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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

356 replies

IrisAnon · 22/07/2021 21:44

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

OP posts:
rishisboater · 22/07/2021 23:25

I'd have definitely replied. They've been very mean spirited.

I've definitely noticed a difference when they go up to secondary school and find it really weird that parents aren't friendly like they are at primary. I really miss it.

DontDoThatGeorge · 22/07/2021 23:26

When mime first went out to town at around the same age I hung out in a coffee shop too, and checked with the other parent that they were OK with the kids going off alone.

But they tended to do it in 2s rather than a group.

I did get added to a Prom Transport parent's WhatsApp group when my youngest was in y11. They wanted £70 for a limo so l left 😆

Flowers500 · 22/07/2021 23:27

I would have freaked out as an 11 year old if a classmate's mother was somewhere in the distance watching us. Why are you planning to go follow them? And why would you tell other people about this?

If you think your child needs you somewhere near, just drop them off and tell them you'll wait for them in Costa until the time when you were meant to collect.

MollyBloomYes · 22/07/2021 23:28

@IrisAnon you seem very concerned about 'the plan' but I'm not sure what more there could be to any plan than 'boys get dropped off in town. Boys bumble about for however long doing 11 year old boy things and probably buying loads of sweets. Boys get picked up according to individual arrangements with their parents'

My mum does this to me and I'm 35. Gets very stressed about needing a Plan and having to sit down and discuss The Plan. It leaves me feeling confused and slightly defensive because to my mind we've already made arrangements and don't really need to organise anything else. I wonder if there's an element of that going on with the other parents? I know if I'd felt all was sorted for this meet up abd then I was added to a group and asked if I was aware of a plan and that someone was going to be tailing my DC I'd feel a bit stressed at that person turning it into a bigger deal than it needed to be. Kind of enforced organisation that I didn't sign up for when I'm happy with arrangements for my child already.

I do understand you're anxious and it comes from best intentions. But hope you can see how it could be perceived differently by people who don't know you

MoiraNotRuby · 22/07/2021 23:28

I would have replied. Because I am polite and think its a good idea to know your kids friends parents. I have two teenagers and am in touch with various parents of their friends. Some are very strict and others are more laid back, its all good. And very helpful as they get older to be able to check if Fred's dad is OK with me letting him drink cider, or if Sophie's mum wants me to give her a lift home seeing as they both happen to be at certain activity. We tell kids about safety and its good to model that.

Especially after a year in and out of lockdown I think its good to have a bit of backup communication as this year's 11 year olds start building independence in preparation for high school.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 22/07/2021 23:29

This is my child's first trip out, so I'm taking that step to give more independence, but there's no way I'm going to drop and run.

But other parents are happy to . Or they know enough not to mention it nor make a fuss.

You're pretty much calling out your child as an oddity . I'd think of that 'boy with the strange overprotective mum' if his name came up as coming over to play and dread that you might turn up at my house too all afternoon!

(I've had a few parents do this over the years!)

I think the reason some of us are Hmm is that there's always that one parent who babies their child. Those children are the most demanding at parties or on sleep overs . It sends avoid! avoid! signals!!!

Leave it be now but I think you could have dealt with this quietly with your DS, which would have been fairer to him.

It'd be very different if it was a trip to London or a big deal but these 11 year olds are just hanging out locally! Mine were meeting up to catch bus together at that age after first year secondary school. They called me if they needed an adult's help. (The time one of the (other) children fell and cut his knee; the time one lost their bus ticket so they all stayed together but had spent their money so no one had enough to cobble together to buy another ticket for her... the time my 18 year old and all his friends had their bikes stolen and couldn't get home...)

TotorosCatBus · 22/07/2021 23:32

It's not the norm at 11 to stay at a distance just in case. At secondary it's also the norm not to know your son's friend's parents so don't make a WhatsApp group next time. You might get to meet them if you give lifts or pick up the kids but teens often like privacy and view it as a sign that you trust them so you'll probably need to work out how to deal with those sort of situations.
When my dd was in y7 there was a mum who'd do stuff like this and I couldn't help but wonder if it was a passive aggressive way of making me feel like a crap parent because my dd was more independent and didn't need me helicoptering because she wasn't a baby any more. I know you said you had your reasons but the average kid has been going to the shops alone for a year or two
I'd be confused by you wanting confirmation about the plans. Don't you trust him or is he prone to misremembering? I'd expect to hear where they are going but there's a fine line between micromanaging and caring.
Personally I'd say hi or reply with a thumbs up but I would struggle to know how to respond to your message really.

TotorosCatBus · 22/07/2021 23:35

In my experience in y7 there's a high correlation between how much a child is babied and how likely it is they do shady things like have secret SM accounts so be careful that he doesn't end up the child who others egg on to do risky things. Thanks

Coronawireless · 22/07/2021 23:35

@MoiraNotRuby

I would have replied. Because I am polite and think its a good idea to know your kids friends parents. I have two teenagers and am in touch with various parents of their friends. Some are very strict and others are more laid back, its all good. And very helpful as they get older to be able to check if Fred's dad is OK with me letting him drink cider, or if Sophie's mum wants me to give her a lift home seeing as they both happen to be at certain activity. We tell kids about safety and its good to model that.

Especially after a year in and out of lockdown I think its good to have a bit of backup communication as this year's 11 year olds start building independence in preparation for high school.

Absolutely. Some weird, weird replies on this thread.
TheCrowening · 22/07/2021 23:35

It’s hardly a trip, he’s just going into town with his mates. I think you’ve made this into a much bigger thing than it needed to be, hence why nobody’s replied. They’re probably a bit confused.

Invisimamma · 22/07/2021 23:35

I'd probably reply out of politeness, I can't leave message unreplied too. But I would also think it's really strange behaviour on your part. 11yr olds can make their own plans and don't need their mums nearby. That would be really embarrassing for my 10yr old son. He knows how to contact me if he needs help or collected but otherwise he can make his own plans independant of me and other parents. I don't want to be involved in the ins and outs of it all with other mums.

SeaShoreGalore · 22/07/2021 23:38

Fine to say you will be in the same town and in a particular coffee shop so he can find you if needs be.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2021 23:41

How does your son feel about this?

Seafog · 22/07/2021 23:45

I think you need to really consider how long you are going to indulge in being, in your own words, over protective?

Flowers500 · 22/07/2021 23:47

@IrisAnon

Ok, points taken. I'm just going to be in the area to ensure that he's ok as hasn't done anything like this before....I don't mean actual stalking. I'd even be happy if someone just replied to say 'jeez, DS will be fine, paranoia much?'. Or.....'hey.....nice to hear from you, shame we haven't had a chance to meet each other yet?'. Perhaps it was the wrong thing to do, but just thought it was a way of saying 'hi' to the other parents. I know I'm over-protective (for a reason) - this is a big step for me.
You need to let your child go alone if you want him to have much chance of maintaining this friendship group. If you actually do your "tailing at a distance" plan then I think his chance of being re-invited is fairly slim. As a kid I wouldn't have had a friend over if I thought his parent was going to creep on us, you're going the right way to make him into a social outcast. Broadcasting this to the parents is also a good way to ensure they feel you would be intensely difficult at any events in the future, so you are likely to not get an invite.

At 11 the plans he has with his friends are something he will tell you about, they are not between you and his friends' parents (unless there is some money to sort, or something really complex/safeguarding)

sarralim · 22/07/2021 23:52

You're not weird in the slightest, OP. But I think you're getting a lot of
weird, very unfriendly replies. (Then again, this forum is known for it's weirdness, don't post if you're not prepared to question your sense of reality afterwards)

People's kids have apparently been out on the town ''for years'' (prev poster) by the time they're 11. My kid is 12 and he's only been down to Coop and school on his own. And that's the norm where we live.

PS. I would definitely have responded to your friendly WA-message.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2021 23:55

The OP has either insulted all the other parents who haven't decided to stalk their kids and instead given them a phone to use if necessary.

Or she's insulted her own kid by making it clear that despite being 11 and being given a phone to use if necessary, he can't be trusted to do that.

Not good either way and the OP hasn't once mentioned how her child feels about this.

Eatenpig · 22/07/2021 23:58

At our school all yr6 have been coming and going as they please for a year. They go to the park, the high street etc. So I'd think it odd but I'd reply to say 'don't worry they'll be fine!'

silkience · 22/07/2021 23:58

I think most people groan inwardly at any type of WhatsApp group. Also, I don’t know what you mean by ‘overprotective (for a reason)’ but I would be entirely uninterested in a total stranger’s reason for being overprotective of their child and I definitely wouldn’t want them projecting that reasoning onto my child. They might well have been welcoming the opportunity for their secondary aged child to develop some independence (not least because it would mean, for example, they could stop being in WhatsApp groups with other parents, which is the type of thing most people find a bit of a chore) and it might well have irritated them that you’ve unilaterally decided to override that

Oh give over @MiddleParking you sound bloody ridiculous! "Unilaterally overridden their joy at welcoming the opportunity for independence yada yada" what a total bloody overreaction to something that will Literally have zero impact on your child, or their independence. Others saying how it will completely freak out their child to have another kids parent having a coffee and keeping an eye out, if that's the case your kids are not ready to be out alone, there are far weirder things they will Encounter in your average town centre

  1. Op they are rude, it's rude to ignore a message sent with clearly good intentions, they should have acknowledged at the very least
  2. I have seen MANY a thread on here where people have been absolutely roasted for leaving a ten year old alone, or for asking if others would, responses like "my 12 year old has just started to go out alone" etc so I think in this case, as is often the case, the early posts have set the tone and people just pile in.
BoredZelda · 23/07/2021 00:01

the rest from Classlist

Schools give out mobile phone numbers of other parents?

Eatenpig · 23/07/2021 00:06

I thought that. Massive no no to give out numbers or even whole class lists. Maybe looked up names on class list then numbers on old party invite?
Defo not something I'd do at Yr7 but OP had good intentions. I'm sure most hadn't replied as it's not usual to worry about Yr7 in this way

Paddling654 · 23/07/2021 00:08

I would have found it odd that you said you'd been tailing them like it was normal. Without knowing you, I wouldn't be delighted to be honest. What if one of them sees you and spends the afternoon feeling scared they're being followed? It's a slight invasion of privacy and slightly strange to announce it. I wouldn't be sure if you were just over anxious or a bit odd.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/07/2021 00:11

Possibly irrelevant to the thread and I do think the OP is a bit OTT…

But I don’t get the idea that adding people to a group WhatsApp is bad etiquette. Seems totally normal to me that you would do that. Anyone getting offended by that I can’t help wondering if you have been living under a rock for about five years…

Dancingonmoonlight · 23/07/2021 00:17

I think you are 'following' them out of concern but its inappropriate.

The purpose of the kids meeting up by themselves is to encourage independence and trust. You have to give him a chance to prove he is capable of behaving and acting responsibly for a few hours on a summer's day. Its the next step from going on a playdate.

If I received your test, I wouldn't have replied. Being honest, I'd probably also be a bit pissed off on behalf of my own child who no longer had the chance to be with their friends without an adult hovering nearby.

Ohiwish00 · 23/07/2021 00:24

My son’s been meeting friends since age 11, he has a mobile and has a sensible head on him. He will be just fine OP and he will enjoy his new found freedom. My son is 15 now and i haven’t a clue who his friends parents are, maybe it was a bit new to them that you created a group and they wasn’t sure how to respond.