So frustrated about DD I could cry

[conecrosoooo]

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

What is she doing in the daytime if she currently only works in the evening/night? I re read first post as was going to say what about college/uni that has residential accommodation, but then noticed she doesn't want to do that.
Surely she (and you) must realise that life is not just a black and white decision between living in your home and terrorising you and her little brother and having a flat of her own in an expensive area funded by you/benefits?

Her dad needs to step up here and help out, why on earth are you soley shouldering this burden when he seems to be live near by! Why!!
Why doesn't he come round and help you with the awful bf as well!!

There seems to be bugger all to rent and bugger all jobs. Well according to the news, there are more job vacancies now than pre covid, so she should be able to find a single, full-time job in hospitality or retail. Also, saying that she wants to move out as much as you want her out is just not the case. If it were she would be actively looking for places, not putting up endless barriers and making unrealistic demands about the kind of accommodation she'll accept.

Also, at her age I had a full time day job and an evening bar work job, because I was determined to move out of my mother's house and fend for myself.

Have you thought of her going to university to take a foundation degree? It would get her away from home and away from her boyfriend. It would give her the start of a career. Could you research some courses and ask her if she'd like to do that?

It probably wouldn't be fair to inflict the boyfriend on a house-share if he is volatile.
Preferably she could start at degree though if she is in the mindset of a rude so and so with an arsehole boyfriend she probably won't be interested in college.

@HollowTalk that's what I was going to recommend but op advises Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18.

Just finished the thread, get her OP.
She has no respect for you.

but she refuses to consider any at all now!

Because she is absolutely confident that regardless of how she treats you, she only has to move out when better accommodate is offered.

Is she correct?

I think I would ban the boyfriend from the premises and put up with DD screaming til she either starts to behave herself or moves out. Yes, even if you need to involve the police to remove him.

Lot easier than letting her dictate what kind of house it she is prepared to move to.

Who knows, if she really can't have boyfriend round, she may decide to move out snd put some effort in herself. At the moment, she knows you want her to move out so is trying to negotiate as good a deal from you as she can.

Sorry you and your other DC are facing this.

Everyone including me started out sharing a bathroom! It is just with all these ensuite hotel like university accommodations young people think this is normal. I've yet to have an ensuite and I'm 55!

She has to live where she can afford and you cannot afford to top her up. It is a steep learning curve but you soon learn.

What about My spare room? Or being a lodger somewhere. Could she stay with her DF for a bit?

I know it is heartbreaking.

Do you have any contact with the boyfriend's family? Are they as awful as he is? Do you worry he is getting her involved in his drug dealing?

It sounds such a stressful situation.

Housing wise she could present as homeless, but she would have to accept whatever emergency accommodation she is offered.

I keep hearing that hospitality are crying out for staff, so would she consider finding one job eg in a cafe where she works day time shifts rather than those evening shifts in two different places?

Would you consider putting your foot down and calling the police every single time you get home and boyfriend is there and refusing to leave?

She does not want a houseshare

How very wonderful.for her.

Most of the rest 9f us house shared as young people if we couldn't afford a place on our own. Its part for the course.

Why is she such a special snowflake?

Why is she better than the millions of people who've had to.do it, including lots of young professionals who spent years getting degrees in places like London.

So that particular bedsit has a shared bathroom with a middle aged bloke.

Fine; there must be others with people around her own age.

Or why can't she get somewhere with her boyfriend? What dies he do for money

Do you still get hospitality jobs that offer accommodation to staff holiday parks, spa type hotels?

Would she consider taking a live in job? Perhaps in a holiday area away from home. That way she would get more pay be able to save, gain more experience which would be useful whatever she does, maybe get her driving licence, meet different people and improve her social skills and maybe get a different view of her boyfriend. When I was a teenager my family life was fraught and I had no money and no experience so I worked as a chambermaid for several years, even did evening classes eventually. It was not easy and my own lack of social skills often made it worse for me than it could have been. But I survived and learnt a lot.

though I did always have to share a bathroom - I never even knew a private bathroom was a thing apart from in hotels until I was well into my 20s.

I presumed you.musr be a single mum - because that bf would think twice about doing what he's doing with a man his size or bigger in the house - he's taking the absolute piss. Taking advantage of you being a woman.

@MichelleScarn, what you said! sorry crossposted with you being much more succint.

* it’s too far out meaning she’ll be trekking home for half an hour at 1 in the morning,*
How often would this be the case?
I’d offer to pay taxis back. Very short journey of half hour walk

@WhiskeyGalore212

I presumed you.musr be a single mum - because that bf would think twice about doing what he's doing with a man his size or bigger in the house - he's taking the absolute piss. Taking advantage of you being a woman.

I’m a single parent I’m very underweight

Trust me. A man that terrifies my 7 year old would not darken my door. I know my limitations. But my child and my home.

I agree. That's a huge drip feed. I'd say she needs therapy to help her sort her head out, after that trauma.

Your 7 year old has no choice in this

Put him first. Now

Daughter leaves and it's up to her where she lives

Behave like a reasonable human, stay at home. Nasty and abusive, leave now

Not read whole thread but I would be wondering how safe your DD is with the BF. If he's got some control over her, then her behaviour could be defensive because of what he's got her into. Maybe she needs your love and support but doesn't know it and is caught between you. It's an impossible position. I think I would let her know that you love her even if you don't like how she's behaving and that you are there for her 100% but her behaviour has to change and her BF isn't welcome in the house.

@ChunkySloth

Can under 25's get HB? I didn't think they could.

It would be UniversalCredit, ChunkySloth. She can get that.

Op, I do feel for you. I hope the place you are going to see with your daughter is suitable and she can rent it.

OP, you say she hasn't had any traumas in her life but then you day she was bullied so badly she was suicidal? That sounds like a trauma to me. I am sure her attachment to the BF and her behaviour must be linked to the lack of social stability in her life. I feel sorry for both of you. If you have the option of letting her know that you love her but can't accept her behaviour, in a way that you think might hit a small chink in her armour, it might be enough to sow the seed of the thought that she can come back to you because you're her mum and you'll forgive her if she starts being nice. Also, what does her Dad think about it all - you need to get him onside for it to work.