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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DPs ex won't let him meet his child

170 replies

aktion · 24/07/2021 10:34

Name changed.

My DP was in a relationship for 2 years as a teenager. They split up when he was 17/18 as he had a one night stand with someone else and he admitted it to her straight away but she split up with him and blocked him, he knew he deserved it so he didn't try and contact her or her friends again.

About 2 months ago, his mum told him she saw his ex and that her son looks like him, he brushed it off at the time. A few weeks after that, he searched her name on Facebook and found her profile, it was public so he saw the child and he does look like DP. He brushed it off again but I could tell he was thinking about it a lot so he went on her profile and found out the child was about 8, and we worked it out that he was with his ex, 9 months before the child was born. He sent her a message but not a friend request so she didn't see it. This week, he decided to send her friend request and she accepted it and saw the message. She told him that he is the father but to leave them alone as he already has a dad and it'll just confuse him and it's his own fault that he can't be involved, but he didn't even know she was pregnant! DP doesn't know what to do now, he doesn't know whether to leave his son as he seems happy and he probably believes the other man is his father but he also wants to meet his son.

Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 24/07/2021 11:44

@Pebbledashery

But there is no guarantee of the son wanting to see your dp.. None at all. He could end up resenting him. You also can't force a relationship with him if he doesn't want one.
No, that's mot true, cafcass would listen to child but be very unhappy that mother and stepdad have kept this from child. So there would be a presumption of developing relationship with father . They would frown upon any attempts by mother to alienate (not even being told who your dad is , is as clear an alienation as you can go! Which would impact on child.)
Theunamedcat · 24/07/2021 11:45

Go to court about it if you must but bear in mind you will be blowing this childs world apart not your fault obviously but still

Is anyones name on the birth certificate

Tinpotspectator · 24/07/2021 11:47

@forinborin

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.
Agree.
SixesAndEights · 24/07/2021 11:48

I agree that the child's father, knowing now that he has a son, should pursue contact.

It's not his fault that the mother never told him, and a letter given to her will go straight in the bin!

It will be less of a mess now than the fall out when the boy finds out himself later.

Babynames2 · 24/07/2021 11:56

At the moment he is, through no fault of his own, effectively, a sperm donor. Before he appears in the life of the child as a "father", it would make sense to think about who took care of that child's needs for the previous 9 years... and money is the absolute minimum metric for that, can't measure sleepless nights or tears reliably.

But he wasn’t given the choice to provide for the child for the last 9 years. Or to be there for the sleepless nights or anything. She took it upon herself to decide not to allow her child the chance to develop a relationship with his biological father, or the father from developing one with the child. He could have been a brilliant dad for all we know, had he been given the chance. Why should he be punished for the choice she made?

And yes I know he cheated on her, obviously unacceptable. But that should have had no impact on the child’s right to know his father.

Barbie222 · 24/07/2021 11:57

Wait and see whether mum's story agrees with your DPs. In the meantime encourage your DP to put whatever he'd give the CMS away each month. It's difficult to believe your DP really had no knowledge of the pregnancy.

LemonPeonies · 24/07/2021 11:59

She should have told him and given him the chance to be a father. 9 years? That's disgusting! MN always stick up for mums having their kids taken away from ss for some reason but think it's fine for a guy who could be a good father, denied the chance Confused

Original poster
aktion · 24/07/2021 12:01

@Theunamedcat

Are you sure he didn't know she was pregnant
No, he didn't know she was pregnant as he asked her why she didn't tell him and she told him he didn't deserve to know and he would've been a rubbish dad anyway as he was immature.

DP would've payed her maintenance if he knew about his son when he was younger and he would now but she hasn't asked. Im not sure if the other man thinks he's the biological father.

OP posts:
Original poster
aktion · 24/07/2021 12:03

And, me and DP have a 10 month old together and he is a brilliant father to her so he would be to his son as well and he probably would've been when his son was a baby.

OP posts:
schoolmoveworrier · 24/07/2021 12:03

@Barbie222

Wait and see whether mum's story agrees with your DPs. In the meantime encourage your DP to put whatever he'd give the CMS away each month. It's difficult to believe your DP really had no knowledge of the pregnancy.
Why is it? Because women don't lie?
waterrat · 24/07/2021 12:07

Op this happened in my close family. Very similar situation but the child was older On pressing it with the dad he admitted he had actually known deep down that thee might have been a pregnancy but didn't face that uncomfortable fact.

I think you have to question here whether your partner did actually know or suspect and chose to let sleeping dogs lie.
I actually disagree that this should be left alone I do think a parent should have a right to let their own child know they exist.

The boy will have to know one day and mum needs to face up to that.

MzHz · 24/07/2021 12:08

Any action has to be for the exclusive benefit for the child, and right now this would blow his world apart

@aktion you have no idea what’s going on in the mother’s life, what kind of relationship she has, or even if she’s told the guy she’s with that he is the father

I honestly think at this point it’s best to respect the mother’s wishes.

Yes a child has a right to know his parents but also has a right to the best possible childhood.

For now, your h should do nothing

Maybe in time the mother will rethink her choices, maybe she’ll explain etc etc but we don’t know the situation there and it’s not reasonable nor fair on in the child to go in there heavy footed

Pebbledashery · 24/07/2021 12:13

Are you really telling me cafcass would listen to the child.. Did you not watch the dispatches expose documentary this week on the family court.
This child's world is going to be blown apart. Everything he's known for 9 years is about to be uncovered as a lie. It's not like he's 2 or 3 years old..
The best interest of this child needs to come first. Not the needs and wants of the biological father and the mother..
Personally, I would leave him alone and let him come to me in the future, I'd make a memory box with letters and cards so he would know i wanted to see him but left him alone as he was happy.

EeeppP · 24/07/2021 12:31

Child and father both have a right to build a relationship. How awful of the woman to do this. Better the child knows his father took action to rectify his mother's cruelty, not turned his back on his child.
Best of luck.

MrsWooster · 24/07/2021 12:34

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Of course he doesnt need to pay 9 years maintenance, he wasnt even aware of the childs existence. It's a tough one as he doesnt want to cause issues for the son and his family now or unsettle him. But the likelihood is that the son will find out eventually when he is older and he will feel a lot worse about it if and when he realises that his biological father knew and never made any effort. By doing nothing he is colluding in lying to this child. If I was him I'd try and keep in contact with the mother and say he will respect her wishes for now and he doesnt want to cause trouble but with the rise in DNA testing etc and social media its 3xtremely likely that the child will find out when he is older and the longer they lie to him the worse it will be for him when he does find out so is there any way they could think about introducing him gradually when they have got used to the idea, reassure them he doesn't want to take him away from them etc. I guess otherwise he could take them to court but that's likely to lead to a breakdown in relationships and parental alienation. In the mean time I think he should keep a record of all communication with the mum, and should be writing letters to his son, saving money for him etc so that one day even when it's when he is grown up he can show him that even though he didnt contact him he was thinking about him
I think this is a really sensible approach that does the best for all involved.
Reallyreallyborednow · 24/07/2021 12:38

What @DrinkFeckArseBrick said.

As to 9 years maintenance- we all have 20% of our salaries put aside - where on earth will the money come from? Assuming average salary 31k, that’s nearly 60k.

IamnotSethRogan · 24/07/2021 12:46

It's absolutely bonkers that anyone would think he has to back pay the child maintenance. The woman had 9 years to do the right thing. The father should not be held accountable for this woman's actions.

No one is saying children don't cost money but he was never given the opportunity to do the right thing and just because he wants to now doesn't mean he should be forced to pay for another person's actions.

I agree that secrets like this never end well and it's better for the boy to find out now then when he's an adult and feels like his whole life is a lie

TravellingWanabee · 24/07/2021 12:57

@Ivy48

Perhaps send a clear message of “if you think it’s best for him then ok, I would love to know him but if he’s settled with someone who he thinks is dad then ok. But I would like him to know about me when he’s of age and he’s always welcome to knock the door”. Perhaps he could set a savings account him for him for when he’s of age to show once he knew he didn’t forget? I don’t think I’d stir the pot of the child’s happy and settled.
I think this is the most sensible advice - he's not been part of this child's life (rightly or wrongly) and right now, we assume the child is happy in a family with a father figure he believes to be his father.

Although he may want to be part of his son's life, his son's needs need to come first right now, if only because the mother has chosen not to tell him about his real dad. Not that I agree with her approach, but that's the situation as it stands, and trying to barge your way into his life won't end well, and the child may end up resenting your DP for doing this, rather than resenting his mum for keeping it from him.

Ivy's advice is a sensible middle ground - let the mum know he would like to meet and have a relationship with him once she tells him about his parentage (and she will have to at some point, she can't keep this a secret forever for all the reasons people have already mentioned), put a savings account together for him so that he knows that your DP was at least thinking of him once he became aware of his existence and just hang tight.

Roodicus21 · 24/07/2021 13:02

It's a really tricky situation that the mother has created for whatever her reasons are. The best interests of the child should be paramount at this point. Destroying a child's sense of identity at aged 9 would be terrible. Had he been a toddler that would've been different and an easier adjustment. I'd write a letter or create a memory book that he can hopefully give to his dc when he's older to show he's thought about him and his reasons for not wanted to disrupt his current life.

MrsBobDylan · 24/07/2021 13:28

Because they were teenagers when this child was conceived, I expect they would both have been living with their parents? Even if either of them had moved away, people gossip and I'm amazed the parents didn't hear about the pregnancy, even if she refused to say who the father was.

Even more unusual is that Facebook is the modern day equivalent of the town gossip. I've never been on it but my bf has kept me up to date about who our teenage ex's married, how many kids etc.

I'm not saying your partner is a bad person but I think it is fairly likely that he had an idea she might have had a baby and that it could be him.

Regardless, the child has a right to know who their biological parents are.

Kingsway · 24/07/2021 13:39

If this is true, he has a son, his son has a dad. History can't be re-written to suit, as much as 'mum' might want that.

Of course father and son should have the chance to build a relationship.

aSofaNearYou · 24/07/2021 13:44

Absolute nonsense that he should have to pay backdated maintenance. That's completely ludicrous.

OP you don't mention how your partner or yourself are feeling about this. Does he want to be in the child's life? Given that he's currently in the dark and apparently happy I would say there is time to sit on this decision. Being involved has the potential to totally upend all of your lives. There will likely be constant conflict with the mum, court cases, and then if you do end up with contact, potentially a lot of difficulty there.

In an ideal world of course he should know his father but I think in reality finding out is very likely to be painful for him, given the spin his mum is likely to put on it, and especially if he's been lead to believe another man is his dad.

It's a bit of a Pandora's box situation. There would be no shame in admitting it's not something you want to bring upon themselves.

If you do decide you want to pursue it despite all this, I would go for a soft approach like writing a letter for when he's ready, rather than going in all Guns blazing and potentially giving him the shock of his life.

LemonFantaGin · 24/07/2021 14:27

That child has a right to know who his bio father is, to know he is wanting, and the truth.

But im not sure 9 is the right age, id print off the conversations with his mother, and make contact with him when he is old enough, and I'd let her know that was my intention.

It is not for her to keep your husband from his son, and its quite disgusting she took that upon herself to decide, some people are so hurtful, 9 years of a father son relationship gone, because she decided so.

Id make a bank account and put in all money he would have been entitled too through maintenance and make sure he received that when he was old enough.

Otherwise, if he wants to make it official and start the process, I would look into the legal approach as he won't be on the birth cert.

millymollymoomoo · 24/07/2021 14:29

Why the hell should it come with 9 years back maintenance?! What the hell
He didn’t know!

If your do wants to be involved, then he will need to take official steps to do so through the courts, which will involve dna testing too ( he should ask for this)ultimately this child has a right to know who is biological father is

He’ll need to be in it for the long haul as it will be a long process and it would be wrong to flit in and out

JadeSeahorse · 24/07/2021 14:44

@Ivy48

Perhaps send a clear message of “if you think it’s best for him then ok, I would love to know him but if he’s settled with someone who he thinks is dad then ok. But I would like him to know about me when he’s of age and he’s always welcome to knock the door”. Perhaps he could set a savings account him for him for when he’s of age to show once he knew he didn’t forget? I don’t think I’d stir the pot of the child’s happy and settled.
Speaking as one who was born into similar circumstances, this is by far the best suggestion I have seen.

Covers all bases IMO and pretty much considers the feelings of all concerned.