So frustrated about DD I could cry

[conecrosoooo]

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

Imo you need some support, be it from a crisis team or whatever.

This.

And you know, support from a parent isn't just "being there" or doing whatever she wants materially.

There should have been other strategies - I was bullied horrendously at school from the age of 7 to about the age of 12 or 14. My parents facilitated me developing friendship groups away from school - through extra-curricular clubs and activities - just stuff like Girl Guides and youth drama and dancing. So I did have friends, and I had other activities to revive me on the weekends and make me forget that I was afraid to go to school on Monday, in case I was hit & kicked. I got self-worth with my peers away from school.

It's also about modelling resilience and principles. You seem just to give in to her. That doesn't model a positive response to hardship and challenge.

Instead of medicating yourself, what about family counselling?

Is this bringing up stuff for you? It sounds as though you really can't cope with what is, after all, not a particularly outrageous situation. Teenager with no real purpose in life at the moment & terrible boyfriend - that's more 'normal' than anything (describes one of my sisters at 17).

I don't think you've really got to the bottom of what is causing such volcanic behaviour from her, or your inability to cope rationally.

@conecrosoooo

The BF isn’t physical at all but his presence is intimidating.

He will sit on my sofa talking loudly to his mates on the phone about weed, drug deals etc. Swears like a trooper. So DS tends to go straight up to his bedroom when he gets home. He’ll order food to my house etc. Leave his rubbish for me to sort.

I am trying to get rid of him and protect my son’s right to feel comfortable in his own home. Hence why I’m getting DD to move out. I’m getting rid of him by having DD leave. To me it seemed preferable to the option of having to demand he leave all the time and risk him and DD mouthing off for hours.

You don’t need to make your dd move out to rid your house of the boyfriend. It’s your house and you don’t want him there so he isn’t allowed in. Give him fair warning then if you catch him on your house, call the police. Every time.

Your dd is taking the piss, but you are allowing this by not enforcing your own rules.

Imo you need some support, be it from a crisis team or whatever.

This 1000%.

I think the horrendous bullying is more significant than you give it credit. While I wasn't anything like your DD at 17 (I was pretty boring ) I can really relate to the not having a solid group of peers and also the not wanting to houseshare in the area where I attended school.

It sounds like this boyfriend is her be all and end all because she hasn't got much else right now. I get that covid has fucked things up for young people opportunity wise but is there anything she wants to do like travel? I think if her horizons expanded then this relationship could get smaller and less central to her.

Honestly op. Find a all women house share. Pay the first months or two rent. Kick her out giving her the key/address to the new place and let her deal with it. If she hates it she will have to earn more and find somewhere else or she may come to her senses.

@MydogWillow

Imo you need some support, be it from a crisis team or whatever.

This 1000%.

Sorry scrolled back to see the context of need for the crisis team? Which service? MH crisis teams are on their knees at present, I understand there's on going difficulties but not sure if any of it meets criteria for crisis intervention?

I didn’t want to live in a flat with five strangers from 18-24 but I’ve done that four times. You rent what you can afford. Stop spoiling her when she’s already lacking gratitude.

Tbh even looking now there’s barely any shared accommodation places available. The ones available aren’t much less per month than the flat. We really are limited to a tiny area until she learns to drive.

She’s really anxious at the thought of having to get another job to go to a cheaper area as it took months and months to get the ones she does have and it made her really depressed and I can’t handle her in the meantime.

Sorry, but she needs to realise an all girl or mixed house share ( my pref was mixed as all girl was too bitchy) is a norm for her age & income. Her champagne taste, crisp packet wage attitude isnt something you are duty bound to subsidise .

And some are students only

@Horst

Honestly op. Find a all women house share. Pay the first months or two rent. Kick her out giving her the key/address to the new place and let her deal with it. If she hates it she will have to earn more and find somewhere else or she may come to her senses.

This.

Even if she does come round to shared accommodation we seem really limited there.

There’s something genuinely wrong with all of them. If it’s not students only, it’s too far out meaning she’ll be trekking home for half an hour at 1 in the morning, if it’s not that then the description says “Ideal for a single male”, or “professionals only”, or “must leave on weekends”. That kind of thing.

It’s all well and good saying she needs to get a better job but it was so difficult last time. She was tearing her hair out. There seems to be bugger all to rent and bugger all jobs.

Have found out she is limited to the shared accommodation rate as well. I must have missed something off the calculator the first time I did it as it said she’d get a lot more.

I don’t know what to do. It’s making me feel sick tbh.

Getting her driving really would help a lot but she’s months off and the thought of her being here and bullying me for that long makes me want to cry.

I’m not sure what you’re looking for here.

It seems as if you want to give her all the luxuries of living at home, affordable living, lifts, close to where she works without the responsibility of having to follow your rules and behave respectfully.

What do you hope for her to achieve if you continue to make her life your responsibility to sort out and pay for?

She cannot afford to live in your area so she will have to live further out.
She cannot drive so she needs to get public transport sorted.
She cannot afford to have her own flat so she will need to flat-share.
She can now apply for full time work as she has experience and references. This is her responsibility to worry about and sort.

She needs to grow up and learn that she can’t treat people like absolute dirt and continue to get treated like a princess.

@MichelleScarn

I don't know anything about crisis intervention but was 1000% agreeing with support of some kind.

The OP is at the end of her tether and I believe she needs some kind of assistance with communicating effectively with her DD and then work backwards to find out how they arrived at their current situation.

OP, is there someone you can turn to in the immediate term to give you some support? It sounds like you're trying to deal with this all by yourself?

the thought of her being here and bullying me for that long makes me want to cry.

Who's the adult here?

What patterns from her childhood & early teens are coming into fruit now? Has the dynamic between always been this dysfunctional?

Have you contacted the council? Wouldn’t help distance wise but likely to stick her in a homeless hostel… honestly though you seem to now be making excuses for her.

Either you want her gone and standing on her own feet and your child safe or your going to please the little princess and keep the child scared.

Pull up your big girl pants you know you can’t solve issues without her trying and she’s not trying.

Just ban him outright from coming in, he isnt welcome, you pay the bills not your snotty abusive daughter, she doesnt like it, cya..

Dont let this little tickturd make a mug out of you.

Your daughter needs some manners, if thats learnt the hard way then she will have a steep learning curve.

Respect your moms, thats it, no wiggle room, they raised you, you respect em..

Can she stay with her Dad ?

I lived in a houseshare at 18.I was working at a hotel.At some point you're DD needs to be responsible for herself.She's done with college and has a job.She's an adult and has to live with the choices she makes.At some point we all have to leave home.

She won't be given a hostel by the council, they would advise her to stay at home or stay with friends or get a houseshare.
Op she could get a 'professional' houseshare - they will either be professional ie people in work, or students. It's to do with council tax rules (an all student household is exempt from CT) Monday to Friday lets are cheaper but obvious reasons, they're intended for people who are only there for the working week.
Unfortunately she will be limited in the financial support she gets because she'll be expected to houseshare - thats the norm for single people these days, few people can afford a house or flat on one wage.

Moving her out does seem an extreme way of dealing with things though given that she's not financially stable enough to move out & you're both unprepared for the standard of living she'd have if she moved out on a low income. It sounds like you need to find some emotional support for yourself, and get the police involved if BF comes round and refuses to leave.

Her dad needs to have some thinking input on this situation, even if he is unwilling or unable to help her financially. Can she live with him? It’s a very, very difficult situation. She is with a drug dealer who treats people like shit. She is in a very risky situation and her father needs to step up and help.

Why isn't her dad helping!
Why on the earth can't you move her out to his and let him deal with this?

I lived in a houseshare at 18.I was working at a hotel.At some point you're DD needs to be responsible for herself.She'se with college and has a job.She'sadult and has to live with the choices she makes.At some point we all have to leave home.

I agree.

At 18 I flunked my A Levels in a big way because I basically was too cocky and dossed about too much. My folks gave me a couple of weeks to lick my wounds before they presented me with two options, one, get a full time job and start paying for my keep, or two, enroll on a crammer course and retake my exams for which they would support me. It was kick up the arse because at the time I thought I could just flip flop through the summer while I had a think about life. I opted to retake and I got a part time job as an estate agent. I passed all my exams and reapplied to uni and got an unconditional offer for the following academic year. I worked full time at the estate agents and moved into a flatshare. My new home was a fleapit in a so so bit of town but it was my fleapit! I had to learn very quickly how to budget, cook, get along with others in a shared space and generally grow up. Although I was a grumpy teenage twat when forced to make a decision at first I thank my folks for making me do something and make it very clear that I was not going to be subsidised.

I’ve been exactly where you are now OP. It’s bloody tough 💐

DD thinks she’s all that - after all she is an adult now right? 🤭

Tell her, in no uncertain terms, she is making life very difficult for you and her siblings. She is an adult (right 😉). Let her know her BF is no longer welcome in your home. She is free to move out….and let her. Do not make it easy for her but tell her that she (and only she) is welcome to come home at any time. Let her make her own mistakes. We all need to make mistakes. We all learn from them.

Good luck! 🍷x