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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

356 replies

IrisAnon · 22/07/2021 21:44

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

OP posts:
AddsVsGeorgs · 22/07/2021 22:35

Out of curiosity, How dis you get the other parents numbers and where is your son planning to go?

RandomUsernameHere · 22/07/2021 22:36

I would think that was nice if I was one of the other parents and would definitely have replied.

tallduckandhandsome · 22/07/2021 22:36

@IrisAnon

Also - I wanted to check that there was an actual plan
Who was supposed to be organising this plan?
Tiddleztheelephant · 22/07/2021 22:37

I would have replied though op, I'd have raised an eyebrow and assumed you were a bit anxious, but I'd still have replied politely at the least. So I do think they're a bit off just completely ignoring you!

Beesinthegarden · 22/07/2021 22:38

Not everyone who is on WhatsApp has WhatsApp if that makes sense. I deleted it and people would say “I whatsapped you” but it doesn’t tell them you no longer have it installed. We’re the messages delivered to everyone or did some not see it?

CarnationCat · 22/07/2021 22:40

I think they probably find it strange that you've created a WhatsApp group for a group of kids going to the shops.

The going to have a coffee to keep an eye on them is fine but I think the WhatsApp group is a bit much.

Don't worry about it now. I'm sure you will get chatting with your son's friends' parents in person sometime.

WhiskeyNeverStartsToTasteNice · 22/07/2021 22:40

I would reply briefly for the sake of being polite and friendly, even if I didn't think the group was necessary. I actually have met most of DD's secondary school friends' parents and we do sometimes communicate via WhatsApp re sleepovers/parties etc although am aware we're probably in the minority.

CarnationCat · 22/07/2021 22:41

For the record...I might think it OTT but would have definitely replied.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 22/07/2021 22:41

I would find this really strange and think the parent was one of them typical helicopter parents. They are all good friends, in secondary school so the days of structured supervised play dates are long gone.

I know its rude but I dont think I would reply either, not straight away anyway.

PrettyBlunt · 22/07/2021 22:43

I would reply to you, I think it's a bit rude to ignore. Can you see who has acknowledged it?

At 11 when I went out we didn't really have a plan just went with whatever was going on.

I see that you said you are protective for a reason which is understandable. Just make sure he doesn't see you but knows you're there if you need him.

Monestera · 22/07/2021 22:43

here for the delete message.

Sometimeswinning · 22/07/2021 22:43

My 11 year old has just started going out and making her own plans (Just finished primary school)

I'd have replied and probably asked to join you for that coffee! However, I'd like to know where you got my number from first!!

TrainspottingWelsh · 22/07/2021 22:48

I would have found it weird as fuck, not just the checking up but the plan to follow them. My initial response would have been 'wtf?' so I would have ignored it and planned to respond more diplomatically later, and then no doubt forgot to reply at all. And then discussed with my dc so they could be sympathetic when or if you embarrassed yours.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2021 22:48

Yeah I think I'd be a bit too open mouthed at you following your child and mine, to even know what to say to you.

And if the parents tell their kids about this, or their kids hear them discussing it, I hope it doesn't lead to your child being left out of future plans.

You either trust him to go out with his mates or your don't.

If you don't, then he should really wait until he's older.

Echobelly · 22/07/2021 22:48

We had some degree of contact details shared in Y7, so I imagine that's where OP got numbers. I'd have replied politely while thinking 'Gosh, bit of a helicopter parent, but harmless I suppose' (sorry OP)

We do have a parent whatsapp for DD's form (just finished Y8), but I'd say less than half of class parents are on it and it's discussing school stuff rather than the kids generally.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 22/07/2021 22:50

I didn't think we worried about getting to know the other parents once they left primary. They manage all this stuff themselves don't they? Just ask him where he's going, who with and what time he'll be back - as long as it's local.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2021 22:50

@CarnationCat

For the record...I might think it OTT but would have definitely replied.
See I don't know if I would because if I replied all politely and ignored the massive elephant in the room, I'd feel as though I was kind of encouraging the OP's behavior.

And I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable at that stage, telling her what I really thought.

Grainjar · 22/07/2021 22:51

I'd have replied. Other parents can be weird though. Dd has been kept hostage by other parents not allowing her to walk 5 minutes home in broad daylight. But when they're just starting venturing out on their own I'd think it nice another parent was on hand. A lot depends on where you live though. Some areas are safer than others.

HalzTangz · 22/07/2021 22:52

Not everyone uses WhatsApp, the parents may of had the app but deleted it so wouldn't see messages.
I've been added to group messages from numbers I don't recognise, I don't even open the message, just mute it

Loudestcat14 · 22/07/2021 22:54

Your DS is 11, secondary age, so stalking him from afar is a tad OTT and probably feels that way to the other parents, hence their lack of enthusiasm for you contacting them. Once kids are at secondary the kids usually take care of their own social arrangements.

Unclench!

crimsonlake · 22/07/2021 22:57

Tbh it is not usual to befriend parents once children have lefy primary. Your DS will surely be fine especially since I assume he has a mobile since he began secondary school. I am sure your DS will be mortified if he disovers your plan, however good your intentions.

tiredanddangerous · 22/07/2021 22:57

I'd have thought you were a complete fruit loop to be honest. Stalking an 11 year old is definitely helicopter parenting.

WaltzingToWalsingham · 22/07/2021 23:00

I don't think it's weird for you to keep a discreet eye on your DS. Some children are more naive/impulsive/easily led than others. Naturally you want your DS to have the fun of going out with his friends, and the experience of dealing with minor problems, but this way you can intervene if he seems to be getting out of his depth. If I got your message, I'd feel reassured that the children were safer because you were there too, and I'd definitely reply.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 22/07/2021 23:00

Sorry OP, you've made it weird.

Secondary school parenting aren't like primary school parenting. Children quite often walk to and from school on their own, hang out on their own, are responsible for getting to different classes and homework's. Can go to after school activities, all chosen by the child without parents hovering. The friends have arranged this themselves. Parents will have asked their child if they felt they needed to.

By all means drop children/ child off at shopping centre, sit and have a coffee, casually letting them know you were near if they need you. I think that's what you intended but it is likely to have come across a bit intense. The whole "I'll be tailing them' part would have made me Hmm

So I wouldn't have replied as I'd be bemused you didn't trust your child or I would have said 'cheers. I'm sure they'll be ok. X knows to call me when she needs a lift back home' . Because she doesn't go anywhere I'm not happy for her to. Nor did my older children at that age.

I'm guessing first/ eldest child? Covid lockdown has been an unusual experience, so it'll soon be forgotten if you don't send out 'I'm tailing your children' Confused group WhatsApp's again! 😂😂

Maybe I'd add, 'sorry folks realised I'm being over cautious. I'll be in coffee shop. Let me know on here if you get held up as happy to drop a couple extra children home' (unless they are walking there in which case why are you going?!)

MiddleParking · 22/07/2021 23:01

I think most people groan inwardly at any type of WhatsApp group. Also, I don’t know what you mean by ‘overprotective (for a reason)’ but I would be entirely uninterested in a total stranger’s reason for being overprotective of their child and I definitely wouldn’t want them projecting that reasoning onto my child. They might well have been welcoming the opportunity for their secondary aged child to develop some independence (not least because it would mean, for example, they could stop being in WhatsApp groups with other parents, which is the type of thing most people find a bit of a chore) and it might well have irritated them that you’ve unilaterally decided to override that.