DPs ex won't let him meet his child

[aktion]

Name changed.

My DP was in a relationship for 2 years as a teenager. They split up when he was 17/18 as he had a one night stand with someone else and he admitted it to her straight away but she split up with him and blocked him, he knew he deserved it so he didn't try and contact her or her friends again.

About 2 months ago, his mum told him she saw his ex and that her son looks like him, he brushed it off at the time. A few weeks after that, he searched her name on Facebook and found her profile, it was public so he saw the child and he does look like DP. He brushed it off again but I could tell he was thinking about it a lot so he went on her profile and found out the child was about 8, and we worked it out that he was with his ex, 9 months before the child was born. He sent her a message but not a friend request so she didn't see it. This week, he decided to send her friend request and she accepted it and saw the message. She told him that he is the father but to leave them alone as he already has a dad and it'll just confuse him and it's his own fault that he can't be involved, but he didn't even know she was pregnant! DP doesn't know what to do now, he doesn't know whether to leave his son as he seems happy and he probably believes the other man is his father but he also wants to meet his son.

Any advice will be appreciated

In your DPs position I would take steps to be involved in the child's life.
If as an adult that child turned up on my doorstep asking why I didn't want to be involved when I knew about them then I wouldn't forgive myself. It's so so tough though and I don't know if my approach would be the 'right' one.
How dare she keep this a secret

Be interesting to know whether the 'dad' knows he is not the biological father

@forinborin I don't think anyone is arguing about children costing and if OP's partner was in the childs life then he should have paid maintenance. It's more the fact of not agreeing that the father should pay backdated 9 years when he didn't know the child existed.

Also, I would set up a savings account now depositing monthly payments. To cover child support from when he found out. You don't know what will unfold in the future

@ineedaholidaynow

Secrets like this very rarely end well.

This.

The boy will be a teenager in a few years and many teenagers question their identity. The boy will also be noticing that he doesn't have certain prominent characteristics and/or mannerisms of either of his parents or their extended families. Other people will have noticed this already.

Your DP needs to write to the mother and politely ask for a paternity test. If he gets no reply or one telling him to get lost then he's going to have to get a family solicitor involved.

The child can easily find out if he has an ancestry dna test when he is older. No point even trying to keep it secret.
He should be allowed a relationship with his biological dad.

Unfortunately, I feel he must respect her wishes.

Why doesn't he get a box and write a letter to the boy - everything he would want him to say/know and then put it in the box. Every time he thinks of contacting him/his birthday/Christmas etc he can 'update him' and write a new letter and store them safely. He could start a bank account for him also - £50 here and there?

That way, when or if, the child comes looking for him or he reaches out when he's older he can give them to him to let him know that he was thinking of him. I feel for your husband/his child in this situation but I think it's best he supports the Mother's wishes.

Yes and I have agreed with that, what I don't agree with is 9 years of "back pay" for a child he didn't know about. A big fat financial reward for his mum being a liar.
Don't get me wrong, I think the mum is definitely the bad guy here. There's no excuse for what she has done. The question was, however, about what a biological father is to do.

I just tried to imagine myself in this situation. Well, difficult because women are unlikely to have doubts about whether the children are biologically theirs or not - but I tried my best. If I wanted to suddenly declare myself a "mother" to a 9 year old child happily living in another family - and being a mother does not suddenly start from a specific point in time, the message here is that I have been your mother all this time, and this woman you called mum all your life is actually someone unrelated - then yes, I'd consider a financial contribution for all the years I am now claiming to have been their mother to be the very least I could do.

As hard as it is to hear this, at that age I would leave him alone. He's known another father his entire like I presume and I would not disrupt that. You have no guarantee he will a) want to see your partner or b) will not take this news badly. 8/9 years old is a significant age to have a life event completely derail you. I would leave him alone.

Do you live locally to this woman, I assume your MIL does?

@forinborin Are you missing the fact that the father in this scenario didn't know of the child's existence? He's not 'suddenly declaring' himself their Dad, or wanting a 'big reveal' after 9 years of not being interested. He didn't know until now!

Agree with PP's that the only way this will go is coming back to bite the Mother in the arse when the kid grows up and finds out he's been lied to. Punishing your child for someone else's one night stand is a strange way to go about life.

He needs to continue to talk to the mum, accept that it’s a complex situation but one day he will need to know the truth. That he wishes to develop a relationship when she thinks the time is right and also to financially support, that he doesn’t wish to go through the courts , doesn’t want to cause pain, but feels strongly the child should know his biological father. That he wants to keep talking to her as they both adjust and find a way through this in the child’s best interests, ask her or her and her partner to meet up.

@forinborin

Yes and I have agreed with that, what I don't agree with is 9 years of "back pay" for a child he didn't know about. A big fat financial reward for his mum being a liar. Don't get me wrong, I think the mum is definitely the bad guy here. There's no excuse for what she has done. The question was, however, about what a biological father is to do.

I just tried to imagine myself in this situation. Well, difficult because women are unlikely to have doubts about whether the children are biologically theirs or not - but I tried my best. If I wanted to suddenly declare myself a "mother" to a 9 year old child happily living in another family - and being a mother does not suddenly start from a specific point in time, the message here is that I have been your mother all this time, and this woman you called mum all your life is actually someone unrelated - then yes, I'd consider a financial contribution for all the years I am now claiming to have been their mother to be the very least I could do.

Bollocks. Absolute bollocks. And if you are telling the truth, then you need to reassess your relationships in all seriousness.

@forinborin

To be honest, I think meeting the child in this case should come together with 9 years worth of child maintenance.

That’s ludicrous, you sound money obsessed. Like it’s all you can think about.

I disagree that DP should leave this and collude to lie to his child and accept his ex’s wishes. The child may be settled but why should DP miss out on his own son because his ex wanted to live a lie.
I would go through the court to see my child and it would be done sensitively

I would pursue it legally if she won’t allow him to see his child. The child has a right to know his biological father abd the younger the better.

If DP wants to meet his child and build up a relationship, then it's the child's right to have a relationship with his biological father. He would need to apply to court, stating he has only just been told he is the father . A DNA test can be ordered by court if she disputes it or if he wants to check, which would be sensible given she has seems happy not to honest when it suits her, by not telling him and the ONS around same time.

She may then decide she also wants child maintenance for the boy going forward, if he is going to have contact- although they are unrelated and not dependent on each other. That's her right too , which she probably hasn't done so far as she didn't tell him. It won't be backdated . Only to the date she puts a claim into CMS for with proof he is father (if he disputes it)

It doesn't matter what the mum thinks at this stage, why there she's made a little family with her new DP, the child has a right to know his father and courts would work to build that up if he is the father. They'd be very sympathetic to his position of her failure to tell him.

He can Google how to apply to court for child contact and complete the form- don't need a solicitor (although it can help at the start) her only ne paying for the first court application fees (few hundred). She can't even insist on supervised contact although some introductory sessions would start. Son is old enough to understand and cafcass would work out how best to do this/ a schedule if mother is unkeen and blocking attempts.

But there is no guarantee of the son wanting to see your dp.. None at all. He could end up resenting him. You also can't force a relationship with him if he doesn't want one.

It sounds like it could be a messy situation, the child may think the other man is his biological father and this man may believe he is the father also (she may have lied to them both)? I understand that your dp wants to be involved but this could mean a lot of upset for the child and the possible break up of the child’s parents.

It might be worth dp getting some legal advice? I’m not sure what I would do in this situation, I think he needs more details about what the child knows and what the child’s ‘non biological’ father knows.

@Pebbledashery

But there is no guarantee of the son wanting to see your dp.. None at all. He could end up resenting him. You also can't force a relationship with him if he doesn't want one.

That doesn't mean he can't try, he should be prepared that this may happen, but it also may not. If he doesn't want to see him, I would do what pps have said and write letters, save up for him etc.

How will it benefit the child to NOT know he has a biological father who wants to know him? It's awful to not know your dad. If he finds out later his mum blocked the dad from meeting him there's going to be a massive fallout.

Write a letter addressed to the child, for the mum to pass on when she is ready. Let her read it first.

Something which tells the child a bit about his dad, and says 'Circumstances meant that I didn't know you while you were young, but I would love to get to know you when you are ready.'

It’s the child’s right to know who his father is. She should not be keeping that from him. I think he needs to talk to her and explain he wants to be a part of his child’s life, that the boy deserves that and that if she isn’t willing to consider a slow introduction at the child’s pace then he will have to pursue it legally. Also offer child maintenance payments going forward obviously. If the child doesn’t want to know him that’s his choice, but absolutely not the mothers decision to make.

Bollocks. Absolute bollocks. And if you are telling the truth, then you need to reassess your relationships in all seriousness.
Eh... why? I don't have any relationships, so thankfully nothing to reassess. From my perspective, posters who suggest to involve court and solicitors to get access to this child are quite bonkers. At the moment he is, through no fault of his own, effectively, a sperm donor. Before he appears in the life of the child as a "father", it would make sense to think about who took care of that child's needs for the previous 9 years... and money is the absolute minimum metric for that, can't measure sleepless nights or tears reliably.

@forinborin

Bollocks. Absolute bollocks. And if you are telling the truth, then you need to reassess your relationships in all seriousness. Eh... why? I don't have any relationships, so thankfully nothing to reassess. From my perspective, posters who suggest to involve court and solicitors to get access to this child are quite bonkers. At the moment he is, through no fault of his own, effectively, a sperm donor. Before he appears in the life of the child as a "father", it would make sense to think about who took care of that child's needs for the previous 9 years... and money is the absolute minimum metric for that, can't measure sleepless nights or tears reliably.

Well that is very telling. Very telling indeed.