DPs ex won't let him meet his child

[aktion]

Name changed.

My DP was in a relationship for 2 years as a teenager. They split up when he was 17/18 as he had a one night stand with someone else and he admitted it to her straight away but she split up with him and blocked him, he knew he deserved it so he didn't try and contact her or her friends again.

About 2 months ago, his mum told him she saw his ex and that her son looks like him, he brushed it off at the time. A few weeks after that, he searched her name on Facebook and found her profile, it was public so he saw the child and he does look like DP. He brushed it off again but I could tell he was thinking about it a lot so he went on her profile and found out the child was about 8, and we worked it out that he was with his ex, 9 months before the child was born. He sent her a message but not a friend request so she didn't see it. This week, he decided to send her friend request and she accepted it and saw the message. She told him that he is the father but to leave them alone as he already has a dad and it'll just confuse him and it's his own fault that he can't be involved, but he didn't even know she was pregnant! DP doesn't know what to do now, he doesn't know whether to leave his son as he seems happy and he probably believes the other man is his father but he also wants to meet his son.

Any advice will be appreciated

I think your DP needs to put his son first. The mother’s assessment is that the son is settled with a dad.

If your DP thinks this is not the case, maybe he could ask to meet up with Son’s parents and discuss this. It will be an awkward meeting, but dealt with by adults.

Your DP could write a letter to his son, to be given at 18. Maybe he could put the sum that would be awarded (from now on) aside, to be given to son in the future. Also to tell Ex that if the relationship with son ever breaks down, that they should let you know so you can help.

@forinborin

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.

He didn't know he was a father, he's been denied 9 years of parenting, but your first thought is child maintenance back pay?

How is she going to repay him the nine years she's denied him of visits, love, time and knowing his child.

Having said that, it's really tough, the damage has been done, the child will be so confused.

I doubt he will want to meet your DH, he doesn't know him and has most likely not even been told about him. I'm sure he won't be on the birth certificate.

Awful situation.

Yes your DP needs to put the child’s needs for a settled family life before his own.

That’s the best parenting he can do. Agree to let his ex know that he is there whenever/if she decides to tell the boy.

This is not about what your DP wants, he’s not the child here.

I think like PP setting up a savings account and banking a letter saying he doesn''t blame the mum and didn't know about him until much later and respected her reasons for not disrupting him - with a Christmas card stored for every year from now on so the child knows he was thought of and what the DP was up to. Rewrite a will?

In my limited experience people start hunting birth parents when they have children of their own, however happy they are with adoptive parents or in this case a mother with a husband who is not the physical father.

Yes, of course he should cough up 9 years of maintenance for a child he doesn’t know is actually his.

She has forgone giving either the Father or the child a relationship. Therefore she has willingly forgone nine years of child support as a result. He is a man not a cash cow. If he has a father and she is denying him the opportunity to be a parent why the fuck should he pay for the nine years of lying? Also who the fuck has that kind of disposable income lying around?!

In terms of the CHILD’S best interests, I think it’s better for the boy to find out his Dad is not who he thinks he is at 9, rather than as as a teen or young adult. What a mindfuck that will be, to find out your Mum has deceived you for years about such a fundamental thing!

It will also be easier for him to accept the OP’s DP into his life and build a relationship with him while he is still a child, speaking as a parent of a 10 year old, teens and a young adult.

This deceit had been uncovered now and the OP’s DP can’t unknow it, similarly the child’s mother can’t unknow that he knows so it needs to be dealt with quickly and sensitively. It’s something the child’s mother should have considered and is entirely her fault. If the OP’s DP had been informed of the child and said he didn’t want anything to do with the child, that would be a completely different situation but the mother still shouldn’t have let the child believe her new partner was his biological father as that was untrue.

If the OPs DP genuinely intends to have a long and lasting relationship with his son, accepting his as his own, I would suggest writing to his mother (signed delivery with a copy taken) stating his intentions with a timescale to respond. If she doesn’t he should get legal advice and take it from there. The child will need a lot of time to build trust and support (perhaps professional counselling) to come to terms with it, so he needs to factor that in.

Good luck.

I didn't meet my own Dad until I was 17. I tried to build a relationship with him, but it was too late for it to be a father/daughter one and we ended up parting ways. There just weren't any shared experiences and we were adult strangers.

This wee boy deserves to meet his Father now, before it becomes even more difficult.

Did he never see his ex around in the months after they split? Never heard a rumour she was pregnant? How old is your partner now?
He needs to pay at for the child even if he has not been asked to and regardless of whether he sees him. If I was him I’d want to discuss this in depth with the child’s mum and go from there.

@forinborin

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.

@aprilanne

As hard as it is I would just leave the little boy alone .he must come first but partner be ready if the child comes looking when he is older

Yes.

Going against the grain these things have a way of coming out and it never ends well.

This is the child’s father.

As someone who is in a similar position as the Ds I am left with a lifelong question of did my dad want to see me and was stopped by my mother. This is the sort of thing my mother would have done because it would have disturbed her life and with no thought for the effect it would have on me. I could imagine her saying that i was settled and it would have disturbed me.
Or did my father want nothing to do with me.

I will never know

The situation is for your dp to decide.

Dear OP
Different perspective here. If DP is prepared for a potential court fight and to deal with the emotional effects for all involved, then maybe he should pursue it now.

Because this boy will find out at some stage. Either a DNA test, his mother finally tells him eventually, your DP tells him when he's older, another family member lets it slip one day (and it won't be a secret, people will know - maybe her parents, her siblings, her aunts and uncles, cousin, family secrets a really that secret). Or even his current 'father' might one day blurt it out because he is facing a stroppy teenager that isn't actually his. And I know someone that happened to - it was traumatic.

If your DP can get legal access whilst the child is young and can build a relationship slowly over time, in the long run that may be much better than the shock of finding out as an adult, though obviously not easy.

Three situations from my wider family to illustrate.

2 are the child in this situation. One found out at 17 he was not his father's biological son after a family friend said something when drunk at a family gathering. Both (non-bio) father & son were devastated and it caused a rift that took a long time to heal as son found it hard to forgive the years of lying.

Another was adopted but before that had been brought up to think Man A was her father. Was told at 6 by her adoptive parents that actually Man B was her bio Dad but he had left before she was born Took it well, no contact with bio-Dad asa child and when she went to find him as an adult, found out he'd died. So no chance to ever get to know him.

My brother in law was your DP, although he always knew he had a son but the mother persuaded him not to be involved as she had a new boyfriend by the time child was born. Child was told at 18 but chose not to have any contact BiL as they assumed hadn't been wanted and felt rejected. They finally met when child was in 20's, BiL apologised for not having fought harder for access as a child and both now deeply regret it, especially as child had a difficult, neglectful childhood with mum and the boyfriend.

OP, There are no easy answers here. If DP does decide not to go ahead now, then the suggestions of keeping cards, writing letters and putting some money aside for when child is older are good. It's going to be important to be able to show he cared so son doesn't feel DP rejected him once he found out.

It is unpleasant to say pay up pay up pay up.
9 years worth’s blah blah.
He did not know !!!
Not everyone/everything can be paid for.

People talk...gossip, don't believe he didn't know about the pregnancy.

@Bythemillpond, Or did my father want nothing to do with me
Sorry you have this situation. Don't assume your father was rejecting you. For what it's worth, my BiL that I mention above truly though he was putting the child first by not insisting on access or a relationship and stepping back to let another man raise the child. He accepts now he was wrong.

He told his wife about the child when they met so the child was not a secret his end, always on his mind and when they did finally meet child was welcomed into the wider family and as a sibling to the other children.

Agree that he should start a savings account for the boy with what would have been maintenance payments.

Do you know if the boy knows about your h? It's possible that he thinks that another man is his Dad and it's his mum who needs to explain this and not your h.

It's possible that current partner thinks he's the dad too. Blowing things up by forcing contact through legal rites risks mum disappearing imo.

I would sadly tell mum that you doesn't want to cause upset in his life but if he asks about him or she needs him because of an emergency then to get into contact.

Very sad situation all round.

Gerwurtztraminer

Bythemillpond, Or did my father want nothing to do with me
Sorry you have this situation. Don't assume your father was rejecting you. For what it's worth, my BiL that I mention above truly though he was putting the child first by not insisting on access or a relationship and stepping back to let another man raise the child. He accepts now he was wrong

The thing is it is always there. It never goes away.
Fwiw I looked up my father online
Obviously couldn’t do this years ago.

What took me by surprise was the hurt I felt because my birthday is so close to my fathers birthday (the next day)

Whilst he might not have been rejecting me, he wasn’t fighting to see me either.

I think the mother has been dreadfully selfish and unfair to both the child and the father. It’s nobody’s fault but her own if this child (now or later) has to go through upset because of this.

Personally I think it’s much better for the child to find out while they’re young and have time to deal with it before having any big things going on (exams/school changes etc). It doesn’t mean that the man he thinks is his daddy gets put aside. He will always be a big part of his life, but the child ought to at least know - and know that they have a half sibling. It doesn’t mean that they have to see their real dad if they don’t want to, but they should have the opportunity. Even if they don’t need the money, maintenance from now on could be put into a fund for university or a house deposit.

What an almighty mess the mother has created. Her poor child.

TotorosCatBus

Agree that he should start a savings account for the boy with what would have been maintenance payments

Tbh if my father had done that I think I would have thrown the money in his face.
This is beyond money it is about knowing who you are and if you haven’t been brought up with the question mark over your DNA hanging above your head then I don’t think you can imagine what it feels like.

I have vague recollections from when I was about 2 years old. I can’t imagine his face and I have never had a photograph.
I have lived all my life with that hole that isn’t going to be filled with cash

but he didn't even know she was pregnant!

If he had known would he have been faithful?

CaptSkippy

but he didn't even know she was pregnant

If he had known would he have been faithful

Who knows. The issue is did she know or why when she found out why didn’t she tell the father.
Unless she never wanted the father involved in the first place.

@Bythemillpond

TotorosCatBus

Agree that he should start a savings account for the boy with what would have been maintenance payments

Tbh if my father had done that I think I would have thrown the money in his face.
This is beyond money it is about knowing who you are and if you haven’t been brought up with the question mark over your DNA hanging above your head then I don’t think you can imagine what it feels like.

I have vague recollections from when I was about 2 years old. I can’t imagine his face and I have never had a photograph.
I have lived all my life with that hole that isn’t going to be filled with cash

I'm sorry about your circumstances. Of course cash isn't going to replace his absence but future circumstances might mean that the cash can improve the boy's life. For example he might need private medical care or expensive training or some sort.

I understand why the dad wants to meet his son and think that children should know if the people that they call mum or dad aren't their real mum or dad even though they act as one. I'd say it was less traumatic to know the truth when young than when older. The boy has a right to know but I think it's not up to dad to dictate when mum discloses this. OP doesn't mention if the boy knows mum should have done this years ago imo. It will still be massively shocking if the son finds out as an adult but this is a decision that mum has made.

I think he should pursue the relationship irrespective of what the mother says.
She should have told the truth and then given your DH the chance to be a father - she deprived him of his child growing up. She does not get to decide unless your DH would have been unsafe. Immaturity does not mean unsafe.

He will regret it if he does not do this now.

“Don't get me wrong, I think the mum is definitely the bad guy here. There's no excuse for what she has done.”

Is she?
We have no idea what this guy was like 8 years ago.. how many women on here have been advised not to put a dad on a birth certificate and run.

This is a very effective way to run, and who knows if it was necessary? So many unknowns, and many I expect unknown by the OP