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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So frustrated about DD I could cry

334 replies

conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 02:22

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

OP posts:
Marlouse · 23/07/2021 20:33

I agree with pp, she needs therapy. I also feel you are dripfeeding.
A girl who has been bullied to the point of being suicidal, who does not have any friends at all and has never had them. How can you say she never experienced trauma. It all seems horribly sad.

The boyfriend really cannot be in the house anymore. But don’t kick your daughter out because you cannot take it anymore and completely leave her on her own. She sounds so unstable and desperately unhappy and not coping with life at all.
If she’s out of your house all she will have left is that nasty drugtaking boyfriend.

Can’t she stay with her father for a bit, or with family or friends of yours for a while so you can get a breather for a little while?

CurbsideProphet · 23/07/2021 20:37

@MichelleScarn in the Lake District there are live in jobs at hotels. We went to a pub that belongs to a hotel down the road and one of the waiters told us the staff all live in (the pub is quite remote so we asked how the managed driving in every day / night).

Heronwatcher · 23/07/2021 20:53

I think you’re in a really difficult situation but I would also consider professional help, plus very strong boundary setting for a short time. Make it clear that if you see the boyfriend in the house against your wishes you’ll call the police. Make her be self-sufficient (buy own food, do own cooking etc). Certainly no hand outs. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed. But yes also see if she will get some therapy, maybe as a family- make this a condition of staying. If not, first safe flat share (all female) that comes along she takes it and TBH I would maybe subsidise the first couple of months, then she’s on her own.

Lemonmelonsun · 23/07/2021 21:00

@conecrosoooo

One more thought aside from why isn't her df helping more, do you know what County lines are?

Cuckoo someone's house, threaten the person etc.. If you haven't heard about read up.

Lots of people take drugs and even do mild dealing (not saying its right) but but but, usually a bf will want to impress the family be nice to smaller siblings and this guy sounds cold and ruthless..

Lemonmelonsun · 23/07/2021 21:06

And...if things did escalate and he threatened any one who went to the police I'd say you need to say you already have

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 23/07/2021 21:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

choli · 23/07/2021 21:44

I would give her a deadline to leave, a month perhaps, and change the locks on that day while she is at work if she's not moved out. Your priority is protecting your 7 year old.

MydogWillow · 23/07/2021 21:50

@MichelleScarn

A live in job sounds like a perfect solution. Gives OP and DD some space to breathe and work on their relationship. Different social circle, independence and no transport issues.

OP do you think DD would consider that? Or would BF be in her ear?

Marmitemarinaded · 23/07/2021 21:51

What live in job are you all thinking about for an 18 year old?!

HelloDulling · 23/07/2021 21:58

Would she like to travel? Instead of sinking money into a flat, can you buy her a flight and give her some spending money? If she’s got hospitality experience, she could get a bar/hotel job in a resort and it would get her away from the boyfriend. Lots of hotel jobs come with accommodation.

HelloDulling · 23/07/2021 21:58

@Marmitemarinaded

What live in job are you all thinking about for an 18 year old?!
Lots of hospitality jobs come with accommodation
choli · 23/07/2021 21:59

@Marmitemarinaded

What live in job are you all thinking about for an 18 year old?!
Chamber maid, bartender, waitress, nanny, housekeeper, caregiver.
Maggiesfarm · 23/07/2021 22:18

A live in job usually just means a bedroom, not a home.

The girl has jobs! What she needs is a place to live and hopefully she and her mother will find one next week.

Original poster
conecrosoooo · 23/07/2021 22:25

With trauma I meant the typical things that people think of when it comes to trauma. Certain kinds of abuse usually the family. I agree what my DD went through is trauma. When we tried to get support for it though CAHMS told her to basically get over it and that other people have it far worse Sad

I was told it enough times as well.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 23/07/2021 22:31

@Maggiesfarm

A live in job usually just means a bedroom, not a home.

The girl has jobs! What she needs is a place to live and hopefully she and her mother will find one next week.

But what the dd and op are seeking is unlikely to be easy to find. She earns £900 a month and I can't see how that will cover rent, council tax, bills, food and travel to and from work.
choli · 23/07/2021 22:35

@Maggiesfarm

A live in job usually just means a bedroom, not a home.

The girl has jobs! What she needs is a place to live and hopefully she and her mother will find one next week.

A room is all she needs and all she can afford. You cut your coat to suit the cloth. She's been indulged in her entitlement long enough.
RevolvingPivot · 23/07/2021 23:10

I don't think now is the time to kick her out. She needs you and she will spiral downwards if she's on her own.

Does her bf work? Can he not move in with her and split the bills / rent?

Can her dad have her live there?

Does the 7 year olds father not live with you?

IceLace100 · 23/07/2021 23:10

Could you encourage her to develop a career/ get qualified, meaning she would have a bit more money?

Hankunamatata · 23/07/2021 23:19

I'd be tempted to change the locks and give her hostel list

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/emergency_options_for_homeless_16_to_25_year_olds

Hankunamatata · 23/07/2021 23:22

OP if she's working in hospitality - would it be worth looking for live in jobs?

Lemonmelonsun · 23/07/2021 23:25

Where is dad in all this, and have you ruled out county lines or similar.

Hankunamatata · 23/07/2021 23:31

Google jobs with accommodation provided. Friend had great job for summer in lake district but there may be something nearer

LoislovesStewie · 24/07/2021 05:35

The bottom line here is this; you have a terrified 7-year-old who is likely to grow up traumatized by the bullying he is now having to endure. If you can get to talk to your daughter sensibly, then you need to tell her firmly that she is responsible for that. Or at least; along with the bf. So, she either behaves well or she goes. Your son's happiness matters more now than her wants to have a flat that she can't afford and all the other material things she wants. I'm sorry that your daughter was bullied, but she has become a bully, hasn't she?

Tunnocksmallow · 24/07/2021 05:55

I would put money on the bf being in some way abusive to your DD. She’s a vulnerable girl, who has had a relatively traumatic past to the point of being suicidal, and he has latched on to that.
You can almost here him dripping the poison into her ears now, “that he’s the only one who loves her, nobody else cares. It’s them 2 forever. You’re only gonna split them up. She’s all alone, without him, she’s got nobody because if her own mum wants to kick her out, who else wants her?”
You know how I can hear it, cos I was your daughter. My mum knew what he was like, we had horrific arguments. My poor dad stuck in the middle.
She kicked me out when I was 17(my dad tried to stop it). We have a relationship now (I’m 41), but it’s never recovered properly.
I ended up with that boyfriend for 5 years in an awful relationship that revolved around drugs, dealing, alcohol abuse and his abuse of me. And it affects me still now.
I stayed longer than I should’ve because of the words he spoke, and because I believed I wasn’t worth it.
It’s bloody hard, but I don’t think you can kick her out to be at his mercy. She is vulnerable, she has no friends, works 2 jobs. She will likely cut herself off from you, not permanently, but long enough for him to cause more damage.

Being a mum is bloody hard, and all the books in the world can never prepare you for situations like
This. I hear what you’re saying about protecting your 7 year old, and yes do that. When the bf comes round, call the police. Your child deserves a safe home, and so do you and DD. but just because your daughter is 18 and acting like this, doesn’t stop you being her mum. This is probably when she needs you most, and she doesn’t even realise it.

She needs therapy, her life has been flipped in the past 18 months and that’s not even scratching the surface of the extreme bullying, no social circle and resulting MH issues.
You need therapy.
You both need some form of counselling together, to talk properly rather than screaming.
And you both need her father to step up. You cannot do this on your own. If you really cannot still have her living at home, then at least have her with her father or, if possible another family member, so you know she is safe.

Oh and for gods sake do not go guarantor on any properties if she does move out, not only with it cost you but you will end up supporting his drug dealing premises.
Good luck OP

Marmitemarinaded · 24/07/2021 06:37

The live in jobs you all list

Challenge: post ONE advert that you find on any job Board for a live in position other than a nanny position.

Rare pre covid. All but non existent now.
I work in recruitment.