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Original poster

DPs ex won't let him meet his child

170 replies

aktion · 24/07/2021 10:34

Name changed.

My DP was in a relationship for 2 years as a teenager. They split up when he was 17/18 as he had a one night stand with someone else and he admitted it to her straight away but she split up with him and blocked him, he knew he deserved it so he didn't try and contact her or her friends again.

About 2 months ago, his mum told him she saw his ex and that her son looks like him, he brushed it off at the time. A few weeks after that, he searched her name on Facebook and found her profile, it was public so he saw the child and he does look like DP. He brushed it off again but I could tell he was thinking about it a lot so he went on her profile and found out the child was about 8, and we worked it out that he was with his ex, 9 months before the child was born. He sent her a message but not a friend request so she didn't see it. This week, he decided to send her friend request and she accepted it and saw the message. She told him that he is the father but to leave them alone as he already has a dad and it'll just confuse him and it's his own fault that he can't be involved, but he didn't even know she was pregnant! DP doesn't know what to do now, he doesn't know whether to leave his son as he seems happy and he probably believes the other man is his father but he also wants to meet his son.

Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/07/2021 17:07

For goodness sake, this guy was a teenager, possibly not even an adult, he cheated on his teenage girlfriend, told her relationship ended. It doesn’t define him for life.

If anything the women has done wrong, she had his child, never told him and hasn’t told the child either, it’s hardly comparable. She’s denied the parent child relationship for years.

Some of these answers are batshit.

LemonFantaGin · 24/07/2021 20:35

Having read the replies of those in similar situations, I think you DP should get legal advise with his options, and speak to the mother, the son deserves to know who his father is and it is beyond his mother to decide he just doesn't get to be a father to his son, she doesn't get to make that choice.

CaptSkippy · 24/07/2021 21:05

@Bythemillpond

CaptSkippy

but he didn't even know she was pregnant

If he had known would he have been faithful

Who knows. The issue is did she know or why when she found out why didn’t she tell the father.
Unless she never wanted the father involved in the first place.

That would be my guess. She wanted the cheating bastard out of her life and has raised the son alone. I can't imagine the son being very impressed when he hears the reason his father is not in his life is because of how his bio-father treated his mother.
aSofaNearYou · 24/07/2021 21:07

That would be my guess. She wanted the cheating bastard out of her life and has raised the son alone. I can't imagine the son being very impressed when he hears the reason his father is not in his life is because of how his bio-father treated his mother.

I would imagine he would be more upset that his mum kept his dad from him and then kept him in the dark about it.

CaptSkippy · 24/07/2021 21:08

@Bluntness100

For goodness sake, this guy was a teenager, possibly not even an adult, he cheated on his teenage girlfriend, told her relationship ended. It doesn’t define him for life.

If anything the women has done wrong, she had his child, never told him and hasn’t told the child either, it’s hardly comparable. She’s denied the parent child relationship for years.

Some of these answers are batshit.

She was also a teenagers and most teenagers, I should hope, know better than to cheat on their girlfriends/boyfriends. They have enough empathy to know that it hurts were it to happen to them and know, therefore, not to treat others like that.
CaptSkippy · 24/07/2021 21:08

@aSofaNearYou

That would be my guess. She wanted the cheating bastard out of her life and has raised the son alone. I can't imagine the son being very impressed when he hears the reason his father is not in his life is because of how his bio-father treated his mother.

I would imagine he would be more upset that his mum kept his dad from him and then kept him in the dark about it.

What makes you think she hasn't already told him?
aSofaNearYou · 24/07/2021 21:10

What makes you think she hasn't already told him?

The fact that she said he has a new dad and it'll just confuse him. It's possible he does know but that statement suggests he may not, to me.

CaptSkippy · 24/07/2021 21:13

@aSofaNearYou

What makes you think she hasn't already told him?

The fact that she said he has a new dad and it'll just confuse him. It's possible he does know but that statement suggests he may not, to me.

Either way, OP is not directly involved. I would not want to involve myself in such a messy situation as a third party.
Bluntness100 · 24/07/2021 21:17

She was also a teenagers and most teenagers, I should hope, know better than to cheat on their girlfriends/boyfriends. They have enough empathy to know that it hurts were it to happen to them and know, therefore, not to treat others like that

Oh give over with the sanctimonious stuff. Teens are immature, relationships not usually serious, and yes cheating is common.

Dimsummummy · 24/07/2021 21:18

He has to pursue it, there is no question in my mind 🤷‍♀️. Not knowing your true parentage (and the finding it out) is more damaging than finding out your true parentage as a child who thinks they already know it

CaptSkippy · 24/07/2021 21:19

@Bluntness100

She was also a teenagers and most teenagers, I should hope, know better than to cheat on their girlfriends/boyfriends. They have enough empathy to know that it hurts were it to happen to them and know, therefore, not to treat others like that

Oh give over with the sanctimonious stuff. Teens are immature, relationships not usually serious, and yes cheating is common.

Clearly the girlfriend was not okay with it. Why are you applying different standards?
Bluntness100 · 24/07/2021 21:23

Clearly the girlfriend was not okay with it. Why are you applying different standards?

Of course she wasn’t ok with it, 😂

Do you have teens! Were you once a teen? Did you have teenage friends? Are you maybe deeply conservative or religious?

Teenage relationships are full of angst, seldom life long, and yes they often cheat and go and snog someone else, doesn’t mean the other likes it, what a mad comment,

tothelakes · 24/07/2021 21:25

I really think he needs to at least try to be involved. I don't believe for a minute that it would be better for this child to find out in 5 or 10 years.

Is there definitely no other reason she kept it from him? Domestic abuse or anything like that?

I would encourage him to write a letter/email explaining that he wants to know his child/give the child a chance to know him. If they don't want a relationship now, at least they'd know how to find him in the future.

He'll do this sensitively, work with the parents and at the child's pace etc but if they flatly refuse then he'll have to seek legal advice.

Having worked with endless children and adults who have been abandoned/felt unwanted, to know that his dad wanted to meet him/be in his life might be really important later.

cadburyegg · 24/07/2021 21:30

I think it’s pretty widely documented that it’s far better for children to know their true parentage from childhood rather than suddenly be told as an adult? I agree the dad should pursue it. As for the relationship he had with the kids mum as a teen, sounds like both of them made mistakes. Don’t continue making more

Bythemillpond · 24/07/2021 21:31

I can't imagine the son being very impressed when he hears the reason his father is not in his life is because of how his bio-father treated his mother

Tbh I would have been more angry at my mother giving that as a reason I was brought up with no knowledge of my biological father

In the grand scheme of things it is a pathetic reason. So is how settled he is with his new dad

Thesheerrelief · 24/07/2021 21:32

The child deserves to know who his father is. Chances are the truth will come out in the future and thinking his dad wanted nothing to do with him could cause real emotional damage. As could finding out about a big cover up.

CaptSkippy · 24/07/2021 21:44

@Bluntness100

Clearly the girlfriend was not okay with it. Why are you applying different standards?

Of course she wasn’t ok with it, 😂

Do you have teens! Were you once a teen? Did you have teenage friends? Are you maybe deeply conservative or religious?

Teenage relationships are full of angst, seldom life long, and yes they often cheat and go and snog someone else, doesn’t mean the other likes it, what a mad comment,

Nope, I decided to skip my teenage years just for the heck of it.
pheonixrebirth · 24/07/2021 23:39

@WillowGrand

Oh wow that’s hard, and she should be ashamed.

I wouldn’t think the secret will last forever but I would probably not try to force contact if the boy is happy and settled with a “dad”.

I’d maybe set up a bank account for him, save each month, write him some letters and wait until the truth is known to be there when he comes looking.

And no he doesn’t “owe” anything for the last 9 years of being lied to!!

I think this is the most sensitive way to deal with this. You don't want to disrupt a child's life but at the same time if this secret is found out by the child in years to come then at least he can be assured that your partner thought about him and simply tried to be respectful of his life. Unfortunately I don't think he is going to appreciate his own mother's lies.
Gingerkittykat · 25/07/2021 01:38

@aktion

And, me and DP have a 10 month old together and he is a brilliant father to her so he would be to his son as well and he probably would've been when his son was a baby.
Are you sure he would have been a good father at 17? It sounds like he was immature with the one night stand and it was hardly a stable relationship.

It doesn't mean he can't be a good father now and I think the child deserves to know who his dad is.

Volhhg · 25/07/2021 01:46

If this is exactly as the op has presented it then that is absolutely terrible of the mother. He must persue this as it is out of the bag now, all parties cannot carry on and pretend. Otherwise that makes him complicit and he has a duty as his biological father.

Volhhg · 25/07/2021 01:50

It is very hard for the child but at age 9 there is still time for his biological father to participate in his childhood in a meaningful way

Megasausagehead · 25/07/2021 02:00

Well, if I was your DP this wouldn't be good enough.

Who knows, with a woman who thinks this is ok as a mum, whether his current father is a good parent.

He could be abusive. She could be abusive. How long have they been together? How is he getting on at school?

If he were my son, I wouldn't let this be on the say so of that woman. I would expect a lot more information to judge that the right thing for the child.

Marty13 · 25/07/2021 02:10

Really surprised by some of the replies on here. Of course the boy should know. If OP's partner doesn't do everything in his power to build a relationship with him, even with the best intentions in the world, he's robbing his son the chance to have this relationship.
And whatever relationship they have will be completely different if they meet at 9 or 18.
Not to mention the sense of being lied to. It'll be bad enough now. In 10 years it'll be worse.

If I was your partner I'd tell the ex that he wants to have a chance to build a relationship with his son, and for the boy's sake it'd be better if they can work together to introduce the idea as gently as possible. If she says no he'll have to go through the courts.

If I was this boy and I was told my bio father knew but couldn't be bothered with me "because they didn't want to disrupt my life" I would never forgive them. (wouldn't forgive my mother and fake father either as they all would have colluded in this lie).

Can you imagine being the only one who doesn't know about something so intimate, so intrinsic to your identity !

Bythemillpond · 25/07/2021 02:16

I’d maybe set up a bank account for him, save each month, write him some letters and wait until the truth is known to be there when he comes looking

Why would this child come looking if his biological dad didn’t bother with him when he was growing up.

Not everyone wants to meet their biological parents if they had 18 years to make themselves known and they were absent

PurpleOkapi · 25/07/2021 03:04

The child has the right to not be lied to about his biological parentage. It's unfortunate that his mother created that situation, but the sooner he finds out the truth, the less traumatic it will be. DP should seek legal advice so he knows what he can and can't do before pushing it any further with the mother, but once that's done, he should make it clear to her that he's not going to let this drop.