and worry, did you get no joy from your children?

Most parents do get lots of enjoyment, love and happiness.

The mother here will be reaping the whirlwind soon. Does the stepfather even know he’s not the biological father. So many lies to untangle.

The child will find out the truth one day and it's better to be as young as possible when it happens.

As a child with a biological father and a dad.

My biological is nothing but a sperm donor. I’ve met him. I didn’t want over nights or visiting I saw him that was enough I know his name and have done since a child and as an adult with my own children and married I’ve no intention of ever contacting him again or letting him in my child’s life.

I didn’t go up in a perfectly blended family either but my bio father is just that biological my father his not my family and never will be. Ripping my world apart as a child forcing contact would of just made my world worse.

@Horst

As a child with a biological father and a dad.

My biological is nothing but a sperm donor. I’ve met him. I didn’t want over nights or visiting I saw him that was enough I know his name and have done since a child and as an adult with my own children and married I’ve no intention of ever contacting him again or letting him in my child’s life.

I didn’t go up in a perfectly blended family either but my bio father is just that biological my father his not my family and never will be. Ripping my world apart as a child forcing contact would of just made my world worse.

I'm sorry that your biological father was such a let down

But nobody here knows the true situation that this child is living in and he deserves to have the same choice that you have had.

Also who says the child doesn’t know. I always knew my dad wasn’t my dad didn’t mean I want bio around and I was around 9/10 when I met mine.

I would take a step back if I were him, for the child's sake.

Although, I would ask the mother to keep him updated on the child. Perhaps he could write letters to the child without sending them, hold onto photos, and even write birthday cards.

Then, if the child finds out in years to come, your DP will be able to show the child he was always thinking about him, rather than the child thinking he just didn't care, which isn't the case.

It's so sad though and I really feel for your poor DP, and you of course 💖

@forinborin

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.

Really?? Unless the mother tried to contact dp, then how is that fair???

She has no right to keep him from his real dad. That’s shocking. I don’t know what he can do but it’s very wrong to lie to the child and when he finds out when he’s older he’ll probably be really angry with his mum.

My fiance was born the third of four children. He was the only one who was not the child of his mother's husband. Due to his mother having a husband I wonder if his bio father thought he had a dad and not to get involved. Im sure his mother would have told the bloke her husband would be Dad and to disapear knowing what she is like. The truth is both his stepdad and mother were mindbogglingly abusive to the point my parents lament the fact that he does not feel strong enough to go to the police. As a child he had one grandparent he saw a handful of times in his life, and and aunt and uncle who he saw for a few hours once a year until the uncle died when he was a teenager. Teachers turned a blind eye to him being filthy and completely covered in bruises. My fiance desperately wanted to be removed by social services and to go into foster care but he felt that he did not have any adult he was close enough to that they would listen or help. The point of this story is his bio father probably thinks he did a wonderful thing not disrupting his sons life but my partner is so distraught that his bio father did not care and left him to be beaten every day that he wilk not even tell me what his name is.

We do not speak to his mother or siblings who still have a relationship with their father and ignore the fact he abused my partner in every way possible. We have reconected with the aunt, who did not speak to him because his mother told her my fiance disliked her and mot to contact him ( not true but he would have revealed the abuse). His mother had one cousin, neither her nor the aunt could have kids so he has 2 bio relatives. Next closest would be cousins of grandparents as his mums dad was an only child. It devestates me that he may have a large family on his fsthers side we do not know about, the mothers side is tiny. We are denied so much because some bloke probably thought he had a dad or wasnt interested in disrupting a family.

Words can not express how different my fiances like would have been if he had a fatger who fought for him and got him taken into care or got custody when he realised he was beaing beaten with a belt, rod, fists and abused in other ways ever day.

I hate the fact that his bio father may be somewhere feeling like he did a great job staying out of his life when he denied him the chance to meet any parenal family and left him to a situation that makes that child abuse book ' a child called it ' look like an idilic childhood.